Young Writers Society

I really liked it! I would like some more of a back story on Julia and Maddie. So are her parents dead or does she just live with her grandma and they are still alive? Where do they live? In the woods in a town? I would like more details if you can. Will we meet any other characters? Or is this the full cast. I like the sound of April, maybe she will have a bigger role later? I cant wait to read the other chapters. Why is it called Unlucky 13? Is she 13? How many chapters did you write? Thanks

^-^ Hey!! Writerkitty here with a review for ya!

Initially, I was going to review the Epilogue, but then I thought I should start reading your awesome novel from the very beginning and review it along the way!:D

You have quite a lot of reviews for this chapter already, so I'll try my best not to repeat what the other reviewers have said.

First off, I really liked how you started this....the mysterious phone call had me hooked to the story right away! I was glad to learn that it was about something pleasant though. Julia already seems like such a nice character and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her ;-;

The first half of the story was wonderful...for me personally, because of the way you wrote about Julia and her grandmother's relationship. ^^ The dialogue was really sweet and quite enjoyable to read.
I had a quite similar relationship with my grandmother, and I kinda relived those precious moments I had with my own grandmother when I read your story.

I have no idea where this story is heading yet, but I'm super intrigued to know more about the characters and about what's going to happen next!

^-^ I really love Julia's friends, they seem like nice people to hang out with. And I love their varying personalities as well.
On the other hand, those scary bullies... >.> Hope they get what they deserve.

^^ Welp I'm off to read the next chapter now, to find what's in that envelope! xD

Keep writing!!

I could really feel Julia's excitement in this chapter. It'd be great if she passed the science test. From what I can tell so far, Julia seems to be an academics-over-silly-teen-stuff type of girl, who's smart enough to even have a chance of winning a science championship. Maddie already seems like an unpleasant character, though. I couldn't keep up with all of the new characters introduced in this chapter, but I'm sure I'll remember who they are as I read the next parts.

And I can't wait to find out why this story's title is Unlucky 13^^ It sounds cool!

Hello this was a great story and i loved the story and when Maddie was just mad at her just for seeing her wearing something from sixth grade like move on. Maybe you could've put a little bit more description on her other friends so we know what their like in the first chapter. I also loved at how you went back to her thinking about what was happening earlier that morning thinking on the science national championship to see if she made it to the international science competition. I can't wait to read the rest of your Lucky Thirteen series and i also think that your a really good writer.

This is a really great story! The spelling and grammar was great, and overall, the story had a nice flow. The character feels relatable, and I can't wait to see what happens with her!
There were two minor things that'd I'd like to point out, however.
Firstly, I think it might have been better if there wasn't that moment where Julia thought that Maddie wasn't in her class. It really feels pointless. It might be better if she noticed her then, or just didn't think about her at all until the attendance, as it sounds as if they sat right in front of her. Unless something else is going on.

Also, during the attendance scene, you're introducing a lot of new characters, three things about this, firstly, these characters now will need an active role in the story, otherwise this part is pointless, secondly, even if all of them are important, and all their traits are used, there are much better ways for us to meet these characters, and for it to flow better. And thirdly, this is mostly my opinion, but if that is the way your going with this, then that's a lot of characters. I counted up the character mentioned by name in this one chapter, and it came up to around seventeen. I have a feeling you probably won't give all these characters super important roles, but if that's true, it renders that whole part pretty unimportant.
One thing I do like about the scene though, is that it seems like you're setting up a very relatable character ark for Julia. "Me. Plain old me with raven black hair and green eyes." This really sets up her fears, and insecurities, which is great! (You also gave us a description there, which is nice!)

Sorry, I kinda nitpicked that scene to the core! I really did love this though. I connect to Julia, and I truly love how Ella started singing "I'm Sorry" I do that so much, and it was beautiful! XD I'm going to try to catch up to this, as it looks like I've got a lot of reading to do! Keep on writing, and have a great day or night!

Hello my dear friend Liberty, FlamingPhoenix here to give your work a review like you always do for me!

Let's get to it shall we?

Unlucky 13 what an interesting name. It doesn't quite fit the story yet, but I have a feeling it could do with 13 really unlucky people, or the age 13, I don't know yet, I'll just have to keep reading and find out. For all I know I would be wrong with both my guesses.

I really like the way you start out this chapter, so calm and it feels like a normal home, warm and welcoming, just perfect, it gets your reader in the right place, and starts them off slowly, though I will say when Grams was talking on the phone then went to the front door, well that was when I started to peek my interest. And from there i couldn't take my eyes away form the words. Just amazing.

I'm also just loving the description, it's not like you dump it on us all at once, it's in small parts here and there, that just makes the chapter better, it's not good to put description in one place and then forget about it later. But you already know that. XD

I'm also loving the way you are building up the character off all the characters in the book, I can see the reason Julia get's along with some of the people in the school and just stays away form others. Topical school. :/

Anyway I really liked this chapter it was rather interesting. And I enjoyed reading and reviewing with, I think I will be moving onto the next chapter and will be leaving a review. I'm quite hooks I have to admit. Anyway keep writing amazing things, and please tag me next time you post a chapter. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion!!

Hey! Just a quick comment about the Ella section before I head over to chapter 3:

I like how we get a bit more of Ella's personality and background here! I'm not really sure why Ella got so mad all of a sudden (am I missing something?) so that was a little confusing.

“Jules, why did you have to get in her way?” Ella asked. I wasn’t expecting that as a hello.

HEY! I read the section (I have to head to bed here), so I thought I'd mention:

1) "When I realized I was eaves-dropping, I looked away and continued walking towards my closet."

<--She mentioned heading to her closet even though she was already at school. I don't... know if I know of a school with closets. So I'm either ignorant or helpful here.

2) "Seems like someone has gotten less shy"

<-- I like what you're trying to do here, but it sounds forced. Actually, it probably could be okay if Maryam didn't acknowledge it with a "yeah." That kind of character change doesn't just happen over the summer. Maryam isn't going to wake up on August 14th and be like "omg I'm not shy! I can't wait to tell my friends!" Honestly, it's a bit strange to even be addressing Maryam's shyness from the fourth grade if she's no longer shy to begin with. It obviously tampered with my perception of her. I get that it's giving a little narration backstory, but perhaps just putting the acknowledgment of Maryam no longer being shy WITHIN the narration will just help smooth that out.

In seventh grade, she was as shy as a… shy person and talked to no one. She only talked like once a week. She was extremely shy. But lately, she seemed to be opening up a bit. She even pulled a prank on Jon Smith in the cafeteria once by swapping his fork out for a spoon. It was terrible. It was adorable. I was so proud.

THIS IS JUST AN EXAMPLE. And very off-the-cuff. XD But hopefully you get what I mean. Then the dialogue is no longer needed. Just keep it to the narration! First day of eighth grade is no reason to be addressing one's previous shyness!

3) “She’s not my… mom.” I choked out the last word.

<-- This actually might go smoother if there was extra narration before it of Julia laughing it off with what used to be an off-handed comment, and then after the "mom," her face will obviously fall into a state of sorrow. Maybe even a ... after the mom too since I imagine her voice trailing off at the memory. BUT. I have to admit this is a style thing, so consider wisely.

4) “Is it too late to say sorry? Yeah, I know that I let you down. Is it too late to say I'm sorry now?” She sung, then pretended to pout.

<-- So I TOTALLY did sing this as I read it (see, I am totally hip), but it came off as rather obtuse. Julia is obviously choked up over being reminded of her mother, so it feels like Ella is being insensitive. Rather, include some narration or something that leads Ella into realizing Julia needs cheering up by singing a favorite pop song.

5) I like all the other improvements to this segment of meeting the characters. I actually personally have a better understanding of what kind of friends they are. I might have gotten them a little mixed up. Maryam might be the more rambunctious one, but she's still kind of an anomaly. I have a better understanding of Ella. And this is okay, as long as it becomes clearer later.

EDIT: Italics paragraph in the reply because punctuation is DUMB apparently.

"She's not my... mom..." I choked out the last word, an ache in my chest.

Before any memories could corrupt my mood, Ella swooped in, grabbed my hands, and broke into song and dance. "Is it too late to say sorry? Yeah, I know that I let you down. Is it too late to say I'm sorry now?" I couldn't help but smile and join her.

Hey Lib!

I saw this hit the spotlight so I thought I'd give it a look! It's pretty good! I'm just gonna jump right into the review and tell you what I think overall at the end.

'Would I, Julia Portman, a grade eight girl, in the middle of nowhere, be on this paper?'
This feels forced. I don't know how you could get that info in there somewhere but this sentence really threw me off. It was like a baby info dump where the writer just tells you instead of showing you.

'“It can wait.” I looked at my watch, “I’m getting late for the first day of school, anyways.”'
If the results were so important and she’s been waiting for them for so long, she would have totally opened them right then and there. I know I would have!

‘She’s the worst ever person to be friends with.’
This sentence confused me. That chick is a bully so for one, why does she consider her a friend, and two, if this has a meaning ‘ever’ and ‘person’ should be switched. It would flow better that way.

'Rrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiing!'
Maybe just tell us that the bell rang. This was drawn out and sounded more like a play than an actual story.

Also, Ella just kind of appeared. I got her and Maryam mixed up cuz I was like, “Who the heck is Ella?” Maybe just elaborate on her coming into the picture.

'She striked her hand on the table and then winced.'
This is just a small correction. It should be struck instead of 'striked'.

One last thing...SLOW DOWN ON THE EXCLAMATION POINTS! (I'm not yelling btw )
If you have too many, they lose their purpose. They're there to really emphasize that something surprising/crazy/really important is happening. Don't overuse them. I do it all the time to be honest. xJade always has to remind me lol.

Overall, I really enjoyed it! The flow of the book is really nice and doesn't usually get disrupted. I didn't really find any grammatical problems other than the crazy amount of exclamation points, so that's good. I really like the pace. From what I can tell, it isn't so fast that you skip out on the details but not so slow that you yawn. It's good! Especially for the beginning of the book. It's a nice introduction.
I'm looking forward to reading the other chapters you have out. I'm interested to see how you'll make this into a really cool book. I've read some of your work so I know this will turn out to be great!

Happy writing!

Your friend,
Honora

Wesh! It's Jade. When I review, you may call me Professor Jade XD. OK, so my reviewing style is to go through line-by-line and give my thoughts. You do NOT have to take my advice and I promise I'm not trying to co-write this. I may be a bit harsh and blunt, so let me know if you need me to tone it down. OK, without further ado, let's go!

I was sipping my morning tea with Grams when the phone rang. Grams picked it up. “Hello? Yes, this is her grandma... Mhm? Oh really? Yes, I’ll tell her… Thank you, dear!”

I like the start, it's almost like your alerting your reader to GET UP! XD Maybe signal pauses in Grandma's monologue and maybe have her say her name. Like she could say:
"Yes, this is Tracey, Juila's grandmother." Also, maybe go into more depth about her facial expressions, which could also give parts of how she looks away. Maybe make her lines more detailed, to show us her personality. OK, let me know if you want me to elaborate on anything I say. Sometimes I can make no sense.

“What is it?” I asked my grandmother. I studied her. Her pale green eyes were dancing and her gray-colored bun that sat on her head bounced as she sat on our wooden table. “Grams? Tell me!” I said.
OK, like I said above, this does show her looks, but I think putting it into the opening dialogue would be wiser. It's up to you, though!

“Oh. Yes, I almost forgot!” She heaved herself back up and shuffled towards the front door. That’s it. She can’t hide it any longer! I got up and stood in front of the door and stared at her. She chuckled, “Goodness dear, I’ll tell you once I see for myself!” I glared at her and moved out of the way.
I would separate this into two paragraphs to make it more readable and make the flow smoother. For the commentary itself, you say our protagonist glared at her grandma, who was being was it purposely vague. Take this opportunity to expand on their
relationship. Also, congrats on not giving the backstory away so quickly and leaving the reader wondering..

She smiled and opened the door slowly. Opening the mailbox that was attached to the house, she grinned when she saw something. Is it what I think it is? Grams pulled out a shiny royal blue envelope. I gasped. It is!
OK, I'm going to have to point out all the exclamation points. In writing, your words should be enough to convey your character's thoughts. PUNCTUATION SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO SHOW IT. Maybe give her more emotion and thought instead of relying on question marks and exclamations to show it.

“Grams!” I squealed, “It’s the results!”
It's sounds forced. I'm sorry! I know that sounded rude and nitpicky, but maybe she would seem more realistic as a middle-schooler if she said "the results!"
Of course, all these suggestions are from my personal writing style. You do you!

She handed me the envelope and patted me on the head. “Come on in and open it.” She smiled her angelic smile. I skipped in.
Try to make your characters sound different with the way they talk. Juila, being younger, should maybe use more slang. Grams might be fond of cliches XD? Just to give it some subtle depth everyone will notice.

I took a seat on the one end of the table and Grams was on the opposite. It’s the results. Of who can move on to the international championships. I took a deep breath. Would I, Julia Portman, a grade eight girl, in the middle of nowhere, be on this paper? I slowly ripped it open enjoying the sound of the blue paper against my hands. Grams leaned over.

K, so the fact you allowed us, about her grade/age feels forced. maybe have Grams say something like: Juila, you're only in eight grade yet you could have made it to the championships!"
Also, the fact you're holding on to what she's in the championships for (tennis? Writing? Creating amazing reviews like this ?) feels like your milking it a bit. If you gave it up now, a connection would form between the reader and protagonist.

“I don’t want to! Grams, you do it!” I threw it to her.
Again with the exclamations!!!

She sighed, “I guess this’ll just have to wait until after school, huh?” She looked teasingly at me. I shook my head then dove for the precious paper. Then set it back.

Now would be a great time to expand more on their relationship. Glaring? Teasing? I get that's all part of a normal family life, but try to keep Juilia's moods more consistent. Also, have Grams use her name more or have pet names. If that's Gram's thing.
“It can wait.” I looked at my watch, “I’m getting late for the first day of school, anyways.” I kissed Grams goodbye and grabbed my green backpack and headed out the door. I breathed in the fresh Monday air then breathed it out. It felt good. School was only a few blocks away.

As soon as I reached the gates, I frowned. I didn’t want to go. I’ve always hated school. I’ve envied the people who got to be homeschooled and they envied me for going to a public school! Who would want to go to this school?
I'm homeschooled and I love it! The flow feels odd, though. Read this paragraph aloud and see what I mean.

I shook away my thoughts and walked in. Everyone stared and pointed at me, but I was so used to it, that I didn’t even notice! I smiled and waved at them then entered the school doors and continued walking. “Hey Julia! Love your old sweatshirt today!” I rolled my eyes. My sweatshirt was since grade six. Yes, it still fits me. According to Maddie, one should never wear the same clothes after a year. So if you wore one type of sweatshirt, it would be considered a sin if you wore it next year.
Make this two or three to help the flow.

Me and Maddie had some rough times in the past. Her bullying me, threatening me and Grams, almost killing me, toilet papering my house, etc. She’s the Devil in a girls’ costume. She’s the worst ever person to be friends with.
K, so I love how you compare almost killing her to TPing. This girl seems awful, but maybe make a flashback to her saying this instead of telling the reader. SHOW US, DON'T TELL US! (Sorry, I like caps)

The day I started seventh grade, the start of middle school, I was really upset when I found out Maddie was going to the same school as me. In elementary school, she was there too. Who knows what’s going to happen in high school? And what about college!?
OK, so don't ever use two punctuation marks in a row ?! is pretty noob and I don't see published books like this. Also, I'm sorry if that sounded mean.


I wasn’t surprised that the principal hadn’t already kicked her out of the school because of her attire. Everyone loved her; she was like the Queen Bee around here. She was wearing a crop-top that showed her pierced belly-button. And her pants? Don’t even ask.
I can just imagine tight leather pants. Also, stop telling us and start showing us. Have Juilia overhear two girls (who adore her) talking about her outfit. When you tell us, it seems forced and uninteresting. I am not calling your book that, just the way you put that fact!

Her twin brother, Mark, was the total opposite. A very down-to-earth, kind, and responsible person. He looked nothing like her though. It didn’t surprise me. She always came to school with a gallon of makeup.
XD love that.

Rrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiing!
Ok, maybe show the bell is ringing in another light. A drawn out ring doesn't fell like the best way, huh?

The school bell that could make you deaf, especially if you’re a newbie at this school, had rung. “Better not get late for your first day of classes, Maddie!” I shouted back. What? It was the best roast I could think of. Even though it isn’t. She glared at me then sashayed away.
Adding in an eye roll or a snarly comment to Julia would make Maddie seem more dis likeable in the eyes of the reader.


“Julie! It’s so good to see you after so long!” I looked ahead, it was Maryam, a friend of mine since fourth grade. I grinned at her and gave her a hug. In seventh grade, she was as shy as a… very shy person and literally talked to no one. She only talked like once a week. Literally. She was extremely shy.
In your writing, don't say very or literally. It takes the emphasis off the words. We know they are if you said it, don't use unneeded words that can disrupt the flow.

“Jules, why did you have to mess with her again?” Ella asked. I wasn’t expecting that as a greeting.
I wouldn't call that messing. I would say slapping her or screaming insults as messing. Telling her to go to class is a slight comeback.

“What greeting is that?” I asked. Maryam giggled.
You said greeting twice, maybe use a substitute word.


“Julia Harper Portman, I’m –” She said. I interrupted her by putting my hand up.

“This isn’t how I imagined us seeing each other after so long.” I frowned.

“You know she’s always worried about you.” Maryam pointed out, shifting on one foot.

“She’s not my… mom.” I choked out the last word.

“I’m sorry. But why?” She sighed.

I shrugged, “She started the polite conversation first. Not me.” I opened my locker and shoved in my bag. I took out all my books that I would need for the next few classes until lunch. Then, I got an idea. “Do you think it would be good if I keep my books that I need after lunch out of my bag and the ones I need from now until lunch in my bag?” Ella gave me a questioning look. “And I’ll carry the bag around!” She sighed then nodded.
Make their conversation less formal. They are friends, make them have an inside joke or at least understand each other's feeling a bit better.

“I’ll do that too. It’ll make life easier.” Maryam opened her locker, which was right beside mine, and got everything she needed.

Once the three of us were ready, we jogged into our first class together. Homeroom.
Ooh, I like the pace of the plot.

Once we had settled into homeroom, I groaned. We had the new teacher. Ms Livington. I felt bad for her. She’d have to deal with a herd of dumb idiots. She looked young, which made it even worse. Is dumb idiots the best word choice. Maybe idiots, dummards, losers, Maddie-wanna-be's.

The boys started hooting. Mark shot them a look from where he was sitting on his desk by the window. Maddie wasn't in this homeroom, thank goodness. And neither were her little servants. Ella nudged me and pointed to the front of the classroom. I set my gaze on the teacher. She looked as if she were about to burst into tears. I shook my head. It was her fault that she took the job.
Servants? Maybe clique would have made for a nicer word. Also, if she is a trained teacher, why is she almost in tears. I know the kids may be rowdy, but they are kids and she has the power. She is trained and they are not.

"Children, please settle down!" Ms Livington said calmly. I rolled my eyes. I wouldn't have been surprised if she started smacking her head on the wall and continued doing it until she got brainhemorrhage. She striked her hand on the table and then winced. It probably hurt. Suddenly, a girl stood up. It was April.
OK, so this girl seems quite advanced to know what brain hemorrhage is. Also, it's two words, not one long one. And, it's struck, not striked.

“Be quiet everyone!” She boomed out in her loud voice, “The teacher is trying to talk!” She narrowed her eyes at everyone. The teacher looked shocked when everyone shut up.

“Thank you, honey, but you didn’t have to do that.” Ms Livington smiled at her. “I could’ve handled it.”
Could she, though?

“Didn’t look like it.” April mumbled. But the teacher didn’t hear her. She started with attendance.

“Maryam?” The Muslim bookworm. She was also my friend.

“Evan?” The naughty redhead.

“Laura?” The brunette, who always ran for class president.

“Mark?” Maddie’s down-to-earth brother.

“Julia?” Me. Plain old me with raven black hair and green eyes.

“Ella?” My bestie since third grade.

“Miranda?” Everyone made fun of her because she had such a weird name according to Maddie. I think it’s a beautiful name.

“April?” That girl who had one heck of a voice.

“Eric?” The shaggy haired boy who was best friends with Mark.

“Jacob?” Evan’s blond friend.

“Ben?” The bully.

“Duncan?” The paddler who was somehow friends with Ben.

“Dora?” Don’t worry. That’s her nickname. She’s too in love with Dora the Explorer. Her actual name is Cecelia.

“Bailey?” He’s the science nerd.

“Brooklyn?” That’s Ms Livington’s niece. The teacher was delighted to find out that she was here.

And lastly, “Maddie?” What!? I whirled around, looking for the evil young woman. I didn’t see her. I felt someone kick my seat from behind. I sighed, looking behind me, “Hi Maddie.”

So, I like the way you introduce the characters, but maybe make it less staggered than a rolecall. Also, For an eight grader to be in love with Dora seems weird, maybe say she used to be in elementary and the nickname stuck. And, also, if it's a new teacher, why isn't she calling Dora by her real name. Especially for rolecall? And, the way you put it, it was almost an insult for people named Dora. I am going to stop talking about Dora, now.

She sure kept quiet.

Maddie snickered and gave me a slight wave, "Nice to meet you... Julia." She spat out my name like it was rotten pickle. She lifted her feet and set them on the back of my chair. She was lucky she wasn't already sent to the nurse because of a punch in the face. I rolled my eyes at the thought and listened to what the teacher started talking about. "We are going to have an assessment next week for all the subjects," She said in her soft voice. "So, for Math, ELA, Science, Social Studies, Health, History, and Genre Study." She smiled at us. Then continued talking. I zoned her out.
Again, maybe make this two or more paragraphs. Also, rotten pickle made me laugh so hard and I don't knwo why. A perfect mix of wit and truth XD! Love it!

What could be in the envelope? Would I have passed? Would I have passed the national championships for the science test? The biggest science test in the world? Would my name be written by Jane Goodall on that paper? I had studied really hard with Grams. And Grams was really good in Science. The ear-piercing bell rung again. Gathering my pencil case and back-pack, I left for my first class. History. I should get ready to have a nice long sleep.
All these questions, maybe make them side thoughts throughout the story, as in she can't stay focused. But I like how you finally admit she is in the science at the end. Keeps the reader. Especially with the tiny cliffhanger.

These reviews take me honestly about an hour. I overall enjoyed your story but I would say to work on the cliffhanger more to keep the reader in more suspense. I can't wait to read part two and I hope this helped. My hands hurt like crazy. K, so let me know if I was too detailed and if you want me to elaborate on anything. Have an awesome whatever time of day it is where you are!

EDIT: This was long 6245. Not my longest ever XD. I'm going to go get some chocolate, I think I deserve it XD

HIIIII!

I heard you're entering a contest, and you sounded a little overwhelmed, so I thought why not help out with reviewing your project?!

This chapter was such a nice introduction to the MC, a couple (hopefully) key characters, and the idea of a national championships for a science test. In fact, the national championships was handled so freaking well here. It was teased to us with the envelope in the beginning, and then not long after (the end of the chapter), we learn it's for a science test. This was just developed super well, easing the reader's intrigue of the situation.

Ella and Julia seem like they're super good friends. The dialogue between them is just smooth and sharp and fun. And if Maryam is really as shy as the narration suggested, she must be super comfortable with Julia.

“Jules, why did you have to mess with her again?” Ella asked. I wasn’t expecting that as a greeting.
“What greeting is that?” I asked. Maryam giggled.
“Julia Harper Portman, I’m –” She said. I interrupted her by putting my hand up.
“This isn’t how I imagined us seeing each other after so long.” I frowned.

“You know she’s always worried about you.” Maryam pointed out, shifting on one foot.
“She’s not my… mom.” I choked out the last word.
“I’m sorry. But why?” She sighed.

Hey Liberty!

It seems like you're already made changes to the chapters with Eternal's reviews, that's awesome because it reads really well.

The writing flowed very well. Though, there are few things that I'd like to address,

It’s the results. Of who can move on to the international championships

Hi Liberty!

I usually don't do too much nitpicky stuff, but this is for a contest so I want to help you make this as polished as possible! With that, let's start off with some grammar stuff:

Her pale green eyes, my eyes are a photo-copy of hers, were dancing and her gray-colored bun that sat on her head bounced as she sat on our wooden table.

I slowly ripped it open enjoying the sound of the blue paper against my hands.

"Seems like someone has gotten less shy."