The literature book swayed in front of my eyes, phases of ancient Chinese poetry blurring into black lines. I moaned out incoherently and rested my cheek against the cool desk.
“Oi! Incoming!” Liqui hissed and nudged me sharply in the sides. I straightened the book and joined in with the rest of the class chant.
“Ni zao shi ya? ” Liqui hissed angrily, sending me a reproachful glance as she heard the grumble of my stomach.
“Mei shi la.” I reassured her, “wo you zao can.” I patted the bulge of my school bag in response but accepted the packaged biscuit she secretly passed.
“So. Early shift again?” Liqui's thin lips twitched in exasperated amusement during the ten minute break as I stuffed everything down.
“Yeah. They said they would pay me extra if I went on Mondays.” I took a swallow from my drink bottle and washed the rest of my breakfast down in one gulp.
“I got something for your mum. And no, it's not money so you can't refuse it.” Liqui ignored my scathing look and pulled out a stack of books from her bag.
“Are those-” I trailed off uncertainly, eyes glued to the titles of the books. Even as I absorbed the names, I felt my lips morphing into a smile.
“I know your mother wants them, so here.” Liqui shoved the books rather brutally into my ribcage. She ducked her head shyly as I grinned in gratitude. Before my stomach let out an embarrassing display of complaints.
“I think you better go take care of that.” Liqui said, barely concealing her laughter as I rushed off.
“Ugh.” I groaned as the bathroom door slammed shut behind me, my stomach sore and deflated after god knows how many minutes in there. I glanced down at my watch, five more minutes till the next class, would I have time to take my medicine without Liqui suspecting? I started violently at the footsteps behind me, coming face to face with a brown-haired boy, his bright blue eyes met mine with a staggering clarity.
It was as if a wave had smashed the shores of my consciousness, sucking away all my most intimate thoughts and fears and left nothing but the dry, sandy grains of nothingness.
He was obviously not a student, clearly not Chinese and not responding to my greetings. Maybe he came from other European countries? But what was he doing here in our school; the boy was tilting his head up his lips moved inaudibly. Blue eyes crinkled in delight, I took a tentative step toward him before someone yanked on the sleeve of my shirt hard enough to tear the seams apart.
“Were you giving birth in there?” Liqui's hissed between breaths as we ran back to class. “I thought you drowned in there.”
“Sorry. Took longer than expected.” I puffed out an apology as we slid into our seats seconds before Mr.Short came in. English was a disaster for me, apart from the fact that we were studying the past continuous form. I didn't register a single word; the boy with blue eyes effectively stole all my attention. It was obvious Liqui didn't see the boy; she was the type who rushed into gathering crowds to see what happened. Which meant I was the only one seeing the boy. And he didn't seem to hear me either. Was I starting to hallucinate? Pressing a fingertip to my eyes, I massaged the eyelids and opened them with a groan.
“You alright?” Liqui asked. Glancing away from the novel she had hidden inside the textbook.
“Hm. Yeah. Just tired.” I replied back absently, unable to pull my mind away from the boy.
“Miss Ning.” I froze at Mr.Short's characteristic baritone by my desk. His eyes regarded mine solemnly. My mind blanked out as to why he called on me. “There is a call for you, please go down to the office.”
He might as well have shot me then. There were only a few reasons when students were called down for calls. Either someone was dying or someone has already died. Back in primary school, parents used to call in for trivial reasons but this was high school now. Liqui squeezed my hand reassuringly as I got out of the seat. Aware of the sound my sneakers made against the tiled floor, falling in a strange juxtaposition with my heartbeats carrying me down to the office.
“Ting Ning?” The receptionist snapped, her elbow popped as she withdrew her arm from the phone.
“Wei?” I asked.
“Is this Ms Ting Ziwei's daughter?” It was a nurse by her sugary, professional tone. My breathing hitched and I must have been silent for too long because nurse prompted again.
“Yes.” I mumbled, wishing to God I was not.
“Your mother....” she suddenly paused and my heart synchronized, “had a relapse. However, she is stable now and wishes to see you immediately. ”
“Oh.” My sigh shattered into relief. “I will be there as soon as I can.”
Sending a quick prayer Guangxinpusha, I rushed back to grab my bag before rushing out the school gate. A wave of sweltering heat slammed into me as I stepped onto the street, momentarily blinding my senses. In that haze of confusion, the boy appeared before my eyes again. Brown hair, blue eyes. He was headed for the bus stop, agilely waving through the crowd like a skilled sailor on sea.
I stumbled after him blindly, determined to catch him. Before a shrilling horn and a string of profanities were thrown in my way, startling me into reality. Stepping swiftly onto the curb, I scanned the crowd for the boy and discovered he had gone as he had come.
Who was he? Or was I hallucinating? When yet another wave of nausea knocked me backwards, so sudden and swift that it left me winded, curling into a ball on the ground. I felt as if someone had sliced open my stomach and poured chili on it. A pained groan escaped lips as I dropped to the cement pathway, curling inwards in a futile attempt to soothe the pain.
“Miss?” I felt a hand on my shoulder, strong and persistent as the hand helped me up. I followed the hand up a sleeve, a shoulder and finally the concerned face of a young businessman. “Ni mei shi ba?” He asked.
“I'm fine.” I croaked out an apology and thanks, a wave of vertigo washed over me and I stumbled, the ground rocky and bumpy underneath my feet.
"Miss?" The man held me up by the shoulders; he had a clean-shaven face though that image was distorted through my vision. His glasses wavered as he peered into my eyes, the sunlight bounced off his watch and …. the building in front of me rippled and its colour and texture wavered into transparent glass window tinged with amorphous whirls of neon lights.
'The bus stop.' Somewhere, in the back of my mind, a voice tugged on the strings of my consciousness. And I staggered out of the man's arms, rubbing my eyes in an attempt to clear my mind.
And that was when the ground turned into quicksand and swallowed me whole.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Timmy hereee
So I realized when you mentioned me in the next chapter that I hadn't reviewed this one. D: So here I am, finally going to go for it and get 'er done. Maybe I'll get to the next chapter by 2016. xD
One thing in particular I love, love love about your writing and this novel is the smooth transitions between English and Chinese, the characters running from language to language - whatever suits them. But, even when they're speaking the other language, I still understand what they're talking about, because you were good enough to put in actions to demonstrate their words. Perfect. <3 My favorite aspect of the piece, and it adds depth to both the book and the characters.
This should be separated and a question mark added to first half~
I admit before I continue onwards that this is a thing of mine. So if I seem like an idiot in this part, you can just skip it. Some people agree, but many disagree, too. ^.^
You have too many adverbs. They're everywhere - when there's an action - adverb. When there's a thought - adverb. They clutter up your writing like confetti, pretty but useless. In many places, the adverb could be erased and all would be well, the narration flowing into each other without a hitch or lack of anything. In others, I admit, something is necessary. But in most of those cases, it's not the need of an adverb, but more like the need of a stronger verb.
This is an example of a place where I think the narration does it all - no adverb necessary. Read it without, and the piece flows by seamlessly.
And I think this is an example of a place where it's like you wanted the adverb to make the sentence so much more, but wasn't enough to put the image across. This here is telling - I started violently. That supplies almost no image. Instead, you could have something that showed her action - what she did. Did she clench her fists and spin around? Look for something to grab in case she needed a weapon? Or she could start violently like people go into violent spasms. I mean, there are so so many different ways people could take that. It's too vague, and doesn't do your beautiful piece justice.
I won't say that adverbs aren't necessary (although in my 450+ page book, I may or may not only have about three), but almost always the combination of a verb and adverb isn't as good as a strong verb. An example: walked silently could be tiptoed or crept and it would supply just as strong of an image, if not better, but be shorter and tighter.
Things to think about. I will say most of the people I tell this to disagree, but I still don't shut up~
A nudge isn't sharp. Perhaps find a different verb? Jabbed me sharply, perhaps?
This part read disjointed to me, because the two sentences were apart in time, but not distanced apart in the narration. I didn't understand at first, stumbled over the sentence, and then came back to read it again in order to get what was going on. Maybe go over it again and ensure the time between the two sentences flows together?
The first was so perfect! So I don't think the second was necessary - at all. All it does is try to replace an already perfect image, and we don't need that. Also, this girl hisses wayyyyy too much. Look for synonyms.
... Is she talking to her or to someone else about her? This makes it seem like she's talking about her, but the following sentences disagree. >>
One thing I think you could do better throughout this is how special the boy is, and why she's doing so much to get to him. So far, the only thing that seems to make him special is that he's not Chinese and has very lovely blue eyes. Besides that, the only thing I could see unusual is that he wasn't a student. Give him something to make the reader more riveted to his character. I feel a bit intrigued, but mostly only because she is. Fill out his character more, give him more depth. I know it's hard, seeing that we haven't met him yet, but Ting sees something special in him. And I don't think all of what she sees is put to the page, because I don't see what's riveting about him.
Just build a bit on his character, that's all. c:
This was a very very... entrancing story. It sucked me in from the first sentence onward, and I think that's one of your many gifts. People can use perfect punctuation, amazing verbs, but there's something special about a writer who can just pull their reader in like reeling fish on a line. It's more than being immersed in the Chinese culture. We're immersed in Ting's life and her personality so much - it's perfect. I love how close we can grow to the characters in your writing. Keep writing this way <3
Hope this helped somewhat. Still working on getting back into reviewing~
~Darth Timmyjake
<3 Thank you so much, Timmy. Yeah, I do have a problem with adverbs I'll go back and re-edit this after this final exam. But thank you so much for reviewing this chapter
you're doing a way better job than me at catching up to reviewing.This story has turned into quicksand and swallowed me whole. Partially in a good way, and partially in a bad way.
The writing could use a little more variance in its diction. I was beginning to suspect Liqui was a snake, considering all the hissing she was doing. Further, are we in a high school urban environment, or are we on a boat in the ocean? Why are there so many waves all over the place? A wave smashing the shores of consciousness, a wave of sweltering heat, a wave of nausea, a wave of vertigo, the waving of the boy in the crowd... Waves are not a terribly interesting way to describe these events. Learn from Mr. Rothfuss, and learn to harness the metaphor and the simile. It's like gum: you chew the same one for a while, and then it gets tasteless and stale. So you change them up, discover new and interesting flavours, explore their interactions with one another.
On to the story itself. I'm not terribly convinced by the boy. If there was an invisible spectre of nausea popping up in my vicinity every now and then, I would not chase after it. Why does Ning do this? It's never explained. Why is she so casual about a ghost that apparently makes her sick? Why, twice over, is she doing this when her mother is apparently having a medical emergency? There should be a massive reason behind her actions, or at least the hint of a massive reason, but there is not.
Somewhat mirroring a criticism you yourself left in a recent review, I felt this story was quite disjointed, untethered. I'm not sure why the things that are happening, are happening. There also doesn't seem to be much over the horizon; the next chapter could have a giant space slug flopping in the middle of New York City, and I wouldn't bat an eye. The story does not need to follow sense because it hasn't established its own internal logic yet. I would not say this is a good thing.
On the other hand, in spite of everything I said above, the story was gripping to read, especially near the end. There's emotion and movement here, it just needs to be grounded in sense and logic -- even if it's sense and logic of the story's own invention, it needs to be there. A little brushing on writing, and you'll be left with an interesting, if slightly metaphysical, story.
Your wave,
cC
Words cannot express my gratitude.
Here's my promised review.
This part is really where the story starts to come together and feel like a story. I said in the last chapter that the main problem was I didn't feel grounded. Well, now I do, so good job with that. This is a really good introductory chapter, in my opinion.
I especially liked how you made it clear that Ning's life isn't perfectly sunny and happy. You show that she and her mother have health problems, but her problems don't dominate the chapter. That's what I didn't like as much about your other two chapters - you immediately jumped into the person's problems without giving us time to start to care about them.
In fact, as far as the order of your chapters go, I'd consider making this Chapter One. It nicely sets up what seems to be the only thing linking the characters together at the moment, which is that they all see people that aren't there/disappear. In your first couple chapters, though, it's really hard for readers to spot that thread when they have no idea what they are looking for or even that they are looking for anything. Especially in your first chapter, where it's so deeply in the narrator's head that it's practically impossible to tell what's real and what isn't.
However, if you start with this chapter, readers will be more likely to spot the similarities because of the already firm basis established.
Some stylistic stuff:
Isn't it traditional in China to say the family name first when stating someone's full name? If so, you don't appear to be using it, since the receptionist called her "Ning Ting" and her mother's name is "Ziwei Ting." It's okay if you decide not to do that, it just confused me at first.
I also don't think you make it very clear that the receptionist hands the phone to Ning - on first read I thought the nurse was in the room and the receptionist was just on the phone for some reason.
I was rather confused by this section. I think it was mostly just confusing because a couple of paragraphs ago, you said that her stomach was complaining because she was hungry, but then you said it was complaining again, so it took me a minute to realize that she was nauseous and went to throw up. Also, I'm not sure what Liqui's thinking when she hears Ning's stomach complaining - if she doesn't know that Ning is sick, and knows that Ning just ate, wouldn't she be confused more than anything? Perhaps you could make it so Liqui doesn't hear it at all and Ning just has to make a quick excuse.
One last thing - when you first describe the boy, he sounds an awful lot like a stereotypical love interest, especially since he's European in a Chinese culture and since he completely takes her breath away at first sight. It soon becomes obvious that it's not quite that simple, but it could still turn potential readers away. Maybe you could make the way she finds him captivating a bit different, because right now it just seems like she's crushing on him.
Anyway, I hope this helps. I really think this is where it starts to feel like a story, and it's a nice change.
For some reason. YWS didn't notify about this review. Thank you so much for this review. I'm really glad that things are starting to come together. You're pretty sharp, yes, the last name comes first but I was scared that the audience wouldn't know it. But that doesn't seem to be a problem so I fixed it.
Ahhh, I have to disagree on the boy. Yes, he is typical but he's nine years her junior and takes her breath away for a very different reason. But I definitely see where you're coming from so I'll on that.
Once again, thank you for taking your time to review this. <3
This was a nice story. I liked it. There is a lot of stories about Asia now... I like them. I have always enjoyed their cultures. This was a very interesting story. But to be honest, I thought the main character was a boy at first. And to go off of this, I think you should develop your characters a little more. I like that you show that the MC was hungry, because a lot of kids in China are. But I would like a little more backstory. Just subtly insert thoughts about her home life and maybe a quick flashback. The flashback isn't necessary though. With this, I think the story would be a lot better. I like that you added a bit of Chinese in the story. It was a nice touch.
I hope you continue to develop this story. It was very good and I think it could be exceptionally great.
Rachelle
Thank you for the feedback, this is the third chapter so things might not make sense. If you want to, you can read the previous two parts to get a better idea.