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Young Writers Society


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Moonlight: Chapter Six

by Danni88


Loki held his hands up. "Cool down, Tem! It's only me!" 

Artemis's face remained stony. "I can see that." She gestured to the others. "Why have you brought these into my forest?" She sneered at Peridot. "And a daughter of that numbskull, La Fens, as well." 

"It's not what you think! We've captured her." He scowled. "Oh, give up the high and mighty goddess act, Tem. I'm sick of this. Can't I drop by and see you once in a while without being interrogated by the one-girl Mafia?" 

Artemis grinned. "Well, I have to look tough in front of my huntresses, don't I?" She relaxed and slung her bow over her shoulder. "Who are these lot?" 

Loki gestured to them. "Maia, Charlie, Alfie, and, er, Emerald or something." 

"Peridot," Peridot snapped. "And my father is NOT A NUMBSKULL!" 

Artemis glared at her. "Shut up." She turned to Loki. "What was that demon doing earlier?" 

"It seemed to be hunting us," said Maia. "But... I don't know why." 

Artemis scrutinised her. "You don't look that powerful. Wait a sec....." she grabbed Maia's necklace. "Gods of Olympus, I haven't seen one of these for years! Did you know you had a Power Stone hanging round your neck?" 

Maia frowned.  "What the heck is a Power Stone?" 

"You're a fairy, right?" 

Maia nodded. 

"Power Stones amplify a fairy's elemental magic. What's your element?" 

All fairies are able to control one element - earth, air, fire, water, ice or lightning. Eve was water. Maia was lightning. 

The only trouble was, she couldn't control that any more than her normal magic. 

"Lightning," she said. "But I'm not very good at it." 

Artemis beamed at her. "Congrats. Now you can control the other five." She turned back to Loki. "You need to teach her how to use that thing." 

"Hold on!" Maia cried. "You can't just drop a bombshell like that and walk away! How does it work? Is that how it killed the demon?" 

Artemis turned back to her. "To use a Power Stone, you just have to think about the element you want to use and the stone will do all the work for you. I can't use it, because it only works for fairies, but Loki and I can teach you how, if you want. Do you want to camp with me and my Hunters for the night? I'll even let you bring La Fens." 

"I'd love to," said Maia, and she meant it. Artemis seemed nice, if a little scary, and she really wanted to learn more about her necklace. "But we have to get to Marfak's Peak." She explained about her mother's vision. 

Artemis whistled. "That's a hard task you're taking on there, mate. Look, stay the night with us. It'll be safer - I don't trust that demon king to send another assassin after you. I'll give you a crash course on the stone, and in the morning, I can get you to Marfak's Peak. There's a really quick way that only I know." 

"Really?" Maia wanted to hug her. "I can't believe this. You've made everything so much easier." 

Artemis smiled. "I'm a goddess. That's what I do." She checked her watch. "I make it half past ten. If we start walking now, we should reach camp at about 11am. Do you like fish?" 

"Yes." 

"Good. We're right next to a river, so we'll catch some for lunch." She smiled. "You seem like a smart, brave girl. If you ever want to join my Hunt, you'd be welcome. But you have to be a maiden, so no boyfriends." 

Maia grinned. "Thanks for the offer. If I survive this mission, I'll think about it." 

Artemis laughed. "Come on. This way." 

"What about Peridot?" Charlie asked. 

"Oh, bring her if you must," Artemis called over her shoulder. 

As Maia fell into step behind the goddess, her mind went to her necklace. Would it really control all six elements? She felt like she was walking on clouds. No longer would she be the misfit who couldn't control her magic. That would show Aunt Lou!

As they departed from the clearing, there was a low hiss. The wind picked up, whistling around the clearing. 

A low voice growled, "Follow her. Bring her to me." 

"What about the godling and the wizards?" another hissed. 

The voice gave a low, rumbling laugh. "Kill them all. Slowly." 


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Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:02 am
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey danni88! Happy revmo! :)


I haven't read the previous chapters, so I apologise for not being able to comment much in the way of anything relevant to that, or if it affects something I say in the reason as a result. Still! I hope that I can be of some help to your work! Let's get into it, shall we?


So I understand that, as I am coming into this without knowledge of what was happening before hand, I'm at a disadvantage. Take this suggestion with a grain of salt- I think I would have liked to see some explanation at the beginning as to what's happening? Like, a continuation from the last chapter, but more of a reminder of what's happening. Why is Loki holding his hands up and saying "cool down"? Who is Artemis gesturing to when you mention "the others"? This feels more like a second part to a beginning of a chapter than a beginning of a new chapter, if that makes sense.


"It's not what you think! We've captured her." He scowled.


Who? Loki? One of the others? I think you could stand to have clarification here.

Artemis grinned. "Well, I have to look tough in front of my huntresses, don't I?" She relaxed and slung her bow over her shoulder.


I'm...a little confused. Not only did this seem sudden, given her earlier reaction to, well. Loki? Peridot? The whole group of them? Regardless, she seemed to switch rather sudden. And if she has to "look tough in front of her huntresses", did her huntresses leave somewhere between the beginning and now? Because I didn't even know anyone else was there.

Artemis scrutinised her. "You don't look that powerful. Wait a sec....."


When she trails off at the end, there should only be three periods! Three periods make an ellipsis. The other two are unnecessary and, well. Incorrect haha.

All fairies are able to control one element - earth, air, fire, water, ice or lighting. Eve was water. Maia was lighting.

The only trouble was, she couldn't control that any more than her normal magic.


First of all, the first sentence switched from past to present tense and then back to past in the next one. Also! This? feels a lot like a little infodump? It kind of breaks the narrative here by like, just saying this is how it is. And I could have understood if a character was saying this, but the way it's presented into the prose is? Odd I suppose.

And then the second line, I feel like that should have been something that was introduced earlier? It seems like a character detail that should have been brought up earlier but, again, I haven't read any more so I couldn't say for sure.

"Congrats. Now you can control the other five."


I don't really know what just happened her? Artemis makes it sound like Maia can suddenly just control them, but it sounds like with the Power Stone, she has been able to but she just didn't know it?


So to my understanding, it seems like there is some combination of Greek and Norse Gods going on here (or is Loki just a character's name haha)? Which is pretty cool, I haven't encountered this being done before. It's a neat concept!


I think my main concern here was the lack of balance between dialogue and...most everything else. I'm constantly harking on about this in all my reviews, but I would like to see more description. I have zero concept of what's going on around them at any time. There is limited movement between the characters, and not too much outside of the dialogue and facial expression? But like, description? What does it look like around them? What season is it? Is there a breeze? Does it smell like anything? Is there any noises going on around them? Etc, etc. This is the kind of thing I would love to have seen, to give more of a balance between dialogue and story. And to have worked the little snippets of information into the narrative rather then just dropping them in? If that makes sense.


Also! I'm not clear on whose point of view this is in? Unless it's omniscient author narration? It seemed to lean towards Maia towards the end, but at the beginning I almost got the impression it was Loki?


I think that's all I have for you today, however! If you have any questions, please let me know. Keep up the good work!

I hope you're having a fantastic time! :D

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Danni88 says...


Thanks! Yes, Loki and Artemis are the original ones.



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Wed Sep 19, 2018 3:33 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Last one for now!

Specifics

1. I'm not sure I understand Artemis' comment about huntresses - who does she mean? Maia and Peridot? Or some other people who aren't there? If they aren't there, why does she says she has to look tough in front of them?

2. How does Maia feel about someone she just met grabbing her necklace? She doesn't seem to react at all! I'd be worried about not getting it back/ invasion of private space. Even if she isn't worried, it's still a questionable thing to do so it feels like she should react in some way.

3.

All fairies are able to control one element - earth, air, fire, water, ice or lightning. Eve was water. Maia was lightning.

The only trouble was, she couldn't control that any more than her normal magic.
This is an info dump! It feels like you're directly telling us it rather than having it come up naturally in the story and we don't need to know what Eve's is just now and you tell us Maia's in the next line of dialogue and that she's not so good so you can cut this whole part.

4.
Artemis whistled. "That's a hard task you're taking on there, mate. Look, stay the night with us. It'll be safer - I don't trust that demon king to not send another assassin after you. I'll give you a crash course on the stone, and in the morning, I can get you to Marfak's Peak. There's a really quick way that only I know."


Overall

I like Artemis, she's very strong willed and no nonsense which is what I'd expect from someone who's been around as long as a Goddess has. I think she's also generous with her time and it's great that she can get them to where they need to be faster, though I wonder what's in it for her. Is she perhaps curious about the power stone or is she friendlier with Loki than currently clear and therefore is doing this as a favour to him? I get the impression she's actually more interested in Maia than Loki - it may be nice to see if he has noticed that too and to understand if he cares or not.

The other characters get lost a bit in this chapter, other than a few digs at Peridot, and it makes me wonder if they're serving any purpose. Charlie and Alfie haven't really added anything to the story for a little while now so you need to give them something important to do soon or they'll just feel like extra baggage.

More description would also be good but I think I've complained at you enough on that front for now. So just remember to keep reminding us where the characters are and to describe their reactions and body language to us.

Catch you again soon!

~Heather




Danni88 says...


Thanks! I will make the edits



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