Nightfall~Chapter 1: Love Isn't To Be Trusted~~
It was him. His heartbeat was just loud enough for me to hear it. His black hair, swayed perfectly over his forehead and his deep blue eyes stared into me. I couldn’t help but stare. His glow was almost unnatural, he walked as if he was on water and he didn’t need to swim. His jacket was warm, heat radiating off him at all times. But when he let me put it on, my world stopped, and I entered his. Something about him was different. He wasn’t like any other guy on the streets. He was…Amazing.
“What’s your name?” He asked me, his voice was deep and emphasizing.
“Violet,” I reply. He was closer to me now. “What’s yours?” I ask back, wanting to know it so desperately.
“Carson,” He nods, but soon changes his expression. “But please call me Fox.”
I nod, understanding why he would want me to call him that. He was sly and careful; you couldn’t just assume he was like any other boy. He reached for a strand of my hair and pulled it out of my face, his hands were cold, but nothing mattered anymore. I know what I want, and I want it.
The sun was just setting and he didn’t move, sunset covering the lake surrounding us. The kingdom was on the other side of it, though only immortals lived there. I was none of the sort. He reached for my cheek and brushed his thumb against it, then moved it to my jawline and before I knew it, he pulled me towards him. I was just against his chest when he hushed me and tilted my face up to his, locking our lips. He tasted like blood…surprisingly, but I didn’t stop loving it either way. He moved his lips downwards to my neck and kissed it, “I’m sorry,” He whispered. Something cold injected into my neck and I froze my face slowly draining color. I glanced down to find him with fangs; his eyes were red as roses.
A sudden thirst overtook me, something I’ve never felt before. My vision blurred and I dropped to the ground, light burning in my mind. My heartbeat slowly weakened and my skin became cold, feeling as if this was right. Daddy might’ve wanted this. Was he hiding something from me when he had told me to leave? Am I safe now that this could be the end?
Questions beamed at me and I felt being carried around to some place, still breathing in Fox’s amazing scent. I was carried for a while, until the world finally came to life. I opened my eyes and his face was in front of me, tilted slightly.
“Beautiful…” I heard him say. My hearing was somehow better, though I couldn’t pry my eyes from his face. He was still amazing.
I blinked a couple times; not believing this is real and glances around, finding decorative chairs and delicate chandeliers. More thirst took over and I shot up, speeding over to the window to find it was nightfall. “Where am I?” I ask, shaking with hunger.
“The kingdom. I’ve brought you here for a reason and one reason only,” Fox replies just as a girl walks in. Long blonde hair with brown eyes. She was wearing a diamond necklace with boots and a tank top, turning to me.
“Foxy, Is this her?” She asks a smirk on her face. “Is this the mortal you changed? I’m certainly impressed.”
…Foxy? Is that what they call him here?
He nods and turns to her, “Yes. This is Violet,” Fox responds, crossing his arms. She nods and circles me just as my hunger grows stronger. Fox sighs and I tense, looking at him furiously. He changed me…Freaking changed me. The woman nods before stepping to the side to whisper something to Fox. When their done with their tiny conversation I decide to step in and not just be observed.
“Who are you?” I ask the woman.
“Me?” She chuckles and Fox’s mouth increases to a smile. “I am the princess.” She grins.
I’ve heard of her. She has more powers than you could imagine. I could sense her aura. Powerful. Very powerful, indeed.
I took a step back and bow slowly, “Nice to meet you my majesty,” I tell her, nervous.
She shakes her head, “I’m not going to hurt you. I just wanted a decent friend,” She replies.
I nod, “Of course, but I’m actually thirsty.” I nagged.
She nods, “Absolutely. You’re a newborn, you should be thirsty.”
She walks out and I assume to follow her, Fox walking beside me. He throws his jacket back on and tilts down his shades. “I’m going out,” He tells the princess. She nods.
“So be it, go ahead.”
He nods respectfully and then runs off. I really didn’t want any other girl near him. I followed the princess through the castle hallways and looked at all the previous rulers until we got to a hollow dungeon.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey,

Just wanted to say that you have a very interesting plot so far and it would be interesting to see where you take it. Normally I'm not a big fan of vampires (No offence intended) but I thought this was really good.
The only thing I would say, is that you might need to make it a bit longer, that might just be me, but maybe add in a bit more description in the very start. Possibly describe where she came from? and maybe describe some other things in more detail as well. You could also go into a bit more depth on what the girl looks like and so forth. It's just a bit short for a first chapter. But like I said, that's just my opinion.
Other than that I thought it was a really good first chapter and found it really interesting!!
~Beth
Hey Pix, here to review, as promised.
Well, there isn't much to say about this (or rather, I don't find much to say). It's a good start to a story, it promises good things, but I felt it was rather cut short near the end. It's not much of a hooker. Also there's a lack of description of the places, which I guess can be forgiven in a first chapter.
You can tell your character is infatuated with the other vampire - I assume it's one - and you did well in creating that mystery. It's obvious the vampire was using it's attraction... but why was Violet there in the first place? But anyways, that's just a nitpick. Indeed, nitpicks are the only thing I could find that didn't quite fit here.
One tiny thing, the comma before the 'indeed' sort of breaks up the flow in my opinion. But that's not really a problem, and I'm not sure if it's a grammatical imperfection.
Basically, that's it. Hope this helped
~ Ita
Thank you Ita! It did.
I liked this a lot!
VERY well done -- and I don't remember noticing any spelling errors 
“Me?” She chuckles and Fox’s mouth increases to a smile. “I am the princess.” She grins.
I’ve heard of her. She has more powers than you could imagine. I could sense her aura. Powerful. Very powerful, indeed.
Wow, this is a really interesting story. I like your plot and i didn't really expect the guy to change her into a vamp. The princess was a suprise to, I like where this is going and you should definintly continue.
I think your girl character could be more developed, all I'm getting is that her father told her to leave then she met this guy and now she's a vamp. You need to express your characters feelings more, was the guy sad that he had to lore her into his trap. Is she mad or happy or just sad or confused that the princess picked her?
Other than that your story is really good!