Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Author's note: The ending is lackluster, but I'm honestly not sure how to condense what I wanted to express within a short story. My idea for this actually expands into a novel and it's not really a novel I wanted to write. The conspiracy idea (and the title) came out of left-field, so resolving it isn't really something that I know how to do. This story is put on hold (and most likely finished) for the time being.
I welcome any and all criticism.
1,000 words
-
She stands over me, her hands on her hips, and her head cocked at a weird angle. “Seriously, like, didn’t picture you to be the twin who would invite their fetish to work. I can’t get enough of the werewolf ladies, but I certainly don’t invite them to this hellhole of a gas station.”
The weight of the vampire on my chest is restricting, so I shove him off. I worry, just for a second, that maybe I could accidentally injure him further. I stare at him for a second, waiting for him to breathe, but it looks like the stake that impaled his chest actually killed him. I can’t tell if that’s a shame or not, but at least I’m alive.
Holly reaches her hand out, and I take it. She lifts me up and laughs. “I’m sorry for joking — I just didn’t expect to see you in such a compromising position.”
I laughed. “I didn’t expect a crazed vampire to try and kill me,“ I stare down at his Party City outfit and guilt twinges in my stomach. “Thank you for killing him, though. I don’t think I would fair well as a vampire.” Blood pools out from under Dil onto the floor that I cleaned this morning. I’m vaguely reminded of my duties working at this Beacon gas station, but I feel just sick enough to throw up. Apprehension and worry courses through my body, like someone has switched the adrenaline pump with a fear pump.
I lean into Holly and she stands there, a study structure of comfort in a whacky situation. She’s warm in contrast to my lack of self-regulated body temperature.
“This is a good enough catalyst to quit?” She puts her arm around my shoulder. “I’ve been wanting to quit for months.”
“Yeah, I think it is.”
-
There aren’t a lot of changelings who survive to adulthood, so I guess I should count myself lucky. I may not know everything there is to being fey, but I do know how to keep my Shift up and how to navigate in the general human world. I’m lucky to have a family that didn’t try to bake me in the oven, although that’s because Holly wasn’t switched with me.
My fey parents dumped me outside of the doorstep, not even caring to take Holly in exchange. Perhaps they didn’t want children.
I try to not let this fact sting.
-
Holly rests her head on the steering wheel, not even ready to look at me. “A fey conspiracy? Come on, little bro, I highly doubt you could go searching for something like that.” Her voice is a mixture between bemused and a bit weary, although I don’t really blame her. We both just quit our jobs on the spot and there’s no guarantee that any other place will agree to hire us together.
“You don’t know if I’m your little brother. I could be centuries older.”
She stays quiet.
I look around the empty gas station parking lot, and then I drop my shift. My dirty reddish hair lightens back to Holly’s color, my nose becomes more defined, my face becomes less angular. The binding for my breasts becomes a bit more uncomfortable too, adjusting to the switch in my body’s size. Now I’m an almost perfect replica of Holly, just without pupils. There’s a reason I refer to her as my identical twin.
Some energy returns to me since I no longer have to put in the effort to keep my shift up. Really, if I wanted, then I could probably just change my eyes to match Holly’s and then parade around life as her actual identical twin. But I don’t entirely feel like living that big of a lie.
Holly finally turns to actually look at me. “Are you really running out of energy? It’s almost 2pm. Our work shift doesn’t really end for another couple of hours.” Concern is etched across her face.
I smirk, “You try nearly being killed.”
She straightens up and peers out of the car window into the gas station. “Do you think our old manager will notice the dead body on the floor? Will she call the cops? Should we call the cops?”
“You’re not typically the nervous twin,” I remark. I look like her, but my voice definitely doesn’t sound like hers. Thank heavens. Still, I understand her worries. “They’ll probably look at the footage and realize that you killed him in self-defense. Plus, it’s not like there’s much justice for vampires.”
She groans, “Don’t remind me. I always worry about you and something happening to you.”
“I’m not a vampire.”
“You’re fey.”
“Thanks for reminding me.”
She turns the key and the engine turns on. “Where to, Mason? Back home to begin the job search or should we have an adventure?”
“Let’s head down to the forest. Maybe my parents will answer this time.”
“Don’t you mean our parents?” Holly tends to constantly switch between othering me and than forgetting that I’m not her actual twin but it’s a welcome sort of dissonance.
“Fey, Holly. Maybe they have something to do with the conspiracy.” She rolls her eyes at me and backs out of the parking space, keeping her eye on the surroundings as I close my eyes and lower the windows. The wind sweeps through my curly hair and relaxation is somewhat possible. The hum of the engine and Holly’s nervous chattering grounds me.
Our world is a whacky and wild one, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.
-
Holly and I have gone on many different adventures since I was dropped onto her doorstep. We’ve played with pixies, riddled with gnomes, befriended werewolves and vampires, and we’ve tried to navigate my fey ancestry with upmost care.
We did not expect to get lost in the woods, riddled by my fey birthparents. We did not expect to unlock a conspiracy. We did not expect to nearly die.
But what’s life without a little risk?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey Evander,
Shady here with a review for you this fine review day. I haven't read part one to this short story, so I apologize from the get-go if I miss anything that would've made sense if I'd read the start of the story -- but I will do my best to find things to comment on that will be helpful to you. Let's get started~
Why should he care if he injures him further if he tried to kill him?
Okay, so this is just a pet peeve of mine, but the "try and" phrase really gets on my nerves. I would recommend replacing the "and" with just about anything else -- just pleaaaaase don't try and do anything lol. Maybe just leave it at "try to kill me" rather than the try and?
Drop your shift? Do you mean drop your gaze or drop your eyes?
No offense but this just seems like a really... stupid question. I mean how could you NOT notice a dead body on the floor? It seems like a pretty obvious fact that the manager is going to notice a bleeding corpse crumpled in the middle of the floor.
~ ~ ~
I agree the ending is a bit lackluster, but I don't think it's bad. It was an interesting little piece of fiction and I enjoyed the read, even with the weak ending. And it wasn't like a HORRIBLE ending or anything. Just a bit anti-climatic.
I know you said that you're planning on tabling this idea, but I do agree that this could make an interesting novel idea if you ever have the time to go back and expand this into something bigger. You do have an interesting idea here and so far I like your characters. I'd say you should go with it if you ever decide you want to.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Oh my goodness, I can't believe I didn't respond to your review!
Oh, so, I should have capitalized "Shift" in that instance. I know that it wasn't well explained, but a Shift is basically... a way to shapeshift? So, uh, Mason shifted his form from his male human appearance to his fey Holly replica.
Once again, thank you so much for the review and I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to respond until now.
Heya, Adri.
You already know that I've not been reviewing much recently, but I hope that this review lives up to some expectations and helps you out. I'm in a bit of a rush so I'll focus on grammar mainly. Dunno how much general content stuff I can cover, but I'll try!
So starting this off, it's been a while since I read the previous part and I couldn't quite recall how it ended so the start here was kinda confusing. That's probably due to me not remembering the first part's ending, but yeah. Uhh-- like
I couldn't grasp the “twin” part for a second, and I kind of thought it was the main character talking to the vampire so it was confusing. I also couldn't recall another character entering the scene last time so the “she” you mentioned was out of the blue-- but again, I dunno how the other part ended. “Like” tossed in there also feels a bit weird and unnatural, but ahh this is a spiel now.
Moving on--
Oop, you've got a brief shift to past tense with that “laughed”.
This should be “fare”, I'm pretty sure.
I would toss in a “had” before “cleaned”, or make it “I'd cleaned”. Smooths it out a bit.
I feel like you could use a stronger word than “worry” here. Also, the use of “switched” has me thinking you're going to say that someone's switched his adrenaline pump on, but then you say that it's been replaced. Maybe go for “swapped” or something of the sort, instead?
I'm guessing you meant “sturdy” here.
I... get how this reads? But it looks odd. Maybe you should consider making it “Is this”? The question mark is what really makes it weird. It's fine? But there's something weird about it. I'll leave this to your discretion.
Also, who's talking here? It sounds like Holly, with her putting her arm around the MC, but I realize it could be the MC asking her, and her responding
If it's the MC talking, then maybe clarify that with a short tag before Holly puts her arm around him. Otherwise, uh, maybe put a tag on “Yeah, I think it is” to signify the MC is responding?
This is also worded a little weirdly. It might read more neatly as “I may not know everything there is to know about being fey”, but it's up to you.
I'd suggest making this “switched out for me” or something like that. The way it is now is vaguely confusing. It's nothing too bad, but I had to pause when I hit it. The meaning isn't particularly confusing? It just kind of stems the flow a bit.
- “mixture of bemusement and weariness” would sound better, I think. Or, if you want to keep “bemused and a bit weary,” you could go for “Her voice is halfway between bemused and a bit weary”.
The, uh, “a bit” feels different from the rest, though, so at the very least I'd recommend dropping that. It just doesn't sound quite proper with “a bit” in there.
This could've been a nice spot for some friendly sibling banter. “Oh, suuure. You're still my little bro, though.” That kinda thing. It'd be a fun tidbit and could help flesh out the characters' relationship some more. I know, however, that you're not really planning to continue this, and you had to keep it from winding too much, so I understand why you might not want to delve into that too much.
Holly's reaction gives the scene a much more somber vibe, which you may have been going for, though, so the banter wouldn't be a great idea for that (though, you could have both-- banter, then tapering off into silence). But yeah, just a little note, if you were interested any in building the two's relationship.
I would've touched on the, uh, transformation scene, but we talked about that in Discord. Will note that you can prob change some of the description so it's clearer.
This sounded like he already had breasts? Which, technically he would, but you know what I mean-- and binding sounds like he was wearing a bra? Which, no judgment. It just threw me off for a minute and I thought he was actually a girl in either form. But cool, cool, talked it over in Discord, lel.
She says this, but they previously mention having just quit? So that doesn't really matter unless they absolutely can't leave until their shift is up anyway--
I don't see why she wouldn't? Silly Holly, haha.
(Wasn't really self-defense so much as protecting ya, MC).
This is kind of an odd interaction. Uhh. It doesn't make a ton of sense for Holly to react that way to the MC saying there's no justice for vampires unless the MC had outright mentioned fey in general as well? And then the “Thanks for reminding me” when she mentions he's fey is weird because he just dropped his shift. I get that it's not a literal reminder, but it feels funny with him just exhibiting one of his fey abilities.
Repetition of “turns” here is unsatisfactory. You could say “and the engine roars to life” or “and the engine ignites” (which might not be entirely the right way to word it, and sounds more like their car exploded in flames, but yeah). If it's an older car you could say “sputters” instead of “roars”. Plenty of words to play with to describe it, which can spice up the sentence in general, as its current state is pretty bland, repetition aside. (Not that every. Single. Sentence. Needs to be spiced up? But it can be good to toss some here and there.)
I think there should be a comma after “job search”. Maybe a question mark, actually, but that feels like too many, so at least a comma.
This sentence is nice. I like it. I just don't know exactly what you mean by “othering” here. Maybe it's a typo, or maybe something is just flying over my head. -shrug-
*utmost
And done!
I realize that this ending isn't quite what you were hoping for, and was cut short because you kinda lost interest in the story (or whatever, oops, I'm in a rush now and trying to finish this up fast, lel). But this ending was pretty good. I liked it. It's cliffhangery, but the last lines are nice.
Pacing-wise, this work was good. It flowed nicely, the characters were decent, and I was kept involved throughout most of it. Any parts where flow broke are mentioned above. Otherwise, it's all good.
I hope this review was helpful! Keep up the great work, buddy boy.
-Hatt