Young Writers Society

Hello, Evander. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let’s get started, shall we?

The beginning was perfect to me. I love it. That first line:

I didn’t really expect to die to a vampire in a Beacon gas station on a Sunday afternoon, but life often has other plans for me.

That was a nice touch.

That was the weirdest transition. It went from ‘I am going to die from a vampire’ to ‘he’s pretty handsome.’ Don’t know what to think of that.

He stares at me and continues with his fake accent, “Vhy is a fey vorking in a gas station?”

He spoke in the beginning? I don’t know… maybe replace the word ‘continues’?
He stares at me and starts speaking with his fake accent, “Vhy is a few vorking in a gas station? (The purple is the edited part.)

The vampire makes me smile. Trying to sound tough with an accent and stuff. I like him.

Oh. I didn’t realize the main character was a male. Big twist! Character is male. Okay. I actually like that idea. I enjoyed your short story so far because it’s comical and I can tell you just went with the flow on this one.
@Hattable pretty much stated everything in his review so this is more of a personal opinion review from me.

Keep up the great work! Might read part 2 when I can.
Keep writing!

- Kanome

Hey, Adri!

I'm liking the whole Fey direction you've been going recently. It's real fun.

You know how my reviews go. Grammar here we come! Also, present tense tends to confuse my brain, so I apologize in advance if any of my notes contradict your chosen tense! I'll try not to get too mixed up.

I didn’t really expect to die to a vampire in a Beacon gas station on a Sunday afternoon, but life often has other plans for me. Of course, these plans are never a full ride scholarship to Salem University or an internship at a welder’s guide, but these plans never really ended up pinning me up against the refrigerator section as a vampire monologued about the fey cult and how he was being unfairly targeted by fey kind.

Both of these sentences are long and winding, the second especially, and it's doubly worse for them being the first sentences of the story? I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but ya gotta have a nice, smooth hook. The first sentence could be a hook, but it feels too long and takes a while to really get to the point? I realize it's not massively long, but it's the first sentence and surpasses a single line, which doesn't seem great?
I'd also suggest changing “didn't” to “never”? I can't really articulate why that sounds better, but I hope you get it? Ah, but then you'd have to change “expect” to “expected” and that might mess with your present tense. It might not but I'm not sure, so... Take this with a grain of salt.

The second sentence, heck. I'm not sure how to help it, but it could be chopped up. It needs to be chopped up. It's not only long, but it drags a bit much for the second sentence of your story.
I was momentarily confused by the mention of the refrigerator section before going back and rereading the first sentence to remember that they were in a gas station. This might be caused by the length of both sentences, or it could just be my tired brain, lel.

Reword suggestion:

Of course, these plans are never a full ride scholarship to Salem University or an internship at a welder's guide. But these plans also never really ended up pinning me up against a gas station refrigerator, listening to a vampire monologue about the fey cult that was targeting him unfairly.

“Listen, dude, all I wanted to do was to stop you from shoplifting. I’m not paid enough to deal with this.” In my head, my words probably sound a lot more in control than they actually are. My twin sister often says that I’m a coward, but she’s not around to debate with me on my composure. In fact, she left me to go pick up Subway in our pickup truck. So, I have to struggle through my non-heroic words as I’m being held up against cool metal glass by the literal scruff of my shirt.

*quotes entire second paragraph*
So, typically the words after dialogue are on a new line, unless they're a dialogue tag or an action directly after or during said dialogue. I'd recommend either dropping everything after the dialogue to a new line and tacking a tag after it (the dialogue) to specify that it's the MC talking, or you can drop everything after “In my head, my words probably sound a lot more in control than they actually are.”

Also, I've never heard the phrase “metal glass” and I'm not sure if that's correct? But I'm also not sure if it's incorrect, so maybe don't mind this, lel.

Who pays with conch shells for beer?)

Haha, nice.

I do have to say, so far, (as Kayla mentioned to you) that the MC seems to be speaking of this as though it's already happened. It's like he's filling us in, between events unfolding around him? He doesn't seem properly phased outside of his dialogue, and even that isn't as panicked as one would expect the victim of a vampire stick-up to be.

I’m currently struggling for my life. I’m actually really upset right now. Like, I think there are tears in my eyes, and I worked for years in order to not cry in public. I guess dying to a vampire is enough to break down all the barriers I built up over the years.

Like here. He tells us that he's struggling and upset and all, but we don't really see it, and it doesn't even sound like he's all that upset. He's just stating facts about the situation to us without giving emotion, and present tense should have a lot more emotion than if he were just recounting it.

Like, I dunno, Holly says that my taste in dudes is weird, but I don’t really mind the entire vampire aesthetic. Like, I could totally be down for cuddling with a vamp in a coffin, provided that he listens to the right music.

“Like,” “Like,” - Okay, Shaggy. I don't think two sentences in a row starting with “like” works very well, lel. Also, I'm assuming Holly is either his sister or a friend? Maybe specify? (Unless you do later – I'm writing this as I read).

“Dude,” I choke out, “I’m not in any sort of,” he presses tighter, “grand conspiracy!”

You should switch the commas out for dashes to indicate breaks better. The way it is, with the commas, looks weird? And dashes tend to give the broken-up speech thing a more genuine feel, whereas commas here just feel. Odd? I dunno, I'm guessing someone being choked by a vampire wouldn't pause naturally, and would instead choke out their words, so. Dashes.

My back is cooold. I’m gonna dieee.

This sort of fits with the character's behavior throughout, so far, and the style of writing-- but it's not panicked. It's more like mockery of the situation? Or bored whining? And I'm thinking he should feel more threatened than to whine all exasperatedly.
There's a disconnected feeling here, from everything else. I'm not sure if it's simply the above note, or the stretched out vowels as well.

I don’t even have the chance to tell Karen: ‘I’m not fired! Because I quit!’ And then reveal my true nature as she screams in horror and realizes that her discriminatory hiring policies weren’t enough to knock me out of the running! Okay, maybe I wouldn’t reveal my true nature to her. It’s not even my true nature; it’s just a lie that decided to be my default body. Ugh. Too complicated even in my own head.

This is some random, sudden rambling. “I don't even have the chance” feels like a break from the present tense, as well. It should probably be “I won't”?
The rest after the “Because I quit” is very ramble-y, and doesn't feel necessary to the story? Unless you want to drop a hint that he is also fey (or something else non-human) and his employer is racist against fey/whatever he is? But I'm sure you could have done this more naturally.

Back to dying!

Funny, but gives the sense that he isn't paying attention to what's going on. He's in his head a lot, and unless all of these thoughts are zipping by in a millisecond or so, he's bound to be killed by this vampire.

He stares at me and continues with his fake accent, “Vhy is a fey vorking in a gas station?” Was it supposed to be Russian? Transylvanian? “Vhy is fey pretending to be human?”

OMG, ACCENT WRITTEN OUT! Jk, this is fun, but it should be “Is it supposed to be Russian?” (you already got that, though, whoops).
You do say “continues”, however, and we've yet to hear the vampire speak since this story started? So, even though he's probably spoken to the MC prior to our introduction to the story, “continued” isn't exactly proper.
And this is a more natural way to drop the whole MC-is-also-fey thing, so you could rework the Karen paragraph a bit and keep this here and-- boom.

Like, I know that they can conceal it (only Pan knows if Jake really did try) just like fey or pixies throw on Shifts, but it can be difficult.

I'm not sure if I'm missing a reference in the parentheses, but either way, it's pretty confusing? I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to say there. It also breaks up the rest of the sentence and makes it awkward to read. Where's the flowww, man!?

“Vhy is vampire pretending to ve Russian?” Wow, I’m not really the smartest cookie. At least my mother loves me! “I’m not even fey. You have the wrong guy.”

Hahah, great comeback. “Smartest cookie” and “At least my mother loves me!” kind of drop the quality of the joke, but that may just be my sense of humor, so don't mind this note. This is great.
Oh, but I would suggest changing the last bit to “You've got the wrong guy”, only because that sounds like a more natural way of talking.

He bars his sparkling white fangs and cocks his head to the side— at least he’s dropping the dumb accent. “Fey have aura too, dumbass.”

*bares
How does the MC know he's dropping the accent before he speaks?

“Drop your Shift. I want to see want you look like before I kill you.”

“I want to see want you look like”
I'd also make it “what you really look like”, because he currently looks like however his Shift appears? So that could be “what you look like”. Blah blah, you get it. But that's just a suggestion!

 It doesn’t really work and instead just causes him to press against me further. Ugh. “Okay, yeah, I’m fey.”

You should either drop the dialogue itself to a new line, or the “Ugh” and the dialogue together. Tacking dialogue to the end of a paragraph, even if it's about the character who speaks, isn't grammatically correct I don't think.

Do I have to call him vamp? I’ll call him Dil.

!! Dil made it in! lel

“Fey have the strongest type of aura, you absolute dumbass. Well, now I know I’m safe, since the Council only sends their absolute worst.”

His dialogue is confusing? Is he saying, like, “yeah no duh I knew you were fey” to the MC admitting? And then, what's with him “knowing he's safe”? Is this just dissing the MC?
That's probably it but I dunno, heck.

I previously hadn’t expected for this shoplifting scheme to have turned into my death. Truly. All I wanted to do was say, ‘hey, sir, stop it.’ Like, he was only stealing chips? This wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. It was supposed to be a benign shoplifter. But, innocent things always get corrupted when the fey are involved.

I love this paragraph. Great writing, it's funny. My only issue with it is the beginning. “I previously hadn't”--. I get what you're going for, but it doesn't feel right. I can't think of any way to fix it, but hopefully you can work something out!

My sister won’t be back from her lunch break for, well, only Pan knows how long.

Ohh, okay, Pan, duh. Fey must worship him or something. I'm still confused by the mention of Pan and Jake earlier. I guess it's like saying “God knows if Joe tried,” but-- ah.

I instinctively shout out, “I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Add an exclamation mark for accurate shouting and more emotion*

Touching the group for the last time.

Ground, you mean?


Aaand, done. That last line was amazing. I loved it.
You're pretty good at writing humor! I enjoyed this, and it was a deviation from what I've previously read from you. I can't say whether I enjoyed it more than your other SAW works. There was some issue with how the narrator behaved in this work, being super calm and even seemingly indifferent to the situation, for the most part? But you've heard enough of that.
The pacing was alright, sentence lengths were nice and evened out, first paragraph aside. Nice work!

Looking forward to where this goes with the second part!

- Hatt

Hi there Adri. This is Kayla here dropping in for a review. Warning that I'm a little rusty, but let's see what I can do.

I didn’t really expect to die to a vampire in a Beacon gas station on a Sunday afternoon, but life often has other plans for me. Of course, these plans are never a full ride scholarship to Salem University or an internship at a welder’s guide, but these plans never really ended up pinning me up against the refrigerator section as a vampire monologued about the fey cult and how he was being unfairly targeted by fey kind.

This is an interesting opening, though the second sentence here does end up being a little on the long side. Another critique I have on the second sentence is about the personification of life's plans for the main character--is this supposed to suggest the vampire is the one pinning the narrator up against the refrigerator section? That part's a little unclear because then the phrase 'as a vampire' is utilized which suggests that the plans represent another person pinning the character up.

Anyway, that's more on the minor side but I wanted to mention that. Moving on!

“Listen, dude, all I wanted to do was to stop you from shoplifting. I’m not paid enough to deal with this.” In my head, my words probably sound a lot more in control than they actually are. My twin sister often says that I’m a coward, but she’s not around to debate with me on my composure. In fact, she left me to go pick up Subway in our pickup truck. So, I have to struggle through my non-heroic words as I’m being held up against cool metal glass by the literal scruff of my shirt.

The dialogue from the main character is funny and feels real here. Nice job on that. The phrase 'pick up Subway in our pickup truck' in the third sentence is a little wordy, and in the sentence following, the description of the glass feels a little out of place. Is that where his priorities are? There's also two adjectives in a row there which I'd suggest changing to one, but that's more personal preference in that instance.

I have to say: The inner monologue of the main character is well-executed. The audience is able to get an idea of what he's like through his thoughts, and I liked that. The voice given to him is strong and is definitely a positive aspect of the work, but I wish that he seemed a bit more anxious or scared in his thoughts? This leads to my first more major issue of this short story, the tense changes.

I realize that this is supposed to be written in the present tense but the first sentence of the piece suggests this is past tense and secondly, his state of mind during the first couple of paragraphs makes this seem as if the scene already happened. To be more specific, the monologue makes this seem as if he's looking back on a memory that's scary, but a memory he survived from. The problem is, that's not the case--he's presently experiencing this. Him whining about dying fixes this more later on, though.

Now for a more positive part of the work, the urban fantasy and the aura. I love this aspect. Love it. The incorporation of fey, werewolves, vampires, and more is natural and I enjoy that a lot. The concept with the aura and a 'Shift' is also quite interesting. There's a mix of fantasy and comedy throughout which I enjoyed. The joke at the end is funny and the fact that this is all because he pointed the vampire out as a shoplifter is great. This can of course use polish/editing, though overall I enjoyed this and I hope we learn more about the magic system in the next part, too. The narration at parts feels a little over-the-top and the worldbuilding/flow of information can be a more natural, but I understand that this is a short story and you needed to fit that in somewhere. Nice job.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.