Young Writers Society

One thing I love about prologues is when they are told in narrative, as if someone were telling a bedtime story. One thing that might heighten the energy of the narrative would be to have someone actually telling it. 1, because it would give it more of a believable feel to the audience, and 2, because we as the reader would feel connected to it more. Think about the scenario if Tasi's father were to read her this as a bed time story. What would it do to the story? I'm just spouting my thoughts, which is what happens when I read unpublished works. My degree is in Creative Writing, so my brain goes haywire when I read manuscripts.
Overall, I thought it could have been a bit more mature, but I did like the premise of the story. Is this on a different planet? An alternate world? If so, you're going to want to change the vocab of the people speaking to sound not American. One great example of this is "Mistborn" by Brandon Sanderson. He comes up with totally new phrases that blow my mind.
Well, I hate telling you what to improve, especially because you are my mentor and probably think I don't really know what I'm talking about. I notice that a lot on sites like these; people give critiques, and people take them personally. I don't mean anything here in an insulting way, I'm merely trying to help you improve.
Let me know what you thought. And thanks for all the help so far!

Okay, as I said before, I'm reading from the beginning- and it's so close to perfect that I can't help myself!

- "King Karitas was kind, and showed compassion to the orphan boy; taking him as a foster son, King Karitas gave Makata an education becoming of the future king of Lytias."

This should be "King Karitas was kind, and showed compassion to the orphan boy. He took him as a foster son, giving Makata an education becoming of the future king of Lytias."

- This one's more of a personal opinion, but if I were you, I would cut this out: " Every meal slipped below the standards that Makata now kept. He had forgotten his days of begging for crusts outside the baker’s shop, while standing ankle deep in mud and sewage; now he considered it his right to a square meal, three times per day, and he was deeply offended if he received a sour apple on his plate."

It reduces the dramatic tone you've set. As it's a prologue, there should be little need to go in depth about one character's emotions, except to say, as you do, how the seed of hatred grew (ha, that rhymed).

- "But the woman refused after sensing that Makata's mind was corrupted. However she did as he ordered after he threatened to behead her and her family."

Could be: "Initially the woman refused, after sensing that Mataka's mind was corrupted. But after he threatened to behead her and her family, she did as he ordered/asked".

- "sauntering towards him bewilderedly", and "naive of the danger" don't really make sense in their respective contexts.

Part from that, I loved it

Hi ShadowVyper! You have heard of my prowess? I shall endeavour not to disappoint.

Makata appeared in the court of King Karitas in the year 215 Q.E.; mostly starved and wearing soiled rags, he timidly requested permission to come before the throne. King Karitas was kind, and showed compassion to the orphan boy; taking him as a foster son, King Karitas gave Makata an education becoming of the future king of Lytias.

But a seed of hatred had been planted in Makata long before he arrived in the court; a seed that he kept buried deep within the chambers of his wounded heart.

I wiped my brow roughly and rocked back onto my heels; I glanced around, at the bountiful weeds before me, before sighing deeply.

He seemed to feel guilty about me working so much as it was, and I didn’t need to compound the problem.

“Fakir? What are you? Why are you--"

Que?

He chuckled at my enthusiasm, “Hey Ana.”

So the narrator is a girl? From the clothing and the glib way she tossed it aside, I thought she was a boy.

He gently wiped my forehead off, “How’d you get dirt all over your face?”

You’d only have a comma if this was a tag, but it’s an action and not connected to the dialogue, so it needs to be a full stop. You do this in other places as well.

Eg.
“I told you,” he put the brush down. <—wrong.
“I told you.” He put the brush down. <—right

He put the brush down, “I told you.” <—wrong.
He put the brush down. “I told you.” <—right

“I’m nearly eight, you know,” I replied smugly.

I was very surprised to learn that the narrator was so young. She’s used words like “bountiful” and “compound” which made me think of a mature narrator, a teenager at least.

He seemed amused to watch me snatch my shirt from the fence, and sauntering towards him bewilderedly. I quickly pulled the shirt over my head, as Fakir took a seat on the porch next to Father.

This doesn’t flow very well. The bolded phrase runs awkward, and then you’ve got “sauntering towards him bewilderedly” which is a contradiction in tone and doesn’t fit with the POV of the first part. The bolded phrase is Ana putting herself in the place of her father, but the next bit is right back with her. “Sauntering” implies a casual jaunt, which doesn’t fit with the urgency of “snatch” and confusion of “bewilderedly”.

I would reword to something like, I snatched my shirt from the fence and quickly pulled it over my head. My panic seemed to amuse Father, and he grinned as Fakir took a seat on the porch next to him. You don’t have to use that structure of course, as you know your story best, but this chunk does need smoothing out.

“What, what are? How did you get on the porch?” I asked innocently.

Que? Why doesn’t she know what people are anymore? I’m confoozed. :/

“…They’re far bigger than they were last year. They’re as big as my two fists combined!” I said, as I held my fists up to show him what I meant.

Again, this doesn’t feel like a seven/eight year old speaking.

“You’d better be careful. It won’t be pleasant for you if the soldiers catch you trying to sneak into Barista.”

I only skim-read the other reviews, but I think Dude mentioned that baristas are the people who work in coffee shops.

“Eh, I don’t think that they’ll give me too much trouble. I am only a kid, after all,” he replied with a shrug, pretending as if he weren’t concerned in the least, but I saw the look he exchanged with Father.

“You’re twelve,” I pointed out.

Pffwhahat? Twelve? I pictured him to be in his twenties at least!

The soldier pushed the boy backwards, making him trip over a crate of peaches, and fall flat on his back.

This mention of peaches makes me wonder what kind of setting this world is. You’ve got peaches and peas and tomatoes, a mayor, and a mixture of names that belong to a variety of cultures. “Anastasia” makes me think of Russia, “Fakir” makes me think of fakirs, so Arabia, I think “Myron” is Greek, and the place names seem to be culture-neutral. You can give us a better picture later on, though. ^_^

“We can’t hear you!” A man in the crowd shouted.

If you have a dialogue tag (“he said”, “she said”, etc.) you always end the dialogue with a comma or punctuation mark and begin the tag with a small letter. So this should be “We can’t hear you!” a man in the crowd shouted.

“The only other thing is a little picture of a snake choking a candle.”

“That’s a python coiled around a torch,” the soldier snapped.

“Yes sir. A python coiled around a torch,” I quickly corrected, though I still thought it looked like a snake trying to choke a candle.

LOL. I love this bit! It gives a real sense of Ana’s character—and youth. It’s only when she’s reading the letter that she seems to act her age.

“She didn’t mean anything by it,” Myron defended.

When using tags, there’s nothing wrong with “said”. Simpler is often better, because when you use a verb like this, it can be a bit distracting and doesn’t often sound right. “Defended” sounds more like an actual action, like defending a fort with a bayonet and wall of mealie bags, not a speaking action. Does that make sense? >_<

I coughed and choked on the blood in my mouth; as I struggled to get a breath of air.

Wrong semi-colon. I’m never sure of the actual rules for using a semi-colon, but it’s like using it when a comma isn’t strong enough, so to join two different parts of a sentence together. Two clauses together? You don’t need the semi-colon because you have “as” which joins the clauses just fine.

“I know that she’s obsessed with books and words, and that if she meant anything by that comment, it was only in admiration; of the word, of course, there’s not much to be admired of the speaker.”

This feels a bit unrealistic. I can’t really imagine someone actually saying this.

I took the opportunity to remove the soldier’s foot from my chest, before I crawled behind the crates; I sat there and coughed up several mouthfuls of blood, before my imagination ran off with me as it's captive.

If she’s coughing up blood then there must be something very seriously the matter. I’d do some research into coughing up blood, but it seems like a terribly extreme thing to happen. Like, punctured lungs and everything, which would mean that Ana would be in awful pain and not in any condition to run away or do anything. I don’t know that for sure, but coughing up blood usually means something wrong with the lungs, either punctured by a broken rib or tuberculosis or something.

I crawled under a thicket of brush; ignoring that that the twigs and briars scratched my face and pulled my hair. I crawled until I was in a small clearing on the riverbank, a place Tylia, her brother Haiku, and I had discovered one day when we were playing, and transformed into a make-shift fort.

OK, Review #2 coming at cha'!

I'll be commenting as I go, Like usual.

Paragraph #1 :
All good here. You could easily add some detail about someone (guards/nobles) mocking Makata for even attempting to approach the King. It would help reinforce Makata's initially low-social status, King Caritas' kindness, and flesh out the situation in general.

Also, this is a nitpick, but "Caritas" made me think of "Carnitas" (I was hungry when I wrote this though, O_o haha). Maybe consider spelling "Caritas" with a "K" instead? I always try to avoid unintentional "links" to real life things. Speaking of which, "Barista" is a type of coffehouse worker. I'm thinking you should change that one for sure .

Paragraph #2:
OK, I'm going to sound like a hypocrite here. Sorry. But the first sentence has an unnecessary comma after "Makata" and the "was" should be removed for "had been". I know I mentioned in the last review to be super careful using the word "had", but I think you need it here. "Was" implies the past, but in this sentence your describing "the past of the past" (if that make any sense). So "had been" is a little more descriptive in this case. But please don't start putting "had been" everywhere now (I know you won't).

"...chambers of his wounded heart." = fantastic.

Paragraph #3 ,#4, and #5 :
Excellent description of this now "spoiled" Makata kid. I'm essentially right there with him as he grows.

"...standing waist deep in mud and sewage;" -- I know what you were going for here, but "waist deep" seems over-the-top, unless they have some serious flooding problems there . Try "shin deep" instead, problem solved I think.

"She could see that Makata’s mind wasn’t right, and refused; but he threatened to behead her and her family, so she was swayed."

I'm not sure the semi-colon after "refused" is strong enough to hold both ideas together, but I'm no expert. It just doesn't "feel" right in this case. Try separating the two sentences in a quick re-write:
{But the woman refused after sensing that Makata’s mind was corrupted. However she did as he ordered after he threatened to behead her and her family.}

I probably sound like a hypocrite again after telling you to use "long compound sentences" the last time. I don't know what else to say other than I think it would be better separated.

Last few paragraphs of the prologue:
Very, very good in my opinion. I especially like how the fortune teller sees two possible futures for him (prosperous kingdom vs. failing kingdom). This implies that there is both "fate" and "free will" to some extent, which is something that I happen to agree with Wonderful!


Ch. 1 paragraph 1:
Unnecessary commas after "neck" and "around". The second sentence after "glanced" would be a better place to first mention the weeds. Otherwise "I glanced around" doesn't enhance the scene enough in my opinion.

Paragraph 2:
"attack the weeds" was an interesting choice of words. Maybe "rip the weeds" would be better? Unless Ana is a strong-willed-warrior-to-be type, in which case "attack" would totally be better for characterization. Too early to tell for me here.

"What-how-hi!" Seems a little too jumpy. You could easily expand it a bit and use comma's and question marks instead of dashes (which I've been told I use too much also) to make it seem more natural.

Try: "Fakir? W-What are you? Why are you--" (and then he interrupts with "Hey Ana.") But I'm not 100% sure about this. Get a second opinion before you change any dialogue. And stay true to how you think the character should sound.

Dialogue section:
Excellent. I'm learning about them and their playful nature through things they would naturally say. Thumbs up.

Paragraph starting with "I whirled" (I lost count haha):
Unnecessary comma after "porch". "and saunter" should be "sauntering". Another unneeded comma after "head".

“What-what are- how did you get on the porch?” I asked innocently." - This is better Not sure about the dashes though. I think a comma after "What" and a "?" after "what are" would *look* better.

"squirmed beneath his question" - bit of a leap here I think. "beneath" doesn't work in context with "question" in my opinion. A simple "at" could be just as effective I think. {...I squirmed at his question}

"...show them what I mean." should be "...show him what I meant."

Venofer, Kelfia, and Kenna. Good names.

I see you took my advice about the border-crossing! Wonderful and well done! You managed to also put emotion and character development in the same scene. Good stuff.

Let me point something out real quick: "...it wouldn’t do to let Father and Fakir know that I had just heard their conversation. I had to pretend to be completely naive of the danger, as I was two minutes ago." --I like the first "had" here because it comments on the time sequence. But I don't like the second "had" because it essentially means "must" or "needed" in this context. In which case I think there is usually a "better" way to say it. Or in this case the "need to act naive" was already stressed in the previous sentence.

I would change the second sentence to something like: "So I pretended to be completely naive..."

So yeah, use "had" to clarify time sequences and time discrepancies. Otherwise use a different word. (You see? There is a method to my madness. Haha.)

"There was a tense silence between us, and then Fakir stood and walked down into the yard."

OK, there is nothing technically wrong with the comma in there. I just think the moment might sink in more (the silence) if something happened during the silence. So {There was a tense silence between us as Fakir stood and slowly walked down into the yard.} might fit better. A minor difference to be sure, but it helps make it more "tense".

Also, you mentioned that Fakir is quite mature for a 12-year-old. So perhaps if
he said "Bye Ana!" but "Goodbye Father!" It could help show that he has made the distinction of speaking to Ana (child) differently than the father (adult). (The subtle difference being that "Bye" is generally considered more causal than "Goodbye"). This could help further emphasize his maturity to the reader in my opinion.

“On your feet peasant,” a gruff voice barked at me." --NOOOO! (I have an idea what's coming next. Poor Ana. )

“I said get up!” he bellowed, as kicked me. -- "as he kicked me."

"Makata’s men" -- Kudos. An important link you just made there

Okay, you have just captured the "evil guard oppressing a helpless citizen" vibe perfectly! I'm taking notes. No joke.

Nice job with the time change. Very distinct (which is important).

"...but when people disappeared within houses and shops when they saw the soldier dragging me through the streets." -- Cut out the first "when" and replace "within" with "into their".

"People usually don’t make it through it twice.” -- Not 100% sure what he is saying here.

"The soldier looked at them swarm of people..." --"them" should be "the".

Tylia and Myron are good names too! (side note: I named an important character in my story "Hyron" )

"his large girth was hidden by a stained butcher’s apron and he held a bloody meat cleaver in his hands. His face was flushed as bright as the blood on his cleaver." -- good detail, but you mentioned his cleaver was "bloody" in back to back sentences. Just replace "he held a bloody" with "a".

“The only other thing is a little picture of a snake suff-suffo- choking a candle.” -- not sure why she is stuttering here since she's looking at a picture and the words "suffocating" and "choking" aren't actually written on the letter.

{“Is that it?” Myron’s wife Yamani asked.} -- since she only has one line, "Myron's wife" would probably suffice. (Then you could save "Yamani" for another character down the line )

"in an attempt to make himself and the Makata look smart" --"the" is a typo.

"Myron never had tolerated anyone speaking to me meanly" -- should be "had never".

"...slowly realizing that I had already lost most of the blood in my body, and couldn’t afford to lose much more." -- WAY too extreme here! If you lose "most of the blood in your body", you're dead. The absolute max you can lose is only about 25-30% before you lose consciousness from lack of oxygen to the brain And losing 40% = pushing daisies I'm afraid.

{“You weren’t scared, you’re a boy,” I sniffled.} -- interesting little comment you've made here on the gender bias Ana has. And since she's only 8, it's pretty safe to assume that this culture is similar to our own in thinking "boys = tougher/stronger." (Even though that is not always the case, for some reason many people want it to be.)

"Haiku found himself talking to me to calm me down, the whole walk home; even though he was the one in danger." -- "the whole walk home" can't stand on it's own the way this is structured right now. But I can't really think of a better suggestion here, sorry.

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OK, so I don't know if you noticed, but longer writing = longer review haha.

This is really, really good Shadow! I'm in the head of your character! It's awesome! Everything that was unclear in the first draft has been improved on significantly. And each character is more fleshed out along with important new characters. Thumbs up.

I only have two edits I think you should make to the overall story though.

#1 . You need to explain how it is that Ana is the only one who can read. The "she loves books" explanation wasn't enough for me. I'm not sure if anyone learns to read on their own without any help from an adult by the age of eight. Someone else needed to have helped her along somehow for it to be believable. Someone either missing or recently deceased should be fine. (The mother perhaps? You could even leave the mother's status a mystery and just put "It was the only day I wished I wasn't the daughter of the only literate woman in town." or something similar)

#2. I touched on this a bit earlier, but the description of the loss of blood/injuries didn't seem feasible for an eight year old. If I understood it correctly, she was only bleeding from her mouth from being kicked in the chest (that part makes sense). But for her to be bleeding enough to make all the water around her turn crimson? That makes me think "Massive internal injuries!" Like a punctured lung or something worse. (In which case she shouldn't be able to talk ) I would tone it down as it really doesn't take much for an eight year old to be incapacitated relative to an adult. I'm not sure how old Ana is as she's telling us this (or if you've thought of that aspect at this stage), but you could go a different route and just describe how devastating she *thinks* her injuries are. And make a sneaky little declaration like "I was dizzy and my body shook. I thought I was going to die, but it really wasn't nearly as bad as it felt at the time." Or something else to clue us in that she was hurt badly, but exaggerating the pain as most eight-year-olds would probably do. Think of how easily children that age cry from any pain or discomfort. Seeing blood coming from her mouth could easily make her hysterical, not to mention as much blood as you described!

OK, so other than that I think your story telling is solid. I'm impressed and looking forward to seeing this one continue if you choose to do so. You should request more reviews for this one in the forum. And I really didn't think it was too long. (5,000 words is close to my own chapter lengths so it seems normal to me )

Until next time,
See ya.

First off, I want to say that this is a good introductory chapter. The use of simple sentences in your first paragraph really helped with the drama and I must say, this encouraged me to read more. A few things that bothered me though were that one, in the beginning i couldn't tell if the main character was boy or girl. You mentioned that all under 13 were taken so I originally assumed that your main character was a boy over 13. Another thing, you said they live in a kingdom and then you refer to the leader as a dictator and say that he calls himself a king. I found this kind of confusing because if he is the head of the kingdom, your a king; that's it. Adding on to that is if this is in an old time setting, she wouldn't call him a dictator. That is a more modern word. Overall, very good introduction and i can't wait to read more.

Okay. So, we got the beginnings of a familiar story. See: Moses. Jesus. Part of aSoIaF. All/some of the boys rounded up, slaughtered.

Archetypal event.

Then again, rounding people up for slaughter is sort of stuck in the current person's mind. Biblical story. Hitler and men like him. Etc.

Okay, so, we don't have to explain so much. People know when a large, specific part of the population is rounded up, nothing good will come from it. It's not like they're getting together to have tea. No one would expect that. If it were that, you'd have a comedy and an interesting twist.

But this is going to be a serious story. Fantasy, I'm assuming, or alternate world. Medieval, anyway. Feudal. Post-apocalyptic? This matters.

Anyway, in the Dark Ages, there was a caste system. Kings weren't an oddity. You submitted to them, or you could be burnt at the stake, put on a stake, or publicly executed. This was old news. Peasants kept apart and they kept their opinions on nobility to themselves. Chivalry? A bunch of rich men pitting peasants against each other and pretending they were noble.

Everyone had a rank--and it was rare to move up. You were more likely to move down.

So a rebellion over a king? Democracy is a new thing. Sure, the Romans did it, but when the Visigoths and such sacked Rome, this was lost. It was sort of lost before that. People of the Dark Ages didn't have much hope of knowing democracy or what a republic acted like. Heck, a large segment of the population were either slaves or serfs.

Basically, rebellion? Not something many peasants would do, normally. At least not because of just a king. Heck, it wasn't until the American Revolution and the French Revolution--and a little while after that--most of the world wasn't littered with monarchies or dictatorships. This basically remains the same.

However, note that revolutions are caused by asking too much. Price of bread worth two months wages? War! Taxes and no representation? War! Rebellion in feudal times was more or less unheard of; skirmishes were what went on, between villages and princedoms and kingdoms and such. That was about it. War bands and knights fought, maybe.

In general? You need to set up why any of this is happening, because while a trope, it isn't very historically accurate--unless you're doing an AU world and, even then, you need more description.

Oh, and the names? Ana. European. All the other names. Not European. Confusing. Please fix. Keep consistent or, again, give more detail.

Basically, you need to work on suspension of disbelief. Your writing is fair. It's not rubbish. But I don't really believe in what's happening. That is needed for any good story.

I like how this is going. I'd just suggest you set up some background on your culture and the current conflict. Make me care about these people.

Last but not least, work on showing and not telling, 'kay?

Keep writing and good luck,
Cas

Hey Shadow, I'm here, so let's dive right in! I'm going to go with overall opinions first and nitpicks last.

First of all, I would try to introduce the main character as soon as possible to be more engaging. Make it more clear that you are writing in first person earlier. And really try to get in the head of your character. As it is now, the main character is simply telling the story, but they don't have much characterization within the explanation. What does she think of the king? Reflect her emotions within the context. (Something like "Because of our fool king my father was forced to send my brother away.") Really explore the mind of your character.

I personally stink at hooking the reader to a story right away (more of a slow builder). Which is why I needed that prologue of mine to engage the reader in my own first chapter. (Story-within a story)

You don't have to do the same thing. In fact it's probably better if you don't. But your intro kind of comes off like a history lesson (I made the same mistake with my original "prologue" remember?). I would try starting the story with the main character speaking to another character (someone younger perhaps?) to get that character "in the know". Although this might not work in first person (I'm not really sure, you should try to get more opinions on how to do a "hook" in first person.) I don't write in first person so I don't really know.

Moving on, I'm not big on the name "Fylfot", but "Fakir" is good And Hiaku is an interesting one (like the type of poem?).

Your dialogue is good and natural, Introducing the main character's name with the father was especially good. (I use this trick to introduce new characters too, It's much better than I'm xxxx or his name was xxxx. Keeps the reader on their toes when important info is in short dialogue excerpts, Good job!)

Nice exciting moment at the end there, although you could probably lengthen it a bit if you wanted to.


*Nitpick-mode engage*

OK, so one thing I've learned from my brief time here at YWS: When using description/exposition in a non-action setting, longer compound sentences are your friend. A reader takes a mental pause with every period. It's a "full-stop" as Twit explained it to me. But a comma or semi-colon (if used correctly) pushes the description on. The result is the reader pauses less and becomes more absorbed in the piece.

A few of the sentences are too short I think ("The boys were taken first." "No explanation was given at first." "None was considered to be needed." That would kill the rebellion before it had begun.", etc.) Try to expand them or combine them with other sentences using a "comma", "like", "as", "and", or a "semi-colon".


First paragraph.
"The boys were taken first." ~ I would personally cut this. The second sentence is a better opener in my opinion. And the word "first" kills the surprise when the soldiers come for Ana at the end. And you can probably combine the last two sentences.

2nd paragraph
The first sentence could use some tweaking. You already used the word "dictator" in the next sentence. So perhaps use "king" in the first sentence. And you could use something like "our so-called king" or "our self proclaimed king" to shed some light on how Ana feels about Fylfot. (His name doesn't sound very dictator-ish though.)

3rd paragraph
All good here for the most part, but you can cut out the part in parentheses if you follow my suggestion above.

4th paragraph
Good here too . Just one thing though. Taking his brother to another kingdom seems too easy. If the king is so evil as to murder his own citizens, then surely he would not just allow them to leave. Briefly mention Fakim and the Aunt having to sneak across the border on a cloudy night or something. Problem solved Oh, also cut the "Now" in the first line since the event actually happened in the past.

OK, moving on... re-word and combine "That would kill the rebellion before it had begun." with the previous sentence.

"more than fifty miles away" is unnecessary. I try to avoid "numbers" in terms of distance and size as a general rule. But that's just me

Also, be careful of overusing the word "had". I read somewhere that it is a "forbidden word" in many cases (meaning readers and editors don't like it very much). Only use it sparingly when you need it to describe a past action or event. So when you say, "But many people in our village had to be afraid," just say "But many people in our village were afraid," or "But many people in our village remained fearful It's more direct and natural sounding.

The comma after "dungeon" is unneeded.

"Eventually, however, our dictator..." is kind of awkward. Just start the sentence with "However," and put "eventually" before "satisfied".

"had gotten" should be changed too, but the problem here is "gotten" not "had". Try "had taken" or "had stolen"

"Father was paralyzed from the waist down, and, now that..." ~ the second comma isn't needed here.

Most of the sentences in the paragraph starting with "I was weary," are very short. Try to expand/reword/combine them. And change the

OK, I just did a brief look back and noticed you used "had gotten" several times. Sorry to be mean, but "gotten" does not sound good to me. I would edit all of them out.

OK the next paragraph, (I lost count lol).
You describe her workload and chores here, which is good. But you alternate between "made" and "mended" too much. Use both of those words, but throw in "forged" or "crafted" or something else to break up the repetition.

"I had just begun to serve my father," ~ Serve him what? A meal I'm guessing, but it isn't clear right now.

{I stood, swallowed hard, and then, with my eyes fixed on the door, said, “…I’ll get it.”} ~This is good description (definitely your strong point I've noticed), but it's worded a little funny. Try something like: I stood with my eyes fixed on the door and swallowed hard. “…I’ll get it.” Flows better while still getting the same point across

Moving on... you put another extra comma after "down in my chair". And after "throat" in the next sentence too. And in the third sentence you can keep the comma, but cut "and were" and add "at us" at the end.

"They were all wearing full-body armor, scowling hatefully at us."

Alright, the only awkward dialogue in this whole piece is the soldier saying "...never mind, there one is! Get her!"

Try this: "His majesty King Fylfot, demands that-- Wait, over there! Take her!"

"Highest officer of the federation" seems contradictory to "king". A King (as I see them) have knights and officers under them, but are considered greater in rank. So even the highest officer would still be under the king in the chain of command. Did that make any sense?

"...something hit me on the back of the head." Could be simply be edited to "...someone struck me from behind."

I like all the rest except the last line.

"The world passed into a dark void." ~ I get that she blacked out, but this is an odd way to say it. Maybe "My world faded to darkness" or something else would be better.


*******
OK, I hope I wasn't too critical for you. I really do like the story and concept you laid out. It's just a little rough around the edges as it is right now.
Everything I said above was to you as a writer, not as a person. Don't take any of it personally.

If it were me, I might be tempted have Ana start the chapter by telling this story to another young girl who was also captured or something, but that is your call.
Also, make sure the Federation/Evil King is not just capturing her to have her executed (like the boys), otherwise the guard she cut at the end would have probably just killed her on the spot. (He was pretty angry after all!)

I like the set-up though. I can only hope that the Federation falls someday because the King was stupid and killed off all his future able-bodied soldiers. Thus they are invaded by a neighboring country (where the Aunt lives perhaps?) and his fear of his own people costs him his crown. Maybe Ana's brother will become a soldier of the other country and rescue her and her father? Oops! I think I may be getting ahead of myself a bit!

I'd be happy to review more for you. Keep on writing and improving! DudeMcguy...out.