Zahra's Crock Pot

Aliyah

“You can either stop washing the crock pot, or get the fuck out.” 

Everyone stared as Renna and Aliyah stood head to head in the kitchen. It was true that Renna had asked Aliyah, twice, not to worry about washing dishes at her graduation party, but Aliyah thought she was doing her successful friend a small favor. The tense silence that followed Renna’s outburst was almost impossible to endure as Aliyah scrambled to think of how to respond. She set the pot down with stoical calmness and left the house, trying to carry herself with dignity as the guests watched her. Renna had made it difficult to walk away with even a shred of pride, but Aliyah convinced herself that she would come after her and apologize. 

It didn’t happen that way. 

Aliyah did not receive so much as a text from her friend. For a while, she sat in her car outside of her own house, waiting for a call or a message to pop up on the screen. When it was clear that Renna was too busy enjoying herself at her party, Aliyah went inside and occupied herself by cleaning out her fridge. She kept the cell phone nearby, but she understood now that she was the one who was expected to call first. 

It didn’t matter. All Aliyah really wanted now was the crock pot. It had belonged to their dead friend Zahra, and now it belonged to both of them. They took turns cooking with it, recalling memories of her and making new memories, sharing food, laughter, the occasional argument. Aliyah hoped that this was just one of those instances. But she waited until it was late in the night, and there was no message from Renna. So she turned the light out, and slept.
She checked again in the morning when she woke, but her cell phone was full of messages from other friends. After responding to those, she went out to the supermarket to buy ingredients for a comforting taco soup. As she stood in the middle of the shopping aisle, scanning the shelves of canned vegetables, she remembered she didn’t have the crock pot to make it in, and was filled with sadness. There was only one person she wanted to talk to now.
She took out her phone and called Hadid. He greeted her pleasantly, and she immediately felt better at hearing his voice.
“Have lunch at my house today,” Aliyah said. Hadid laughed, and Aliyah cringed at herself for sounding too eager.
“I made plans with some friends,” he said.
“Oh. Which friends?” She wished she hadn’t said it as soon as it came out of her mouth.
“It’s just me and the guys. We’re having a soccer game on campus today.”
“Oh, okay. Well, have fun with the guys,” Aliyah said, holding her waist with her arm and staring at the floor. She was glad Hadid wasn’t there to see her disappointment.
“You sound sad. Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes, just missing you is all. Can I stop by your game today? I want to see you.”
“We’ll have dinner at your house tonight and you can tell me what happened.”
“Okay,” Aliyah said. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“See you.”
Aliyah hung up, feeling less alone now. She grabbed cans of vegetables and beans off of the shelves and loaded them into her basket, thinking that she would have to make do without Zahra’s crock pot tonight. She bought the ingredients at the self checkout and exited the store, getting into her car and speeding out of the parking lot, onto the road.
At a red light, her cell phone vibrated in her pocket. It was from Renna:
It’s your turn to have the crock pot. If you’re home, I’d like to bring it over.
Aliyah stared at the message until the person in the car behind her honked; the light had turned green. She pressed down on the gas and found herself turning onto the way towards Renna’s house.
When she arrived, she pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. The front door of the house opened before she started walking up the steps. Renna stepped out of the house, wearing a long summer dress, her hair tied up in elegant curls. She held the crock pot in her hands and stopped when she saw Aliya. Then she came down the steps, and Aliyah returned her fixed stare with a pleasant smile. She took the pot from Renna.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Look, I didn’t mean to snap at you in front of everyone,” Renna offered. Aliyah waited, but that seemed to be all she was going to say.
“I guess I should have just stopped washing it when you told me to.”
Renna nodded in acceptance. The silence stretched on between them, and Aliyah mirrored her expression.
“You look nice,” Aliyah said. “Where are you going?”
“I’m having lunch with a friend from school,” Renna said.
“Oh. Well, have fun with that.”
“I will. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay.” 

"Do you mind moving your car out of the way?" 

Aliyah got into her car with resignation. She turned it on and moved it out of the driveway, watching as Renna drove out and flew in the opposite direction.

***

Renna

It happened the same day Aliyah had waltzed in and taken the liberty of vacuuming her room, and (re)making her bed, pillows on top of the covers - like countless times before, ignoring Renna’s insistence to stop and have a chat with her. Renna watched her vacuum the downstairs, even though she had tidied up the living room in preparation for the party. She’d admitted to herself, grudgingly, that Aliyah was better at cleaning her own house than she was. 

When she began washing the dishes, nearly empty of the chilli Renna had made and that the guests had eaten up, it was like she was being paved over with Aliyah’s corrections. She wanted to divert her from her meticulous cleaning and just have some fun with her.
“Put the dishes down and come dance with us!” Renna had called over to her.
Aliyah had turned to her and said, naturally, “Just a minute.”
“You’re no fun. Come on, you really don’t have to do any of that.”
Aliyah set down the wet dishes to dry and began scrubbing the crock pot.
“It’s really not a problem, Renna. I’m almost done here.”
But it was a problem. It really was. Why couldn’t she see that?
Renna walked over to her and said, “You can either stop washing the crock pot, or get the fuck out.”
She had only meant for Aliyah to hear, but her voice sounded like the crack of a whip. Her words cut through the music and the carefree chatter so that everyone stopped and turned to stare in stunned silence.
Aliyah remained infuriatingly calm, her face giving nothing away. She set the crock pot down and walked pridefully out of the house, and Renna stared after her in disbelief. When she was gone, all eyes remained on Renna. She commanded everyone to keep dancing, and they awkwardly did as they were told.
But the crock pot had stood in the way of her having a good time. It was saturated in the memory of her, sitting in the sink full of soupy leftover chilli and dishwater. When the party was over, she left it in the sink overnight and occupied her mind with thoughts of her date with Hadid the next day. In the late morning, she washed the crock pot and let it dry, then sent Aliyah a text message saying that she was coming to drop it off. She put on a nice dress and went out to the driveway to find that Aliyah was already there.
She had that infuriatingly pleasant smile on her face. In any other circumstance, Renna would have admired her unyieldingly civilized facade. She handed the crock pot to her.
“Thank you,” Aliyah said.
“You’re welcome. Look, I didn’t mean to snap at you in front of everyone,” Renna said.
Aliyah seemed to wait expectantly for something more. When Renna didn’t respond, she said, “I guess I should have just stopped washing when you told me to.”
Yes, you should have. Renna refrained from saying out loud. She gave Aliyah a conciliatory nod instead. Aliyah’s smile faltered at her lack of response, and Renna felt a small twinge of satisfaction at that.
Aliyah composed herself and looked at Renna’s outfit.
“You look nice. Where are you going?”
Renna would have told her she had a date, except Hadid didn’t want anyone to know about their relationship yet; his family didn’t want him to get distracted by a girl during final exams.
“I’m having lunch with a friend from school,” Renna said.
“Oh. Well, have fun with that.”
“I will. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay.”
For a moment, Renna wondered what Zahra would think of this whole situation. She probably would have laughed at the both of them for being so silly. But it seemed to be more than just a stupid fight over a crock pot; ever since Zahra passed away, Renna had felt like something stood between Aliyah and herself, and she didn’t quite know what it was.
She turned away from her friend and got into her car. When Aliyah drove out, Renna couldn’t wait to see Hadid. She sped to the Mediterranean restaurant in Seattle where they agreed to meet at, heart spasming when she saw him sitting at a table inside. He was wearing his nice sports jacket and jeans, and he looked cleanly shaven. Renna parked her car and went inside the restaurant. Hadid stood when he saw her, holding a single rose out for her. She smiled and took it.
“This doesn’t let you off the hook,” she scolded lightly. “You said you would stop by yesterday before the party and then you bailed.”
He kissed her cheek repentantly. “There were people at your house - I didn’t want anyone asking questions.”
Renna narrowed her eyes at him before sitting down. Hadid took a seat across from her, and a waiter came with two glasses of a deep red drink. He set the drinks on the table and asked if they were ready to order. Renna requested time to look at the menu, and when the waiter left, she took a sip of the sweet drink, smiling doubtfully at Hadid.
“Would your dad really be that mad if he found out about me?”
“It’s just a matter of having my priorities in order,” Hadid said by way of explanation. He didn’t elaborate further.
“I see. So I’m not a priority to you,” Renna said, taking another sip of the drink. It was fun watching him squirm.
“I just don’t need the extra stress my overbearing father causes me,” he said hastily. He reached out and took her hand to kiss it, but she pulled it away.
“You’ll have to try harder than that.”
Hadid smiled at the challenge. “Once my final exams are over and I graduate next week, I’d be happy to introduce you.”
This time she let him take her hand and raise it to his lips. He locked his dark eyes with hers, and she tried not to look pleased. She failed.
“I’m ready to order now,” she said.
Hadid waved the waiter over and they ordered,
“Why don’t you come over to my house tonight?” Renna said when the waiter left. “I’ll order in and we can watch a movie.”
“I made plans with the guys today. We’re playing soccer on campus,” Hadid said, taking a sip of his drink.
“A soccer game in the evening?” Renna said.
“Well, everyone was busy today. And I didn’t want to miss my date with you, so we decided to blow off some steam tonight.”
“Ah, smooth. I’ve never seen you play. Mind if I drop by?”
“My father will be there,” Hadid said swiftly.
“Oh,” Renna replied. Her eyebrows went up in disapproval and she took another sip of the drink. Hadid laughed quietly.
“Listen, there’s nothing I want more than for everyone to know that I’m with you. We just have to be a little patient, that’s all. Now, tell me how your party was. Did you have a good time?”
Slightly placated, Renna told him how she had snapped at Aliyah at the party, and then about the awkward confrontation in her driveway not long ago. As she explained it to him, she began to realize how petty the whole thing was. But again, there was just something off about their friendship recently. She couldn’t put her finger on why they were so out of sync and touchy with each other all the time.
The waiter brought their food. He set down a vegetarian platter of dolma, hummus and pita chips, and greek salad in front of Renna. She stared at her food for a moment, pondering. Dolma was one of her favorite dishes, one that Aliyah had made for her once in their crock pot. She knew Renna was a vegetarian and always made meals without meat for them to share.
“It’s silly isn’t it?” Renna said. Hadid stayed quiet, and she thought he had stopped listening, but when she looked up at him, he was watching her intently.
“I should go over tonight and apologize, for real. I’ll text her now and see what she’s doing.” Renna took out her phone. Hadid reached out and gently stopped her.
“It wasn’t fair of her to ignore your objections like that.”
“Yeah, but I shouldn’t have yelled at her in front of everyone.”
“You were justified in reacting the way you did. Just give it some time - she’ll come around and see her mistake. Don’t let it stew in your mind right now. Put your phone away and eat with me."
Renna put her phone in her purse. “I didn’t mean to spoil the mood like that.”
Hadid smiled approvingly. “Let’s eat.”
***

Crock Pot

Zahra’s suicide had not made me hollow. Instead, it filled me with the memory of her. Her death happened slowly at first, and then her soul was swept away all at once. The moment she found out about her husband’s infidelity was the most decisive moment of her life, and mine. I had belonged to her for years, and I had known of Jalal’s disloyalty, having witnessed his late night phone calls while Zahra slept, unaware, in their bed. When she heard about his affair from his family, she became a different person. She was angry and hopeless for weeks. Then one night, she turned the gas on and thrust her head far into the oven below me. I had little credence in a transcendent reality, but as she lay there dying, something of her essence ripped out of her and rose up into me, clinging to the materials I was made of. I sat on the stovetop all night, and as she was lifted from her body, I became saturated with her. Now, it was impossible to forget.

And so it was not just me who witnessed the agitations between two good friends. She lingered as a part of me, and I knew what she would say to both of them, if she could. 

Don’t let it be about a man.
But it was always about a man; it was no different with Aliyah and Renna, two thriving and beautiful young women, going head to head with each other over this Hadid. He was similar to Jalal in many ways, but the way he lied was the most striking similarity.
I understood that he intended to cut ties with both of them as soon as he finished his studies. I once overheard him speaking on the phone with an employer based in New York (he was having lunch with Renna at her house that day, but she had been in another room). He was planning to move to Manhattan in the summer time, effectively putting thousands of miles between himself and his unknowing girlfriends. This was how he would make a clean cut getaway. It was foolproof.
The truth was, I wanted him to get away with it. If neither of them knew, the friendship would be spared, and I would keep being passed between them. Because some part of Zahra still lived in me, I wanted to be a part of them. They were all three sisters when she was still alive. Our sisterhood remained intact even after she died because they shared me.
But things had gotten in the way. Jealousy, secrets. At the party, it wasn’t really about me. They’d been keeping everything from one another. They’d both become good liars, just like Hadid. I knew Renna had a lunch date with him this afternoon, and she’d lied about it to Aliyah. Aliyah had not been honest with Renna either. There were moments when they enjoyed a meal together and Renna would comment that Aliyah seemed like she had a secret boyfriend. Aliyah would deny it profusely, and I could see how much it bothered Renna that Aliyah was not forthcoming.
I hoped neither of them would ever find out.
Aliyah had me now. It was becoming dark outside the kitchen window, and she placed me on the counter to prepare a meal for herself and Hadid. She’d called him when she arrived at home to ask him if taco soup was okay for dinner. Evidently, taco soup was just fine with him. I wondered idly what he’d had during lunch with Renna.
She loaded the pinto beans, white beans and kidney beans into me. Next came the baby corn, the diced tomatoes and the chilis, then the spices and the salt. She stirred everything together and covered me with the lid. This happened to be a dish that all three of us loved.
She let me simmer for an hour while she chopped a salad and sliced a loaf of bread. Then she set the table with a white tablecloth and placed two brown pillar candles at the center beside the flower vase. But she seemed to have a hard time finding the lighter. She kept looking at her phone, and I wondered if she was expecting a call from Hadid or Renna. There was a knock on the front door. Aliyah exited the kitchen and opened it. From my vantage point on the kitchen counter, I saw that it was Hadid. He greeted Aliyah at the door with a single rose and kissed her deeply. She invited him in and apologized; dinner wasn’t quite ready yet. He told her it was okay.
He sat down at the kitchen table and watched as Aliyah poured them two glasses of a deep red drink.

“Do you like this drink?” she asked him. “I’m sorry we don’t have anything else; my mom didn’t get groceries before she and my dad left for vacation. It slipped my mind when I was at the store today.”
“That’s my favorite drink,” Hadid said. Aliyah smiled at him and gave him his glass, then began setting down placemats. Hadid asked where her family had gone for vacation, and she told him they were visiting her relatives in Dubai. They continued to make small talk while I stewed the soup, and then Hadid asked what was bothering her.
Aliyah stopped, her back turned to Hadid as she was reaching up to retrieve bowls from a high cabinet. She sighed.
“Renna and I have been off lately,” she said. “I think she’s mad at me, but I don’t really know why.”
“Hm. Maybe she’s jealous of you,” Hadid suggested. He was not wrong, but his intent was poisonous.
Aliyah turned to him with incredulous eyes. “Why would she be jealous of me?”
“Why wouldn’t she be? You’re beautiful, you’re generous, you’re smart.”
“Smart enough to drop out of med school so I can be a chef.” Aliyah shook her head. “My parents still haven’t gotten over that - I think they might have been right.”
“You’re too creative to be a pill pusher. Either way, you’re smart enough to do whatever you want.” Hadid reached over to me and lifts the lid, peaking inside. I wished I could have smacked his covetous hands away.
“Smells delicious,” he said greedily.
“Thank you,” Aliyah said. She brought the sliced toasted bread and caesar salad to the setting table, then carefully served the steaming taco soup into the bowls. She topped it with a good helping of sour cream and cheddar cheese. Hadid moaned in appreciation at the smell and look of the banquet.
“Bon apetit,” she said, sitting down. But before they took their first bites, the doorbell rang. Hadid looked at her with alarm. Of course - he didn’t want anyone to know because of his father. That was the lie he’d fed them both.
“Did you invite someone over?” he demanded. 

“No, this is unexpected,” Aliyah said. 

“I should leave,” Hadid said.
“Stay right there,” Aliyah commanded. “Let me go see who it is. It’s probably just a late delivery or something."
She went to the door, and it was just me and a nervous Hadid in the kitchen. Aliyah opened the door and it was Renna outside.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi,” Aliyah said, keeping her voice low. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to talk. To apologize, but - do you have a guest?”
“Yes, I made plans for dinner with someone tonight,” Aliyah said hastily. Renna’s eyes widened.
“You have a boyfriend. I knew it!” she exclaimed.
“No! I mean, I know it looks that way, but - look, I appreciate you coming over but can we please do this another time, Renna?”
“Not until I meet him.”
“I can’t introduce you yet. We’re keeping it a secret.”
“Why?”
“Because...he has a really strict dad.”
Renna looked confused. She stood on her tip-toes to peer inside, and Aliyah tried to stand in her way, but she caught a glimpse. Hadid went rigid and stood, looking for a way out. If I wasn’t so anxious about Renna and Aliyah, I would have enjoyed watching him flounder, finally caught in his lies. But I knew; this wasn’t going to end well for anyone.
Renna straightened and glared at Aliyah, who immediately took a step back, surprised by her hostile expression.
“Your secret boyfriend is Hadid?” Renna stated.
“Yeah. Why is that a problem?”
“Because I’m dating him.” She pushed open the door and walked past Aliyah and through the living room into the kitchen.
Hadid had backed himself up against the fridge. Renna stood next to the table, staring furiously at him. Aliyah had stood still at the doorway, processing what Renna had just said, and now she walked back to the kitchen in a daze. She looked from Renna to Hadid and back.
“What do you mean, you’re dating him? Hadid, is that true?” Aliyah said. She was a complete deer caught in the headlights, while Renna looked like she was imagining all the different ways she wanted to kill him. This was painful to witness; they were both so much like Zahra.
“You’re saying you didn’t know?” Renna addressed Aliyah without looking at her.
“No,” Aliyah stated flatly. Renna nodded once in acknowledgment, her jaw clenched tight.
“Well?” Aliyah said to Hadid. “Explain yourself. Now.”
Hadid had no words. He was a tall young man, one who had a strong presence when he walked into a room. Now he had the appearance of a worm that was about to get stepped on. They waited, and waited, staring him down with their angry, scary, beautiful eyes. Finally, he spoke.
“Fine. I’m dating you,” he said to Renna, and then, to Aliyah, “And you.”
He had the audacity to be angry now. Aliyah’s jaw dropped at his shameless confession.
“For how long? And who first?” Renna said calmly, but she had her arms folded tightly across her chest - to keep from hitting him, I believed.
“Since the quarter started,” he said. His shoulders were hunched in. He looked unwilling to say more.
“And?” Aliyah prompted. “Who did you go out with first?”
“Renna. We go to the same campus. And then you, when I met you at her birthday party.”
“You said you were just friends,” Aliyah said to Renna.
“I lied. He made me lie because his dad doesn’t want him dating--” 

“--until after graduation,” they both said at the same time, realizing in the same moment that it was another lie meant to keep them apart. 

“You weasel. Did you actually have a soccer game today, or was that also bullshit?” Aliyah asked.

Renna turned to her. “He told you that, too? Did he also promise to introduce you to his dad after his final exams?”
Aliyah kept staring at him, mouth clenched tight like she tasted something sour. She nodded slowly.
Hadid had nothing to say. He fidgeted, didn’t seem to know what to do with himself.
“I just want to know - what were you planning to do after graduation?” Renna demanded. “You couldn’t have kept this a secret for very long.”
“I have a management position waiting for me at a company in New York. I’m leaving at the start of July.”
Renna breathed out, slumping over slightly like she had been punched in the stomach. I knew why; she was a successful, ambitious woman to the core. She needed to feel important in all aspects of her life, and now she knew that he had always intended to abandon her. She was that insignificant to him. They both were.
“So you were going to leave without a word? Just like that?” Aliyah dared to ask. Her voice was low, and she still couldn’t look at his face.
“No,” he said. “I was going to say it wasn’t going to work out because of the long distance.”
“How kind of you,” Renna muttered. It was quiet for a few strained moments.
“What do you have to say for yourself?” Aliyah asked.
Hadid shrugged limply, his face straight and defeated. “Nothing.”
“Then you need to leave, right now,” Aliyah said. “We don’t need you.”
He seemed only too eager to get out of this hot situation. He started to leave, and then stopped at the opening to the kitchen where they both stood. He must have expected them to part away and make room for him to walk out, but neither of them moved. Aliyah and Renna both stared him down, and he was required to shuffle in between them to get out of the kitchen. Renna reached out and grabbed his coat, which was draped on the back of one of the chairs.
“Don’t forget your jacket,” she said, hurling it at the back of his head. He caught it awkwardly and scowled at her. Renna’s responding glower challenged him to do or say something about it. He slumped away and out the front door.
After the door slammed shut, Aliyah and Renna kept standing in the kitchen entryway, neither one knowing what to say, or simply too shaken to say anything. Renna looked down at the table setting, at the bowls of uneaten soup, and the plates of uneaten bread and salad. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest, hunching in on herself like she was cold. She met Aliyah’s gaze for a moment, and then they looked away from each other uncomfortably.
Aliyah exhaled a long breath, then moved over to the table and picked up the plates with the bread and the salad. She transferred the bread and salad into plasticware and stuck it in the fridge.
“What am I going to do with all this soup?” she muttered to herself, looking at the bowls full of soup. She went over to a different cabinet to grab more plasticware.
When she opened the cabinet door, she said, “There’s the lighter.”
It must have been her father who placed it there. I knew; Aliyah would get mildly irritated with him whenever he put things out of their place. She grabbed the lighter, but didn’t put it in the drawer where it needed to be. She didn’t take out the plasticware, either. Instead, she turned and looked at the lonely table setting with the unlit candles.
Renna still stood self-consciously by the table, shifting from foot to foot.
“I should go,” she finally said. She turned to leave.
“Renna, wait,” Aliyah called to her before she reached the front door. Renna stopped, her hand on the doorknob, and looked back over her shoulder.
“Would you like to stay and eat? The food is still warm.”
She hesitated, but took her hand off the doorknob.
“Are you eating?” she asked.
“Yes,” Aliyah said.

She appeared to consider it for a moment, then said, “Well, taco soup is one of favorites.”

She walked back into the kitchen and took the seat that was meant to be Hadid’s.
“Mine too,” Aliyah said. “...and Zahra’s.”
Renna said nothing in response to that. Aliyah took the salad and bread out of the fridge and put it back on the plates, setting them down at the table again, then lit the brown candles. Renna picked up the glass with the red drink and took a sip, then wrinkled her nose.
“I’ve always thought it was too sweet,” Aliyah said as if in agreement to something Renna had said.
“Yeah,” Renna replied. “What’s in this shit?”
Aliyah grabbed the bottle from the fridge and read the ingredients.
“A bunch of weird stuff I can’t even identify.” she said. She stood up and dumped the bottle and her glass into the sink, watching the deep red liquid swirl down the drain like blood. Renna did the same with her glass. Aliyah washed and replaced the glasses with ice cold water from the fridge. They sat down to eat.
“Mmm,” Renna moaned with her eyes closed after the first bite of soup. “You’re definitely going to be a successful chef one day.”
Aliyah beamed at her compliment, but said nothing. Renna took one more bite of the soup, then looked remorsefully at Aliyah. She put her spoon down.
“I’m really sorry I yelled at you yesterday. I feel really bad about it, and I shouldn’t have reacted that way. Please forgive me.”
Aliyah nodded in acceptance. “All is forgiven.”
They ate quietly for a few moments. Aliyah tore up pieces of bread and sprinkled it into her soup, scooping the pieces up into her mouth with her spoon. Renna loaded her morsels with sour cream and cheddar cheese. I quietly stewed over this; maybe the friendship wasn’t destroyed after all.
And then Aliyah set her spoon down and asked, “Why have you been so mad at me?”
Renna paused, looking surprised at Aliyah’s boldness. It wasn’t like her to ask a question like that so straightforwardly. But I was pleased; it was something Zahra would do.
“I don’t know,” Renna answered honestly.
“You know, I told him about it--”
“Wait, you talked to him about me?” Renna asked incredulously.
Aliyah looked embarrassed. “Well, I did think he was my boyfriend. I thought I could talk to him about it.”
Renna did not look pleased, but she seemed to consider this for a moment, and her anger visibly subsided.
“I guess I did the same thing.”
Aliyah nodded in understanding. “He played us both.”
“What were you saying before?”
“When I told him about it, about how you seemed so mad at me all the time, he said you were jealous.” She said it like it was ridiculous. Renna was straight faced.
“He’s an asshole, but he happens to be right about that,” she admitted. It was brave of her to be so honest.
“You’re jealous of me? Why? You’re the one with all the straight A’s and that amazing business internship! You have this amazing career set out for you and I’m still struggling to get through cooking school.”
“Because,” Renna snapped like she was being insulted. Aliyah pursed her lips and Renna calmed herself down.
“I’m jealous of you because, when Zahra was alive, you two were closer to each other than you were with me. You’re more like her than I ever was or will be.”
And the truth was out. It pained me to hear her say it, but I knew Aliyah needed to hear it. She stared at Renna, wide eyed and disbelieving.
“That’s ridiculous,” she said.
“No, it’s not. You have so much of her in you. Your creativity, the way you talk, even the way you cook. All I have of her is that crock pot.” 

“That’s not true,” Aliyah whispered. “There’s so much of her that you have that I wish I had. Your courage, your confidence, your intelligence. How do you not see that? I wish I could be more brave, like you. Like her.” 

Aliyah was on the verge of tears. Renna put her spoon down and crossed her arms over her chest, swallowing hard.
“She wasn’t very brave at the end, was she?” she said.
Aliyah dabbed her eyes with the edge of the tablecloth, saying nothing.
Renna was right. At the end, Zahra had been anything but brave. She clung to me, her last bit of life, and now she yearned to sit at the table with her friends. She regretted many things, but what she regretted the most was letting a man have the ability to kill the person they remembered; Zahra had died long before her suicide. She had let herself die.
“Can I ask you a weird question?” Renna said.
“Sure.”
“If Zahra and the woman Jalal had cheated with knew each other, do you think they could have been friends? Like you and me?”
“I guess that could have been possible...if they knew each other,” Aliyah allowed. “Maybe, if she didn’t know Jalal was married. But if she did know, that’s a really heavy thing to forgive.”
“I know,” Renna said. She sighed sadly. “Why does it have to be like this? We’re always pinned against one another at some point.”
“They do it to us,” Aliyah said, and Renna and I understood who she meant by they. “But we also do it to ourselves. That’s the sad part.”
Renna nodded sadly. They finished their soup, and then Aliyah raised her glass of water.
“To Zahra,” she said.
Renna lifted her glass and clinked it with Aliyah’s. The clear water shined in the candle light.
“To Zahra.”
They drank, and Zahra stirred inside me. They would never know that she was here with me, stewing and watching. Proudly.