A/N: Hey guys, I played around with this a bit. I don't really use second person POV -- actually, I think this may be the first time. I figured I might as well try it out, so go wild and rip it apart if you want to! It's not something I'm used to using, but hey, constructive criticism will help me get better! Without further ado, here's "A Normal Night".
********
The sky is dark and the room is freezing. You left the air conditioner on high again, but you don’t mind – you invite the cold. It’s pleasant to be wrapped up in a comforter anyway. You check the time. It’s near midnight and all the lights are off, just like how you prefer it to be, save for a few sources like your cellphone and computer.
You know you need to sleep soon, as your eyes are getting heavier by the minute – you figure you partied too much earlier on this day. It’s Halloween after all, and no one would bust you for going wild – even your parents are out tonight, as they had somewhere they needed to be, which was most likely your uncle’s place since they’d been invited to have drinks with the older relatives. You relish in the idea of having the whole house to yourself for the night. Sneaking in a drink or two? Not a problem – you’re the master, so you can do anything, but you’re not that type. You’d rather have a quiet time by yourself in your room, checking out what’s happening on social media websites like Twitter, Facebook, and perhaps other sites your friends aren’t even aware of.
You are in front of your computer, reading a story you found in one of the less popular sites. You continue to read, getting distracted time to time due to the music you’re playing on YouTube or because of the random chat box that appeared on Facebook, but nonetheless you continue, for you are intrigued what it is about. Well, you’re still not far into it, as your eyes are betraying you right at this moment. Your mind wanders off, wondering if you closed all the doors in windows, but you decide you’ll just check later – a few more minutes on the internet will be okay, right? Besides, you’re determined to finish this thing you’re reading.
Alas, that is not the case. You’re extra sleepy now, and you’re barely keeping yourself awake. It’s time to get some sleep, but first you must turn off the computer and check that everything, the windows and doors, is locked – your parents surely will call you once they’re at the front door after all. As you were about to shut down the PC, something caught your eye. You told yourself just a while ago that you had enough for the night, but curiosity got the best of you. You got around to checking it, but soon, everything turns dark.
********
You wake up in what seemed like a pitch black room. You hear rustling sounds here and there, as well as some distant voices. Your skin crawled as you realize this place was eerie and unfamiliar – this wasn’t what you were used to at all. You feel around for anything that might be of service to you, like a flashlight or lighter. Thankfully, as you continued to thoroughly check on the rough stone floor, you managed to pick up a flashlight. You turn it on and realize you are in a basement. Quietly, you stand up and explore your surroundings – dusty shelves there on the right, old furniture to the left, some paint cans scattered everywhere, and other things which reminds you of a movie revolving around an unfortunate soul’s kidnapping. Hold on.
Were you kidnapped?
Dread overcomes you and you panic to find the exit. Unfortunately, there is only one – the door to the far left. You think – will it be better to take the chance and run out, or should you stay put and wait for someone to come? Soon, you gulp, for what you learned in horror movies is that if you wanted to save yourself, then you have to rely on no one. There is only you.
You walk on over to the door and place your hand on the knob. Frightening things enter your mind, but you know that now is not the time. You slowly turn the knob, trying to build confidence within yourself, but something stops you – there is a giant spider you that is descending slowly to your side. A muffled cry escapes your lips as you whack it out of the way. Stupid spider, you think, yet it still sent a few shivers up your spine.
This place is creepy as hell.
You open the door and find yourself in a dimly lit hallway. You gently close it when you spot someone standing at the living room across you. The figure comes closer and closer – you hold your breath, waiting patiently as he comes. You wish to run but the fear has numbed your legs. You notice he is actually quite a handsome young man, but still he seems off – he seems… almost lunatic. He draws his face close to yours.
“Tell me what you fear. Tell me all the things that make you scream…” his slender fingers curl the hair by your ear. “Tell me everything I want to know.”
That look in his eyes, they scare you. It was so intense that you felt he was pulling away your soul. On reflex, you slap the man across the face and run away. You do not know exactly where, but you knew you had to run, for if you stayed, something horrible may have happened to you, be it getting raped or killed.
You went into what seemed to be another lounging area. You look around and find some windows. Good, you think, now you only need to open them and run away. Unfortunately, nothing is as easy as it seems. They were all jammed shut, no matter how hard you tried to pull. Out of desperation, you grab the lamp which was on the side table and is about to break the glass, when a voice sends your mind screaming.
“It isn’t nice to slap someone when they want to get to know you.”
You throw the lamp at him and escape, making your way to what you now figure to be the kitchen, due to all the knives on the wall and plates on the shelves. You grab the cleaver just in case you need it, and try to knock down the wooden door. Too bad it’s built very sturdy, and as much as you threw your weight on it, it wouldn’t budge.
“There is no escape now.”
The insane man appears once again, now with a butcher knife in hand. He has this big smile on him, one of delight, but not like normal delight – it was like he’s found what he’s been looking for, like you are something he’s always wanted to have. You look around and soon it made sense. Across you, just a few feet behind this stranger, there was a porcelain doll staring straight at you. You look at the other shelves – more dolls. All very lifelike, all very detailed.
“You’re next.” He chuckles.
That is the most evil sound you’ve heard in your whole life. The chills won’t help you, and neither will your shaking hands. Soon, his butcher knife finds its mark. If only you weren’t that curious.
********
You take off your headphones. That has to be one of the creepiest games you’ve played yet. You remember that you downloaded it, just to check why your friend has been dying over and over again just from the start. You knew you had a challenge ahead of you – that was to escape or perhaps kill the insane doll maker, and make it out of the terror house alive. You heard he wasn’t the only boss you had to take care of – there were more, all much more horrifying, all much more insane.
You rotate your chair and lean against it, catching the breath you so held in during the intro. That was when you felt something is wrong. Out of the corner of your eye, a glint of steel catches your attention.
…did you lock all the doors and windows?
A voice makes your heart skip a beat. You guess you just got the answer to your question.
“Game over.”
A scream escapes your lips as the figure leaps at you.
********
“…And as the narrator in Madeline says, ‘that’s all there is; there isn’t anymore’,” I said, looking at my young niece and her friend in the eye. “Now, who wants to watch some TV shows?”
“What happened to the girl, auntie? Did she die? Plus, who’s Madeline?” My niece tapped my leg.
I grinned at her. “Well, they didn’t say. She could be, but she could also be alive. As for Madeline, she’s a cartoon character. The show is named after her, the main character – kind of like Sofia the First.”
A small “ohh” left her lips and I chuckled.
“How could she be alive? The guy was going to kill her!” Her friend stood up and pretended to be the killer, acting as if she was about to stab me at any second.
“She could be a martial arts master,” my niece said. “That way, she could still be alive.”
Truth be told, I made the story right on the spot when they asked me to tell them one, but I had fun listening to all their ideas about what happened. I didn’t really want to rain on their parade.
“Anyway, that was a creepy fairy tale. Don’t they usually end up happy? It’s a scary story…”
Well, fairy tales were originally made to warn young kids, but I couldn’t tell them that. When they grow older, someone else would tell them.
“I guess so,” I said, standing up from the couch. “Well, Nikki, let’s go grab you and Andrea some snacks before we watch shows.”
“Okay!”
We went to the kitchen and I noticed the two kids trembled upon entering.
Maybe I did scare them a bit too much.
“There isn’t some crazy man who’s going to jump on any of us, girls.” I reassured them with a smile. “I made sure everything is secure.”
“That’s good…” Nikki sighed.
Soon, we were done and were sitting on the sofa, watching a few reruns of "Sofia the First". Nikki and her friend were lightly snoring, hugging on to me as they both wanted me to sit between them. I switched it to the lifestyle channel. They were airing a home renovation show. Just as the commercial appeared, I reflected a bit on the story I told them.
Well, I couldn’t tell them that maybe the guy was just a figment of the girl’s imagination, as he deeply terrified her while she was playing. Still, it wouldn’t be that much of a far cry if someone did manage to break into her house. Whatever the interpretation, it ends with the same idea – she screamed because she was taken by surprise by something or someone she feared. What about us, though?
There are tons of things we’re scared of, be it what lurks in the dark or that hairy spider on the wall, but really, there is a very real threat in our everyday society.
Us.
We may all be human, but that doesn’t mean we’re all humane. There are some that we may call “scum of the earth” or even “a demon in disguise”. Still, that doesn’t mean we should be mean to every single person we come across. We still have to shed our own lights, yet be weary of those who pretend to brighten up already dark days.
Just take heed, I guess, and be careful.
What I told them may have been the end of the story of the girl, but just remember: There’s always some warning behind lore.
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Ok jack here for a review.
I really like this story line. It kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I didn't see that ending coming. You obviously know how to write well and there isn't much I could find that was worth suggesting that you fixed it. Anyway ill give it a go. If I am wrong please tell me...
Firstly: Lots of your sentences have one or more to many commas. You need to know when it is proper to but a comma there. Or even instead but a full stop. You put a comma after you finished a thought. You but a full stop after you finish the bigger picture of that thought.
for instance.
You continue to read, getting distracted time to time due to the music you’re playing on YouTube or because of the random chat box that appeared on Facebook, but nonetheless you continue, for you are intrigued what it is about. Well, you’re still not far into it, as your eyes are betraying you right at this moment.
That's one heck of a long sentence I suggest you break it up, and take the majority of the commas out like this.
You continue to red and keep getting distracted time to time due to the music you're playing on YouTube or because of the random chat box that appeared on Facebook. Nonetheless you continue, for you are intrigued what it is all about. Well you're still not far into it, as your eyes are betraying you right at this moment.
Next.
“That’s good…” Nikki sighed. I don't think the extra dots are needed just a full stop.
Also.
As you were about to shut down the PC, something caught your eye. You told yourself just a while ago that you had enough for the night, but curiosity got the best of you. You got around to checking it, but soon, everything turns dark.
This paragraph I think personally needs re-doing.
Besides from those few mistake I found this short story was really well written. If you go through and fix your grammar this would improve so much more. Thumbs up!! you did a great job.
Jack
The detail in this story was completely breath taking. So many plot twists! It was awesome how you stayed on track with every single twist, even if it was completely different than the last scene.
I would love to know where this story came from. Just something from the top of your head?
Maybe even a sequel to what happened to the characters.. Where did the girl end up? What about the kids? The aunt?
Keep me posted, and keep up the good work.
~Aarica
Hey there! Good morning.
Yeah, haha. It was just something from the top of my head because I wanted to write a horror story since it's Halloween. This isn't the original concept though -- it's more like the "revised" of sort idea. It wasn't originally going to be light-hearted in the end, but I'm glad I stuck to it, haha. As for a sequel, I'll think about it. I'll tell you if I post one.
Thank you for the review and have a great day!
Wow. Hello fellow writer. I'm new here by the way. I went to the Greenroom like I was told and happened to stumble onto this story. I'm really glad I read it. This is really, really good. You even had my heart pounding a little bit in some parts because they took me by surprise. In all honestly, I think it's a very fun and thrilling story. I would put out the errors that I spotted throughout the story, but I think Brunnera already took care of that. Very nice job my friend! I enjoyed my first story very much!
Oh, hello! Welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy it here, I know I am! The people are very nice and welcoming. Should you have any concerns, feel free to shoot me a message.

Now, on to the story, I'm glad you liked it. This may sound crazy, but I what I enjoyed in your response the most was that your heart was pounding in some scenes. I'm glad to have gotten that reaction out of you!
Thank you for reviewing!
You're very welcome. thanks for entertaining me on such a dark and dreary day! (It's raining over here!)
Hey, Esca! It's Brunnera, le loyal reader of your novel, who was bored and decided to go to the Green Room. I'm happy to be the first reviewer! (unless if somebody else manages to write a review faster than I can)
Technical errors first, eh?
These, being the opening words to a short horror, are rather blank and too fast. What about separating them into two individual sentences? Like, "The sky is dark. The room is freezing."
"now figured"? Maybe it's "now figure"? I don't know, your tenses were pretty flawless in this story.
That shouldn't be capitalized.
I think there should be apostrophes, or the whole thing in italic form, perhaps, since it's the title of something.
There should be a comma in between.
Anyway, I guess that's all I have to point out. Let's move on to personal thoughts.
Truthfully, I think you pulled off the second-person P.O.V. really well. I don't think I spotted any tense mistakes, either.
I kind of liked how the reader can easily imagine himself as the character of your story. To be all alone on Halloween night, in an eerie house, and reading a story on a less popular site? I dunno, I love all this. It sent tingles up my spine. Perhaps coincidental, but it's late right now. I'm the only one awake. Did I lock the doors?
I found the light-hearted ending a bit of a relief. It was just a story after all. However, quite honestly, I didn't understand from when the narrator was speaking after Nikki and Andrea had gone to sleep, though. It was rather, er, unnecessary in my opinion.
Anyway, though there could have been more description, I really liked this work. Take it from a fan of horror games and jumpscares.
~Brunnera
Oh, hey Brunnera! N'aw, you're the first to review this work.


Phew! I'm glad I managed to pull if off okay. Truth be told, that light-hearted ending wasn't the original concept, but I'm pretty glad I stuck to it. Also, you pretty much made my night. I was hoping the reader would be able to put themselves in the shoes of the character, and you did! Thank you for that.
As for that ending, maybe I wasn't that smooth in transitioning it. I was trying to go back to how fairy tales were sort of warning stories than anything else, for example, how "Little Red Riding Hood" was to make the kids beware of wolves back in the middle ages, if I remember correctly. My memory might be failing me but that's roughly what it was for. Anyway, I sort of wanted it to end with a pretty good tie up with that. Hopefully I could find a better way to write it down.
Thank you for the review!