Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » General


Take A Step Back

by Rei


I'm standing on the edge of the sidewalk. I wonder what would happen if I took just a few steps forward into the road. I wouldn't wait for the cars to stop. Nobody would know I meant to do it. I couldn't stand to think of how everyone would look at me if they knew I did it on purpose. What would mom think of me? She doesn't know. She never knew how bad it got at school. I have a presentation today n Drama. A monologue. Have to stand up there all by myself with everyone's eyes on me. Some will laugh. Others won't listen. Everyone will applaud just to be polite. Because they don't want Mr. Miller to be mad at them.

It would be so easy. If I time it just right it will look like an accident. Cars are zooming by. Splashing puddles made early this morning. The rain isn't falling anymore, but the air is chill and damp, and my hair is getting frizzy. If I go just before the bell rings, everyone will think I wasn't paying attention because I was worried about being late.

My shoulder is killing me. I'm certain I've done some pretty serious damage to it, always carrying all my books at the same time. But it has to be done that way. I can't go to my locker. That would mean facing Them, and I can't do that. Can't talk to the other kids. I don't get them, and they don't get me, and I always say the wrong thing. People say to get over your fears you have to face them. Well, I have been facing my fear, for ten damn years! It doesn't stop. It never stops. It only gets worse.

On the other side of the street, the chattering of rowdy teenagers is almost deafening. It worse bumping around in the halls. Someone always steps on my foot between classes. Fear is building in my gut. I think I'm going to be sick if I go to school today.

My foot wavers over the road. It would be so easy, I tell myself. Don't wait for the cars to stop and you won't have to go to school for a week or two. maybe even a few months.

My foot falls onto the road. I hesitate as I am blasts with a gust of cold wind. Go on. Other foot. Go on, go on. Take a few more steps and it'll all be over. Nobody will know you meant to do it.

The cars don't stop. I take a step back and head for the crosswalk.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
3254 Reviews


Points: 342616
Reviews: 3254

Donate
Sat May 28, 2022 8:53 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I'm standing on the edge of the sidewalk. I wonder what would happen if I took just a few steps forward into the road. I wouldn't wait for the cars to stop. Nobody would know I meant to do it. I couldn't stand to think of how everyone would look at me if they knew I did it on purpose. What would mom think of me? She doesn't know. She never knew how bad it got at school. I have a presentation today n Drama. A monologue. Have to stand up there all by myself with everyone's eyes on me. Some will laugh. Others won't listen. Everyone will applaud just to be polite. Because they don't want Mr. Miller to be mad at them.

It would be so easy. If I time it just right it will look like an accident. Cars are zooming by. Splashing puddles made early this morning. The rain isn't falling anymore, but the air is chill and damp, and my hair is getting frizzy. If I go just before the bell rings, everyone will think I wasn't paying attention because I was worried about being late.


OKay well this an interesting little passage to start us off here. Its not the most unique of premises being lined up here but still I think you do a good job of constructing this perspective here and just sort of bringing up what exactly is going on in this person's life and especially how their current state of mind is clearly not the greatest.

My shoulder is killing me. I'm certain I've done some pretty serious damage to it, always carrying all my books at the same time. But it has to be done that way. I can't go to my locker. That would mean facing Them, and I can't do that. Can't talk to the other kids. I don't get them, and they don't get me, and I always say the wrong thing. People say to get over your fears you have to face them. Well, I have been facing my fear, for ten damn years! It doesn't stop. It never stops. It only gets worse.

On the other side of the street, the chattering of rowdy teenagers is almost deafening. It worse bumping around in the halls. Someone always steps on my foot between classes. Fear is building in my gut. I think I'm going to be sick if I go to school today.


Hmm well this is getting steadily worse here for our protagonist and I think you're doing a really neat job of showcasing how that happens and how this thought process really builds on itself and tilts towards that initial though that showcased just how bad things might have been. Well let's see what this ultimately ends up culminating in.

My foot wavers over the road. It would be so easy, I tell myself. Don't wait for the cars to stop and you won't have to go to school for a week or two. maybe even a few months.

My foot falls onto the road. I hesitate as I am blasts with a gust of cold wind. Go on. Other foot. Go on, go on. Take a few more steps and it'll all be over. Nobody will know you meant to do it.

The cars don't stop. I take a step back and head for the crosswalk.


Ooooh that certainly lends itself to a very powerful ending there. The fact that you definitely sort of tease what might happen and leave those options fully open without ever committing a hundred percent to one outcome just has a very powerful effect there as an ending and its a good culmination of everything you were working with earlier.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
685 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Donate
Mon May 16, 2005 1:46 pm
Rei says...



Once again, not a suicide story.




User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 129

Donate
Wed Apr 27, 2005 9:49 pm
Mattie wrote a review...



Hey I really enjoyed reading this because you brought something to the table no one else has, well at least on the board, teen suicide. (or at least I think you have) You have hime thinking of such a way to kill himself that people will think it was an accident although it was so easy for him to commit. I can't wait to read more of what you have and your new ideas! Great job. My favorite part was:

It would be so easy. If I time it just right it will look like an accident. Cars are zooming by. Splashing puddles made early this morning. The rain isn't falling anymore, but the air is chill and damp, and my hair is getting frizzy. If I go just before the bell rings, everyone will think I wasn't paying attention because I was worried about being late.

Good Good GOOD job. Can't wait to read some more!




User avatar
685 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Donate
Wed Apr 27, 2005 4:32 pm
Rei says...



Yes, I have.




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Wed Apr 27, 2005 3:07 pm
Emma says...



Have you ever thought about doing that? Like cross that busy road and just thinking what could happen ifyou walked right onto the road and get hit? o.O.o




User avatar
685 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Donate
Wed Apr 27, 2005 1:20 pm
Rei says...



I find it fascinating how people automatically think that it's death she is considering. The reason this seems like such a unique suicide story is because it's NOT a suicide story. She just wants a way to escape for a little while.




User avatar
683 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 683

Donate
Tue Apr 26, 2005 6:21 am
Emma says...



wow! this is really good, but yeah.. read through your work before publishing it.




User avatar
416 Reviews


Points: 11899
Reviews: 416

Donate
Tue Apr 26, 2005 5:11 am
Nate wrote a review...



Aye, this needs to be proofread. But other than that...

Like Snoink, I appreciated the change in the typical suicidal story; usually it's about some dreary, whiney teenager talking about slitting his wrists or taking too many sleeping pills (not to sound disrespectful, but most suicidal stories are very cliche). This though adds a new twist to it with the passing cars, plus I like how the potential suicide doesn't even really make sense. I mean, there is really no specific reason for the thought of suicide, and it seems like the character is just making up excuses to go through with it. So just like in real life, the suicide comes off sounding irrational.

Fortunately enough, the character does not go through with the suicide and instead chooses the rational path; that is, the crosswalk. Hopefully the character will be just as rational in the future.

Overall, fix the grammar, but otherwise very well done. A very nice quick snapshot of someone's life as they stand on the verge of hell. Plus, I like how you did not end with some cheesy line like "And I felt happy for the first time in a long while." Lines like that just detract from the story.




User avatar
685 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Donate
Sat Apr 16, 2005 3:11 am
Rei says...



Yikes. Thanks for pointing that out. Sometimes when I type really fast I type things that make no sence. By "pubbing" I meant "puddles."




User avatar
3752 Reviews


Points: 1956
Reviews: 3752

Donate
Sat Apr 16, 2005 1:53 am
Snoink wrote a review...



First of all, spell check it. There's lots of random errors. Most of them are readable, but I'm still not sure what "pubbing" means. Either that, or my American mind can't tolerate foreign words, lol.

And I like the story. Yes, it's another suicidal story, but it deals with something different than "slitting wrists" or "jumping off a cliff" or even "shooting self." It has something to do with a problem which is out of control in my area, hit-and-run accidents. As a frequent pedestrian, it scares me when I nearly get mowed down by a police car who has no sirens on or lights flashing or even get honked at just for crossing the street legally with my dog. Both have happened, and it ticks me off.

Anyway, good relevent topic. It's kind of freaky if you think about it. No one in the cars cares...





Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
— steampowered