Ning
Sometimes, more than I'd like to admit. I'd awake terrified at night with nothing but the slow tick-tock of the clock to remind I'm alive; and the disappointment that clings to my mind like syrup has not separated me from the living. The night's silence embraces me in a suffocating fold and my breathing comes out like a pauper's coins, hesitant and unwilling.
But sooner or later, it passes. As all things do, and I will sink into sleep again, wary and restless. It was this state that MeiMei had arrived tonight.
_____
"You scared me." I held a hand to my heart and gasped for another breath, attempting to order my thoughts into some acceptable order. It was a rather futile task, I gave up and focused on Meimei.
"Sorry, JieJie." She said, but showed no signs of apologeticness instead her eyes were focused solely on what was in front of us. "But we're running out of time. You need to come with me."
"But, to where?" Now, I noticed that the surroundings around us were one I didn't recognize. It was a land enshrouded in white mist that billowed in the air like curtains, below there was nothing but layers and layers of mist. White as freshly fallen snow.
"-Jiejie, are you listening!?" Meimei's sharp voice snapped me out of the trance.
I apologized and gestured for her to continue. She made an exasperated sound in the back of her throat.
"Like I was saying, I need you to follow me to The Tree."
"Tree?" I said, "what do you mean. Explain to me, slowly." I sat down on the ground, marveling at how the fine mist parted around me before converging seamlessly again. "You were always so rush-headed, I remember when you were small none of us could understand what you were talking about."
"Jiejie," Meimei moaned and pressed her face into her hands, "you've told me this enough times I can recite it backwards in my sleep." She sat down slowly and faced me, her expression was solemn and seem to carry the weight of the world in her eyes. "No matter how crazy this sounds, you have to believe me."
It wasn't a question she asked.I gave her a small nod.
"I need to leave this place, Jiejie. I need to move and go on, or else I'll start to unravel." Her voice cracks, like the first splinter that surfaces when you hurl something hard at a mirror. And with that she goes flying, I see the splinters sprawling out in spidery walks along the staircase of her spine as she crumples. It climbs over her face like vines as tears slither down unburdened, pooling into a wet patch at the bottom of her dress.
I held her and she wept, and I wish I could have done more than this. I felt so helpless, so lost every single time I'm with her.
Why. Why am I always so useless.
The sobs ceased into a soft hiccups and she pulled away, hiding herself in the crook of her elbow. "Sorry, Jiejie." She mumbled.
I gave her a small squeeze on the hand, "what were you saying before?"
"This place, I need to get away. But I can't because I'm tied to it. I need your help."
"Me?" I said, feeling lost and helpless, "I don't even know what this place is. It's so white, I can't see anything. It feels like a void, is this some sort of a void?"
She shook her head and stood up, not forgetting to straighten out her dress before picking a route through the mist. I didn't question her, even from when she was small she knew when to ask questions and when to lead. Her steps were firm with no hesitance, this was obviously not the first time she had make the journey. Out the corner of my eye, I surveyed the surroundings a habit I had picked up from my mother. The land stretched into infinity, an unfinished equation with no known variables. It was so quiet that I could hear the individual beats of each of our hearts, our breathing and the blood sloshing against my ear canals.
"Jiejie, stop." Her voice broke through my haze like a burst of cool wind on a summer day. "If you could only hear everything they say around here, you wouldn't be so focused on yourself anymore." She said wistfully.
I wondered at the implied jab of her sentence and waved it away, "what do you mean, Meimei? Explain it to me."
She went on walking for several minutes without speaking but I knew from the way her hands clasped behind her back she was trying to come up with an explanation, "do you remember when dad came back from Russia and brought back a set of matryoshka nesting dolls?"
It was a strange set of nesting dolls unlike the colourful painted ones we had seen on the internet, according to Dad it was a gift from one of his local clients. The dolls were painted in dark, muted colour but their eyes had lit up when we turned down the light. In the end, it was too disturbing and we threw it into a drawer and forgot all about it.
"Jiejie? Stop spacing out."
"Sorry." I said, "yes, I remember."
"This place is a bit like that, you're on the outermost layer but everything is connected to a bigger whole. But instead of wood, it's people's memories. But the thing is, you never know what's going to happen when you open another layer. Sometimes it'll be as gentle as a breeze, and others time they'll storm against your walls threatening to tear it apart."
"I don’t follow you, Meimei." I couldn't keep the frustration out of my voice, "what do you mean? There's nothing but mist here?" Memories? What did she mean by that, was it because of that she had been able to keep in contact with me for so long.
'We're here, Jiejie." She had stopped and I felt the presence almost at once, it was unmistakable. The giant tree loomed over us like a giant out of the white mist, emanating wisdom and power. There was a figure on the lowest tree branch, all I could see was their legs that swung back and forth and back and forth. I gave a Meimei a quizzical look.
"Please don't be too confused." She said, with a note of apology and with that the mist took control of my mind and I was drowning, drowning with no escape.
End of chapter
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello Hiraeth.
So here to write a review. Sorry that I'm a little bit behind. Since I've read the previous two reviews, I'll try my best not to repeat anything too much.
Anyways, let's get started, shall we?
I think that I mentioned this in the PM that I sent you, but regardless, I just now realized that Ning was JieJie. I don't really know if that just escaped my mind, maybe because I wasn't invested in this novel that much, since of course this is only in the beginning stages of the works, and with all the rewrites, the characters got a little bit muddled in my brain. Anyways, with that being said, this version seems to be much more clear and less mysterious than the other ones, where I was wildly confused and literally had no idea what was going on. Here you provide a little bit of context(more than last time), a pinch of "why" MeiMei is leading her here, etc.
I always felt like it wasn't weakness when a character displayed hesitation. It was human that they were displaying hesitation. So, this is the thing that lacked here while reading through this a second time. Not only did MeiMei have to repeat to JeiJei to trust/believe her several times, but JeiJei didn't even hesitate, just a nod and a yes. That might be enough for her, but that was honestly not that much enough for me. :/ (I cringe when there is the component of missing hesitation, because it's so real and should be used in faith-filled situations such as these.)
I guess that I didn't understand this analogy to russian nesting dolls matryoshka completely. Yes, I know what they are, and how they look like, but I was also in my own head putting this analogy and converting it to the analogy of an onion. I fail to see that the complex layers of this connect to eachother, and like with the dolls, you have to open one, then another one and another ones, and not only do they keep on getting smaller in size, but you also have to connect those discarded ones and put to the side. Or just cast them aside.
I feel like you have done a good job at showing that JeiJei is quite frustrated that she's so confused, but I don't understand why she would want to waste the precious time that she has win MeiMei by wondering and pondering on all of these facts. I don't know, it just feels like sometimes, isn't silence enough without explaining. And yes, while the readers and JeiJei deserve an explanation, I feel like she has a prolonged attention span on wanting to know exactly what's going on, instead of just focusing on MeiMei.
I feel like this strong focus should have been a thread that continued throughout this whole entire chapter, that way you can identify that she was actually focusing on someone that's important to her. If you were to possibly edit, I would definitively bring out this theme a little bit stronger and more.
Here's the example that I was looking for. She then switched the focus to herself, when MeiMei wanted her to focus on the surrondings. So anyways, my point still stand, instead of jumping around from focus to focus, maybe try to develop one of the three options and stick with it.
That's honestly all that I've got for this chapter, the rest I basically outlines in my PM, and I don't think that needs to repeated or restated.
Spoiler
This is an example of purply prose which really closely resembles a poem, and in fact could be formatted to be a poem. Just thought to point this out for the reason of being more clear/exact. Refer to my PM if you're confused by these statements.
Can't wait for the next chapter! (psst that means hurry up!)
~Pretzel
Hi!
I was pushing this review for tomorrow, but decided to read the previous chapters to freshen up my memory, and that’s when all the ideas and suggestions came pouring in and said I to myself, “you ought to be ashamed of yourself for not biting hard enough, especially since this got potential.” Maybe that’s why it’s good to take a break once in a while and see the work with fresh pair of eyes ourself. The things we realise and find, oh my, it’s lovely and a bit off putting of our past self. lol!
I think you won’t mind if I talk a little bit about the II chapter, though I said that it is one of my favourite chapter so far, I think it needs lot of tinkering. This isn’t a fault in particular; you could take it as a suggestion. The chapter begins with Kannan regretting not helping Jimmy with his first cycle ride, it’s poetic — some of the descriptions, and the comparison to the zircons, but all of a sudden we get thrown in to this italics of dreams cum reality, where two people converse with no definite hold, when I say ‘definite hold’ I mean the connection the readers supposed to feel when you introduce a character. There’s nothing idealistic about Jimmy, he’s just a kid who’s excited and scared about riding his cycle, for the first time. But, I as the reader do not feel that said excitement or the proud moment that Kannan supposed to be feeling because, well, his little brother (I assume) is riding his cycle for the FIRST TIME EVER! It could be because of the tense you are using, of lately I find Present tense voices to be very lethargic, and they are rarely exciting to me. (Again, this is a very personal opinion) As that was going on, we then again get thrown out to the reality, frankly, I liked the reality more. It was down and done, and the ending as always! <3 What I’m trying to say here is, I know that you are writing a mystery and you’re being playful with jumbled transitions, but mystery isn’t always about trying to sound interesting, you can also about being subtle and laid down. I think it would be nice to eyes if you tone down the italics, go on a full fledge with the ‘riding the cycle from the top of the hill’ and then come back to the selling of the memory. Dropping down the hill and waking up in the chair. It’s just a suggestion, feel free to ignore.
On with the IIIrd chapter.
This has good transition from reality to dream. What I’m assuming from the story so far is that Ning and Kannan are two teenagers who has/had siblings and somehow ended up losing them to someone or something. I’m guessing that these two characters would meet up and conspire against whoever is robbing them off of their happiness.
I like how you concentrated on the dream in this chapter, when you concentrate on one particular scenario it not only becomes clear for the readers, you as a writer will also be able to make out what’s important, so good job on that.
“To remind I’m alive” feels a bit off. How about adding some ‘me’s’ and ‘that’s’ ? And I’m not very sure if I’m down with the “syrup” metaphor it feels dry. Why don’t you elaborate on that a little bit?
Made?
I could not help, I thought that she started to splinter literally (we are in a dream, right?), for some odd reason the metaphor felt very literal here, and so when Ning held her and when MeiMei wept, I couldn’t stop but think, “didn’t she just splinter?”
Whenever, Ning asks MeiMei to explain things to her, slowly, I lose my patience, because it’s used too often in this chapter. And honestly, I can trace out the desperation in Ning’s mind, only after reading this chapter for over three times, basically, she isn’t annoying, she’s simply just desperate to bring MeiMei back and spend some time. So whenever she says, ‘explain it to me, slowly’, I as an over-analysing reader couldn’t stop but feel sorry for Ning, she’s doing everything in her power to spend the little bit more with her, but I don’t think you actually bring out that emotion well with her dialogues or with your descriptions, because of which I find it very off putting.
“their” ? Who are these “their” are we talking about? Isn’t Ning discovering things along with the readers?
And, that’s all I have for this chapter. I'm pretty sure I was very harsh with this review and I'm sorry. D:
PM me if you need to discuss anything at all!
Keep writing!
Cheers!
Thank you so much for this review, this is exactly what I've been wanting. I want critiques, I want to know what's working and what's not working and this is seriously awesome because you've done exactly that. Please be this harsh in your future reviews <3
You and your rewrites
I like that you have Ning and Meimei in this version now because as well as making things less confusing for the easily confusable such as myself, it creates a more solid feeling. It links everything a lot better, and rounds things out on a deeper level. I'm glad you included what you did in the beginning too because it subtly informed us that this was another one of Ning's strange dreams, and I'm desperate to find out what all of this stuff means exactly. I'm trying to imagine this as if I'd not read the previous version to figure out if it's at all confusing, but I think you're good. Even without knowing who the person in the tree is (was he called the Keeper? God, my memory is so fried, I'm so sorry, you know who I mean though!), this has enough clarity to stand alone. You write it all dream-like and whimsically as well, which suits it perfectly. In terms of plot progression and linking things, this is definitely the better version.
In regards to critiques, I'd be lying if I said I had many. As such, apologies if this review ends up a little useless. The only real thing I can conjure up are some issues with clarity. While generally speaking, this chapter is pretty clear and confusing, there are some things I'm not too certain on. I might just be getting confused because I'm not too certain which parts/chapters I've read are still a part of this, as you've added, edited, removed e.t.c. a few things. As such, I'm focusing mainly on this chapter as a stand-alone thing. Something I didn't quite grasp was this:
What is happening exactly? Meimei acknowledges the fact she'll 'unravel' if she doesn't move on, so is this her unravelling? If so, how does she come back together (as such) and Ning is able to physically hold her, comfort her e.t.c? Part of me is tempted to suggest that this description may be a tad bit too abstract because it's unclear what's actually happening, but then I honestly think that might literally just be me. I'm bad with abstract stuff, it's awful. Nonetheless, I do think some clarity is needed, particularly as everything seems fine again within seconds (minus her being clearly upset and what not). Oh, also, this part I've quoted is all in present tense, whereas everything else is in past. Not sure if that was a mistake on your part.
The only other thing I have for you is such a nit-pick. A few times throughout this, you had Ning or Meimei commenting on Ning spacing out frequently. This is a bizarre, seemingly serious, and certainly not every day situation for Ning, so the idea of her spacing out to have a think occasionally seems a bit odd. Surely all of her senses would be heightened, and her thoughts would be pretty glued to what's happening? Then again, I personally don't think she is really spacing out in this. I mean, take the Russian doll thing. Meimei mentions those dolls, so obviously she's going to think of them and think about them for a brief while. You don't need to have Meimei telling her to stop spacing out after this because as readers (or at least with me anyway), we won't be like oh my god, why is she thinking about Russian dolls?? because, well, that's what we assume she'll think about when someone brings them up. I'm probably not making sense here, but I guess what I'm saying is that there's no need to bring so much attention to Ning spacing out, in my opinion.
Aaaaaand that's it, I think. I don't have any particularly major critiques for this at all, just something that could benefit from a bit more clarity, and the whole spacing out thing. I definitely think I prefer this version to the last, not that I didn't enjoy that one at all, but you're definitely onto something good here. Apologies for this review being a little sparse, but I suppose that's a god thing for you, really! You know the drill anywho; any questions, comments e.t.c. regarding this review, you know where my cave is
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
<3