Flawed [Edited]

It doesn't matter for how long a person has been gone from your side. It doesn't matter if you knew them all your life. What matters is the time you spent with them, the time you can never really claim again. The closest you can get to relive those moments are through photographs and memories, but even then, they aren't as comforting as the real thing. Sometimes, you just plop down on the couch and realize – I miss this person. I miss them so much. That’s one feeling no one would really want to experience. Sure, it makes the heart grow fond and makes you jump in glee when you see the person again; however, that isn't always the case.

As for me, I will be stuck with this feeling for what I know as eternity. Perhaps it’ll change, perhaps it won’t, but as of right now, missing her will always be a feeling my heart will keep.

What makes it worse is that the distance between us was a choice she made. It wasn't through a fight – at least, not a fight between us. It was because of a huge confrontation between her and my family. For my sake, she chose to leave. That’s what I want to believe.

I know her as the type of person who would put someone else before herself. It’s a well-known fact among our mutual friends. Once, as we were walking down the street, she became hungry. What we did was we looked around for a cheap food stall or convenience store. Neither of us left our rooms with much money at the time, so we had to do with what we had. Eventually, we found a seven-eleven and went inside. She bought herself a hot dog and bottle of soda. As we got out, she noticed a lonely man sitting on the cold brick of the alley. He was just there, sitting on a bag which seemed worn down, shivering. She was hungry, but she went to his side and handed her snack to him. I could see the man look up in surprise – no one really paid much attention to those who seemed destitute. She hugged him good-bye and went back to me. All that she said was that she’d pay me later on when we get back to her hotel room.

I bet that homeless looking man looked up to her at that time. At that point in his life, someone who didn’t know him looked at him, realized his position, and aided him in even the smallest way possible. That’s the same for me. At the time I was alone, the days where I felt like I wanted to give up, she came into my life and turned everything upside down. She found me. Those days I cried myself to sleep were slowly fading away into the darkest part of my memory and instead, new memories full of bright hope for the future came in, all thanks to her.

We first met at a conference her college held at a city far from mine, which required air travel to get to. She was one of the student managers of the event while I was a quiet girl, hiding behind everyone else. No one paid attention to me – at least, not at first. She spotted me, eventually, and shook my hand. I stiffened because I never anticipated it. I only ever get physical with my set of friends back at home. Throughout the conference, I had a hard time focusing as not only was I having difficulty connecting to the issue, but also because my mind was drifting elsewhere – at my house. I wondered how my siblings would cope about not having me there, about not having me to slave drive. Needless to say, the conference ended without me learning anything. Everyone shook hands and when I was going to make my way out the door, she came over to me and shook my hand again. She gave me a smile and said a thank you before heading out the door. I was so surprised with her that I didn't notice the paper in my hand – she must have planned that from the start. I was scared, thinking that it was a way to tell me off for not listening, but it wasn't. I remember the contents of that ripped notebook paper:

Everyone has their off days and problems. If you’d like, you can talk to me. You’re too beautiful for the demons to plague over. Don’t lend them your ears, okay? I’m here. - Anika

Her contact number and email address were written at the end of the note. For the first time in public, I found myself rushing out of a room to go and hide in a bathroom. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I brought my sleeve up. She noticed what I tried so hard to conceal all this time. Maybe she spotted it earlier, maybe she felt it with her fingers during the first handshake, maybe it was in my eyes – I don’t know. I don’t know how she found out, I just knew she did and that she cared. As if on cue, the next person who came into the bathroom was Anika. She didn't say anything at all – one look at my face and the rolled up sleeve, she already threw herself on me and hugged me tight. I didn't know her, but I felt my arms wrap around her body as well as I continued to cry. Anika didn't say anything, she merely stayed and rubbed my back.

That’s how we met. After that, I contacted her, added her personal information on my phone, and requested to be her friend on Facebook. I found myself waiting for her to go online, found myself smiling when we finally get to talk. No matter what she had to do, she managed to find time to squeeze me in her schedule. We became close over time and eventually, she’d sometimes fly over to my city to hang out with me and some friends I've introduced her to. We all found her cool and wanted her around all of the time.

Then one day, I had to learn that all good things come to an end.

We went out with my close friends to celebrate my birthday. For some reason which I wholly understand why now, you guys chose to get a kid’s party theme for the day. You all said that for the day, I would be like Cinderella when she was dressed in her beautiful gown, having the time of her life at the prince’s ball while you lot would be the trusty birds and mice. Minus the gown, you all really did give me a really fun birthday. We went to the festival just a few streets away – you all miraculously managed to get me a goldfish. We ate at the grill-a-thon during the night, and rode some carnival rides that were set up. I loved every one of it, especially the time we were in the Ferris wheel. That was my absolute favorite. I don’t know if you all planned for it but at the time we were inside, the fireworks appeared on the sky, appearing as beautiful colors that lit up the night sky.

When all of you walked me home, however, everything perfect went down the drain. At the moment Anika stepped inside my house, my eldest sister stormed out of the kitchen and slapped her across the cheek. I remember our reactions so vividly – everyone was appalled, our faces were variations of the scream. One of us gripped my sister’s hand as I struggled to pull her away. You merely stood there and felt your cheek with your palm.

“You stay away from my sister! Ever since you came along, everyone in this house has been having a hard time! Even Lisa’s becoming distracted with her studies!”

At the first two lines, you were indifferent, but when she said the third, your expression changed to surprise.

“She’s been struggling to keep up with her requirements and scholarship all because she’s been distracted by you! Every time, I would find her hogging the laptop to talk to you!”

That face you made then, it reminded me of something. It reminded me of me. It reminded me of the time I was lost before you found me. It looked like you were looking at me, but I could tell that your mind was drifting somewhere far away. It didn't dawn upon me at the time, but now I understand.

Could it be that you've went through what I did? Were you also once in a spot that you felt so helpless? Was that why you were always smiling? Was that why you were wise and kind? Were you also once as lonely as I was?

Now I understand. If that had been the case, memories of those bad days may have replayed in your head.

You smiled at my sister, then took your phone out of your pocket.

“I didn't know, Trisha, and I’m sorry for that.”

That’s how you began. That’s when you started disassembling your phone to get your sim card.

“And I’m willing to fix all of that.”

You pulled out your sim card from your phone and broke it in two with a snap. Whatever remained of the once useful memory chip, you placed on our floor.

“Now, I dare you to do the same.”

You were looking at my sister, staring her straight in the eye with a seriousness I've never seen from you before.

“Have you never seen how your sister has been trying so hard to make you appreciate her? She’s been doing most of your bidding – she’s even done work which you should be doing. Even then, you never even came to her, or even called her, to say thank you. Do you know how much a difference that makes?”

You sighed and turned your back to us.

“I’ll leave and you won’t hear from me again. That’s what you want to happen, right? I just hope that I can trust you to fix your mistakes.”

Without saying another word, you walked out of our door. I remember I stumbled on my feet and scrambled out the door to make my way to you. You were gone from the front yard so fast that I assume you must have ran. You were running from something horrible, like I did before. I could see the resemblance between the two of us so much, except this time, the roles were reversed.

You helped me, so I wanted to help you too.

When I finally reached you, we were already at the intersection by the street lamp. I called out and you stopped in your tracks. As I panted there for breath, you never turned around. I remember I asked why you were going to leave. I remember I promised I’d do better in school and handle my study hours better. I even remember I promised not to whine to you much about my life anymore, but you never stirred. The only time you did was when I asked you why you were running away, why she resorted to that decision right away when I was there willing to help you.

You turned around and your eyes were puffy. That was the first time I ever saw you cry and yet you still forced yourself to smile.

“You’re right. I am running away,” you began. “And I may be a coward. You could help me but I’m not letting you, right?”

You walked over to where I was and held my shoulders.

“Maybe I've got my own problems to solve right now, but as for you…” you grinned. “We both know what your sister and other family members feel. I don’t want to intrude into any of your lives like that. I know they may get used to our friendship in time, but Lisa, the fact remains that when I walked into your life – your business, it didn't exactly work out for the best. Maybe sometime, maybe in the future, we can start over again, but right now, I realize I need to battle my own demons before I can truly help you fight yours.”

I told you we didn't have to fight alone but you gave me another one of those knowing smiles.

“We aren't alone, Lisa. You've got your friends and family.”

You stressed the final word. I cringed.

“We both have our friends and family. No matter how harsh they are to you, they still want to look out for what’s best for you, just like your sister. It may not have come out right, but she was worried about your future at school. Right now, it might just not be time. I need time for myself, I realize that now. I can’t find happiness merely by helping other people through their own problems. I have to overcome my own and only then will I really be able to help anyone wholeheartedly.”

Even though I wanted to contradict you even more at the time, I learned from you to respect other people’s views and decision, so I respected yours. Now, I’m not too sure if I regret backing out or not. I wish I fought more, but I didn't want to make you feel strangled either. I can’t lie to myself though, ever since then, I've felt a little bit lonelier – not as much as I was before when I numerously tried to take my own life, but lonely because a part of me felt missing. It’s a part you took with you when you left.

It might make you happy to know that you were right – I have my friends and family. For a long time, I've always just referred to my house just as a house, now, it’s my home. I understand now. I understand that my perspective of things go a long way. I have everyone I need in my life right now – except one, and that’s you. Now, I promised. I promised myself I’d take you back, no matter how long it takes.

I miss you, Anika. I want you back. I want to see you again.

Please come back. I know you’re doing great right now – you have a wonderful personality and that could only be shaped by the wonderful people around you. Please, let me be in that great circle again. I want your friendship back. I want you back.

Let’s meet each other again.

Moreover, this time, this time I’m sure. We’re both stronger people now.

Flawed, but definitely stronger and beautiful.