Equivalent Worlds - Chapter One

So far, I like Seth. Grumpy, meticulous, and pessimistic. Again, you've gotten a lot better at establishing a rich cast. You've also gotten better at leaving a hook; having Seth's keys getting nabbed by some mysterious elderly man. I have a feeling that losing his keys was not coincidence.

See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

Seth stared down at the bar sullenly. His boss had just fired him, and he had no idea why. When he'd asked, his boss has given /*gave*/ him the bullshit line about poor customer service. He didn't believe it for a second. He'd always made sure the people he served were happy. Man, he'd loved that job. Serving customers, waiting on them, rushing around. All over some asshole getting prissy about how he and Alec handled themselves.

"You want another?" The bartender’s voice brought his head up slightly. Seth nodded and watched from under his lashes as the bartender, a pretty (confusing modifier. What exactly do you mean by "pretty"? Pretty as in "very", or as in good-looking? If the former, change "pretty" to "fairly". If the latter, cut "pretty" and replace "young man" with "pretty boy") dark-skinned young man, poured him another drink. (some of your quotes/apostrophes have mismatched formatting. I would recommend rectifying that so you have a consistent formatting. If you're using Microsoft Word, an easy way to do this is to use the "Replace" tool)

At least Alec had managed to keep his job. In the meantime, what the hell was he supposed to do? He had a good reference, yes, but that might not mean anything if no one was willing to hire him. Seth rubbed a hand over his face, frowning. He was going to have to start job hunting, (change comma to period, capitalise "again". Though not grammatically correct, it gives it power.) again. And who knew how long it'd be before he found another job.

Someone slid onto the stool next to him. Seth barely glanced up, taking a sip from his drink as the stranger got settled and ordered themselves a drink. With a sigh, Seth pushed off the stool and tossed a twenty onto the bar. The pretty (I guess the latter) bartender glanced his way and nodded. Seth nodded back, then turned to walk away only to be stopped by the stranger on the stool next to his (insert comma) grabbing his arm.

"You don't happen to know where I can find a Mr. Pearce, do you?" the /*The*/ (whenever the dialogue ends with a question mark or exclamation point, I would recommend capitalising the next word.) (EDIT WITHDRAWED)stranger asked, raising one thin, near-white eyebrow. Seth frowned at him, then looked the man up and down. He seems a little old for dreadlocks, though he did look good for his age. "No?"

"I don't know anyone by that name," Seth snapped, tugging his arm out of the man's grip. Dark eyes narrowed at him, the heavily tanned skin crinkling near /*the eyes and mouth*/ (too damn wordy. Try to be more concise) at the corner of the man's eyes and around his mouth. "Sorry, but I gotta get home."

Should've known he'd be a creep, he though /*thought*/ with a scowl as he pushed through the doorway and out onto the street. He glanced about for a moment, then dug into his pocket for his phone. Seth squinted down at the phone, checking the time. 11:57pm. He should probably head home, before his housemates got too worried about him.

Seth sent off a quick text to Alec, letting him know that Seth /*he*/ (try to avoid using the set character's name repeatedly and unnecessarily, especially if he/she is the only person around. Since we already know whom the person is, "he" or "she" is usually more fluid) was headed home and might take a while to find--or call--a taxi. He snorted when the reply he got was a simple 'k'. Seth /*He*/ shook his head, and turned to move out of the way. He cast a look about for a nearby waiting taxi, then sighed when he didn't see on /*one*/ and decided to call for one. /*. When he didn't see one, he sighed and pulled out his phone.*/

It took twenty minutes for the taxi to get there. When it did, he hoped /*hopped*/ in and /*told the driver where to let him off*/ let the driver know where he was meant to drop him off. The driver was silent the rest for the rest of the drip /*trip*/ home, leaving Seth to stare /*blankly at the city centre lights, and Christmas lights in the suburbs people hadn't bothered to take down earlier in the year*/ (we all know cars have windows. That said, for a car scene, "out the window" is a redundant phrase. Also, lessen up on the adjectives.)out the window blankly at the pretty city centre lights, and then, in the suburbs, the odd christmas lights that people hadn't bothered to take down earlier on in the year.

His mind circled back to jobs and job searching again. If he was out of work for too long, he wasn't going to be able to afford a lot of things. Like food or rent or his damned bike. He sighed, dragging his gaze back to the meter and winced. He didn;t (change semicolon to apostrophe) have enough cash on hand to cover the entire trip home.

"Stop here," Seth /*he*/ said, leaning forwards and startling the driver. He got the man to pull over. It was only a couple blocks walk home from where they'd stopped. "I'll walk from here, thanks."

Seth /*He*/ slid his phone out of his pocket and then dug for his keys. He frowned when he came up empty. He'd had his keys... When did he have them last? He was certain he had them when he'd left work after getting fired. That had been at around seven, so he'd definitely had them when he'd entered the bar. What about when he'd left? He patted his pockets again. Phone. Wallet. Seth's /*His*/ frown deepened. No keys.

"What the hell?" he muttered, then remembered the stranger in the bar. Had the seedy old man nicked his keys? Did he leave them on the bar? Seth /*He*/ wasn't sure.

"Mmh," (not sure if the "h" was intentional or not. Regardless, I would recommend changing it to a third "m") Seth hummed, opening the fridge and shuffling a few things around. "I'm starving. Is there any food?" He pulled his nose out of it long enough to give Alec a pleading look. Alec shrugged.

With that, he swung the fridge door closed and stalked out into the hall, heading down to his bedroom as /*at*/ the back of the house. He called over his shoulder; (change semicolon to period) "Might want to consider getting the locks changed! Especially if the creep has them! He was way sus, man."

Seth pushed into his room and kicked off his shoes before dumping his phone and wallet on his bedside table and collapsing onto the bed fully clothed. He was asleep before his head hit the /*pillow*/ people. They'd both had a long day--and an even longer night for Seth. Hopefully, it would be better tomorrow. Then again, maybe not.

You've got such good characterization going on. Except I was confused by this.

Man, he'd loved that job. Serving customers, waiting on them, rushing around.

Hello, ScarlettFire. Steam1244 here to review! I have to say this piece is perfect! I'm going to have to agree with RoseTulipLily on staring down at the bar. I say that it probably should be glared down at the bar, but whatever works for you. I love how you ended the piece of art! You pulled me in, you make me want to read the next chapter just by saying "Then again, maybe not". I can tell you right now, I was laughing very hard at the "old chinese" statement. Please take no offense to that, it was just funny to me. Well, that is all I have to say... so goodbye!

Hello!
So this was absolutely wonderful. It's almost flawless. I feel like I understand the characters enough, the setting, and everything is presented really well. I only have a few critiques, but they are super nitpicky and really don't mean anything...

"I don't know anyone by that name," Seth snapped, tugging his arm out of the man's grip.
I feel like it's been too long for Seth to snap, if that makes sense. He's already spent time looking at the man, and (this is probably just me) snaps are usually straight away? But it's fine, I'm just being fussy

That was sure to amuse the other young man to no end.
I think saying "the other young man" isn't really necessary — of anything, it takes away from the story. We already know who Alec is, so you can just refer to him by name. Or, just use "he" or "him" depending on the context.

"I'll take it into consideration, Seth!"
This is kinda an awkward line, just because of the way Alec refers to Seth by name. It's only the two of them, so I feel like it's unnecessary, especially as we already know who is talking.

One more thing is that the ending seems kinda cliché. Instead of a reflection on the day, maybe just end with Seth falling asleep. But that's it. Overall it's brilliant, I really loved this! Can't wait to read more!

'Seth stared down at the bar sullenly.' I cannot help but feel like it might be better to say 'Seth glared down at the bar.' as 'staring sullenly' is pretty much the same thing as "glaring" just a suggestion.

"You want another?" The bartender’s voice brought his head up slightly.' The word "slightly" seems unnecessarily extra here.

'And who knew how long it'd be before he found another job.' Replace the period at the end with a question mark.

'He seems a little old for dreadlocks, though he did look good for his age.' The word 'seems' contradicts the past tense used in the rest of the story, so change it to 'seemed'.

I have other criticism. I really felt sorry for Seth and felt his vexation. Keep writing

The flow of words is of industry standard, it's impressive. The sentences are varied in length structure and composition, gluing the reader to the page. This is all vapid though, and unhelpful, so here goes my best attempt at a critique. My main qualm is the dialogue, it reads sort of like a sitcom dialogue, and this isn't to insult you but to say it can be at times unrealistic. This is somewhat redeemed by your more colloquial terminology like "nah" which definetely makes them seem less robotic than if they said "no". In general their terminology is fine. The dialogue's highlight is definetely the section about the week old Chinese food, very believable and true to life. The dialogue has problems when describing the old man, that piece of dialogue seems a bit run on and I think could be improved by breaking it up with Alec asking how exactly he was a creep instead of it being described all at once. I also know most people would have a few more questions and concerns about this, I would ask my friend/room-mate/partner? how they were so sure they were robbed, and probably consider contacting the police if I suspected our house keys had been stolen. One more compliment, I really like their bodily gestures, tapping his phone against his chin for example. These add a lot of realism and depth to their dialogue. My concern here is that theres a precedent for people to overuse them, so use them sparingly like you did here. I also like the subtle foreshadowing, having mentioned that he not only closed, but also locked the door. A lock implies an unlocker amirite. Anyway, I hope this was mildly helpful in some way. Good start, I'll review the next chapter later (or tomorrow)

This story seems to have a lot of filler words, consider editing them out. Another thing is you should consider taking out lines like the last one. They feel cliche and awkward, try enhancing a sense of urgency to make them your own. You repeat seedy to describe the old man who we had no real connection to in the first place, three times. Try using a couple different words to describe him. I feel like this story has no emotional connection, you have to mean every word you write. Make us care about these characters, you don't give us a real reason to care about these characters at all. You could also put more drama into the scene with the old man. Up the anti, more drama, exaggeration is something that's important to stories. Everything is supposed to build tension, even the smallest details.

Wow this is really good. I especially like the ending because I really want to know what his next few days hold. As for the rest of the story, it was very good but there are a few typos and grammar mistakes I want to point out.

"When he'd asked, his boss has given him the bullshit line about poor costumer service." You might want to change has to had.

"Seth nodded and watched from under his lashes as the bartender, a pretty dark-skinned young man, poured him another drink." The pretty dark-skinned part confused me. It wasn't until later that I realized pretty was also describing the bartender separately. I thought you meant like pretty dark-skinned as in fairly dark-skinned. Maybe add something there to make it more distinct.

"And who knew how long it'd be before he found another job." Personally, I never like to start my sentences with and. I feel as though it takes away from the rest of the sentence grammatically so maybe you should combine that one with the sentence before with a comma.

You do mention Seth's name a lot, so when it is clear who you are talking about I feel like you should change it up to say he a little more.

"Seth sent off a quick text to Alec, letting him know that Seth was headed home..." Im not sure why you repeated Seth but I think you meant he with the second one.

"...then sighed when he didn't see on and decided to call for one." I think you meant when he didn't see one and maybe you could leave it at decided to call.

"The driver was silent the rest for the rest of the drip home," You repeated here so maybe watch out and take one of the two out. Also I'm pretty sure you meant trip instead of drip.

"He didn't;t have enough cash..." The semicolon should be an apostrophe, so there is a small typo.

Besides that, you did an amazing job. Keep writing

I hope this review was helpful.