It's been one hour since he left. Even someone with extremely severe bladder problems wouldn't take that long. He's dead, the hunters found him and they've killed him. I wonder if he felt any pain the second time they shot him. Where did they shoot him? In his shoulder, again? Maybe in his heart. Why do I even care?
I let any thoughts of Arthur move into the darkest parts of my mind, I shut them away to prevent myself from feeling disappointed. I walk away from the back door where I was waiting for him and I enter the kitchen.
It's a small room with an oven, two counters and a third one which the little bar fridge sits on. There is no sink in the kitchen, I have to use the one in the bathroom. On top of a counter is a bottle of cleaning spray and a cloth. I grab them and go to the coffee table in my living room. All traces of Arthur disappear as I wipe the table clean.
I sit down on the couch where I'd slept the night before, believing that things would go back to normal. Now that there wasn't a banished in my home. The damp cloth scrunches up as I grip it tight and lean against the cushioned back of the couch, staring at the table.
Even though it's only been two nights since things went weird, my routine is completely messed up. Instead of cleaning, I should be outside by now, I should be gardening. I pick myself up and throw the spray and cloth onto the ground, then I run outside as fast as I can.
All the frustration flows out of me as I kneel beside my foxglove plants. I recall my carer telling my six year old self to copy the flowers, to be beautiful to like them. I push my shoulders back and raise my chin up. I force a smile onto my face and flutter my eyelids.
My carer looked after me when I parents died because, obviously, I couldn't look after myself. She lived in my parents' bedroom until she died when I was twelve. By then I was able to take care of things and I continued living here all alone. That old woman would be in the seemingly neverending graveyard, but I don't know where.
I tend to the plants for about an hour, confiding in them, telling them about my memories and worries. It's after that hour that he comes back.
The trees beside my house rustle and Arthur steps out into the sunlight. He grins when he sees me. "Sorry I took a while, the hunters chased me." He sounds so calm as he says it, like it's perfectly okay to disppear for two hours and leave people thinking you're dead.
"I thought they'd killed you." I keep looking down at the plants, never lifting my head to face him.
"Nah, they can't catch me-"
"You're the gingerbread man?" I recall the old story I'd heard as a child. "They got you last time."
He shrugs and stands behinds me, I can see his shadow looming over my body. "That wasn't meant to happen." He sounds frustrated. "It won't happen again."
"I cleaned up the house, you left." I use my fingers to dig around a weed. The dirt seeps into my every nook and cranny on my hand that it can find. The tips of my fingers hurt as the dirt pushes under my nails.
"Does that mean I'm not welcome anymore? Because I think that I want to stay. And be your friend." His shadow is getting shorter, he's kneeling down behind me.
"I don't do friendship."
"I've noticed that."
"And I don't plan to." I slightly leap like a frog so I can turn around and face him. I let out a startled scream, seeing that his face is now only inches away from mine.
He laughs, I feel his breath on my face. "Everyone needs a friend." This time he speaks louder for some reason, "Even Foxglove." Arthur envelopes me in a hug before I can react. I try to mumble words of protest but my face is against his chest. I tilt my head slightly so that I touch his bandaged shoulder. He twitches in pain and pushes me back from him, but still keeps a firm grip.
"What are you doing?" I demand. Pulling my arm free, I let my hand hover over the bandage as a threat.
"Just don't talk," he grins even though I know he's in pain. Then he gently puts his hand over my mouth to shush me.
I look him in the eyes and suddenly feel calm and peaceful. I suddenly like the way he's holding onto me. I think it's because I've never been hugged before, I think it's because I'm enjoying it. But then I realise it's because he's holding a strange smelling, wet rag against my nose. I realise that I'm being drugged and try to squirm away, but my mind turns fuzzy. Then I black out.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Foxglove: Chapter FivePoints:
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139,476 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
He couldn't have just returned to the banished because...?
I have a few issues with this old woman. Who is she? Where did she come from? Why is she taking care of Foxglove?
Also, the woman would have had a funeral right? If Foxglove was twelve when she died, but only a baby when her parents died, why does she know where her parents are buried but not her caretaker who she should probably have a stronger connection with since the woman played the role of parent for as long as Foxglove can remember?
...He's known her for very little time. A few hours, tops. The only interaction he's seen is the little spat she had with the hunter. How has he noticed anything about her?
Also, shouldn't she be a little suspicious? This dude from a group of people that are enemies of her's met her a few hours ago and now wants to leave his people... to be her friend? That should make some alarm bells go off.
I do love that ending though! I was prepared to roll my eyes and go "One of those stories then?" but I didn't have to because you threw that curve ball at us! It made me very excited!
To continue making it up to you for the long wait, I'll review the other two chapters, but I want to get caught up a little on my review list, so I'll be back soon!
Megs~
Me again! :3
So this chapter answered my question of who looked after Foxglove when she was a child, so yay for that. This was a good chapter overall actually, methinks. Your ending had a really awesome hook, so massive udos to you for that. I'm really eager to find out what Arthur is doing and why he's drugged Foxglove, so I'm sure Ill get to the next chapter very soon! In terms of plot, I think your novel is very strong so far, so keep at it.
With regards to critiques, I'll start with a tiny nit-pick. This applies to the last chapter, I guess, but I'll mention it here anyway. Why didn't Foxglove just let Arthur go to the bathroom to use a toilet? I mean, you mention a bathroom in this chapter so she must have one. Sure, she's wary of him and all that, but if she's not wary enough to go upstairs and just leave him alone downstairs, surely she'd not be wary enough to let him use her bathroom? I don't know, it just seems a little odd to me.
Something else I found a little strange here was Foxglove's reaction to Arthur when he finally reappeared. I understand that she wants him to think she's indifferent towards him, and she wants to convince herself of that too to some degree, but she seemed extremely indifferent. The guy had disappeared for hours, she thought he was dead, and then he just rocks up and she's like 'eh'. I'm not saying you should get her to show her external relief to see that he's back and he's okay, but just show some more interest internally, y'know? At the moment she doesn't really have any reaction to him, so whether it's good or bad, I want something!
One final thing I want to mention is one of my previous critiques, which is the whole fast-paced narrative. Things still are moving a bit too fast for me. The main problem this is causing at the moment is that I'm finding it difficult to feel much of a connection to your characters, because I don't feel like I know them as well as I should. I don't feel like I've had enough time to form an attachment, y'know? I did talk about this in my last review so I won't ramble on about it here, but it is something I think you should consider tweaking.
And that's all I have, I think! Of all the chapters I've read so far, this is definitely one of my favourites. I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter to find out what Arthur is up to, and I love how this story could go anywhere now. With some tweaking here and there, I think you could have a brilliant story here.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
“He's dead, the hunters found him and they've killed him.” Comma splice. I think a semicolon would work best here.
“I let any thoughts of Arthur move into the darkest parts of my mind, I shut them away to prevent myself from feeling disappointed.” Your second “I” makes this sentence a comma splice. “I” should be “and” and it would work perfectly.
“I walk away from the back door where I was waiting for him and I enter the kitchen.” Wow. She waited there standing for an entire hour? I almost forgot that actually. Maybe add a detail to illustrate how much time had passed? For example: “I walk away from the back door, my feet aching from the wait, and enter the kitchen.”
“It's a small room with an oven, two counters and a third one which the little bar fridge sits on.” Perhaps this sentence could be worded more clearly. Example: “It’s a small room with an oven, two open counters and a third one which…”
“There is no sink in the kitchen, I have to use the one in the bathroom.” Comma splice. As you have probably guessed, I’m partial to semicolons.
“All traces of Arthur disappear as I wipe the table clean.” I like the finality of how you worded this. Of all traces of him disappearing. It’s actually emotionally impacting.
“The damp cloth scrunches up as I grip it tight…” “Tight” should be “tightly” since you’re using it as an adverb.
“Even though it's only been two nights since things went weird,…” First of all, I think you should replace the phrase “went weird”. It’s a little confusing and well… just a little weird. Secondly, it’s been two nights since what happened? Since she found Arthur? Does that mean that a day has passed between now and the previous paragraph? If so, I usually mark the time progression with either a larger space than usual or a divider.
“…I should be outside by now, I should be gardening.” Comma splice.
“I pick myself up and throw the spray and cloth onto the ground, then I run outside as fast as I can.” I’m not sure her frustration warrants her running outside as fast as she can. Perhaps hurrying, but not running as fast as she can.
“I recall my carer telling my six year old self to copy the flowers, to be beautiful to like them.” “Carer”? Is that a word? I’m not sure. I’ve never heard someone use the word ‘carer’ before. Perhaps “caretaker” would be more appropriate.
“I tend to the plants for about an hour, confiding in them, telling them about my memories and worries. It's after that hour that he comes back.” I like this. It shows more of Foxglove’s more vulnerable, softer side. Secondly, I think “It’s after that hour…” should be moved to it’s own paragraph for emphasis.
“ "Sorry I took a while, the hunters chased me." ” Comma splice.
“He sounds so calm as he says it, like it's perfectly okay to disppear for two hours and leave people thinking you're dead.” Disappear is spelled wrong. I’m not sure I like the “you’re” in here. You know, the whole issue with 2nd person POV. Perhaps find a way to rephrase it?
“He shrugs and stands behinds me, I can see his shadow looming over my body.” Comma splice. I’m actually starting to feel sorry for pointing these out.
“ "I cleaned up the house, you left." ” Comma splice…
“I use my fingers to dig around a weed. The dirt seeps into my every nook and cranny on my hand that it can find. The tips of my fingers hurt as the dirt pushes under my nails.” Great description of her frustration/irritation.
“ "Does that mean I'm not welcome anymore? Because I think that I want to stay. And be your friend." ” Wow. For a banished, he is certainly very forward. And very laid-back as well.
“His shadow is getting shorter, he's kneeling down behind me.” Comma splice.
“He laughs, I feel his breath on my face.” Comma splice.
“ "Everyone needs a friend." ” Arthur beginning to speak should begin in a new paragraph.
“Arthur envelopes me in a hug before I can react.” Holy crap. He has quite the personality.
“I look him in the eyes and suddenly feel calm and peaceful. I suddenly like the way he's holding onto me.” Uh oh!
“I think it's because I've never been hugged before, I think it's because I'm enjoying it.” Comma splice.
“But then I realise it's because he's holding a strange smelling, wet rag against my nose.” OH NO. I had developed a weird feeling about him when he hugged her!
“I realise that I'm being drugged…” I’m fairly certain you don’t need her to say “I realize that I’m being drugged” because the readers already know it, judging from the strange-smelling cloth.
Wow! I love this cliffhanger! Great chapter!
WOAH. Awesome ending!!
This totally changes things. I am SO looking forward to your next chapter!
Still love Arthur. Still love Foxglove.
Nothing I have to say about content. It's great.
Few conventions:
I've noticed you tend to use commas where you should be using semi-colons.
For instance,
Edit
"Sorry I took a while, the hunters chased me."
^
;
There are better examples in other chapters, but you get the point. Try to avoid run-on sentences.
Also,
But then I realise it's because
"realise" should be spelled "realize".
Loving this series and can't wait to read more. Hope this helped!
~iron.n