z

Young Writers Society



The Raven Heir - Part 1

by ExOmelas


A/N: Jeez, how do I explain this thing. I've been reading The Bruce by John Barbour for Scottish Literature this week. It is a 14th century epic about Robert The Bruce. Here I have written in the same verse form (octosyllabic couplets, also known as heroic couplets) and emulated his use of the Scottish dialect, except in modern scots since that comes more naturally to me. For this Scots I have included explanations in square brackets. Let me know if you'd prefer me just to explain it all at the bottom or something (I just know I prefer it like this when I'm reading medieval texts I don't understand.)

--------

Will ye[you] listen well tae[to] this tale?

Stay close as I recount its hale[whole].

Allow yer[your] mind tae picture clear

The words that wrap around ye here.

-

Now picture ye a young princess:

All her desires she did possess

An[And] yet she weeps upon the floor,

Empty an shaken tae her core.

She longs tae sink intae her skirts

Bury herself tae flee her hurts.

The mark that shines upon her hand

She wishes no tae understand.

-

For when the Raven's mark does glow

It lets those of the Order know

That peril an woe have been met.

Our princess must defences set.

-

In the dark reaches out a hand.

Her maid who vigil guard did stand

Holds the chin of the Raven Heir,

She wipes her tears and coiffs her hair.

-

She says, "Mistress, it means but nocht[it means nothing]

It was danger yer father saught.

Be not consumed wi[with] grief an fear,

Think wit[what] good can be done frae[from] here!"

-

The princess clutches her maid's hand,

The wisest girl in a'[all] the land.

Wi but a year betwixt[between] the pair,

Ae[of] rank an' place they had na[no] care.

"Thank you, my friend," the princess said,

"You save me from my pit of dread.

Tae my father's chambers I gang[go]

Ensure the warning bell is rang."

-

The maid kisses her cheek then leaves,

But is positive she did perceive

A tremble in her lady's form

As in wind ae a mighty storm.


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Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:05 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Bisc. You've got raven in the title so I just had to read this. And also because I was started by to review the second part but then took the recommendation.

Following with tradition, let's take this from the top. You know the reason for this so there's like twenty words I can skip over.
The introduction reminded me a bit of the midnight ride of Paul revere, with the story style and the similarities in dialects. That's probably the best way I'm going to be able to manage to word that. Moving along. This sets you up for quite a few possibilities while also getting the readers ready for like an epic journey through history. Whose epic journey? We don't know at this point but with a set up like that, it had to be written about somebody cool.
And you also clearly show what words equal what so that was nice to see. Unlike certain others I've come across. *pokes green room novels*

On mobile so all of this might seem a bit shaky.
The rhyme interests me because it is so solid and manages to not fall apart halfway through. I hate to sound pessimistic here but I haven't ever expected a rhyming poem to follow through all the way and still make sense. That was rather nice.

In other news, the storyline has a nice pick up and lead up, both sides covered so hallelujah. I don't really have anything else to say because I've already stretched out my very few points enough.

Happy #Revmo !
Now I'm done #Revmo ? Hmm. We'll just have to see.




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 3:34 am
alliyah says...



Biscuits! This is quite an ambitious piece and I congratulate you because it is well done and entertaining to read with the dialect. I feel I do not have sufficient knowledge of this sort of poetry to begin to adequately review, but did want to stop by and say I like the piece. :)

~alliyah




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 3:10 am
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Kale wrote a review...



Epic poem? Check. With rhyme? Double check. In clearly-annotated dialect? Check, check, check!

Oh no. I haven't even started reading yet, but I think I'm already in love. We'll see how well this first impression holds up by the end of this part. ;P

In the dark a hand reaches out.
Her maid who had stood guard throughout
Holds the chin of the Raven Heir,
Wipes her tears, fixes her hair.

The rhythm up until this point was perfect, and then it trips up pretty hard here. The first line is a touch iffy, but if the second had remained consistent with the earlier lines, then it wouldn't have been an issue, but the latter parts of the second line feels like it's forced into iambic rather than the iambic arising naturally, and "who had" doesn't really work as an anapest. Coupled with the trip-up of the stresses in "tears, fixes", and the meter in this stanza just doesn't match up to the rest of the earlier poem.

I mean, it's entirely possible that the dialect you're using has different stresses and that it sounds just fine when read in said dialect, but I sadly am lacking in the Scottish dialect department, and thus this was the stanza where the rhythm shook apart, never to fully recover.

If it is a case of a difference in stresses due to dialect, might I recommend you record a reading? :3

THAT ASIDE, I do like what you have so far. There is a plot! There's a princess on a mission! A confrontation with a king in the near future? Perhaps! Plus there's a marvelous maid and magic!

In short, I'm looking forward to Part 2.




ExOmelas says...


Hehe I'm afraid that stanza was just an example of me being not taking enough time to make it work. I'll try and fix it xD



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Fri Sep 29, 2017 2:56 am
AneiDoru wrote a review...



Thank you for clarifying in the beginning, but it should be up to the reader to interpret what is said instead of putting in bold what the words meant, it would be nice if you trusted the reader more with being able to interpret the words. I know you want the meaning to not be lost because of the older text, but it feels like you are infantilizing the reader.




ExOmelas says...


So like, it's not really up for interpretation. If I'd written "Je m'appelle Biscuits" and annotated it as anything other than "My name is Biscuits" that would have been factually incorrect. It's a similar situation for Scots. Technically it's a dialect, but here it functions as a language and it's just unhelpful to the reader to not know what words mean. Hope this makes it a bit clearer :)




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