+Kannan+
There
are always memories that stand out like a diamond amidst a sea of
zircons. There are also memories that fades and blurs and become
distant faces, things only to be recalled in times of their need.
For
me, it was not a memory. But rather, the absence of one. Somewhere
in that myriad of memories, Jimmy had learnt to ride his bike without
me. I didn’t know why that was so important, it was a small
thing but it caught hold onto my heart like a hungry leech.
Why
wasn’t I there for something as important as that, I should
have been the one that taught him. No one else. In the back of my
mind, a small voice told me I knew the answer.
+++
“Arian.
Arian. Are you listening?” Jimmy’s voice jolted me back
to the present, I looked down at his brown eyes and the nearby
discarded bike.
Of
course, in here it was different. Here, they could reconstruct
anything and everything. With a price
that’s far too high. The voice in
the back of my head nagged again, I brushed it aside and knelt down
beside Jimmy. “C’mon, give it another try, I know you can
do it.”
He
pulled on the strap of his helmet sullenly before flinging himself
into my lap, “it’s hard Arian. And I don’t get it,
it just wobbles like that old rocky chair dad sits on all the time.
It’s stupid.”
He huffed out and kicked at a tuft of grass angrily.
I
bit back a small laugh and ruffled his hair, “Jimmy you’ve
hardly tried it at all, what if I dared you to ride down the hill.
And if you can do it, I’ll let you play with the skyhover.”
His
face lit up as he eyed the bike again with renewed interest, “you
really will let me?”
I
laughed and pushed him towards the bike, “only if you can ride
down the hill.” It was the way I had learnt how to ride the
bike, Dad had pushed me down the hill and as the wind whipped its
fearsome melody by my heart I somehow found the rhythm amidst all the
terror. Besides, this hill was nothing compared to the one he pushed
me down on.
Jimmy
had straightened the bike up and pushed it to the edge of the hill,
his eyes surveyed the hill tentatively before he sat on the bike and
pushed on the pedal.
I
stood up and started to jog towards the hill – just as my body
shuddered and dropped to the ground and felt my bones shattered into
a billion fragments brimming with pain. I gasped soundlessly and sat
up in the chair, the world whirled in a dizzying splash of whites and
greys before settling in the familiar white-washed walls and metallic
furniture. I realized with a sense of dread of my location; reality,
what a pleasure to be back.
“Pay
up, Kannan.” A familiar pair of eyes pierced my own as they
slammed their hands down on either side of me. “And don’t
think you can get out of it this time, you won’t be leaving
here until you’ve paid us.”
“It’s
nice to see you too, Razi. I know that I’m good looking and
charming but could you please step back, just so that I can view your
beautiful face in all its glory and not just a single part?”
I
tried to ignore hostility as she pulled away, mouth set in a straight
line. “Flattery will get you nowhere.”
“I
wasn’t trying to flatter you.” I muttered under my
breath, fully intending for her to hear it. Her anger boiled beneath
her skin, I felt its steaming rising from the pores of her body
barely contained. “Alright, look here Razi. Let’s make a
deal here.”
“No.”
She said. “You said that for the last five times and we haven’t
seen a ghost of the so called ‘deal’ you’ve made.”
She made no attempt to conceal her disdain and contempt as she
crossed her arms over her chest. “You either pay us in cash or
in memory, your choice.”
I
looked around the room, taking in its sterile walls, white lights and
the meticulous machines that crooned a soft melody to the passing of
time. “This place doesn't seem like a bad place to live.”
“Kannan,”
she said slowly, “you will either paid us in cash or in memory.
Or there will be one less person living in your apartment when you
return tonight.”
Sudden
fear gripped my heart and pumped its blackness into my veins,
paralyzing my thoughts. My body wanted to fight, my muscles had
automatically coiled into tight strings and my feet tinged with the
temptation of escape. But Go was too great a risk, I had owed her too
much and I had paid back none to her.
“Ok.
Walk me through the selection of memory again.” I sighed, and
wondered what tempted me to visit this cursed place again. For
Jimmy, of course. You can’t stay away from the pull, can you.
“Stalling
are we?” Razi’s voice was as sweet as cream now, a
fleeting smile played at the edge of her lips. “Memory
selection is done at random for the permanent removal of a patient’s
memory which is then wiped and added to our database for future
patients. The memory chosen could be any memory from the conscious,
subconscious and unconscious. Happy now?”
“Of
course, Razi.” I smiled at her and wondered how nice it would
be to kick her face until it resembled the colour of a fly’s
body. One can dream. “Just get it over and done with.”
“Lie
down then, and don’t move.” Razi warned as I shut my eyes
as if that alone could ward off what was coming, I heard the familiar
beep of buttons and the automated voice asking for confirmation of
the program. I hated the process and I hated every minute of it, it
was an intrusion that was far more intimate than anything I’ve
experienced. It was more intimate than a relationship between a
newborn baby and their mother, every fear, every memory that
constructs the being is you is being violated by something foreign to
you. Unknown. And before you can grasp it-
it’s
gone.
“Have
a nice trip home, Kannan.” Razi smiled at me as she left the
room, carrying the small datachip between her fingertips. The
metallic strips on it caught light and winked at me mockingly as both
of them disappeared from my sight.
So
I left the room and The Clinic, trying to ignore the aching loss in
my heart that only seemed to grow with every step I took.
What did they take away from me?
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