She never felt the dagger pierce
The surface of her skin.
She never heard the cries of friends
Yell for her to win.
She focused on the task at hand,
Fighting for her life.
.
She did not look forward to it,
But death was inevitable.
Embracing the last few seconds of freedom
Before the start of school again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello.
I didn't see any indication the first stanza is meant to be a metaphor, and it reads like an actual poem about self harm. That made me look two or three times at the "humour" classification of the poem, because I was wondering how in the world a poem about self harm that led to a life threatening situation could be humorous.
Then I read the second stanza, read the whole poem again, and realized it was a metaphor.
Unfortunately, the metaphor didn't do as well as it could have. You start off very solid, and you only reveal the metaphor at the very end. A metaphor that solid means people don't see it as a metaphor, which, in turn, can come across as squirm-worthy for those who legitimately do struggle with everything in the first stanza. It can trivialize those issues, which isn't very nice.
I'd personally establish the metaphor sooner, so we don't have a reveal till the very end. Just some clues early on that shows "this is about something else". You can keep the humour with the plot twist, but it'd be a lot more comfortable to read if we got hints this wasn't about self harm/suicide.
Overall, this could be better. It's an interesting and very accurate premise, but it's a tad too accurate for me to really get the humour out of it.
Let me know if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey
Yeah, I'm actually sightly ashamed of it. I will probably unpublished it.
This seems to be either an analogy of the courage you work up to inhabit an enviroment as redundant and mundane as school culture or a more personal activity being attended to. Either way, it is an interesting little peice. The form of the poem is just fine, but some of the sentences either dont seem to fit at all or in part. For example, "fighting for her life seems to break your thought stream in half. Another example is saying yell for her to win. I would sughest called for her to win in keeping with the perspective. The grammer is tight and it does seem to have potential. Just take a lookover. Hope this helped. Keep it up!
No idea where this came from...
This might make no sense.