Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

I remember that one time...

by AdmiralKat


I remember, 

When my teachers told me,

That I was as cute as can be,

But they didn’t know,

About the monster inside me. 

.

I remember,

When my friends told me,

That I was innocent.

Have they checked

My internet history?

.

I remember,

When my cat thought,

That I was his hero, 

What he didn’t know was that,

I had drowned his brother.

.

I remember ,

When I thought

That I was good.

But that was before

I met him.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 110
Reviews: 30

Donate
Wed Nov 26, 2014 12:00 am
musicandme wrote a review...



Incredible. I could stop here but I won't. Honestly though, this was well done, well done! The mood you created here was very unique me that ending line of yours hit me hard with emotions. I know how it feels to be crushed by a boy and have him look down upon yourself. Also in the scenarios above, they didn't relate to me, but I have close friends who are exact images of the stanzas. That's the thing about poetry is that I can connect you with someone and share a mindset of similarities. This was just great and I hope I can see some of your future work!

There were no flaws at all so yay you! Please keep writing! I enjoy works!




AdmiralKat says...


I love the different ways that everyone takes this >.<



User avatar
813 Reviews


Points: 28451
Reviews: 813

Donate
Sun Aug 10, 2014 4:09 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey there, Katya! I'm here to review for the poetry exchange.

I feel like this poem doesn't really talk about the main issue in the poem. Which is only mentioned once in the poem. In fact, in the very last line. With a protagonist (narrator) and an antagonist ("him"), the piece is often more interesting when it focuses on the struggle between the two forces, rather than the symptoms of the "hero's downfall" you've depicted here. The thing is, a hero's downfall is interesting only when we know what caused the downfall, and all you have here is meeting the villain.

If you're interested in a major overhaul for the poem, try focusing on the struggle between the narrator and "him". How does the narrator resist/fall to temptation? How did the narrator meet "him"?

If you're not interested in a major overhaul, never fear! I have suggestions about the existing poem.

So the third stanza feels really out of place. I was reading it for the first time and was kind of shocked because it came out of left field. First you talk about teachers not seeing something bad about the narrator, then you talk about internet browsing history (none of which is really an offense, anyway), then the narrator is KILLING KITTENS?? It's quite a jump! I would change the second stanza so we can at least have something leading up to the violence in the cat stanza.

Some of your meter feels a little off. Try to keep the number of syllables in each line fairly close to each other. That might help fix it a little.

The repetition of "I remember" doesn't really do anything for the poem. It sets it up for flashbacks, but why can't the narrator live in the present? The narrator is very stuck in what she/he/xe has done, and I think that a fresh, present tense perspective would improve this poem. Or at least be an interesting experiment :)

If I were you, I'd add more simile and/or metaphor, though that's your choice, and I am an imagery nut. Instead of saying that you drowned a cat, perhaps describe it? I think it might be a little more powerful that way.

I hope that this review proves useful to you! Keep writing, and happy poetry exchange!




User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 2388
Reviews: 73

Donate
Tue Jul 01, 2014 6:35 pm
Markontheworld wrote a review...



Wow a very powerful message here! You either mean the "him" being referred to awakened your bad side, or he was nicer than you. Either way I don't believe it when it comes to you Kat. No matter what mistakes you make as long as you have some remorse you're a good person in my book. You obviously do by the way, have remorse. After all you wrote this poem. Can't wait to read more of your work! =^_^=




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks for reviewing! :D This doesn't refer to me but well....kind of to me but not much...



User avatar
151 Reviews


Points: 388
Reviews: 151

Donate
Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:42 am
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



Hi, KatyaElefant. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses so we can get started. *puts on pink glasses*

I love the poem. It is very interesting. It is talking about the devil like we've chat earlier. (Well, I hope this review help the others, who will review this, to know what it is about.) The devil always get the people to think he is nice person, but he is very evil. I love to read this poem because it is dark and well-written.

However, it has few grammar errors on here. Well, the others already said it so I will leave it alone.

I love this poem. I love to read more from you. I hope you write more poems. So have a nice day!

Awesome Job! :D

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks for the review! What grammar errors! 0-0 I didn't find any (based on the others' reviews)



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 460
Reviews: 8

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 10:15 pm
cassaundra1 wrote a review...



review :D

for starters this is a great poem, the detail is good

Positives

this poem captures the readers attention, it's dark.

when I first started reading this I thought about how well it flows.

Negatives

This poem could be a bit longer.

talk more about the character not what other people think about them.

Besides that I liked the poem, the character and plot is well written.

~keep writing~




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks for the review! I might make a part two in which it talks about the character and what they did. I wanted this poem to be purely what other people thought of them(or what they once were). Again, thanks for the review!



User avatar
351 Reviews


Points: 11482
Reviews: 351

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 10:14 pm
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.

Woooo... this poem is dark and horrifying. I like it xD
It's because the girl who has horrific side to her that is oblivious to every one else.

Nitpick:
- I believe you should insert the word 'but' at the beginning of this stanza. It will make it sound more dramatic than it already is.

But that was before

I met him.


Other than that, this is a really really really great poem.
Keep it up.
I can't wait to read more of your work c:




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks so much for the review! I'll be sure to fix the nitpick!



User avatar
179 Reviews


Points: 15489
Reviews: 179

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:45 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work KatyaElefant. I certainly hope this helps!

I must say that this is an interesting poem. I am not exactly sure if I like it or not, though it is interesting. I myself don't really like romance, so that effects my impression of it. But you did do a pretty good job of building the poem as you went on.

The things I didn't like were that you filled the poems with impressions so that that reader could guess what the writer was getting at though not completely understand it and that your character seems to be putting up a screen of lies. I think that she was bad and doing things she wasn't supposed to though I am not sure. I also don't really care for romance all that much either so the end of this annoyed me.

I did find a nit-pick or two though. In-between each line you have a period or a semi-colon. I am not sure why you did this but it is a mistake I think.

Finally I liked the part of the poem that you made the title. Even though parts of the poem seemed slightly inconsistent (though I am not sure with all the confusing impressions) that was the one thing that stayed the same from beginning to end. Good job!

Overall my impression is that this was a pretty well written poem though I don't really like the character if you could call her that in a poem. Happy writing!!! :D




AdmiralKat says...


This isnt romance. XD



AdmiralKat says...


Unless you count the devil romantic, then I this isn't that. Thanks for the review!



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 299
Reviews: 10

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:43 pm
shikhandini wrote a review...



hello,shikhandini here!

Dear Katya,

your poem is short and sweet,and not to forget,that 'cat' and 'dissecting part was a little bit creepy.your poem seems to yell out he courage you have to reveal the darker side of yourself flatly before all.the language is sharp,but i felt i t needed a little more polishing to enhance the impact-just a slight finishing touch.other than that kudos to you!




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks for the review!



shikhandini says...


you are welcome



User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 3486
Reviews: 212

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:34 pm
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love.

Aurora here with a review for you.

Oh. Wow. Dark and disturbed, all right.

I like the use of 'I remember' before each verse. It has a nice ring to it.

Your first stanza was good. Nothing that I want to say about that :).

Your second stanza... I don't like the use of the words internet history. They kill the mood and distract you at the same time :).

The third stanza... ah... don't use dissected. What about drowned. Destroyed. Dissected just has a really science feel to it, and suddenly, instead of that stanza being mysterious, it becomes... clear what she did wrong.

Overall, I think this was a really nice effort. The things I pointed out were just nitpicks, really.
Keep writing, love.
Aurora




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks for the review! I'll fix be sure to fix the things. How do you think I should fix the internet thing? Could you expand on that?





Use something more mysterious. Track record, or what I've done, or something like that. Be more vague



AdmiralKat says...


Okay. I see what I can do! Thank you! :D





You're welcome, my faithful follower. Lol.



User avatar
672 Reviews


Points: 35216
Reviews: 672

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:29 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey, Icy here to review.

But what they didn’t know,

About the monster inside me.


This particular part reads a little oddly; I wonder if it could be changed to make more sense? For example, removing the 'what' would make it a whole lot more understandable straight away.

Have they checked

My internet history?

No nitpick here - just wanted to say I loved these lines!

I remember ,

When I thought

That I was good.

That was before

I met him.



As Chips said in the previous review, I felt like this stanza didn't really have anything to do with the previous section of the poem and it seemed like you had introduced a whole new concept and then gave up. If this was the main focus/message of your poem it definitely feels unfinished and you might want to try adding to it to see what else you can come up with. There's definitely potential here, but you have to keep pushing for it.

Hope this helps!
Icy.




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks for reviewing! I will be certain to try to change some things. With the last stanza though, I was trying to add the theme of what the main character is thinking about themselves or what they thought of themselves. I have noticed that I could make another poem talking about how they are evil and what they have done. What do you think? Should I make that sort of a poem?



User avatar
463 Reviews


Points: 12208
Reviews: 463

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:27 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Katya~
Before I begin my review, I just want to let you know how to get rid of those pesky periods in between your stanzas with this short, easy to follow article.

Wow, this was creepy. I really like it a lot. The idea of someone who appears innocent and- for lack of a better term- 'good' and is really not is always a captivating one though you don't often find it in poetry.

What I really wish you had done is for each stanza given us an example of something the speaker did that makes what people think incorrect. You touch on it in the second stanza, but I really like what you did in the third. The third stanza really smacks you in the face with how two faced the speaker is. I want to know what this person is searching and what makes them a monster.

As far as the fourth stanza goes, it kind of leaves me hanging. I want to know who him is! At least give us a hint, you know? What did he do to the speaker that made them turn away from being good?

As far as formatting goes, I'm a kind of against every line being capitalized. It doesn't do anything for the poem, in fact, I kind of think it works against the poem, to be honest. Here's an article that explains the importance of capitalization in poetry and when it should be used.

Then... The title lets me down too. I feel like you have *so* many options to make plays on how everyone thinks the speaker's innocent. My personal favorite right now is "My cat thinks I'm the greatest" but, you know... that's a little quirky. Maybe you should think about playing around with the title a bit, you know?

Your tone is consistent throughout. I can really appreciate the creepiness.

Let me know if you have any questions, comments, or concerns.
Keep writing,
Megs~

This review courtesy of
Image




AdmiralKat says...


Thanks for reviewing! I will be sure to modify my poem. I will see if I can improve the internet history part. Here is a hint for who HE is(The dark side). I don't really need to explain, if you know who the person is. I may make a part two on how the person is bad and what they do. Also do you have any suggestions for a better title? Thanks! :D



megsug says...


Aw :/ That formatting didn't seem to work. Perhaps put each <p></p> around each stanza. Like:
[p]I remember,<br>

When my teachers told me,<br>

That I was as cute as can be,<br>

But they didn%u2019t know,<br>

About the monster inside me.[/p]

XD I'm still not sure who "he" is.

As for a title hm... Perhaps "Misperceptions"?



megsug says...


Oops. The p's should be in <> like the br's are, not brackets.



AdmiralKat says...


doesn't seem to work... I don't know about that title...



megsug says...


I don't like it either :/ Let me think on it, and I'll let you know.



AdmiralKat says...


Thanks! :D



User avatar
133 Reviews


Points: 7153
Reviews: 133

Donate
Mon Jun 30, 2014 5:18 pm
View Likes
ChipsMcCoy wrote a review...



Hello Katya, Chips here with a review for you.

I liked how your the story in your poem kept on building and building. I liked the slight suspense you created and I thought the concepts and ideas here were interesting.

"I remember,

When my teachers told me,

That I was as cute as can be,

But what they didn't know,

About the monster inside me."

This was a nice opening stanza, but I'm not sure if "cute" was particularly the word choice, perhaps something more interesting? So the comparative to the monster inside is more powerful.

" I remember,

When my friends told me,

That I was innocent.

Have they checked

My internet history?"

I found the internet history reference quite humorous, however it didn't fit with the serious tone of the rest of your poem.

"I remember,

When my cat thought,

I was the greatest.

What he didn't know was that,

I had dissected his brother."

I would, replace "greatest" with something more like *hero/heroine* as pets tend to hold their owners in high esteem most of the time. The reference to dissecting his brother was quite morbid, but that's fine if that's what your were going for.

"I remember ,

When I thought

That I was good.

That was before

I met him."

I liked the mystery here and how the "him", is in bold and italics. But, the last stanza felt like a whole new concept had been brought up, a whole new story. So it felt unfinished in a sense, since we don't know who "him" necessarily is and the true extent of his affect on the character here.

I would have liked to see more imagery here, it would have created more of a mood and atmosphere which is effective. Overall good job. Keep writing! Hope this review helped.

--Chippy




AdmiralKat says...


Okay! Thanks for reviewing! Would adorable be a good sub for cute? Also how could I make the internet thing fit in? I really want it in here *hugs sentence*. I wanted to end with him because that is the point where the character is turned over to the dark side. I could make a part two in that sense though. I wanted this to be a story of innocence or what once was of the character. I don't know if I can add imagery in here, it doesn't seem like THAT type of poem. Thanks for the review! Helps a lot!




What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
— Charles de Secondat, Baron de Montesquieu