Stupid Heart [Part 1]

I don’t understand… I don’t get it at all. Aren't we all social beings? When we’re lonely, don’t we look for people to keep us company? When we’re sad, don’t we look for someone we can cry on? When we’re hopeless, don’t we look for someone we can lean on? You know you could’ve found that in us – in me. I would have stayed – I would have stayed even more than I did. I wouldn't have left your side even for a moment. I won’t care, no matter what they say. Let them think what they want, but I would have stuck to you like glue. You wouldn't be able to get rid of me easily.

It’s too late now though, isn't it? No matter how much I ramble on, no matter how much I vent, nothing will make it right. Nothing will give you back to me. Nothing will give you back to us.

You and I, we met years ago. It was an unusual meeting, don’t you think? It was during a gaming tournament. You and your guild were surprised – a girl at a castle siege event? That was rare. Sure, there were female players, but you guys didn't think that one of them would actually show up in person, did you? We began funny enough – we were rivals. For some reason, you always kept your eye on my character, trying to block my way whenever I destroyed whatever barrier your crew set up. Much to your surprise, my team still won, with me being hailed as the MVP. You wondered how that happened, right? I guess that’s why we came round to exchanging e-mails to the point of that we were going on voice chat for hours at a time. We were no longer rivals, no matter what the stupid dares we’d bark at each other are – we were now the closest of friends.

Slowly but surely, despite the friendly atmosphere going on between us, I found myself thinking about you differently… it felt as if I began harboring feelings for you as more than a friend. You were witty, kind, generous, and much more. It was crazy! Still, I knew… I knew you liked someone else. I could see it in your eyes. Whenever the topic of love came up, whenever you spoke about her… something just felt different. It was like more life emanated in your eyes – it was an expression that never appeared when it was just you and me. I was simply your friend you liked to hang out with. As much as I burned that into my head, it still hurt, it still made me feel jealous.

You know what the most amazing thing about that girl is? She’s been my gaming partner for the longest time. That girl you liked, she was one of my best friends.

We began hanging out as a trio, rather than the duo it usually was. I felt more and more out of place, like I was just squeezing myself in. As much as I tried to give you both more space, you’d either stop and wait for me to catch up or go back and sling your arm over me – you said to never be left behind. Honestly though… I’d rather be left behind then and there than see scenes unfolding in front of me – scenes and feelings I knew would never be mine. Still, I was there. Still, I struggled to smile despite the ache throbbing in my heart. I was sure then. I was sure that if I hung around even more, then maybe my jealousy would reach its peak. I should get away somehow – get away until I manage to throw this fondness for you out of the window.

So I did.

It was simple enough. I told you lies as to why I can’t join in the movie marathons, why I can’t watch the concert – why everything. I just had to get away. I didn't want to ruin my friendship with the two of you, especially since I knew you both were getting more and more into each other as the days passed by. I just needed to sit down, take a breather, and force myself to face the truth that being friends is the farthest we could ever be. I said it’ll be okay. I said nothing would change.

Things did change, however, when you both became an official couple.

Everyone was happy for the both of you. As for me, I’d lie if I said I wasn't hurt, but still, I was happy. If she was what made that bright smile of yours become even brighter, then so be it, I won’t intrude. I’ll be content as friends, so long as you’re always cheerful. I’ll be pleased just to watch from the side lines…

But that wasn't the case the more time you were together. What happened, instead, was that I found myself in the center of conflict.

Apparently, my best friend – your girlfriend, was suspicious. She’d stare at us whenever we walked together in the backyard, she’d breathe down my neck should I ask you to have a game of badminton – heck, I even found out she’d delete messages I sent you even though it was all innocent talk! My best friend slowly descended the stairs of jealousy and possessiveness, of which both of us were affected. I don’t know why it ended up that way, but it did. In an attempt to reconcile everything, we began to talk less than we already have. We barely conversed, we barely played, we barely hung out – we basically treated each other as if we were never close friends. We acted as if… as if we were only acquaintances. As if we were merely acquaintances.

I missed you, you know. It felt hollow to go online to see that you didn't send me a funny meme or gif – that you didn't even say hi. No matter. It was for the better good of us all, right? If we kept our distance… it’d all fall back to place. Never mind what we had to sacrifice, if it made your relationship work smoother, then I say let us be distant. We’ll get over it…

That. That thought never came true. I couldn't get over it.

I kept myself busy. I did things left and right: hung out with other friends, worked a lot more for my club, and went around town to get interviews with prominent people for the college paper, but still I thought of you. Still, I wanted to talk to you.

I didn't know what happened at the time, but rumors circulated within our group of friends – that you and she broke up. I was surprised! I knew she was abusive, shall the word fit, but you were so love drunk that I never thought one of you would give up on the relationship. Do you want to know what surprised me the most? Here it is.

I was surprised to hear that you were that one that broke up with her.

I wondered why. Could you have been fed up? Could she have driven you crazy? Was she making you distant from anyone else aside from me? I didn't know, but I wanted to. Then the realization hit me – we could talk again! Forget the unspoken agreement – I had reason to sneak in a greeting! That day, I texted you to ask if you were free to meet up with me. Shortly after, I received your reply. You said yes.

I was nervous. What if I ran out of things to talk to you about? What if that period of distance made us utterly awkward? What if we could barely look at each other, much less talk? So many what ifs, yet all of them disappeared when I saw you standing under that street lamp near Seven Eleven, waiting for me. I don’t know what came over me, but as soon as I saw you, I made a run for it. Maybe it was the sound of my footsteps, maybe it was feeling of the wind brushing past us, maybe it was even the cat that jumped down from the concrete wall, but you… you turned to your side and saw me. That moment, that time I was close enough to reach for you, I leapt forward to hug you and you… you caught me.

That moment will most likely be one of my best memories.

We went inside the convenience store and bought snacks to eat while we talk. As soon as we sat down, without having to say anything, you answered the question that was going round and round in my mind.

Yes, you broke up with her.

I didn't push on the issue for I saw sadness behind your eyes. I changed the subject to just about you. I wanted to know what I missed. I wanted to know what your new favorite song was… I wanted to know anything, really anything just to feel connected to you once again. You perked up, probably because of the diversion, and eventually we started hanging out again. The thing was though… the more we were together, the more I felt something was off. It didn't feel like the same sunny atmosphere we always had. I attributed it to the break up at first, but down the line, I realized it would have been too long if it were only that.

That was when I confronted your family and found out the truth.

That day… the reason you broke up with her… it was because you find out you were dying. It was AIDS. I was stunned to the core when I found out – it couldn't have been from my friend, it would've been HIV otherwise and also, I knew she was clean. As far as I knew, you weren't into drugs, so drug injections were out of the picture. That was when your family told me about that scar on your arm…

As HIV could be spread by blood, they explained that on your way home once, you ran into unexpected trouble. They said you were passing by a single, elderly man’s house when two men ran out of the property carrying heavy looking bags. They said you told them you sensed something was wrong and ran after them. That, honestly, was one of the worst choices you made. They went on to tell me that one of them was holding a bloody knife and managed to slice you on the arm, explaining that scar I never really bothered to ask about. I honestly thought it was from a childhood accident. The thing is… police found the old man dead, lying in a pool of his own blood. The sad thing was he had AIDS. They said it could be hard to detect, since early symptoms only appear for a short while. They said they never thought their son had to carry something this heavy upon his shoulders.

I felt weak. That meant I could lose you again, just when things were going right. It meant that this time around, we may not be able to see each other permanently…

Why?

Your parents and I were sitting in the living room when you came back home. You were shocked to see me there, much more with a sullen look on my face. At first you were confused, but knowing how fast you were at picking things up, you managed to put two and two together. You knew I found out the truth.

I was angry. I was sad. I was annoyed! I was a mix of emotions that shouldn't be present all at once – I was a mess of thoughts. Why did you never say anything? Why did you attempt to hide your condition from us? Just why?

You took me by the hand and walked me out to your front lawn. It was hard for either one of us to talk. I could feel your eyes set on me while mine were fixed on the ground. I was racking my brain for what to say, for what to do. That, however, wasn't needed. In one swift motion, you managed to bring the tears I've forced back to come out. You hugged me, your arms around tight. You said sorry, sorry that you hid this fact from the rest of us. I didn't know what to respond. I wanted to vent out, but that would have been too much, considering what you’re already going through. All that I could do left was wrap my arms around you too and promise to myself… promise that I’d stay with you through all this hardship you have to face.