Quick note: This story is a complete twist on World War 2, and before you tell me that all the facts are false, I would like to say they are meant to be false. Everything has been twisted, in every way I could think of.
Chapter 1:
Meet Albert and his Mom. Albert is a 10 year old boy, with light brown curly hair. He is tall for his age, about 4'6. Ma, as Albert says, is 42 years old, she also has light brown hair, but hers is long and curly. She is about 5'6. Albert's Pa died 2 months ago in a bombing raid. Right now they are on a train, they have absolutely no clue where they are going, they where told to get on the train, and they would be brought to the safest place possible. Hitler and his army are slowly but surely taking over Britain. Albert and Ma have to find their family, and fast.
“Ma wake up!” said Albert excitingly. “What is it” said Ma, half asleep. “Look! Its a plane” shouted Albert. “Quiet down!” whispered Ma. The man sitting across from them woke up. He asked what plane. Albert pointed to it, and the man across from them shouted GET DOWN! It was a German Spitfire. The. re was also some British Fockewulf's and Me262A's. The Fockewulf's are being destoryed by the Spitfire's. But our Me262's are intercepting the Spitfire's.
“Ma, I'm scared” “It's ok Albert, we are safe, there is a tunnel up ahead” “What will the tunnel do, Ma?” asked Albert. “We can't be bombed under there, it's protected” said Ma reassuringly. “Yes, your Ma is right” said the old man across from them. “How long is this tunnel, do you know?” asked Ma to the old man. “I'm not sure, I'd say 2-3 minutes under there, I'm pretty sure it's a long tunnel”.
A couple minutes later, just as they entered the tunnel, the breaks screeched.
“Ma, what the heck is happening?” “I don't know, Albert.” The man across from them answered, “The engineer has stopped the rain” “Why?” asked Albert. “It's safer in here, we can't be out in the open, they will fire at us, most likely.”
As the train stopped, it got darker and darker. Then it was pitch black.
“They need to bring in candles or something” said Ma, nervously. “I might have some matches” said the man. “That would be good” said Albert. “Ah, yes here they are”
The man took out the matches and tried to light it, it took two strikes to get it a flame. The man's face lit up, and the darkness was taken over by the light.
“Now, this match will only last a few minutes” “How many do you have?” asked Ma. “I have 5” “How long will we be in here” asked Albert. “I am not sure, hopefully not to long, maybe 1 hour or so” “But the matches can't last that long” said Ma nervously. “I will tell you a story, that should keep your mind occupied, so you don't think about the dark”
Then the match went out. The man began to tell the story.
Chapter 2: The Strangers Story
(To Be continued)
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hello!
First of all, kudos to you for writing in the historical fiction genre. It can be a tricky genre to work in and I think you managed it well!
Here's some things I noticed:
This bit is slightly awkward to read. I think you could use some more action in describing the plane attack, instead of just a sentence or two describing what the planes are doing. I also am not sure that most people much about these types of planes, so I would see if you can provide more description as to what these planes look like. Also, when you mention "our" Me262's, I would clarify who "we" are. You may want to replace the our with a more specific noun, such as "the Allies".
I believe Steggy commented on this, but I would be careful with putting numerals in writing, such as 10 or 42. As a reader, it can be rather jarring to suddenly come across numerals. Instead, try "ten" and "forty-two"
Some final notes:
--I enjoyed the characterization you had in you character dialogue. I felt a sense of who Albert and Ma were, solely on their conversation!
--I thought that the part with the matches was especially clever, a neat way to create a little more suspense even after our characters have reached "safety"!
--I really liked the premise you set up with this story. I think it will be interesting to see where it goes. Let me know if you upload any more chapters and I'll check them out!
Happy writing!
Hello!
When I was reading the beginning of this, it seemed straightforward description of the character within your story. In some cases, this is good cause towards perhaps enhancing the reader's imagination but however, sometimes you have to think when enough info is enough info. In other words, your beginning seems a bit like an info dump. As a suggestion, perhaps think before you write. If you want to describe a certain character, just give the reader their personal outline (ex: hair, eye, or skin color) then later on in the novel or story, give off their personality (ex: happy-go-lucky, angry, or stable). Maybe their appearance will change throughout the story; info dumping isn't necessary a good thing. Sometimes, it can just be boring and whatnot. If you want to make a good info dumping beginning, as I said befor, focus on the minor details. Those details might spark something big within the reader's mind.
Even though it is nice to know about what Albert's mother looks like, I don't think you should go indepth with it (unless she soon becomes the main character at some point during the short story). I feel you suddenly add the bit about his father dying. As I stated before (and probably will throughout this review), think before you write. Plan out a simple way of making Albert's father's death a slow one; give the reader the info during some sad flashback or something. It is like holding a banana too hard and it just pops. It bends, folds, and then spills it's insides onto the person's hand.
If the Albert and his mother are on the train, why don't they know where they are going? It could be since during this time people didn't want the other people to worry about where they were going. Still, it bothers me. I feel like they should know at least where or in what direction they might be going.
The bit with the planes seems also rushed. It should have a sense of action. When writing action, try to think of yourself in that situation; how would you react to having planes overhead? Or, perhaps how would you describe the planes (since description is key when writing action scenes!)
When writing dialogue, if another character speaks (besides the main character), you should definitely make it into a separate line. An example:
You get the drift. Another thing I like to point out is giving your characters their own voice. Like, giving the reader a gateway into thinking how the people might talk. You might know how they talk in your head, but for all we know the boy could sound like a person with braces or the old man might need a hearing aid. The possibilities are endless. Also, don't forget proper punctuation when ending dialogue.
Numbers in a sentences can be jotting. Perhaps a suggestion would be to just write out the word form of the number (ex: 4 = four, 24 = twenty four).
The ending falls abruptly. As I said for the father's death being mention, ease it on. It is almost like riding a bike on a forbidden path and suddenly, there is a cliff.
Overall, this story could use some work. However, in the end, I believe it might be well done and thought through.
Steggy
Thanks for the review Steggy. Now as I read over it, I do see maybe I added to much information. I am trying to get myself to write the number (twenty six) instead of 26. As I said, Thanks
I see a minor error I made it says "was a German Spitfire. The. re was..." It is meant to be: "was a German Spitfire. There was..."