“I’m here to make an exchange,” an impatient woman said, tapping her left foot against the floor and yanking her small child with her hand. “This is the place for unwanted children, yes? I’m not in need of this boy. If an exchange is not plausible, then I would like to make a drop-off.”
The dying analogue clock ticked along on the back wall, unknowing of the happenings that laid before it.
Maddock surveyed the scene with horror plain as day painted on his face, before readjusting his circular glasses and staring at the pair again. He clutched his notepad with one arm. ”What happens to be the problem, ma’am?” He wasn’t exactly sure how to proceed, but duty called to him.
The child twisted around on his mother’s ironclad grip, desperately wanting freedom. With his left little chubby hand, he scratched and tore at the purple crocus flowers attached to his face and hair. His light earthy brown skin was punctuated with scab marks and scratches.
The woman pushed the four-year-old child towards the caretaker, afterwards brushing her hands together to remove the dirt. “Do you have any girls?” She asked. “Any girls without flowers?”
Her soured expression turned from hideous to hopeful, her eyebrows raising up. If not for the first three minutes echoing in Maddock’s mind, then he might have pegged her as the kindly sort given the softness of her jaw and her immediate switch to a friendly temperment.
“Ma’am…” Maddock knelt down to get a closer look at the child. “You can’t just trade a child in. That’s not how Willow’s Sanctuary works— that’s not how children work. Kids will glue flowers to their faces and rummage about in the gardens; that’s just growing up…” The speech on his lips died a slow death as he beckoned the child towards him, uncertain of what he was really staring at.
He had suspected that the boy was tugging at glued flowers, but instead of glue, he found semi-runny and coagulated blood. Maddock turned his attention away from the boy’s face, looking down at the child’s legs to discover yellow aconite sprouting from behind the child’s knees. Little buds of flowers threatened to pop out of the skin at any given moment.
Maddock looked up at the woman, resolve settling in his stomach, his confusion erased and given clarity. “You can leave now, ma’am. There are no flowerless girls to send home with you today.”
The woman’s eyebrows furrowed and her pursed her dark red lips. “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
-
Luca curled his nails into his fists, desperately trying to not kick out in pain and discomfort. Roots ran down the insides of his flesh, itching at the notification that some of their flowers had been expertly snipped off with the pair of special scissors. “Do we have to do this?” He whined, throwing his head back and staring at the popcorn ceiling.
Maddock simply sighed, snipping away at the daisies and the petunias which had grown in the middle of the night. His tired fingers, used to the task, seemingly went on autopilot. “People will want to adopt you if you look prim and proper, Luca. Even if you grow primrose flowers, that won’t change the fact that no one wants to adopt you with your outlandish methods of styling yourself.”
Clipping and snipping, the stems and petals fell to the floor for Luca to help sweep up later. His neck itched at the idea of facing his roommates again. Luca winced, managing to chase that feeling away as Maddock persisted with the flower cutting scheme. Even with Luca’s complaints, Maddock was always —without fail— knocking at the dormitory door come governor visits and potential parent visits.
“You talk like a liberryan,” Luca finally decreed as the last daisy had been removed.
Maddock smiled up at him with crooked teeth and a lopsided grin. “Librarian, Luca. Librarian.”
“Doesn’t matter.” Luca stretched his arms back and fell onto the bed, at home with the coarseness of the sheets. “I don’t wanna do this again, Maddock. It hurts and the flowers just grow back like boom! Even if I look, uhhh, ‘prim and proper’, I still look… like a weirdo. I’m not as bad as Melody, but I feel bad for wasting your time.”
His feet kicked at the wireframe structure of the bed.
Maddock stood up with a low groan, sheathing the scissors in his belt and combing his own fingers through his hair. “I know that it hurts, Luca. I know better than anyone else—you should know that. But it’s what has to be done.”
His sympathetic words took on a more strict tone, almost dressed up in a corporate suit that didn’t fit. “Don’t say such harsh things about Melody. Neither of you are ‘weirdos’. You’re both just delightfully unique children who reside within this orphanage. Nothing more.”
The shimmering noon light streamed in through the windows of Luca’s dormitory, signaling that morning recess was over and it was time for chores before the governor’s visit. Branches from the willow tree knocked against the windows too, as if sentient in their calling.
“M’sorry, Maddock.”
“It’s okay, Luca.”
“Dooo I have to go visit the governor? I-I don’t like all of those pictures.”
Maddock turned to walk out of the door, but then looked back at the young child. “I’m afraid so, Luca.”
Luca grit his teeth as bloodroot started to sprout from the base of his neck and his collar, quickly emerging as wild forms yet to be tamed. The pain stung like a honey bee’s, but was more bearable than most other things Luca had been subjected to in his eight years of life.
“Maddock,” he called out. “They’re sprouting again.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, preparing for more pain to come in the form of help. The stale summer air entered his lungs, reminding the poor boy that comfort was never an option.
Maddock’s shoes tapped against the floor in a familiar rhythm, this time coming towards the bed. “It’s okay, Luca. Just be still.”
And while Luca couldn’t see the scissors being pulled out again, his body recoiled at the thought and he curled into himself.
Maddock laughed, albeit softly. “We don’t want to disappoint the governor, do we?”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,838 Reviews
WOW his mom is...not a nice mom.
Although to be fair to her, you don't really expect to have a child who grows flowers through his skin. Like, parenting is already hard and then life throws that curveball at you?
But still.
I assume this is why Maddock is shocked at first when she's speaking to him? It wasn't really clear to me, but that's my best guess. Also, is this not a home for children with, shall we say, strange ailments? Because he 100% seems surprised by what's going on here, but later on they've got Luca and Melody and it's like no big deal. TO BE FAIR I did read part 3 first, so if I'd started off here this probably wouldn't strike me so oddly. But also I don't know anything about any of the other kids (except that Derrick is a jerk), so I don't know if it's just the two of them who have strange things growing out of various body parts or if it's everyone.
Also, I feel like if I hadn't started on chapter 3, where Luca's already older, I'd be confused by the break between the opening scene and the scene four years later. I'm generally against prologues, but given the nature of the first scene and how short it is, I feel like it could work as a prologue. Otherwise, if you used it as either chapter one with a chapter break between that and the next scene, or left it this way, it would be nice to have a "four years later, Luca curled his nails into his fists as blah blah blah," just to clue us in that there's a time skip. As it is right now, it was really awkward - and that's even though I knew what was going on because I'd already read a later chapter.
Just as an example, I like the start of the second chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Chapter one could've been a prologue, but instead it's a first chapter that's tied to the next with a brief explanation of how ten years later, there's no clue that more than one child lives here, but indeed Harry is still around, etc, etc.
(Also I see people talking about how this is a short story but???no???what happens after he leaves???this is a novel right???I'll have more to read?????????)
Hi, love. I haven't reviewed in quite a while, so please excuse my bumbling incoherence and typos.
I always find it difficult to review short stories in fragments, mostly because it is difficult for me to get a feel of the story's gait, and also because I find it easier looking at shorts in wholes, rather than in sections. I think it'll be easy to critique this section in expository terms instead of assessing the major chunks (character development, plot arcs, etc.). So I will spend a significant portion of this review talking about style, description, and worldsetting.
I adore how charming the atmosphere is--it tastes sweet and nostalgic, but also has this distinct weariness to it that a lot of fairy tales have. Your writing flows well and is easy to read, which I think is a major plus because its emotive power is in its simplicity. What does slightly put me off is the suddenness of the time-skip, which would perhaps feel more natural had it occurred in a novel chapter/in the middle of the story rather than so close to the beginning. I haven't had much time to adjust myself to the setting, so the mental displacement from one instance in time [A. Luca and Maddock meet, we are introduced to Luca's being a flower boy] to a second instance [B. Luca and Maddock have obviously grown closer, and Luca seems to have more or less assimilated to his new environment]. Such a jump is quite mentally jarring for me. It would work in a longer piece, perhaps, but not so much in a short story, where you have to be careful with how you transition into those time-skips. It wouldn't be noticeable if the perspective was kept constant, but we also see a change in point-of-view from Maddock to Luca. (I really appreciate how well-written both point-of-views are, though, each with a voice its own.)
Here's my suggestion for dealing with transition: I love how you write action--action is what propels your narrative forward, keeping it brisk + supplying detail that keeps the reader grounded. But there isn't much external narrative that simply tells us things we ought to know--I'd like to assume the piece is written in third-person omniscient, but the way it's broken up suggests a style closer to third-person limited with switching perspectives. I'm curious as to whether the rest of the story will remain consistent with Luca's point-of-view? If so, then it might be interesting to switch the exposition to suit Luca's perspective as well, or perhaps play with a more Omniscient narrative. This might help with the cognitive dissonance. As it is, the reader is always in close-up with the characters, and while this is brilliant in-so-far as exploring the subtleties of action and motion, the bigger picture--the more 'tell'-y aspects are difficult to keep track of.
How much time has passed since Luca came to Willow's Sanctuary? How has Luca changed since then, and how much of his past does he still remain attached to? I'm also curious as to the history of the Sanctuary itself--perhaps it's because this is early on in the piece, but I would love it if you fleshed some of its features out for us, maybe drop a line or two/explore using internal dialogue? The idea itself is absolutely fascinating. The sanctuary also reminds me of Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, and it would be nice if the author illustrated some of the details as to how different it probably/actually is. At this point, I know little about the world itself, and I would like to. (Writing fantasy settings in shorter pieces is always a challenge, so I'm keen to see how you work with this!)
Luca is adorable and I want to squish him, the poor baby. I love Maddock's character, and the dialogue is just natural and lovely. As far as description is concerned, it is concise and delicious, but perhaps integrating it with some internal dialogue would help make the scene more ... solid? Especially because the focus is pretty narrow already--you can take advantage of the limited perspective. How does the environment impact the character? In what ways does it affect their thought process? For example: section two, paragraph 10 ['The shimmering noon light...']. How does Luca feel about the governor's visit? Does the afternoon light make him sleepy, or does it make him feel restless and excited? In what way are the willow branches sentient? It's something I'd like to see the author expand on~
I'll cut the review here, because I don't have very much to offer at this point! I am curious about how the exposition will manifest completely into conflict, and also about the general route the story will take.
I'll try to get to the second part after Suhoor~
'Til then--cheers, and keep it up!<3 Hope this helped!
~Pomp x
Ahah! Initially, I was trying to write in third person omniscient for the first part, but then I ended up switching to Maddock's perspective for ease of writing. The end goal was to always end up in Luca's perspective, but I might try to play around in an omniscient style again for the first part. Or! I'll definitely try to write the scene from Luca's perspective (which, I admit, I avoided because I wasn't sure how to properly portray a 4yo's perspective.
Also, I'll definitely keep the internal dialogue thing in mind.
Thank you so much for the review! It was incredibly helpful!
Okay Okay........
"FLOWER BOY" here is actually literal? Im into grass but grass on flowers? heck yes!
And also if these are kids Im actually kind of scared because I have a soft spot for them
Also it reminds me of the movie "The Odd Life Of Timothy Green" because that dude comes from the garden then boom! has leaves on his feet and the movie was splendid.
plus in my opinion the idea of the story is slightly similar to some movie also that i forgot but just slightly, I have seen way too movies but that doesnt mean this story doesn't have originality because it sure does, and i love these kinds of stories too!
And also popcorn ceiling, first time hearing that i will look it up, and this is just good my imagination is playing with certain colorful babies and wicked elders sooo i hope you will surprise us tho, keep it up!
Oh, whoops! I didn't respond to this review. Yep, Flower Boy is completely literal.
You're the second (or third?) person to compare this to The Odd Life of Timothy Green, so maybe I should check that out at some point.
Thank you so much for the review?
AnimalQueen !
First off, killer story! You have no idea how much I dig stuff like this. I absolutely ADORE the supernatural, magical creatures, and anything even remotely related to those things.
And being a child no one wants makes for a tragic backstory, which is essential. (If you ask me)
One of the only things I found here that bothered me was:
"Dooo I have to visit the govener? I don't like all those pictures."
Why did you use three os?
And I have never heard of a popcorn ceiling.
Other than those two things, the story seems to me to be perfect so far. Keep at it, because I love where this is going!
AnimalQueen out!
Oh! Luca was dragging out his words, thus the three o's!
And a popcorn ceiling looks like this!
Heya, Adri!
I've been pumped for this to come out since you mentioned the idea to me, and here it is! I know you said it was really rough, though, so I'll keep an eye out for any typos and whatnot. Expect the usual, as well, though!
Let's get into things--
What about her right food?
Typo aside, there's a lot of “her this, her that” going on here, and it's particularly noticeable with this being the first sentence. If you can find a way to work this out where you don't use her possessiveness so much, that could help make this a stronger hook, I think, 'cause this is a rough start to the flow of your work.
This metaphor is nice, but the clock is unknowing of anything that happens around it, whether those happenings lay in the future, past, or present, so it's a little odd. I'll admit that this is nit-picky, though. I just thought it was an odd humanization of the clock.
Wonky quotation mark is clinging to the wrong sentence!!
(Fix bebby with hammer)Also, I love the name Maddock. I sure hope this character lives up to the coolness of that name.
Oh, and this is a much better version of the sneak peek you shared with me in Discord. You did a lot to make the scene stronger and more clear. Very nice. Overall these first two paragraphs are a good hook!
Shouldn't this be “in” her grip? Not on it?
I was imagining crocuses as more thistle-like and I just imagined pain, pain, pain, but I googled them and they look much more delicate. Not that any flowers growing from ones skin would be pleasant.
For this portion, I just wanna point out that you say “With his left little chubby hand”, but I think “With his chubby little left hand” would read better? Or even “With his little chubby left hand”. Specifying left before the rest makes it sound awkward and I sort of stumble through reading it.
Poor babby!!
Nit-pick, but maybe you should add a comma between “light” and “earthy”?
I think emphasis (italics) on “without” would make this a stronger bit of dialogue from the woman. It would show her contempt even more, play into the horrible person she's already shown herself to be, if that makes sense? Like, as it is, it works fine, but having her put some bite into “without” would up her nastiness, I think.
Ya, her pursed her lips. – I'm just joking around, but heyo, another typo, oh no!
I also have to say that I enjoyed how Maddock realized the child was “special”, I guess? I don't want to say “peculiar” and draw comparisons to Miss Peregrine's Home-- haven't even read it. Maybe I'll just use “quirk/s/y” even though that gives me mega MHA vibes--
I like how Maddock realizes that child has quirks and immediately goes from “wha,,,?” to “Oh, heck no, you can't have any kids.” “You sure?” “Positive”.
Good Maddock. I like him already.
Ahhhh, I'm just imagining incredible pain from all of this.
For the “special scissors” bit, I'd maybe add “in Maddock's hands” or something of the sort to the end of this sentence, just to give them a stronger tether to the scene, and also clarify them more than just “the special scissors”, but that's a minor suggestion--
But what about after he's been adopted and the flowers continue to grow? What happens when the adopters realize this kid is a rampant garden disguised as a boy? Surely Maddock has considered this? I figure the trimming of flowers isn't solely to keep Luca's true nature secret-- having him look presentable is sure to up his chances of adoption-- but it seems as though that's still a part of it?
Oh my god, I had no idea what word you were going for there but then Maddock corrected him and-- That's such a cute interaction, dang man.
Ooh, I see you went along with the metaphor. I wasn't expecting it, and when I read it, it flowed really smoothly here. Nice job!
Good dialogue. Luca's already got his own distinct voice and it's all great. And Maddock is pretty distinct as well. Their interactions are spot-on. I already really like these two characters.
I'd say “walk out the door”, rather than “out of”. Out of sounds like he's somehow inside the door, and even if he were in the doorway itself, it'd sound weird. Or, you could swap “door” for “room” and it'd work fine. I lean towards the prior suggestion, but it's up to youu-- I also realize this may be a typo, so no biggie!
Those things grow in fast. I've had to google these flower names as I've gone through, but they all look great and I'm sort of building an idea of what this boy looks like with the various flowers.
Real quick, I appreciate the apparent wordplay you tried to execute with “The pain stung like a honey bee's” (like a honey bee's sting, nice), but it doesn't really read very naturally? It sort of sounds like “the pain stung like a honey bee's pain”, which doesn't make sense. Saying “like a honey bee's sting” would be kind of repetitive, though. I'd recommend rewording this a bit. I love the simile, but I just don't think it works with that wordplay, unfortunately.
Calling out gives me a louder sound, but the comma works against that. Maybe use an exclamation mark?
And done!
I loved this! I love your writing, I love the concept, and although it does share some base similarities with Peculiar Children, you've got your own spin on it. The life you breathe into your characters is, as always, fantastic and entrancing. Another great job!
Your writing and pacing were both spot-on. Your writing, for me, is really easy to read? But, like, in the sense that it's enjoyable and doesn't try too hard to be fancy. It's just really good and never fails to keep me immersed.
Your characters were both presented nicely and their personalities are already beginning to show, kinda, which is great for such a brief introduction. Maddock is clearly caring and sympathetic, and Luca seems to respect him, though he might not realize just how much Maddock care? Luca is also, understandably, concerned with the oddness of his flower-growing body, but it doesn't consume him and that's not all his character is. He seems to have the beginning of some character depth, and I'm excited to see where things go?
Your flow was good throughout, the few choppy sentences I pointed out here and there barely denting it (though fixing those would be a good idea).
And I think that's all. Great work all around!
Hope this review was helpful!
- Hatt
Thank you so much for this review! (And the promotion!) It was incredibly helpful. I made those little edits and tried to reword some sections. And I know I say this every time, but I'll try to proofread the next time I post xD