The Worm Hole To The Future

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm, so I really think the title is pretty cool, and from the tiny hints here and there, it sounds like its going to live up to that title somewhere down the line at least, but as far as first chapters, this one does fall a bit short in quite a few places.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Albert Shinack is a 14 year old average teenager. He hates school, and loves to play his xbox all day. He has brown, scruffy hair, and he has pale white skin. He is not skinny, or fat, but he also isn't strong. He thinks he lives the average teenage life, but what he doesn't know is there is some scary but exciting times ahead.

Hmm, okay I'm assuming this is some sort of synopsis to this here story....cause it doesn't appear to be too related to the rest of things, and I'm assuming that title before was just the title of this story itself. At any rate, as far as these things go, this is a pretty interesting one.

“Mom!”, shouted Albert. “What?” “Get me the batteries for my xbox controller, the double a ones” “Give me two mintues!” shouted his mom, from the kitchen table. “NO, I need them now” “Oh shut up you little brat!” “GET ME THE BATTERIES!”

OKay...that's a little bit of a shaky relationship there...maybe...well...at any rate a fun shouty start to a morning I see...and maybe a little bit of anger detected, I am not entirely sure when it comes to these things...at any rate, it does sound like it would be a pretty average day if that's how things begin.

This is an average day for Albert, pretty exciting eh? No, I didn't think so. But we have some “tweaking” to do before we can change his average day into a day of a lifetime. But this day, will feel like a life time to him.

OKayyy...soo I'm assuming this is somehow the narrator or some other kind of character talking to us here, cause okay...that felt like a bit of a quick POV shift there, you might wanna be a bit more careful as far as those are concerned because they can become really confusing, really quickly.

“Ay Albert, did you bring Call Of Duty?” shouted Albert's friend Timmy. “Of course I did, I brought Black Ops 3 as well, not that crappy Advanced Warfare” said Albert, almost mocking his friend. “Good, because we need to rank up our fricking accounts” said Timmy in relief.

Well that is certainly the typical thing you expect to see in the average day of someone in their teens, hmm, well at any rate, this is a decent piece of dialogue, although I feel like maybe you want to start with these two saying hello and a little bit of description of their surrounding cause at the moment, they may as well be standing in the void, cause there is literally no description of where they are, and just anything in general. You need a little something in a story for the reader to be able to imagine what is going on.

“Oh boiiis!” said Albert in a odd voice. “What the heck!?” shouted Timmy in annoyance. “What?” “HOW ARE YOU BEATING ME” shouted Timmy. “Ha, I don't know bro” said Albert sarcastically. “You know what I quit, lets play something else” said Timmy with a very very angry voice, he was obviously pissed. “Wow ok bro, but its just a game” said Albert, trying to relax Timmy. “Ya, whatever”

Okayy...first of all the dialogue is quite typical, although I think I may have to lower the estimations of their ages a tiny bit more considering how this is going along, but hmm..its not too far out of the realm of possibility for 14 year olds. The...dialogue however, does need to be in separate paragraphs, usually when its someone different speaking you always start a new paragraph rather than writing the whole thing into a giant chunk...soo...you might wanna look into that, also this is a bit of an abrupt cut off here, there's is a sort of hook there with what the narrator fellow said, but...uhh other than that the ending of this chapter here promises nothing, and it really doesn't feel like an ending sadly.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think I might have continued reading here, there's enough promise of exciting things but judging from only this chapter, its looking a little doubtful, this one need a lot of ironing out, with a couple more things being added to that end there before it can truly be effective as a first chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey there OmgRonan. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

1. First off, welcome to YWS! It's your first day and you've already got some big accomplishments under your belt. I mean first star, first published work, and plans for a novel took me a couple of weeks. One last thing, did you make a "I'm New" post? They are extremely helpful for getting to know people and I should have posted mine as soon as I got here. Learn from my mistakes. Now let's talk about the actual chapter. You see there is this sort of standard for chapter lengths and yours falls a bit short. I believe the recommended size on YWS is around 2,000 words so that the reader has enough but not too much information. Even for a first draft of a first chapter, this is really rough and really short. It's going to need a lot of TLC to make it all the way to the end of its journey.

2. Second, I was intrigued to find another science fiction/fantasy writer and surprised to find that your story may end up somewhat similar to mine. Not that it matters just it's the perfect time for me to use this phrase. Great minds think alike. From the scene you have set so far the projection shows no difference from many of today's novels. I know because it took me a long time to make my writing unique and my characters' abilities. You need to create some feature for your main character that is going to set him apart from everybody else.

3. Both the grammar/spelling/typos and dialogue category are going to need a lot of work in this piece but let's just stick to the dialogue for now.
Okay I'm starting on the first set of speech and it is just a couple of very simple fixes that you need here.

“Mom!”, shouted Albert.
“What?”
“Get me the batteries for my x-box controller, the double A ones.”
“Give me two minutes!” shouted his mom, from the kitchen table.
“No, I need them now.”
“Oh shut up you little brat!”
“Get me the batteries!”

I have noted the changes I made in red but I'll list them down here anyways.
-I think a hyphen is needed in between x and box. I may be wrong.
-A for double a needs to be a capital.
-Minutes was spelled wrong.
-Never use all caps. Use bold, color, or italicize instead. No one wants a character to be shouting two different ways.
-I did the same thing to the last line.
What I have done to this one set needs to be implemented on every set throughout the chapter. The dialogue is all twisted and needs some serious help. Dialogue is not my specialty but there is probably someone in the review forum who focuses on dialogue.

4. Grammar isn't really my speciality other but here goes my best shot. Most everything I saw relating to grammar/spelling/typos was what I would consider typos or dialogue related. I already informed you of the need to fix your dialogue. What I would also remove from your story is all of the slang/text talk. That may be the way normal teenagers talk but it doesn't look pretty in literary piece. Consider that when you revise and write your next chapter.

5. Once again welcome to YWS. This may have been a quick review but I was reviewing a quick chapter. If you have any question about this review or anything else just PM me. This is all I have for this review so I must bid you a good day.
Good day.
-lizzy