I woke up feeling better. I was still sore, but my skin wasn’t burning and my head was clear. And the room was empty and quiet. That was the best part. No wolves, no Victor. His highly individualized bouquet had even diffused somewhat. It wasn’t unpleasant, but I preferred to have my mind completely to myself, thank you very much. I stood gingerly, took a few unsteady steps, then straightened, pleased that my legs could hold my weight. I realized that I was in a different room this time. It was smaller and contained a miscellany of wooden furniture: a small table of polished dark wood, a rough chair which was possibly home-made, a mantelpiece containing small ornaments, a dog basket… which I had been lying in. I picked several long wolf hairs off my shirt. Ughh… Whose was it? Papa Werewolf? Or maybe Fera’s…
“Good morning!” said a bright voice behind me. I jumped, but rallied when I saw who it was.
“Hi, Fera,” I said. “Any chance for some breakfast?”
“Okay,” she smiled. “What do you want – some arm?” Her eyes widened theatrically. “How about a bit of finger?”
“Have you got some fruit? Or vegetables, maybe?” I ignored the jibe and focused on making friends with the youngest member of the household.
“Well… I don’t know… Come through to the kitchen. We’ll see what there is for vegetarians.”
The kitchen was a spacious room with a fireplace in the middle of the floor. Large metal bowls stood on shelves. Oil lamps hung on the walls.
“We usually eat what we can find,” the girl explained, lighting the lamps with a flaming twig. “We run the lamps on animal fat and make clothes with the skins. We melt snow for water and burn practically anything for fuel. When the seasons change, we store water and gather berries and roots to dry for winter – the whole diet thing for werewolves is rather vague. It’s almost spring now, so I don’t know what we have left.” She kicked a large barrel. While she wrestled the lid off, I examined the girl. Fera was small and slim, but made up the missing portion with lots of voluptuous blonde hair. She wore it loose and it cascaded over her face in a thick screen. She was, in effect, the exact opposite of her brother – fair, slight and flighty. The perfect target for an attack on resolve.
“Got it!” she exclaimed, throwing back her hair as the lid clattered to the floor. “There’s even a bit left for you.” She reached down and excavated a large ladle filled with scrunched-up pieces of dried vegetables.
“Grab a bowl, will you,” she said, hoisting the implement with difficulty.
I took one of the metal bowls off the shelves with slight reluctance, noting the small dark specks on the rim.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Fera laughed, seeing my expression. “Mother is big on hygiene. She insists on rinsing all the bowls at least once a week.”
This didn’t help. At all.
“Fera,” I said, as she tipped the dehydrated roots into my bowl, “where is the rest of the family?”
“Out hunting,” she replied, blandly.
This didn’t fit in with my picture of the typical werewolf. “But it’s daylight. Is it even full moon? And why aren’t you in wolf-shape too?”
“What has the moon got to do with it? We change when we want to. I never get to change. I always have to stay home and keep house while they go running. It’s not fair.”
I sensed a psychological lever there, just waiting for me to push down on it.
“That is so wrong,” I stated seriously, fingering a gnarled shape in my bowl. “They shouldn’t be allowed to do that. You have just as much right to go hunting as any of them. Has Victor ever even touched a broom?”
“No,” Fera said tearfully, “he just orders people about. He’s always so nasty with me.”
“I can imagine,” I murmured, nodding. “And now they’ve left you to guard me and keep the decoder.”
“Yes,” she sniveled. “They said that I had to keep it in my hand at all times, but that doesn’t work when you’re trying to open that twisted barrel, so I – ”
“ – put it down on the floor, right next to you,” I said, levelly. The decoder glinted in my hand as I held it up with a silent prayer and felt that glorious lethargy immediately take hold.
“Hey!” said Fera, catching on. “Give it – ”
“State: Alpha
672.5”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Decoder - Chapter 4Points:
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Okay, now I'm just here cuz I'm hooked and really want some unfindeable green-room review quality reviews to take on! So, barefoot, here I go once again on your next chapter
!
Be careful there! Your style is really nice still too (pacing as well).
Okay, so now you're beginning to surpass the plain old 'good' level and enter into the GREAT level. Really though, this was a very impressive chapter. It was short yeah, but the amount of action that it holds more than makes up for it. Readers always love action, and really, it's their favorite part of books . . . but remember, you have to have other aspects as well, not just action
For your problems, this time. Right now I'm feeling really old saying that your grammar isn't very good (is there another word for grammar?). Of course, this is an old piece, but I need to tell you anyway. There are a lot of places were you could have made use of more description (though you really did a quite nice job – in compare with 'before'!). Hearts on the pacing too! I enjoyed it muchly, but a bit more step-by stepping as she goes through the new world would be great!
For your grammar I'm just going to not a couple spots where you really over-used your periods . . . well, only one really. Using short sentences is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but there's a line that you CAN cross and if you do that, then your sentences end up going all jerky. Bumpety bumpety bump! It's annoying!
Okay, that's eight words and you've got . . . what? 8 sentences? . . . That's an awful lot. It'd be an awful lot if you were doing just direct action (though that'd be more appropriate). Another thing you're still doing is your doing these mega-huge paragraphs. You do those and it gets really hard to follow them when reading, plus, they usually tend to draw things out and kill the action – making things boring, of course!
Something else that I notice is that in the first chapter you had to sets of numbers on the Decoder sheet . . . now there's only one. I'm sure you'll explain it later, but you're really holding it out of reach and forcing us to assume too much. Be careful here!
Something else you do here is you start making Esme seem to be a bit of a mean person. Taking advantage of the little girl like this (you really give the impression that this girl, I forget her name) is quite young (12 or 13) . . . which doesn't quite go with the classical hero. I mean, your hero's supposed to be a good person . . . Esme could get the decoder without having to be mean like that. If you must have her be like that then don't say it, just have her be like that!
Finally I see that you've described what the girl (I really need to look up her name) looks like, and given us poor starving readers a little speck of information on what the house is like. But note something, it's good to let your readers hang, but it's NOT good to have them having to guess everything. Just giving us a feeling of what the werewolves are like and then not feeding us the actual information is just mean, and we end up leaving a lot of details out – or worse, getting the details totally wrong!
Be careful in that area! I advise you to toss in bits and pieces of details here and there (be careful though) using your dialogue and random glances . . . you should be able to keep your style and action quite alive if you're careful working that way. Remember to keep your comments on how things and people look small and not too condense (if you condense them you get a mega-mess). Also, this isn't a formal story so be careful not to use big words – they muss up the whole 'feel'!
Anyway! Nice work! I've got to wind things down real quick here – having just passed the 800 words mark, and will be getting back to you in . . . THE NEXT CHAPTER!
~Black~
Hello barefootrunner. Jordin here with a review sorry for this review being so small. (This is for the knights of the green room.) Hope it is of some use to a fellow night of the green room.
Well for some reason this cot my attention, This is very good but I would sound better like so "Is there any chance of us having breakfast?" maybe that would sound better I don't know.First off you have a few to many "and's" in the beginning of your first paragraph. (I could be wrong.)
Well I really like the way you wrote this you explained it even though it is just this chapter that I randomly picked and is makes perfect sense unlike most story chapters.
Overall this was very well written, Grammar. I am not really a nazi of grammar but this was great. [d]Punctuation.[/b] Was great but may have had a bit to much in my opinion.Spelling.(Although this is my fatal flaw) this is super good and well written.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~