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The sun Will Rise Again: chapter one

by Swavvy123


"Muna!" 

"Ma?!"

"Munachiduto!"

Muna hurried along the bushy pathway home. She had woken up early to go to the stream and she couldn't think as to why her mother would be calling her home so soon. She stopped for a few seconds to steady the calabash filled with water on her head and continued to hurry home. Being in this village was beginning to wear her down. 

Did the fact that she was African mean she would be destined to remain a no body? She wanted to go to the city and make something of herself. She knew her mother wanted her to get married and produce children but Muna had aspirations for herself. She wanted to get work and meet a nice man. 

She rounded the bend to her home and spotted her friend from school. "Chidera!" she screamed for her friend to hear.Her scream startled the palm wine tapper not far off. He fell to the ground and Muna quickly dropped her calabash in an effort to help out. The palm wine tapper sharply picked himself up and his face was twisted into rage. "You stupid girl! Do you not know not to disturb us when we are working?" Muna apologized profusely and walked off, not walking  with her head down like she was expected to but she walked with her pride intact. She finally approached her home and walked in. "Mama! I'm back!". She dropped the pot and walked towards the small living room they had. 

Her home was small and not exactly a very elegant one but she didn't mind. It  was neat and comfortable and there was food on the table every day so she was happy. She walked quietly into the living room and stopped short when she saw her sister Zimife, her mum and an unfamiliar person. "Muna nwam. Bia!" (Muna my child, come.) 

Muna sashayed into the room and sat down taking in the stranger's looks. "Muna this are a man from the city. He wanting to take you to..beautiful.." Her mum's English was not good and Muna knew her mum was doing this to impress the guest. It was part of the reason why she wanted to make something of herself. Her mum never went to school and all they had was from her father's left over money and the little her mother earned from trading. No matter how much she loved her mum, she did not want to her life to be like that. 

"My name is Mr.Ikechukwu, I am the director of the Island's minor beauty pageant. I have been looking for new girls to complete the list of twenty and I think you are just what we are looking for. Of course I understand if you would want to decline but I do think this would be a great opportunity for you. Take my card. If you are interested, give me a call." Muna eyed this man and frowned. She spoke through gritted teeth. "Sir, I am not interested thank-" before she could finish, her mum landed a hot slap on her cheek stunning Muna and the guest. "I bu onyara? Gwaya si I cho ya kita" (Are you mad? Tell him you want this now) Muna's eyes filled with tears. "Sorry mama but I have goals for my life and this is just not one of them". Excusing herself, she got up and ran down to the only comfort zone she knew.

She met her best friend Emeka down at the local shack where he met for drinks with friends and did a bit of betting. She walked down to where he was telling a joke and called his attention. He turned around and upon seeing her, without words he knew she was hurting and pulled her into a hug. "I heard. Zimife was quite excited and told me when I came by your house this morning." Muna weeped into his shoulder and he held her there. No words were needed. Right now, he knew his friend was hurt and he was going to comfort her with every bit of his being.

.


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30 Reviews


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Fri Sep 19, 2014 7:27 pm
Swavvy123 says...



hi guys. I'm reviewing my work again. I've corrected the spelling mistakes and paragraphing so the story is way better now. thanks for all the advice. If you find a problem you feel I should correct, please let me know.




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Thu Sep 18, 2014 1:39 pm
Swavvy123 says...



Hey. I'm writing about my work gain. Many people have been telling me about the spelling mistakes and lack of paragraphs. I did correct them and use paragraphs but they didn't save. There isn't much I can do about that. It's the same thing that happened with the poem I wrote. Thanks for your comments but please try and understand.




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Thu Sep 18, 2014 6:51 am
EscaSkye wrote a review...



I like how you started so far! It makes me see parts of Muna's world and how she copes with it. Like what umbrella said though, I think you should proofread this work. Once you get the typos out of the way, it'd be a whole lot better! I know you managed to work on those but somehow, they didn't save. Just in case, I'll help you by listing some of the off parts here, aside from those umbrella wrote.

Muna hired along the bushy pathway home.

I'm not quite sure if "hired" is the right term to use here. You might want to use some other word.

She stopped for a few seconds to steady the calabash filled with water on her head and Continued to hurry home Being in this village was beginning to wear her down.

First, make the beginning letter on "Continued" into a small "c". Next, I think you may be missing punctuation before "Being". I think it may have been a period or a hyphen.

Did the fact that she was African mean she would be destined to remain a no body?

I think the right way to write that is "nobody".

He fell to the ground and Muna quickly dropped her calabash quickly in an effort to help out.

You used "quickly" twice. You can remove one of them.

She quickly del Ed the pot and walked towards the small living room they had.

I'm not too sure what you meant to write instead of "del Ed". Just thought I'd list it here too.

Her home as neat and comfortable and thee was food on the table every day so she was happy.

"thee" should have been "there".

My name is Mr.Ikechukwu, I am the director of the Island minor's beauty pageant.

I think you meant "island's minor".

excusing herself, she got up and ran down to the only comfort zone she knew.

Capitalize the "e".

Right now, he knew her friend was hurt and he was going to comfort her with every bit of his being.

The first "her" should be "his".

A few other things I want to take note of that you tend to use "quickly" a lot. Perhaps you could use synonyms! Another would be that the first paragraph seems intimidating to read, considering it's a whole block of text. Maybe you can dissect those into different paragraphs.

Overall, I'm interested in this tale you're about to tell. Don't worry about the things I've listed. Just do a look over and I'm sure you can spot everything else I might've missed! Good luck and keep writing! :)




Swavvy123 says...


Thanks. I did use paragraphs but again the save and edit thingy erased them. I also corrected the mistakes but they didn't save. It's very frustrating when previewing. The del ed there was actually dropped but the auto correct changed it. Thanks for your comment



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Tue Sep 16, 2014 5:23 pm
Swavvy123 says...



I guess I can comment my own piece. I'm African specifically Nigerian. This piece is quite personal to me because the main character and I share quite a it in common. The ending of the story is very unpredictable so I hope you keep reading. It elaborates on her displeasure at the stereotypical image of Africans and she's wants to make a big difference. It talks about how lust and wickedness in people destroyed a young girls dreams.
Hope you enjoy it.




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Mon Sep 15, 2014 8:53 pm
littleking wrote a review...



Hey there, cool piece :) I love the cultural aspect of it. One thing, though is that you may want to give it a quick once over, there are a few simple typos and punctuation mistakes here and there that take away from it a tad.

Some specifics:

"Her mum's english was not good and Muna knew her mum was doing this t impress the guest. It was part of the reason why she wanted to make something of herself. Her mum never went to school and all the had was from her father's left over money and the little her mother earned from trading. No matter how much she loved her mum, she did not want to her life to be like that."
- There's a little bit of pronoun confusion here, the way you go back and forth saying "her mum", "her", and "she" to address both Muna and her mother is a little hard to follow at some points. I know it is hard when you are talking about two female characters, but that part could still be smoothed out a little.

"She walked down to where he was telling a joke and called his attention."
- This part stood out to me. In one sentence you are able to instantly display a humourus side of this character, good job :)

I like the main character already, she is very strong and I'm interested to see what she does with herself. At this point, there are so many directions this could go, so I can't make many predictions, but I am looking forward to reading more :D




Swavvy123 says...


Thanks so much. I did correct the typos but I guess it didn't save.



littleking says...


Haha no worries :)




The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay