Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
For Tenyo's LMS contest. Word Count: 1252, approx.
Chapter Five
Hakor leaned over the pilot's shoulder, gaze narrowed on the shuttle fleeing the planet's atmosphere. He scowled, fingers digging into the seat beside the pilot's head. "Orian, focus there," he said, pointing at a small portion of the shuttle's left wing. "Do you see the breach?"
"I see it, sir," Orian replied, and their larger ship slid round to the side. "Inarus, do you have a lock?"
"Yes," the man on the other side of the cockpit said, turning to look towards them. "Shall I fire?"
Both men turned to look at him. Hakor pulled back a little, smiling smugly. "Not yet. Give it a few more minutes. I think the warning shots were enough to startle them." He pushed off the chair and turned to glance down the hall into the galley. A tall, white-haired Anshari, another of his crew, saluted him. All was well in the galley, then. He turned back to Orian and Inarus. "Once we're through, then we fire again."
"Do you want us to open a line?" Inarus asked, tapping away at his controls. He didn't look at Hakor. “I’m sure Amerys might have a few choice words to say to you now.”
Hakor snorted. “Oh, I’m sure he would. Patch me through.”
He turned and went down the hall to check on the cargo Hanina was guarding in the galley. The humans looked terrified. That was good. He let them be. He nodded to Hanina looming over their little half-breed’s so-called friends. He hadn't bothered to learn their names, and didn't see a need to. Hakor eyed the male and female carefully for a moment. They both cowered beneath their guard's glare. Good. That was just how he wanted them. He smirked, then returned to the cockpit.
"Done, sir," Inarus said, glancing towards him, one finger poised over a symbol on the screen before him. He nodded. "Whenever you're ready."
"Do it," he said, and casually leaned on the back of Orian's chair again. He looked up at the cockpit window as the view before them blinked out, only to be replaced by Ameys's surprised face. Hakor grinned. "Hello, Amerys. I think we need to have a little chat."
"Is that you shooting at us?" the other Anshari demanded in a low growl, scowling deeply at him. Hakor chuckled and tilted his head. Inarus took the innotive to fire another warning shot, barely missing the shuttle but clipping the wing again. On the screen, Amerys shuddered. "Ah, thought so. What do you want?"
"What you took from me, Ameys," Hakor snapped in a dangerously low tone. "And don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I want the boy--and his sister. Enough of the running." He leaned forwards slightly, eyes searching the other man's face. He caught a glimpse of braided black hair behind Amery's left shoulder. "I thought we had a treaty with Kavia."
"There was no treaty," Amerys deadpanned, expression blank. "The treaty was a farce. We recognize no such agreement."
"And who's the we, Amerys?" His gaze narrowed, eyes darting to the flicker of movement behind his shoulder again--the glimpse of blue-green eyes. "Surely you're not speaking for all of Anshar....or is it Kavia you speak for?"
Amerys remained stubbornly silent, and Hakor cursed, pushing off the chair again. He was getting sick of the bastard ex-prince's games. Not that Amerys had ever not been playing games. This was a game of what the Earthlings would call Chess, and the universe was their chessboard. They'd been playing it for a very long time. The other man blinked at him, turning to push at something off-screen. The glare he sent that way made a shiver run down Hakor's spine. Whoever it was that was bothering the other Anshari.... They had better hope the man didn't snap.
He pointed an accusory finger at the screen as the other Anshari turned back. "You are a traitor and you will give me what my planet demands, in accordance with the treaty!"
"A treaty that does not exist, Hakor!" the other Anshari spat in a low hiss. "Anshar has no claim to them, or to Kavia or any of its resources. What you're doing is tantamount to invasion! And it is not your planet, Hakor. It's mine; I will not give up my claim to the Ansharian throne--a throne my cousin holds in my stead, depsite your interference!"
The flicker of movement was back, and suddenly the Kavian girl was standing behind Amerys, one hand curled over his shoulder possessively. She glared at him. "You would be wise to step away from this conflict, Hakor," she said, her hand pulling Amerys back in his seat. "As one of the two who were meant to be bound to Amerys, I have equal voice in this conflict--a conflict I have a personal interest in." She narrowed her gaze at him, and Hakor had to wonder how she would look when he finally took her as his own. If he could just get her out from under Amerys's protective wing. She pointed a handgun at the screen. "If I see you in person, I will not hesitate to shoot. Back off, or Amerys will take us both to the stars with him."
"Ah, Samira, how lovely to see you," he purred, giving her a seductive grin. A moment later, her words registered. Both of them were on the ship. He glanced towards Inarus who nodded to him. They were finally leaving the upper atmosphere and entering space. He turned back, grinning wildly. "Is your brother there? I'd like to speak to him... about his little friends." He gestured discretely to Inarus, and the other man quickly sent over the video file he'd been holding onto. It began to play on the screen; a four-second loop of the two human's frightened, gagged faces. "Doesn't he want to save them?"
"You bastard," Samira hissed, and leaned forwards over Amery's shoulder. "We will not surrender, not even for a pair of Earthlings."
Hakor shrugged. "Very well, then," he said, inspecting his fingernails. "Your loss." And he signalled for Inarus to cut the connection. The screen faded back into a window, and Hakor watched as the shuttle dodged the volley of pale-blue shots they fired at them. He scowled, but let them go. He didn't want to kill them. He needed them alive. The Assurdayan needed them alive. Oh, how he wished he could just take them and get it over and done with already. But no, Amerys just had to lead him on a merry chase across the universe.
"Shall we persue them, sir?" Orian asked, startling him out of his reverie. He glanced down at the man and shook his head.
"Let them go. We know where they're headed. We'll cut them off before they get there." He turned on his heel and strode to the doorway, glancing back. "Alert the Assurdayan. Tell them he's bringing them home."
"Yessir."
Hakor stalked out into the hall and down to the galley, sparing the two humans a glance. He ordered Hanina to lock the pair up in the brig and moved on, heading for his own cabin. It wouldn't be long now before he had them. He grinned, thinking of the plans he would set into motion once he got hold of the Kavian twins. It would be glorious.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Interesting chapter. I like how we've gotten a chance to see into Hakor's mind. Despite his tyrannical ways, he seems to have his own reason for fighting, and is not killing just for killing's sake. In war as well as many other conflicts, each side thinks it is right. He also seems smart enough to be afraid--a trait I like in a villain. Overconfidence begets carelessness, after all.
See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.
On to the next chapter.
Oooh, ex-prince. Cool. Amerys just got even more interesting.
I usually use a rating system, giving grades to various parts of the writing. Let me tell you now, I grade harshly, but when I give a compliment expect me to be completely and totally serious.
Overall: B+
Everything you did in this chapter came together in a solid representation of what a writer should strive for. However, there were a few stumbles, and a few not-so-solid moments, which I noticed and will explain in detail below. Keep in mind that this is just about the grade that I give most published fiction, at least on a prosaic and minute-by-minute level.
Pacing: B+
Well done, with the action scenes flowing into the slower scenes quite well, though it was a little bumpy when you transitioned to direct, outside-the-ship action, which is why this is not an A or higher. When you're transitioning from one place--inside the ship--to another place--outside the ship--you have to make this clear. This is one instance where filtering--the use of "he saw" or "he looked" before an action-heavy sentence will be useful. Not because it's prosaically the best choice, but because you're tipping the reader off that the scene is changing and now they're supposed to imagine what's happening on the outside of the ship.
Characterization: B+
Some good moments, offset by some bland exchanges that have little to no flavor in them. When your characters are expositing--which in this case is expanded to include using dialog to advance the plot in any way--they should have some sort of affect that tells who they are, and what they're doing, and gives insight into their motivation. You do this somewhat, and I loved the moments where it happened, but most of the dialog reads like a script. Add some motion. Have your characters slam their fist down, push buttons, do things in the middle of their talk.
That's about all the important information I have to give, there are other categories that I generally rate on, but if I don't have much to say on the subject, I leave them out, and you can assume that they'll be rated about the same as the rest. I think you're a good writer, and you may have a future ahead of you if you keep practicing.
Hi there Scarlett,
This is really well-done, but I have just a few things I would change and then some plot notes, as usual. Remember that these are all OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS, and NONE of them need to be implemented if you don't think they're useful with that said, my grammar nitpicks and then some plot notes:
1) "Both men turned to look at him." I would make 'him' more specific, since we now know of three possible 'hims' in the shuttle.
2) "Hakor chuckled and tilted his head." I would include WHY he tilted his head (i.e. if it was in a mocking way, a sarcastic question, etc.)
3) "You are a traitor and you will give me what my planet demands, in accordance with the treaty!" There should be a comma after 'traitor'
4) "A treaty that does not exist, Hakor!" the other Anshari spat in a low hiss. "Anshar has no claim to them, or to Kavia or any of its resources. What you're doing is tantamount to invasion! And it is not your planet, Hakor. It's mine; I will not give up my claim to the Ansharian throne--a throne my cousin holds in my stead, depsite your interference!"" There are too many italics in this paragraph, so your italicizing is starting to lose its much-needed emphasis
5) ""Shall we persue them, sir?" I think you mean pursue
PLOT NOTES:
~ Great job on making this understandable but interesting. That was well done.
~ Again, italics were overused throughout this chapter.
~ I'm a little confused on WHERE everyone was, though that may have just been because I didn't read the first few chapters.
~ I would suggest giving more explaination to the Earthlings/Humans part in this. In one section they seem to be something that would be desired, but they're given little value
~ Will definitely keep reading this series, this is well written and a good and intriguing plot.
Best wishes,
MJ