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The Raven Heir - Part 2 (sort of)

by DougalOfBiscuits


A/N: Should probably explain the sort of... I'm getting used to how long it's reasonable for a poem to be so the last post was really short. I thought it was unfair to post this under the old one and then ask people's opinions when they'd already reviewed, so if you come across this and haven't read the first of the part 2's, I highly recommend you go read that, like more than usual.

Also, glossing! All words and spellings from Scots will be in bold, with explanations in a second A/N at the bottom. Let me know if you prefer this method.

-

Ye may have heard of Firen some

He wis as tricksy as they come.

He wished tae speak in mortal ear

Tae sow in them the seed ae fear.

Then tae drive them a' tae madness,

Paranoia, greed an sadness.

Then tae Queen Mab he would report

In epic ballads at her court.

'Twas he the Raven King had focht,

He vile of tongue with wicked thocht.

-

So when our princess speaks of him

The mood becomes yet still maer grim.

The first to speak is her ain aunt

Who asks her tae have leave tae rant.

-

"Princess Edri, I love ye dear

But cannae shake this clinging fear.

Its teeth have sunk in like a leech,

And though yer pardon I beseech,

It saps my essence an my will.

I see ye fae yer words strong still

But I do fear that our true hope

Won't even be enough to cope."

-

Her voice did tremble as she spoke,

Until she could no more than croak.

She's now helped down intae her chair.

A window's opened fir the air.

-

The princess rubs her eyes and face,

Tries tae escape this troubled place.

Her mind flees tae the field of war.

This moment's what it's all been for.

-

"I love ye more than words can say

Ye must each play yer part today.

Please trust in me to get us through

I think this is what we must do."

--------------------------

Ye - You    Wis - Was    Tae - To    Ae - Of    A' - All

Focht/Thocht - Essentially "ocht" means "ought"

Our - Obviously this is a Standard English word but just to flag up that it would be pronounced "Oor". The problem is that I just find that a really cringeworthy spelling and it's kinda one of Scotland's stereotypes so I never write it that way.

Mair - More    Ain - Own    Cannae - Can't. "Canna" would also work here, but I'm from the central belt of Scotland, and "Canna" is more highlands/Aberdeenshire.

An - And    Fae - From. Pretty sure "Frae" could also be used. In fact I think I might have written it as "Frae" in Part 1. Scots isn't very standardised xD

Now - Again, just flagging up that that's pronounced "Noo". I'm sure I'll end up using this sound at the end of a line at some point and this will become relevant.

Intae - Into    Fir - For. It's pronounced closer to "Fur" sometimes, usually depending on your class rather than region.


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1220 Reviews


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Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:27 pm
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Kale wrote a review...



Hello hello again. It's me
Here to review once more, you see,
In rhyming form because why not?
So let us see what here we've got!

The annotations at the end
Work well enough, although they send
Me scrolling down and up again--
On mobile this is quite a pain.

I fear I may be contrary
(preferred in-line) to majority.
Regardless, it a cleaner face
Presents to readers who might race

Otherwise to other things
Lest first impressions still their wings.
And now, I feel it time to note
That verse reviews do not the quotes

Permit of lines with equal measure,
So hit me up on Discord later
To hear of all things tied to flow.
With all that said, I shall now go.

Spoiler! :
Did you see what I did there with the form? Did you? Did you?

;P




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 8:22 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi again!

Personally I liked this method of the formatting with the explanations below -- it made it way easier to appreciate the flow of the piece. Especially, because the poem isn't that long so it's not like I have to scroll too far down to get to the word meaning if unsure.

I feel like this line was a bit long: "Then tae drive them a' tae madness," -- could maybe remove the first "tae".

I like the line about the teeth/leach -- good imagery for fear there.
Was a bit confused as to what the hope is in this line "But I do fear that our true hope".

I also wanted clarification on whether the princess tries to literally leave the setting or just like she desires to get out of the conflict -- in these lines:
"The princess rubs her eyes and face,
Tries tae escape this troubled place"

I might also clarify who's speaking in the last stanza although I'm pretty sure it's the princess?

I like the development here. And am curious where it'll go. Once again I thought the story was engaging and the dialogue and rhythm sounded natural.

This section seemed to have a little less in regards to little symbols and things worked in, so I'd love to see more of that in future installments.

Happy writing!

~alliyah





These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world.
— Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah