Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Book 2: Red Green and Blue
"Ashley, I'm telling you, I really don't wanna be here."
"Tania, it'll be fun! Kendra's here."
don't be a bitch all
you ever do is watch netflix and
Tania sighed. Ashley led the way as they
approached the townhouse, the bass
audible from the street. Hopefully, the cops would converge on the scene soon
and scatter everyone, but for the moment the frat party was in full swing.
Tania wore a red and green checkered
flannel with a white Death
Grips shirt underneath. A green hairband sat on her mousy brown hair, where one
could see on it a little red light softly blinking in the right lighting.
Tania checked her phone, absentmindedly.
She looked at the event page and saw
somewhere around five hosts.
"Whose party is this anyway?"
Ashley shrugged, her hoop earrings
jangling with the motion. "Don't know, don't
care. I'm getting fucked up tonight."
There was a lone man in a sports jacket
who nursed on a cigarette while checking his phone. He glanced at them, then
back at the blue glow of his iPhone, releasing a puff of smoke towards the sky.
where this dude at it's six already
They rang the doorbell, and after a moment
a guy in a red blazer answered the door, his eyes glazed over. He smelled as if
he had just bathed in bong water. They
were immediately assailed with the
boom of an 808, high hats clicking in rapid sixteenth notes like the mating
calls of insane, dancing cidadas.
"Ladies!" He paused and glanced over the
both of them. "Uh... Who are you?"
"We're friends with Kendra." Ashley
said brightly.
"Dunno who that is." He muttered.
"Do you care?" Tania asked.
eh could always use
more babes
He pursed his lips and shrugged, and
stepped out of the way.
They climbed the stairs, where a few
people stood apart, a couple of males talking in eachother's ears while one
gently touched the other's arm (oh god he's perf), a guy in a Tyler, The Creator hoodie standing
in the corner, (how
could
she
do
this
to
me) slurring
and belligerent while on the phone.
Tania glanced over them once as they
followed the guy in the blazer up the stairs, to the loft.
A disco ball spun in the ceiling over a
throng of people, bouncing and swaying to the beat. The lights dancing over
them changed from red, to green, to blue.
Tania twisted her mouth at the sight. She
cupped her hand to her mouth and spoke into Blazer Boy's ear. "Where are the
drinks?"
"Over in the kitchen." He pointed ahead to
a brightly lit doorway, with Christmas lights hung around the doorframe.
She touched Ashley's arm. "I'm gonna get a
drink. Want anything?"
"Smirnoff Ice." Her expression brightened
as a girl in dyed red hair came out of a circle of friends, they hugged and
spoke ear to ear.
wow, she's getting fat and those sequins don't work
Tania brushed past a group of cheering and
shouting guys into the kitchen, where a scattered few laughed jovially and
bobbing their heads enthusiastically in between swigs of a beer. Tania made a
beeline for the granite island, on it a punch bowl, a bucket full of ice,
various beer and wine coolers, and a plethora of liquor bottles, with red Solo
cups in a dozen stacks.
She popped the top off of a bottle of
Jameson, and poured it over some ice into a Solo cup. She
poured to the first line and sipped, enjoying the cool whiskey running down her
throat. She felt the headache subside a little.
"Hey, what's up Tania?"
Tania recognized the voice immediately,
felt her insides turn to ropes as she turned to see Mark standing nearby with
his horrible, plastered on smile. Small patches of cystic acne covered his
cleft chin, and he stared at her through coke-rim glasses. He was tall, and
also muscular.
"Hey... Mark. How are you?"
"Did you read my Facebook message?"
"No... Nor did I read the other sixty you
sent me this morning..."
"Aw, c'mon, Tania. Don't be like that. I
don't like it when you play games."
"I'm not the one who plays games, Mark.
That's you. Now if you'll excuse me, Ashley's thirsty."
Mark stepped in front of her, blocking her
exit from the island. She clutched the solo cup tightly with two hands.
"Why do you always wear that hairband,
Tania?"
"None of your business, Mark. Get out of
my way."
she thinks she's
better than everyone else because she can read minds I'll show her I'll fucking show everybody
"Who built it for you?"
"Mark, you have three seconds before I
kick you in the balls. Don't fuck with-"
He grabbed the hairband, yanked it off her
head.
She growled and punched his chest, forcing
him back, but it was too late. The voices stabbed into her consciousness,
snapping her sense of balance off like a blown fuse. She leaned against a
cabinet, feeling nauseous and frightened.
now i have proof
knew it you cheated
you cheated all through high school and i'm the only one who knew
Two of the closest guys glanced in their
direction.
what's up with
Tania's eyes darted painfully and by reflex to each thought-
is she okay
i can't tell if it's in
i'm definitely not
driving
this guy is burning a hole in my chest
my dad would kill me
i think i should just
kiss her
going to smash on this
guy if he so much as looks at her
i have a midterm
tomorrow why am i doing this
She screamed. "SHUT UP!"
The gathering in the kitchen came to a
lull.
"I'm gonna go viral with this," Mark growled. "You're
done. The Feds are gonna come after you. Or worse."
A woman stood between him and Tania, a
sudden blur in Tania's soaked eyes. She
was clad in a leather jacket with a black hood, and ripped jeans. Locks of
dirty blonde hair peaked out from under the hood.
"Do we have a problem here?" She asked.
"Who the fuck are you? Get away from me!"
Mark hissed.
"Give me back the hairband, or you'll take
it with you to the ER."
"Ha, are you kidding? I'm onto a
revelation here."
He trailed off, and looked around; Nearly everybody was looking in their
direction, and one bearded guy with a Necrophagist tee-shirt placed his Sam
Adams on the counter and crossed his thick arms ominously, his chin raised
slightly
and his attention full on their conversation.
Mark narrowed his eyes, looked almost like
he wanted to run away with the hairband, but with hesitation he handed it over.
The woman snatched it from his hand and grabbed his shirt collar, lifting
him slightly onto the balls of his feet.
"Now listen to me, you little conspiracy
theorist freak."
"Oh, I'm the freak!" Mark scoffed, though it was becoming increasingly evident
nobody was going to bail him out of this situation.
The woman got in close to his face, and Tania could barely hear what she said
next.
"You're going to close this little case of
yours. Otherwise, I'll find you. And when I find you, I'll make sure you never
talk to anyone
ever again. I'm gonna dig a hole; and you, your laptop, and all your little
research articles are going to share this hole, while I pour lighter fluid on
you and set you on fucking fire. Do you understand?"
He blinked, and gulped, the blacklight in
the kitchen practically making his face glow. After a moment he nodded, and she
let him go, thrusting him back with one arm.
Someone shouted from the back, probably
Necrophagist guy. "Yeah, that's right, Chemtrails. Get the fuck outta here."
As Mark slunk away into the party, the
girl gently placed the hairband back on Tania's head, and the din gradually
dissolved, and conversation around them returned to normal.
Tania moaned and touched her forehead; It
burned like a coal furnace, and her back was slick with sweat.
"Are you alright?" Her savior asked.
"Yeah... Thanks for helping me out there."
"What can I say... Guys like that really piss me off. What do you say we get
some fresh air?" The stranger jerked her thumb towards the balcony.
Tania could not read her mind, and decided she liked the stranger already.
They stepped outside, and Tania leaned against the railing. She
stared blankly at the shady silhouettes of trees in Franklin Park.
"I'm Lynn by the way. Lynn Cho." Lynn offered Tania a cigarette from a pack of
Marlboro Reds, the tin foil sort of just wrinkled and ripped instead of
removed. Tania took it gratefully, and Lynn lit it with a lighter shaped like a
grenade. Tania thought this odd, but not any more than anything else that had
happened tonight.
Lynn offered a hand to shake, and Tania took it; The grip was surprisingly
strong, and direct. It was then that she got a good look into her eyes, and saw
stark, almost lacquered-looking blue irises, drawing her own eyes in
fascination. Eyes that blue were exclusive to Anime characters, and wolves.
"Tania Moretti," she said. "Thank you for the cigarette by the way. You know
you can rip the foil out... It's perforated."
"Oh shit, are you serious?" Lynn boggled at the pack, and ripped the front
sheet out. "Well. You learn something new every day."
She took one out for herself, and lit it, leaning back against the balcony
railing.
"You're studying astrophysics at MIT, right? You're a junior."
"Yeah..." Tania felt her stomach drop again. "How did you know?
"Let's just say... We have a mutual friend."
She tapped Tania's hairband playfully, and Tania took her meaning almost
immediately.
"Oh god... Are you with the Feds or something?"
"No. God no." Lynn laughed. Her eyes were mirthful and her skin showed no sign
of age... But her tone was mature and experienced. From her voice, Tania could
almost peg her at around fourty to fifty years old. "I'd probably have brought
you out front and handcuffed you, or shown that sleazeball Mark a badge...
No, the good Dr. Allen and I work very closely. No, I'm here to tell you
there's a place for you, Tania. You have
a great purpose in this universe, and the Doctor and I would really like to
tell you about it."
The things Lynn was saying were weird in any other context, but Tania smiled.
"So why a lame frat party? Do they drug test at Allen Corp?"
"I dunno. Why anywhere, Tania? Why Boston? Why Massachusets? Why the planet
fuckin' Earth? Questions like that lead you nowhere. Say, you wanna go to Mars?"
Tania looked over at glistening stars peaking over the purple horizon, the moon
crowned by a
red, static, non-blinking entity that Tania knew at a glance to be Mars, fourth
planet from the sun.
"Do I... want to go to Mars?"
"Yes."
"Um, I dunno. It's kind of impossible at the moment, isn't it? I can't just up
and leave everything. Plus we're talking about Mars here."
"Oh, I know," Lynn said, crossing her arms. "And as an astrophysicist in
training, I'm sure you have a lot to tell me about how dangerous it is, how
many years it would take, how a solar flare could kill us in our sleep... If
only we had infinite time to get to Mars, with none of the limitations of being
human..."
"Whatever that means," Tania scoffed. She smiled, though Lynn's expression was
dead serious.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey beans~
This chapter is solid. It's not mind blowing, but it's pretty good. The focus on colors was interesting though I didn't really catch the meaning. Perhaps as a reader, I'm not supposed to yet.
You might need to set up a few things a little better. Like, at first, I thought that telepaths were accepted things in the time period/culture you're writing about. You don't really give us a year or anything, and we come in as readers expecting a skewed reality. Thus, when Mark was threatening Tania, I didn't really understand why no one else was jumping on with him. It took me a while to realize that telepathy isn't a thing most people in this chapter think is a thing.
I don't really have anything else to point out that hasn't already been said by other reviewers. I'm intrigued by this flashback though and am excited to see how it fits in with everything else.
Onto the next chapter,
Megs~
I left dates out intentionally to throw you a bit, but hopefully understanding would dawn on you later... Notice keywords like "Boston", "Marlboro", "Jameson", "MIT"...
Hello.
Haven't read previous parts, just going off what I see here.
So I'm going to assume the italics are... something that has to do with the fact this story is under sci fi. Unfortunately I think you might've mislabeled this as a prologue? This is not an introduction and I am completely lost as to where I should be in the story. I'd like to know where, exactly, I should read previous to get some clue what's going on, but I can't because there's no prologue part 1.
Past that.
There's this general sense of everything being detached. People interact with each other, then there's description, then there's italics, then there's thoughts. Repeat. Everything is short and self contained, without anything to really tie it all together. I think a lot of that detached feeling comes from everything in here being so short— from your sentence lengths to your paragraphs. When you have long sentences, they're in extremely short paragraphs.
The thing about keeping everything short is, you create a sense of urgency. Short sentences and phrases are the mainstay of tension, and they're a very effective tool when you actually have an urgent situation. However, right now, the situation is not urgent. As a result, the short, choppy sentences feel exactly like that. They don't fit the mood of a laid back, relaxed scene that's got an introspective party vibe.
Slow it down. Make your paragraphs longer, add in more introspection, really tie all these hamper-stance parts together. Right now, this is fairly rough and barebones, and could use a certain amount of richness to it. A few more details here and there, a few more thoughts, a few more connecting bits.
This looks like a pretty interesting concept. But it needs some polish to it.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Every five chapters you get a prologue, so yeah the order is pretty confusing. Read prologue and chapter 1 for insight. This is self-contained, as it is a flashback.
This is also not proof of concept. You have barely scratched the surface.
Allow me to explain why I reviewed the way I did.
First off, this does not come across as self contained. If this was honestly self contained, my review would've been "even though this is a later chapter, I can get the sense of what's going on". It's more than possible to create something that, after five parts, readers still understand. You did not create that, so you've not hit your "self contained" mandate.
The fact I brought up the lack of flow was: that's the main thing I noticed. I didn't really get any sense of the characters, or the setting, or the plot at this point. Had this actually been self contained, then I would've gotten a sense of them. However, I didn't. Therefore the choppy, difficult to follow prose was the main thing I picked up on.
Whether or not I "scratched the surface" or not%u2014 my points still stand. These are the things I noticed, and these are problems with the work. If reviewers aren't looking at the things you want, then that means there are bigger problems than the things you want pointed out. Right now, you don't have a self contained flashback. You should be constantly revealing character, and constantly creating a connection with them. If you rely on past chapters to do that, you're missing out on a lot of characterization opportunities and, in the end, weakening your writing.
Shadowolf here

"do is watch Netflix and" Add three dots after 'and' or a dash, shows that her thought has trailed off or been interrupted.
"where this dude at it's six already" re-edit this sentence. Also, when you place someone's thoughts try and indicate who said it, such as to place 'he figured' afterwards or such.
"she thinks she's better than everyone else because she can read minds I'll show her I'll fucking show everybody" Needs to be italicized.
That's all I can gleam from this to give to you to edit. I enjoyed how you used words that are not normally used such as 'mousy hair' and 'Her eyes were mirthful' its wonderful and allows you sight into the fact that you paid attention to this and wanted it to be better than just 'average'. Other than that, their is a portion where Lynn is talking, and the sentence splits-as though you were going to add another paragraph. Other than that I can only remind you to capitalize your I's. Great work and keep on keeping on