I remember it clearly
The first day we met
A boy in swim trunks hanging with his friends
And there I was awkward and shy
Uncomfortable with my body in a 2 piece swimsuit I was forced to try
They told me that guys would flock.
That my proportions were perfect especially my top
Guys looked and laughed and teased
As I stood there awkwardly in the salty breeze.
Then you walked over tall and strong
Your chiseled figure dripping with water being dried by the sun
Your beach tan so perfect and natural and cool
Your smile inviting and before I knew it I fell for you.
I remember how you chatted up that awkward girl that day
Throwing what seemed like sincere compliments her way
Your friends played jealous of something I couldn’t see
But I knew that I enjoyed the time spent just you and me.
I remember when you asked me out with a coke can on a hot day
On the back written in sharpie was what you wanted to say
Meekly I said yes and you took me into your arms
That was the day I ignored the alarms.
“Summer loves never last forever” they warned.
We didn’t care we loved one another just the same.
You know I also remember the first day of school
You were dressed in jeans, a plaid shirt, and new shoes
You leaned on the locker your messy hair fixed
Someone moved out the way and there was another girl hearing your voice
She believed you as did I when you said my awkwardness was nice.
But now I know and won’t ever forget the falseness in any summer romance.
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137,761 Literary Works • 672,064 Reviews
You have such a talent with writing. I loved this poem. It is true with guys who are players and can't stick to a girl or maybe guys in general. It is also sad though, which is heartbreaking especially if it actually happened to you. The only thing I would fix would be when you say "Your beach tan so perfect and natural and cool" and change it "...tan so perfect, natural and cool." Unless, you intentionally did it, but I think it would flow a bit better. Hope this helps and makes you feel good about your writing because it is really good.
Keep it up!
-Roxie Rain
I loved it. Really did a good job on describing both characters in this poem. Totally describes any teenage relationship. Awkward, false, guy just wants some action, definitely a high school relationship. I loved how you kept it short, sweet and to the point. It didn't drag out for too long like some poems and short stories do.
Hey Catcha01 and LiptonCookie! Strange here and I have a review for you guys!
(I'm going to address you guys as one as it's less confusing)
I was actually surprised, as I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I thought that it was well executed through the whole poem, the idea of being alone and that summer romance ends for a reason. The portrayal of heartbreak was well delivered through the lines. I found nothing wrong with the formatting, as it works well in this poem. You made it simple, sweet, and blunt. You told a story through the whole poem, and I really liked that. The poem felt real and something readers can relate to.
Except, you made it slightly unrealistic. Why do I say that? Well, realistic poems are always good. The only problem was the over exaggeration of the description of the boy. It seemed unrealistic in those three lines, and somewhat generic. The use of the word "Well chiseled" and all that stuff doesn't seem right. Although this was a realistic poem, you were on the boundary with the detail. Even the messy hair, it felt somewhat generic and flat.
But, I did really like this poem so I have to give it up for you guys.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you...
8.7/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friends.
Summer lovin, having a blaaaaaaaast! Oh wait...*record cuts out*
Heeeere's Margo for a review. You really portrayed a good picture of what these two look like together. An awkward, gullible girl, desperate for someone to love her, and a manipulative dawg lookin for boobage!
My advice for you would be to either stick with a ryming pattern throughout the poem or to ditch ryme altogehter (which is perfectly okay). Inconsistent ryming is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I used to write poems with inconsistent ryme all the time...until I realized how much better they sound when the ryme carries on throughout. For me, the only time inconsistent ryme can be used is when the last two lines of a poem ryme for effect. Or if it somehow works..poetry is an iffy business! For your poem either an ABAB or AABB sceme would work well. You could ryme every other line or every line with different ryming couplets. (The latter is what you have going on now).
I like how you added a touch of realism to the idea of summer romance. Sorry Grease lovers! Just because a boy falls in love with you when you got a bikini on, don't mean he gonna love you when you got a parka on! ..or maybe he will.
Great poem! Keep writing and improving!
Margo Seuss