Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Content Warning: Body horror, blood
~~~
Long-dead leaves crunched under her feet as Eleanor strode through the dark forest. Every footstep had the exact same weight and traveled the exact same length every time she stepped.
She wasn't blinking. She hadn't in a while, actually. At this point, her eyes weren't even capable of closing; her eyelids had fused to her face from over a month of not blinking. Her eyes, which were once a beautiful hazel, were now cloudy and colorless. She could see the forest around her, but she had tuned out the world by now. Her face remained still, like a corpse at an open-casket funeral.
Eleanor couldn’t remember when she started walking. She couldn’t remember why she was walking, or where she was trying to go. But from the day she had started her journey, she never stopped. She simply couldn't. Her legs propelled her forward against her will.
She had grown numb to the feeling of her feet on the earth, or the otherwise intolerable pain in her soles. No thoughts had crossed her mind anymore, and any semblance of who she once was had died out.
It was like some unseen force was pulling her forward, luring her to some mysterious goal she couldn't quite comprehend.
Various mosses, fungi, and other unidentifiable creatures had taken residence in her hair. Tiny bugs crawled on her scalp; others were scurrying in her ears; a few more were making webs between her fingers. She paid no mind to them.
A few feet away, a squirrel was dragging its meal into a tree. Eleanor did not turn to look, but judging by the harrowing screams of agony, the prey had just been caught. She had gotten used to the squirrels and their hunts.
Back when she had thoughts, she made up names for the creatures she saw.
A herd of Jackotwines currently scurried through the bushes. Tree nymphs chatted with each other, probably plotting some nefarious prank. The Semalacus screeched, as it always did, swinging its tentacles blindly in search of more sustenance (it was a wonder that Eleanor hadn't been scooped up). The Britling's viney tendrils were rooted into the ground, progressively sucking the life out of the soil.
It was hard to say that any of these creatures were "good" or "bad;" they seemed to exist on a separate plane of morality, operating on laws and morals that were completely foreign to her.
Suddenly, there was a new sound. It was a deep, guttural cry, that made every creature stop in their tracks. They all fled as footsteps made the whole forest shake.
Eleanor didn't stop walking—she couldn’t. She didn't even change direction. Even as the roar got closer—even as her eardrums burst—she persisted.
A colossal beast stumbled out of the trees. The forest shouldn't have been able to hold something of its size, but somehow it did. It was vaguely reminiscent of a deer, only mutated beyond belief. Dozens of intertwining legs thrashed about, mangled and twisted in horrible ways. Its antlers were covered in bloody strips of some other creature's flesh. Its head was positioned at a right angle so that its mouth opened horizontally. Drool and foam dripped from its gaping maw. It had hundreds of bulging and pulsating eyes, and every single one was focused on her.
It charged forward.
Eleanor kept walking.
Its head tilted down; it was going to impale her.
Eleanor kept walking.
She could smell its breath. It was utterly putrid, like rotting meat mixed with toxic waste.
Eleanor kept walking.
The beast was inches away from her. Soon, her organs would adorn its antlers like Christmas lights.
In a split second, it froze. It was suspended in the air, and it was obviously very confused. Then, its neck was snapped sideways, and its corpse was flung away by some unseen force.
Eleanor did not react. She kept on walking.
What had caused the beast to do that? It couldn't have been Eleanor; she was only human (or, the living corpse of one). It must have been the strange, cosmic force that took over her mind in the first place.
This was not the first time this had happened, actually; any creature that had ever tried to approach her was either propelled away, or simply ceased to exist. Whatever was making her walk clearly did not want her to stop for anything.
~~~
Eleanor walked. She continued to do so for a very long time; time no longer existed to her, so the specifics were a mystery.
Everything in this forest looked the same as it always did. But, today something strange happened.
Her eyes moved.
They flicked to the side briefly, but they definitely moved. They hadn’t done that in… forever. As soon as this new ability had arrived, it was taken away.
But she noticed something as her eyes locked back in their regular position: one of the trees was different. It was black and bare, which made it stand out against the normal teal trees.
She continued to walk, but soon more and more black trees appeared. The soil faded to black, and the sky went purple. Meanwhile, her eyes flicked in every direction. She was utterly joyful, although she had forgotten what joy felt like; her eyes were the only sense of control she had.
The path that she had traveled on for her entire journey suddenly stopped. A circle of trees acted as a barrier.
But, of course, that didn’t stop her. In fact, her legs seemed to be going faster. She speed-walked, then jogged, then ran into the middle of the circle.
She stood still now, but her eyes raced about. Oh, what a wonderful feeling it was, to be able to move her eyes again! The trees were carved with eyes, their red sap oozing out like blood.
The ground underneath her feet began to cave. Her eyes darted down, and she saw that it was becoming a swirling pool of black mud.
Her mouth opened.
She did not do this voluntarily, but it was revolutionary nonetheless. At long last, she could taste the air again! This air tasted like must and sweat, but that didn’t matter to her.
Her mouth opened wider. And wider. And wider still. She could feel the bones in her face crack as her jaw opened at an impossible angle. Her eyes began to water. She wanted to scream. When her jaw could not open any farther, her joints began to twist and snap in ways that no human should ever experience.
It was bliss; it was agony; it was an amalgamation of every human emotion occurring simultaneously. It was everything; it was nothing.
She coughed up a thick, black liquid as she sank further and further into the inky pool.
A voice came to her just before her head was submerged. No, it wasn’t just one; it was many, many voices all around her, chanting harmoniously. They echoed in her mind, rattled her ribcage, and struck her soul.
By the power of The Nine Bleak Nights, the prophecy has been fulfilled.
The chant replayed over and over again. As her eyes closed for the first—and last time—in a while, she smiled. She was free.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey, quick note: this was… minimally edited. Sorry for any mistakes!
Oh no, now people are going to purposely look for them—The story is surreal horror, so a lot of things may not make sense. I wasn’t sure if I was going to rate this 16+ or 18+… let me know if you think I should change it or not.
Also, this was inspired by the surreal horror fiction podcast, Hello from the Hallowoods. It’s very good and I recommend it!
THIS WAS SO GOOD! I think 16 is good
wow, this was a really interesting story!! a very unique idea that i haven't seen before. plus, your use of sensory details combined with your vocabulary is great!
i don't have much to critique about this story-- there's nothing glaringly wrong about it. however, i do want to know more about eleanor; who she was before this, what memories she does or doesn't have, why and when she started walking, etc. it felt like i was waiting for some sort of exposition that never came.
"Back when she had thoughts, she made up names for the creatures she saw."
you could definitely rewrite this line to add more backstory. like @IcyFlame said, it doesn't link extremely well with the rest of the story, but you could make it work!
two other small notes: first, the story was somewhat bare in detail. the detail that you did provide was wonderfully written, but forests have SO much to describe! the chirping of birds overhead (and how it might have faded into background noise by now for eleanor), the way the grass crunches under her feet (and how the rhythmic sound of her steps plays like the beat of a drum in her mind, keeping her calm), the uneven slopes and pits in the ground (and how eleanor has grown unfazed by them). lots of opportunity!
second, (and this is just a personal opinion), there wasn't a lot of sentence variety. many of them were simple sentences with one or two clauses, which often makes writing feel a bit clunky. long complex sentences flow like a river, with commas as guiding arrows downstream. of course, i may only be saying this because i am terminally head-over-heels with commas and can't stop accidentally making run-on sentences, but still! sentence variety is key! your brain reads your favorite books like a smooth, comprehensive sheet of words because the author weaves simple and complex sentences together to make it.
overall, this is a really great story!! i would love to read more of your writing, you have captivating ideas! great job!
Hey Gengar! I'm not purposely going to look for mistakes, so I'll just review this piece as a whole instead.
This is a nice intro. It sets the scene and also gives me a good insight into Eleanor's character even before we're properly introduced to her. I like it!
This part didn't link as well to the previous or next paragraphs. Is there an intent behind this line or could it be removed?
How, I wonder, does she know what a squirrel is called but not the other creatures?
There's an interesting narration style here. We as the reader don't really feel any tension in this piece I think for two reasons. One, we're not very connected to Eleanor as a character and two, it never really seems like she's in any danger. Wouldn't the omniscient narrator know this, or is this simply meant to 'play a trick' on the reader and make us believe there might be danger?
The whole tone of this is quite detached and spooky in a way. I don't have a full grasp on what's happened but honestly I think it works in that it's quite vague. It poses lots of questions and doesn't answer most of them, but I think you get away with that in a short story.
Thanks for sharing!
Icy
Salutations, curious mind!
Rinisha here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨
The Good Stuff:
First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!
Whoa!This story was different. It was not just a girl walking into a creepy bush and a boy running to save her. No, on a rope. It was nothing like that. This was a masterpiece of a horror story. I liked it, in a way.
I love how you made this story possible without using a single line of dialogue in the whole story. Cool job on the name too. I would suggest though that if you think about writing this in the first person, it would make it even creepier.
In my opinion, the rating is perfect.
16 plus makes the deal, it is not too bad that it has to be 18 plus.
Areas to Improve:✒️
I would suggest giving an example of the names she made up, but then it might add humour to the story and that was not what we were going for. But still, if you were thinking of Sucker for Blood, the ant, that would be something else.
~~~
This could use some more description. It seems such an abrupt part in the story without its skin. Use vivid descriptions or actions to make it more lively and fit in with the other parts.
Nailed It!💐
Your title just did it for me. It made me very curious, which made me click on it. Good choice! The title also speaks for the story itself, it sums up the whole story in one sentence.
Overall Feelings:
This was a very nice story with some great descriptions and a nice pacing. I love that this is a short story, that way it hits and is done. You could work on making it a bit clearer here and there, but otherwise this was a masterpiece.
Be sure to check out…📔🔖
The Marionette by the snow by @foxfire
Boy did that story give me the creeps. It was so cold and oehhh. You will definitely like this one!
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,
Rinisha – Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉
Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
(GREETING & INTRODUCTION)
Hello friend! Ellie here again! I hop you arent tired of my reviews yet haha XD I haven't read too much horror yet so i thought id check this out. Anyway, let's jump right into reviewing this awesome story!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
(CONTENT - my impressions / interpretation)
This story opens with Eleanor walking through a dark and eerie forest. I loved visualising the crunching of long dead leaves underneath her. it seems as if she is walking for a long time, with no end. her eyes are open, unblinking, and her body seems to be lifeless. she has no memory as to why she started walking or where she is headed. her body becomes a host for various forest creatures, from insects to different beings.
a mutated being approaches eleanor with deadly intent. some forced intervene which prevent the force from hurting her. it seems that this may have happened before. eleanor seems to be protected by some unseen power. throughout her journey, eleanors body undergoes a transition. her eyes and mouth begin to have limited movement which allow her to see and taste surroundings briefly. vlack and bare trees are seen, seeming to indicate a change in her surroundings.
eleanor travels to a circle of trees with red sap oozing out of them. she enters this circle and the ground beneath her turns into a swirling pool of black mud. her mouth widens which causes her what seems to be pain and pleasure, excuciating, at the same time.
in her last moments, eleanor hears a chorus of voices repeating a prophecy involving "the nine black nights". her eyes close. she seems to smile, as if she has finally found freedom.
wow. just wow. that was GOOD. JUST WOW. WHAT EVEN HAPPENED. what an ending!
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
(CONTENT - include specific suggestions)
hmmmmmm... this is so hard because it was so good! you did mention that is was not edited too much so i wont give you any strict critique, because im sure you could easily edit it yourself. 10/10 this was awesome!
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
(CONTENT - include specific praises)
THAT WAS GOOD! Wow, i habemt read horror in a while. That was really amazing. it inspired me to get into horror writing. your piece was incredible because it was so engaging. the story is so eerie and mysterious. i have so many questions. is this part of another story? what is this prophecy of the nine black nights? who are these voices? WHO IS ELEANOR??? youre good, my friend.
My favourite part of the whole piece:
"It was bliss; it was agony; it was an amalgamation of every human emotion occurring simultaneously. It was everything; it was nothing."
wow! what an ending. i love how descriptive you were in this piece. *adds amalgamation to my word list* seriously. im obsessed.
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
(CONTENT & SIGN-OFF)
Thanks for writing this masterpiece! are you writing more?
Sincerely,
-Ellie Mae
Thanks for readong! I kinda forgot to mention, but this isn%u2019t part of a bigger story; this is surreal horror, so I went for a certain nonsensical vibe
thats awesome! i could totally see a creepy prequel based off of this, but like you said, just on its own it is amazing as well!