“Sophia, honey, it’s time to get up for school!”
Little Sophia opened her eyes. She smiled as she realized who was standing over her. “Good morning, Dad!” She exclaimed as she jumped out of bed and hugged one of his legs. It bent and made a crack sound under her weight.
“You ready for your first day of second grade?” He asked. Sophia nodded her head rapidly.
He chuckled. “In that case, you should get ready quickly; don’t want to miss the bus!” His legs made a crack, crack, crack sound as he left the room.
After she got dressed, she went into her big sister Mary’s room. Mary was emerging out of her vanity mirror, rubbing her red eyes and yawning.
Sophia ran up to her and hugged her before she was all the way out of the mirror. “Good morning, Mary!”
“Good morning to you, Sophie,” said Mary, her eyes half open. She rustled Sophia’s hair.
Sophia stepped out into the hallway, suddenly hit by a sweet and familiar scent. She ran down the stairs, knowing what would be waiting for her in the kitchen.
A clown stood over the stove, flipping a pancake. Once he saw Sophie, he didn’t move, but instead extended his neck to greet her with a toothy smile.
Sophia giggled. “Good morning, Papa!”
“Mornin’ sweetheart! I’m making pancakes, your favorite!” Papa’s pancakes were always the best. They were fluffy and warm and were covered in mountains of maple syrup.
Her dads were talking over coffee and tea. Once Mary finally came down, her and Sophia talked too. Mary had black lipstick and eyeliner that looked like bat wings, and Sophia thought she looked very pretty.
After eating and finishing up anything else they had to do, their school bus was waiting on the street corner. Mary held Sophia’s hand, ready to walk out the door with her, when Sophia suddenly broke free.
She ran up to her parents, giving them both the biggest hug she could muster. “Bye Dad! Bye Papa!” They both hugged her back and gave her kisses and wished her a good day at school. Mary joined in on the family hug too.
This tender moment was interrupted when they all realized the bus was still outside, waiting. If they stayed any longer, they would be late! Mary broke free from her fathers’s grasp, bringing Sophia with her. They bolted out the door, waving goodbye over their shoulders.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
When I was writing “Little Sophia,” my initial idea was to have it be a sweet slice-of-life story, but I didn’t like how that was turning out so I cut off most of it.
The story to me felt a little incomplete, and so I’ve decided to try and write a continuation that shows my initial idea!
One more thing: the dads canonically have names! The 4-legged dude is named Boris and the clown dude is named Chester.
—
Howdy hey! Future Gengar here with image IDs!
[Image ID: a digital drawing of Sophia’s family, which was drawn by Sophia in crayon. The art style is child-like. The first person in the drawing is Chester, who is labeled as “Papa.” The second person is Boris, who is labeled as “Dad.” The third is Sophia, who wears a pink dress and is labeled as “Me.” The fourth is Mary, who has a bloody dress and is labeled as “Mary.” In the background, there are other drawings by Sophia; on the left is a drawing of the ocean, and on the right is a drawing of a forest. /End ID]
Heyo! Lim here with a review.
General Comments
This was a cute story. I like the unexpected idea that the otherworldly being is actually one of Sophia’s parents, especially with the build-up from the first part. Her other father being a slightly spooky clown person also just feels *right* in this setting. The descriptions of the more unusual parts of the fathers, like the cracking legs and the extendable neck were quite amusing to read in contrast with the mundane aspect of them cooking pancakes, etc.
Glows – what I liked
I liked your consistency in describing how each character was moving, which helped to flesh out the dialogue and the scene more.
For example, this part lets me picture where the two siblings are in the scene and also makes them feel more vivid as characters, with all the small details like Mary rubbing her eyes to portray the scene of people getting ready in the morning.
I also really like the illustration! Had me grinning looking at it, especially the scribbly drawings of Boris and Chester.
Grows – Ideas to consider
I kind of found myself wishing there was more setting description and worldbuilding. What kind of stairs do they have in the house? Do the stairs have to look different for Boris to get up and down easily? Are their doorways larger than average?
I wasn’t sure what was meant by her emerging out of the mirror, since from what I understand, vanity mirrors aren’t closet-type things. If she is literally *in* the mirror, I kind of want more descriptions of how that works. Is her whole bedroom in there, for instance? Or does she just have the mirror in her regular physical bedroom?
Overall
I think this story works as a nice peek into the lives of a family with some supernatural tendencies. I’m not sure if this is going to be extended into a longer story or if it’s meant to be taken as it is, but I’m assuming the latter is the case. My main suggestion if you’d like to revise this story would be to explore how the world of the story might be different from ours (or the same) based on your premise of having the three family members be supernatural beings. I think that could help make it more immersive and add more flavour to the slice-of-life aspect.
Let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific!
-Lim
Well…that was more wholesome than I expected. Is this from a LIGHTS ARE OFF video or did you make this up? Because I like this sequel and I’d watch the video if there was one. I wonder…is Mary a vampire, a ghost, or THE Bloody Mary? I’m glad that Sophia is happy, healthy, and living her best life.
She’s a lucky girl.
I hope that you have a fantastic day and night.
I%u2019m glad you liked it! This one didn%u2019t take as much inspiration from LIGHTS ARE OFF as the first one did (except for Chester, the clown dad).
Oh okay. Good to know.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was quite a cute scene there. If you look at it with the lens where you expect there to be no hidden horrors, it does come off as something beautiful and sweet.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well given how that last chapter went, this one definitely does feel a lot more calm and generally sweet than the previous one did. I think that painting there at the very end helps too. Its just hard to immediately picture a monster being so sweet as the literal thing.
Well that definitely seems honestly sweeter than most morning probably go in a normal household, and it seems like Little Sophia is in fact the only normal one in the family. For a second I thought Mary was too, but that doesn't quite seem to fit with her sleeping quarters.
Well that was the sweetest hug I've seen in a while on stories on YWS. Normally hugs like that are generally followed with crushing despair or some sort of betrayal but it seems this once we're treated to just a simple innocent moment here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think its a lovely little piece here. Definitely a scene that both manages to be very intriguing in terms of the sheer shock factor of some of this but sweet at the same time.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Thanks for the review! I%u2019ll admit, I usually don%u2019t write happy stories like this