Young Writers Society

Heya emilyrebecca!

Hope you're having a good day. ^_^ As requested, I'm here to review.

Usually I start off with some specifics and then step back for a bit of an overview. But I do want to start with keeping one thing in mind: making a statement. This is a political poem, and even though you're not necessarily "picking a side," as you said, you are taking a stance! So some of the things I have to comment on are about how that stance comes across in your poem and its strength.

Alrighty! so:

Texas is red, New York is blue.

Zeldin, red,

Hogal, blue.

We are red, we are blue.

But we are also people.

Off to a good start! You have a very clear set-up of opposition here, and it's easy to tell what's going on; we know the country and even the context. Red and blue are good stand-ins for the political parties without being as explicit as using the names.

I'll admit, I had to do a little research on the people you named! I found Zeldin pretty easily, but no Hogal -- my best guess after a little searching is that it was meant to be Hochul? I was wondering if there was any significance in the states and names you chose, other than a demonstration that people can agree with.

I like the inclusion of specific names, but because the rest of your poem focuses on the red/blue conflict more than a specific state/region/politician conflict, these names don't really resonate with other parts of your poem other than setting up the red vs. blue. Does that make sense?

So one interesting thing you could do, if you meant Hochul, could be "Hochul is blue. Zeldin was red. Blue replaced red" Of course, that's not the best phrasing, but it sort of indicates more of a relationship between the two people other than just opposition -- there's something going on.

So here we've got: these states are red/blue, these politicians are red/blue, we are red/blue. Got it. You've set up clear binaries, and then you overturn them with "But we are also people." I like that you flip the tables, and I think this poem asks for that, but I think you could do it in a stronger way! What about red and blue as opposing ideas don't allow room for the idea of a person? Is a person perhaps more fluid than simple red and blue?

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but asking what makes these ideas different can help you make a stronger entrance into the rest of your poem. What is revolutionary about seeing past the red and blue to the people? You don't have to tell readers directly, but make us feel it.

People in a country in debt and despair.

Kids in a country falling to fear.

Children with fire, and so much to burn.

Unguided and unconfided,

So used to the hurt.

Democracy; the rarity.

Flanked by tyranny and theocracy,

in history and now.

Alright, and now we come to the second part of your poem. I like the imagery in this part, and I think it's doing a lot of the heavy-lifting in your poem. This is the part that readers relate to and there's clearly a lot of emotion behind it.

I think that to make this even stronger, you can delve into your images more! What do debt, despair, and fear look like? Sound like? Smell like? It's sort of like "show, don't tell" -- let readers see for themselves and they will understand that you're portraying what it looks like to be "so used to the hurt".

Also, I'm like that you mention democracy as a "rarity," I think that's a helpful line in getting your point across (especially because democracy is both sides!), but I'm not so sure that "tyranny" and "theocracy" do the same thing -- they're just "flanking" democracy. It doesn't give readers as much of a clear picture of what's going on; it feels a little more like those are almost like buzzwords meant to evoke something. It's just not too evident what they're meant to be doing in the context of the poem.

Trying to preserve it like dying embers in a fire,

But Mr.Red and Mr.Blue won’t stop soaking it with their crossfire

And now, for the ending! I'm glad that you bring the red and blue back in at the end, and indicate that they are soaking the fire of the nation. This, I think, is your thesis, your stance: that the red and blue conflict is actually hindering the country. (at least, that's my interpretation of your lines)

However, I think that given your slow lead-in, I think that you could make the ending even more impactful. I can see the link between red and blue, because I see it coming up again here, but it's harder to tell what the connection is to the middle part. Are the red and blue causing what happens in the middle part? Or is the middle part just showing what people in between the conflict of red and blue look like/feel like? I understand that they link together, but I'm not quite sure how.

Also, I think the sense of conflict between red and blue is something that is missing from your first few lines. You set up red and blue, but not necessarily a battle between them, and I think you could do more with the opening that would predict the closing and tie things together really nicely.

One final note is that I'm not sure how the "crossfire" can "soak" the "dying embers" unless it's a water gun fight! XD It seemed a little too humorous for the serious tone you're taking on, so you might want to tweak that image a bit.

Overview

So, as an overall comment: I'm bringing it back to taking a stance! You've got this great thesis in the last two lines, and I think now you just need to make sure the rest of your poem is speaking to that same core idea through your imagery! If you were to pretend this was a persuasive poem, to convince someone that yes, Mr. Red and Mr. Blue fighting isn't helping anyone, how would you show your readers? How would you convince them? I think that thinking about things that way might really bring your whole poem together.

I think you're playing with really good ideas here and I also love the structure of your poem, starting with opposites and moving into more nuanced issues in real-life, and then zooming back out again. You've done a nice job! And I think it's a sentiment that a lot of people might agree with.

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything was unclear! Best of luck with your writing, and have a great day.

-Q