The Necromancer's Reckoning: Chapter 12

Hey~
Several weeks didn't go by before I reviewed another chapter. Whut?

Poor Valdor never gets a break! Your pacing for this chapter is also brilliant, better than last chapter, I would say.

A suggestion about the overlap you have from this chapter and the last one: get rid of it. It comes off as redundant to the reader. I know you get the dramatic ending for chapter eleven if you overlap it, but I would cut Rokan meeting Valdor from the bottom of chapter 11. It just doesn't have the same impact as it does from Valdor's point of view.

Also, you did this in previous chapters too. Wounds disappear almost as soon as they've been made. I mean, yes the arrow in the calf is a big deal through the last half of the chapter as it should be, but the injury to his wrists from the ropes and his forearm from his shattered shield are completely forgotten. Just give them a passing mention. Tell the reader that his wrists throbbed or his palms were sticky with drying blood. You know, something to let us know the wounds are still there, affecting the character.

I'm not sure if you just posted these last two chapters in a hurry and didn't proof read them or what, but this one has quite a few typos and wording issues too. I feel like there's more than there normally are. A reread is an easy fix.

Other than that, I don't feel like this chapter made much progress plotwise, but that's okay! Filler chapters are good for the pace of the novel sometimes.

I'm looking forward to chapter 13. Let me know when it comes.

See ya,
Megs~

Hello! KatyaElefant here! Happy Review Day! Just jumping in to a random chapter of a story that I have never read. XD Let's see how this will go...

NITIPICK 1:

Men and women , (armoured) with swords, bows, axes and every kind of weapon Valdor could think of. /quote]
Wouldn't the correct term for being "armoured with swords" , be armed with swords, bows and axes. I mean weapons can be used for defense but usually you are armored with armor. If you choose to keep it armored. You need to spell it right(unless in Britain, they spell it differently...).

NITPICK 2:

They levitated the Goulrath sending them flying off their feet like ragdols.

Ragdolls is spelled incorrectly here.

NITIPICK 3:

He felt the burn on his wrists and he could feel the skin from his palms begind to rip against the ropes

Begin has an extra letter attached to it. Probably due to typing really fast.

NITPICK 4, 5 and 6:

His withered, wrinkling face was trodden with brusies. A small scar ran down his cheek and towards his shin. His eyes were fierce green, and gazed down pitifully at Valdor. The man was thickly armoured with a large chest fplate and golden gauntlets bound to his forearms. A long white tunic hung over his armour and a sheathed blade dangled prominently at his hip.

Bruises is spelled incorrectly here. Plate has an extra letter(f). Armor is spelled wrong here, yet again.

NITPICK 7:

Valdor slowly difted into the abyss, his body tumbling like a pile of rocks.

Drifted is spelled wrong here in this sentence.

NITPICK 8:

But he couldn’t be sure.

Hey there, Icy here for review day!

Valdor woke slowly to the sound of clanging swords and rattling shields. His head throbbed and his eyelids were heavy. His hands were tied to the mast of the tent. They had spared his life. Valdor had thought it was the end. Why did they insist on keeping him alive? This paragraph is full of very short statements that I think make the beginning of this chapter less interesting than it could be. Try changing it up a little.
Outside, screams and shouts and the sound of a war echoed outside of the tent. What was happening? Had the Goulrath found themselves in a bloody civil brawl? Considering how savage they were, the possibility of them frequently fighting among one another seemed likely. But he couldn’t be sure. His head was in unbearable amounts of pain. A headache seemed to scrape from the insides of his mind. Valdor regained his thoughts together and took a deep breath.
Could this be the chance for his escape?
Valdor knew he would be dead or worse within a few days; the Goulrath couldn’t afford to sustain his life anymore. They would burn his body like the other humans before him. Valdor started to tug at the mast.
Suddenly the sound of an explosion flashed in his ears. Valdor you’ve repeated his name quite a lot in the last few lines. Maybe refer to him as ‘he’ once in a while gritted his teeth. That was no common Goulrath brawl. Someone was here to save him!
Maybe he should stay where he was and wait for help. No. I can’t just sit here waiting to be butchered, he thought.
Valdor quickly adjusted his position and bent his legs slightly. He slid up the wooden mast until he was stood up straight. Valdor leant forward and tugged against the shaft of wood. He felt the burn on his wrists and he could feel the skin from his palms begind to rip against the ropes. The skin of his wrists was slowly ripping off and blood slowly started to incase his palms. Valdor seeped in pain but carried on pulling. Then with all his effort he wrenched his bloody hands free. Valdor cursed in the eyes of the Three but quickly knelt down and untied his feet. Valdor stretched his legs and wriggled his fingers. This was it. Again, try describing him as ‘he’. It allows for more variety
Valdor approached the weapon’s rack, took a sword, shield and a crossbow. If Valdor was going to leave, he may as well have left prepared for the wilderness. He wouldn’t want to miss an opportunity to hunt a deer, which would provide food and warmth for at least five days.
Sword in hand, and shield and cross bow tightly fitted on his back, Valdor exited the tent and faced the oncoming battle with his armour of courage and his face of bravery. It took time for his eyes to adjust to the bright sunlight that speared through the branches high above. Sword at the ready, Valdor gazed upon the carnage that befell him. Piles of Goulrath bodies stacked up on top of one another. Men and women , armoured with swords, bows, axes and every kind of weapon Valdor could think of.
They fired brilliant balls of energy from their palms. They levitated the Goulrath sending them flying off their feet like ragdols. Valdor couldn’t believe what he was seeing. The figures controlled their surroundings, manipulating vines and trees around them, using them against their will. Balls of fire soared through the air towards the remaining Goulrath. Explosions of blue light ripped chunks of earth from the ground. Trees collapsed and toppled over onto the Goulrath forces. I think this paragraph has the potential to be expanded with description. You’ve given a good idea of a scene here, don’t miss the opportunity to describe it.
Magic.
The sorcerers fought elegantly, swiftly dismembering their foes, using magic and their surroundings to their advantage. Their blades shimmered in the light as they cut through the moist air and into the flesh of the Goulrath. The sheer look of fear in the eyes of the Goulrath was a shocking revalation for Valdor. The first sign of fear he had seen in the Goulrath. Much better with the description! Don’t stop that now!
These people… who in the name of the three are they? Thought Valdor, overwhelmed by the hordes of magical warriors.
The battle seemed to be drawing to a bloody end. Splatters of black Goulrath blood stained the forest floor. Decapitated bodies were flayed against tress and hidden in the shrubs. The fire was no more than embers now, piled with Goulrath bodies.
Valdor counted thirty check spelling or so Goulrath left, thickly armoured and heavily armed. They stood in a tight formation, readying themselves against the oncoming sorcerer horde.
The sorcerers were dressed in smoothly forged gold plated armour, with dark blue, hooded tunics draping over their armoured chests. Their hoods were up, shadows covering their faces. They had a certain ominous presence. They approached the Goulrath with a certain bravery that Valdor had never seen before.
Arrows whizzed from the bushes towards the battle zone, penetrating the Goulrath host from all direction. Valdor needed to make a quick escape; his mind was too easily distracted and now was not the ideal time. He hastily darted past the tents, staying low trying to remain undetected.
A Goulrath leapt in front of him. Valdor staggered back holding his blade in front. “Stay back. I will kill you.”
The Goulrath was small for its kin, but fat and menacing. It drew a long black serrated blade and took a step forward towards Valdor. “You thought you could get away…again? I will ram this blade through your gut and watch you squirm, you pathetic mortal.”
Valdor was terrified. His blade was at the ready. The Goulrath jumped forward and collided with Valdor. Valdor pushed it backwards and leapt up to his feet. In one motion, Valdor gripped his hilt with two sweating hands and launched the point of his blade towards the Goulrath’s chest.
The Goulrath quickly rolled out of the blade’s direction and the sword buried itself into the mud. Valdor panicked and reached for his shield from his back. The Goulrath swiped its sword at Valdor’s head but Valdor raised his shield up to protect himself at the final moment. The shield shattered into small splinters and Valdor’s forearm seared in pain. He clutched it tightly and backed away from the grey faced monster.
Valdor reached for his blade that was inches through the ground, he ripped it free sending a mountain of mud and soil flying into the face of the Goulrath. The Goulrath shrieked and grasped its eyes. Whilst its vision was clouded, Valdor swiped at the Goulrath’s sword arm and sliced its hand straight off.
Valdor gasped as the hand fell to the floor. Blood trickled from the stump and the Goulrath screamed like a banshee. It threw its arms in the air and charged forward. Valdor quickly stepped aside and shoved his blade clean through the Goulrath’s belly.
Valdor watched the glowing red light fade from its eyes. It was finally slain. The Goulrath slowly collapsed to its knees and uttered one last breath and fell forward, face into the mud. Valdor gasped for breath. He clutched his sword and ran further past the camp.
Then it all happened so quickly. An axe head appeared from nowhere and was plummeting towards Valdor’s face. As if time had stopped, he gazed one last time into the eyes of the ferocious Goulrath. Before the axe could make contact, an arrow darted from the bushes and into the neck of the Goulrath. The Goulrath choked a ghastly sound and fell backwards, its axe tumbling from his hands. Valdor panted like a dog, and shock riveted through him. He had been so close to death but the Afterlife would have to wait.
He quickly snapped his vision to the direction of the arrow and a girl approached him, bow drawn and reloaded ready to release an arrow into Valdor’s chest.
Valdor put his hands up and stepped backwards. The girl looked a similar age to him. She had dark black hair, with stunning blue eyes. She had a tall and slender figure, but she was no fair maiden of noble birth. The muscular definition was evident and her fierce and sincere face was one of war.
new paragraph “Drop your, blade.” Valdor hesitated. “Do it!” she commanded once more.
Valdor let the blade fall from his hands. “I am mortal. I swear on the Three!”
“I can see that, you fool. Now unbuckle the crossbow from your back.” She ordered. She edged towards Valdor slowly, her bow arm unmoving.
Valdor did as she said. He now had no weapons, no armour and no way of defending himself. “Please, let me leave. I have been captured and I must return south.”
“Why were you captured? Why weren’t you burnt like the others?” She shouted at him, black hair wavering.
“What can I say; I am nicer looking than the others.” Valdor replied, winking. Seems a little out of place that he’d wink here
“Don’t play games with me, fool. How dare you disrespect the dead?”
“Apologies.” Valdor nodded. “Anyway, can I leave now?”
“I cannot. We are taking you in.”
“You can’t expect me to simply agree to this?” Valdor exclaimed taking a step forward.
The girl pulled her bowstring even further back. “Not another step. I’m warning you.”
I’m going to have to do this the hard way. Valdor thought to himself.
In one motion he quickly kicked dirt into the girl’s eyes and sprinted for the trees. He ran in zigzags to avoid the girl’s line of fire. His heart beat quickly and his thoughts were running wild. Sweat dripped from his face and he quickly dived for the undergrowth.
He felt a sharp point pierce his calf. Valdor screamed wildly in pain. The searing burning sensation in his calf spread like fire. “Ahhhhggrghh!”
He clutched his leg and looked towards the arrow that pointed from his flesh. The girl approached him and grabbed him by his hair.
“You shot me!” Valdor cried. “The pain… make it stop!”
“It’s a shame that I missed.” The girl purred as she approached Valdor, sling her bow over her shoulder.
Valdor moaned and she dragged him across the dirt by his shoulders. He squirmed like a dying worm. “Please…please!”
The fighting had died down. No Goulrath was in sight. Only mounds of burning Goulrath flesh and mud. The sorceress slumped Valdor down into the dirt. He gazed up and looked into the eyes of a tall man. The man was old; he had shaggy grey hair with a short prickly beard. His withered, wrinkling face was trodden with brusies. A small scar ran down his cheek and towards his shin. His eyes were fierce green, and gazed down pitifully at Valdor. The man was thickly armoured with a large chest fplate and golden gauntlets bound to his forearms. A long white tunic hung over his armour and a sheathed blade dangled prominently at his hip.
As Valdor met his eyes, the man seemed ill. His face went white and his eyes bulged. Who was this man? Was he their leader?
The man stood forward. He stroked his beard and placed his plam on the hilt of his blade. “What is your name, boy?”
Valdor felt sick. His calf throbbed ferociously. He gritted his teeth in pain and looked up slowly. He took a deep breath, struggling to maintain consciousness, “Valdor… Valdor Farcry.”
As he said those words, Valdor fell forward, face in the mud and collapsed in sheer helplessness. His vision clouded and his sense of direction began to deteriorate.
My leg… My leg…
“Get this boy to the medical bay, for the Three’s sakes.” He heard the man say.
He felt two strong arms lift him upwards. Two clean cut sorcerers, finely shaven with spotless tunics raised him to his feet. They dragged him across the battlefield and into one of the tents. The raised Valdor up onto a table and flayed his arms and legs out.
Valdor tried to keep his eyes open. One of the sorcerers approached him. He was holding an elixir. “Here, drink this; it will dull the pain.”
Valdor hesitantly took the elixir and gulped it down. It was a strange taste, one he had never experienced before. The aftertaste was strong and suddenly a wave of drowsiness consumed him whole. His vision got darker and darker and his body became limp. Valdor slowly difted into the abyss, his body tumbling like a pile of rocks. The last thing he saw was the hooded man’s soft blue eyes and thin blonde hair. The man smiled at him and walked away. His eyes shut and he could feel his body spiral down into a state of eternal slumber.