Published May 30, 2014
Chapter 5
SMACK!
Valdor spat blood from his trembling lips. He gritted his teeth and gazed solemnly up at the Goulrath. The Goulrath’s hands
were red and bloodied from where he had ferociously beaten Valdor.
Valdor’s fists were clenched with anger. He didn’t know anything. But the Goulrath weren’t going to believe him. What did he have to do to convince them that he was telling the truth
?
The Goulrath drew
a dagger from his scabbard. Light glinted off its shining surface as it shimmered in the air.
“Zulrich steel…” the Goulrath muttered. “No steel has a sharp edge like Zulrich steel. It’s a Utopian design as you can tell, forged in the mines of Sandpike the and one of the only one hundred
ever made.”
“That’s impressive…” Valdor panted, exhausted. His stomach felt
like fire.
The Goulrath gazed wondrously at the dagger. He smiled with sadistic joy as he reached over to Valdor with his blade.
Valdor winced as the Goulrath pricked the edge of
the dagger into his eyebrow and slowly started to cut downwards. Valdor tried to move backwards but another Goulrath grabbed his head and kept him still.
The Goulrath scratched all the way
down his face leaving a worm of blood running down his face. His face felt on fire. It wasn’t a deep gash at all, Valdor was confused on why it hurt so much. Valdor had suffered much worse wounds on his travels but this different.
“I almost forgot to say,” the Goulrath paused and lifted his dagger from Valdor’s cheek. The Goulrath grinned. “It also has a lethal poison edge which will leave you in agony for the next six hours. We can cure the poison, as long as you tell us who sent you to spy on us. ”
Valdor felt the poison flow through his veins. Sweat poured from his brow and a fever
ravaged him within seconds. He was immediately disoriented and had no sense of direction. Valdor fell backwards into an abyss of impending darkness.
His heart beats
were as loud as his thoughts. His vision started to blur and he looked up at the large Goulrath admiring his dagger. Suddenly a force erupted from inside him. Valdor vomited across the floor and spat blood. Valdor flopped to the floor helplessly. He was as limp as a dead fish.
Valdor tried to speak. Using all the force he could he spluttered, “What have you done…?”
“As I said,” The Goulrath purred in a grumbling voice. “There is no edge like Utopian steel.”
The Goulrath exited the tent.
Valdor was left in the tent to fend off the poison. He could feel the
pollution in his blood. It felt as if a monster was eating him from the inside out. His stomach was being boiled alive. An inferno erupted through his body. He was on fire. He was certain of it.
It was just the poison. It was playing tricks on the mind. He couldn’t give in to the poison otherwise it would consume him.
His palms were itching. Valdor scratched at them in animalistic ferocity. He scratched so hard he drew blood. There was something inside of him, something monstrous. He had to scratch
it out before it killed him.
No! I can’t let the madness consume me.
It was the poison meddling with his mind. They just wanted him to tell the truth. It was mind over matter. He had to trick through this. It couldn’t get any worse than this. It had to die off at some point.
Hours passed. His mind was withered with exhaustion and his body was limp. Sweat poured from his face a ghost like chill crept up his body. Valdor screamed out aloud. The pain was too much for him to bear.
The fat Goulrath walked into the tent. He knelt down towards Valdor and held a glass vile up towards Valdor’s face. “This is the antidote. Tell us who you are working for and you will be cured of your pain.”
“I don’t know anything!” Valdor blurted out.
“Wrong answer. Would you like some more poison?” he held his poison-edged knife up to Valdor’s face and Valdor whimpered. “Tell us or you will get another dose.”
“I swear on my life, I do not know!” Tears streamed down Valdor’s face. “I will do anything, just no more poison… please.”
The chief Goulrath entered the tent. He watched the interrogation carefully. He looked at valdor in disgust as he whimpered like a baby.
The Goulrath interrogator put the vile in my hands and said, “Drink this. It will cure the pain within a few minutes.”
Valdor didn’t speak, he just snatched the vile from the Goulrath’s hands, opened it, and drunk it all at once. Valdor felt the cool sensation in his throat as the soothing liquid went down. It was like the liquid washed the poison from his veins and everything felt relaxed. His vision cleared and his breathing started to steady.
Valdor felt a surge of relief as the antidote coursed through his veins. He had never felt so much pain in his life, and now it was all over. Valdor lay on his back and sighed with relief. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and closed his eyes.
Valdor sat back up and gazed at the two Goulrath talking. He struggled to hear but just about managed to hear what they were saying.
“… He had the voice of an innocent man.” The interrogator murmured.
“You didn’t have my permission. You lied to me.”
“I am sorry, Borzag. I believe the boy is innocent. No one can ever take a second dose of Scarab Poison without blurting the truth out. This has never happened in my fifteen years of interrogation.”
“So what do we do with him now if he is of no use to us?” the chief asked.
“I don’t know, sir. He’s innocent and should be released immediately.” The interrogator replied certain of his words with no hesitation.
“Release him did you say?” questioned the chief Goulrath, placing his hand upon the hilt of his sword.
The interrogator looked uneasy. He nodded and said, “Aye. I believe he should be released but it was only my opinion.”
Valdor wanted to smile.
There was an eerie silence within the tent. The chief Goulrath looked down at Valdor in disgust and smirked. He slowly looked back at the other Goulrath. He smiled sadistically. “Well, I don’t like your opinion,” and the Borzag drew his steel blade from his boiled leather scabbard and the other Goulrath stepped back in horror.
The Chief thrust his sword through the air and into the other Goulrath’s chest. The sound of steel slicing through flesh sounded within the tent. The Chief grimaced as dark purple blood spewed from the Goulrath and he collapsed to its knees. A fountain of blood flowed from his mouth and onto the floor of the tent. The Goulrath fell forwards onto its face and it died.
Purple blood coated the tent canvass. Valdor whimpered like a dying dog. Never in Valdor’s life had he seen such horrors.
The Goulrath gazed at me and spat on the floor in utter disgrace. “Mortal scum.” It knelt down towards the Goulrath’s empty armour and picked up the Utopian dagger.
It was probably still coated with Scarab Poison. The chief walked over to me quickly slashed at my arm. I flinched as soon as it made contact. The poison immediately made his blood feel hotter.
The process was starting again.
“Please, no one sent me here.” Valdor pleaded struggling to speak as poison coursed through his blood.
“When you want to tell us who sent you, just shout us, and until you start speaking the truth, we will keep refilling your veins with poison until you are nothing but rotting flesh in a pool of infected blood.”
As he said his words his organs started to boil and his skin was on fire.
That’s when the screaming started again.
Chapter 6
Prince Pincas was careful not to be seen at this time of night.
He was going to meet the assassin at midnight near the Square. Eldermere was the capital and largest city in Axion so the meeting place had to be well known.
Tonight was the night that would change everything. He had waited long enough under the reign of his father. Now times were going to change. No longer would Pincas Highcross take any more humiliation from his father. Rupus was an old fool and it was time for him step down from the throne. Or fall from it.
Pincas had been planning this from the start. Even when he was a boy of he dreamt of the throne and the crown upon his head. Pincas had originally had an older brother, Hadrian. Only two years older than him but the boy was better in every way. He was taller, stronger, more good looking and more intelligent. Hadrian had everything. He had all the women, the attention and most of all, the respect from his father. Many talked had talked about the day where Hadrian would become king and be the greatest ruler Axion had ever seen.
However the death of Hadrian had resulted in Pincas becoming the heir to the throne which had taken the whole realm by surprise. Nobody had even heard of Pincas but soon it was all going to change.
Pincas was soon rich. He inherited lands and fortunes beyond counting. Pincas began to use this to his advantage. Gold was a beautiful thing. It could turn a situation around completely. It could turn life into death, enemies into friends and very soon, it would turn kings into corpses.
In a few days, a planned assassination would kill King Rupus of Highcross and Axion would bow to their new king. King Pincas, he said in his head. I like the sound of it.
For too long Pincas had waited for the man to die, but the time had not come. Rupus was sixty nine years old now and still was healthy, he wasn’t exactly approaching the doors of the Afterlife just yet.
Pincas stood in the Square. At daytime, the Square would be swarming with crowds and merchants would be selling goods from around Axion. But at night, it was as quiet as the dead.
Pincas looked around nervously. The assassin was going to be here soon. Unless the assassin hadn’t got the letter, which was highly unlikely as the mail service in Eldermere was the best in Axion.
Pincas bit his lip. His mind pulsed with uncertainty. This was an important meeting and if it was heard by anyone, any chance of becoming king would be destroyed. Pincas turned around to see if anyone had arrived and suddenly a hooded figure emerged from the shadows.
The man silently moved towards him. His steps were silent and graceful, but his movements were still fast and agile. In the space of few quick seconds, Pincas knew he was an assassin.
The assassin was dressed in a long black hooded robe with a small breastplate, shoulder pads and silver gauntlets. A bow and quiver was around on his back. A small scabbard was belted to his hip where a deadly dagger lay sheathed, ready to be drawn at any moment. The assassin had a muscular build; he was average height and had a small, neatly trimmed black beard that poked out from under his hood.
“You seem impatient. Is it an urgent meeting?” the assassin purred.
“It’s in the middle of the night and I’m meeting with an assassin, of course it is urgent.” Pincas whispered.
The assassin smiled. “You must me Pincas, Prince of Highcross, son of King Rupus and Heir to Throne of Axion.”
“I am indeed. But not for long.” Pincas said, grinning smugly.
The assassin eyed him suspiciously. “What do you mean?” asked the assassin curiously. “What sort of assassination are you asking of me?”
“An assassination where you get over twenty thousand gold opels. That sort of assassination. Does it sound appealing enough for you?” Pincas replied smugly.
The assassin was baffled. He grinned and replied, “Understood, now I am listening. Please, explain.” He looked around the Square to see if anyone was watching.
The cold chill howled in the midnight air. “The King has ruled over Axion for over five decades. His time has passed.” Pincas began to explain. “The time has come for a new king. I am the heir to the throne and I can be a much better king than he ever was. The man is old but he is not going to die soon, and these years of waiting have made me impatient. I want you to kill the King of Axion.”
The assassin gasped and shook his head. “I cannot do this. He is my king, our king. He has been our beloved king for fifty years and now you want me to kill him? I am an assassin, but no kingslayer. No assassin can do this.”
“Ah, I knew you would say that. Do you not remember how much money I am paying you for this?” Pincas asked, smiling softly. He couldn’t let the assassin say no. He was the best in Axion, or so they said.
The assassin paused and gazed at the stone floor. “Twenty thousand opels is a lot of gold… I would lose my honour, my loyalty and dignity. I am sorry, Pincas, I will have to refuse your offer.”
Pincas was running out of ideas, he thought this would go smoother but he had to think of something else to do. “If I raise the price to twenty five thousand gold, will you accept? You are the best assassin in Axion and no one else could pull off a job like this.”
The assassin shook his head. “I cannot accept.”
Without thinking Pincas blurted out, “Thirty five thousand gold coins for the assassination of King Rupus.”
“Deal.” The assassin said without hesitation and put his hand out to close the deal.
Pincas shook his hand and the contract was sealed. He had lost thirty five thousand gold opels but it was all for the death of King Rupus, and in the end, that was all that mattered.
“I need details. This will take weeks of planning. I need inside information of the layout of the palace, I need to know what times of the day he is out in the open and the general distribution of Kingsguard. This will require a lot of planning if I am to get out of this alive with my payment. ” the assassin stated shifting his wolf skin cowl over his shoulder.
“In three days’ time. At midday. The King is usually alone with I and we have discussions in the throne room. The balcony up above will give you enough height to see everything and enough cover to fend off any attacks if they occur. I will leave the balcony door open beforehand for you to enter. When you kill the king, there will be a flurry of panic from the palace guards and I will do what I can to mislead them in the wrong direction so you have enough time to flee the city.”
“That sounds very vague. How will I enter the palace in the first place? The guards would spot me from a mile.” The assassin replied.
“Easily. From my house which is about a league away from the palace, I have a secret passageway into the palace which goes underground. It’s used for a fire escape or an evacuation of the palace if we are under attack. It hasn’t been used in fifty years since the Citadel’s Rebellion and attack on Eldermere. It leads you just outside the throne room and right in front of you will be a set of steps leading up to the balcony where you can strike King Rupus with an arrow to the heart. On the morrow, I will send a raven containing the blueprints of the palace for further planning. Have faith, everything will fall into place.”
“That is a lot clearer. It sounds as if you have been planning this for a while.” The assassin said as he fingered the hilt of his knife.
“Indeed. I have been scheming for years and now I will finally be able to rule across this great realm. Axion will bow down before me and the crowds will cheer my name.”
The assassin stepped back into the shadows. “I will leave now. I need to prepare for this assassination.” the assassin gazed at Pincas through the darkness and added, “But remember this, Prince. Gold can buy you glory, but it can never buy you honour.”
Pincas was left that thought and he watched the assassin vanish into the midnight shadows.
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Hi! Cricket here for a review!

First off, I'd suggest handing this work over to a literary moderator, for some editing out of these links, that seem to have appeared in your work.
Well first off, I'd say there has to be a way to address The Goulrath other than just the Goulrath. Since I'm the reader, I figured I'd tell you that it was rather dry and boring, to see theGoulrathsaid soooo often! There was no variety, not to mention there are just endless possibilities for different ways of addressing them. I mean, calling them a creature would be a much more exciting way of addressing them, after a while, rather than what you have here. Try to go for a variety, and spice it up with some cool names! Creature and monster, are common place ways of doing it, but still an option. There are countless other out there. All you need is to find them, and you have your way out!
Aside that, I can admire the way you keep the story moving along, with all the action, not to mention you keep us informed of his though process throughout, while he's with the Goulrath's. Was done very well, and I like that.
One thing I didn't really like was the way you described the pain, while he's being tortured.
Er, that's really all I saw, when it came to you describing the pain. (At least of what I saw and remembered) Try to go for a gory and visual description, like what you have in other places! If somebody is being tortured, then don't be afraid to exaggerate on the pain, as a quick edit will fix the overstatement, while it might take a while to fit in some description of his pain later on.
Hmm, worm of blood again? Well, I guess it's OK here, but don't overuse that description please. While it's cool to use every now and then, it will get boring if over used.
DESCRIBE his exit from the tent, rather than just saying it. You'll need to run through and cut out all instances of just telling, and not showing once you're done with the first draft. Telling will only bore your reader, instead of enticing them.
Typo. It's in red.
I'm noticing the dialogue of the assassin starts with some sort of description like this. Try for a variety instead of the way you have it.
Er, bit of a info dump... would suggest trying to insert this information in, by using examples, rather than just telling us. Always try and give us information through dialogue or just basic examples, through different behavior's or social interaction.
OK, and I think that's it from me!
Hope this helped, and keep writing!
~Cricket
Thank you so much!
Hey Guy~
I'm jumping right into this, starting with the negatives.
For chapter five, I feel like the poison took effect way to quickly. The circulatory system just doesn't work like that. That's not so bad.
Then, my biggest problem is the fact that bloodthirsty, brutal, merciless Goulraths would consider for one moment to just let someone go. That goes against the entirety of everything we've ever learned about Goulraths. Even if they had decided Valdor is innocent, they would have slaughtered him. It seemed very out of character for the torturer to suggest letting Valdor go.
On the really great side of things, I was impressed with the fever scenes. They made me very happy, and really make the reader sympathize with Valdor.
A random note before I start critiquing chapter six, I just realized you have no female characters at all. Male characters are fine, but you have no diversity. The assassin could easily be a female.
Okay, I really liked Pincas at first, and I still do, but his backstory is sounding really cliche. You need some unique details to spice it up. Again, I'm having trouble giving you examples. I can tell you what not to do xP
What I really think you need to do though is convince the reader that Pincas would truly be a better ruler. That way we have this conflict of: Man, Pincas is killing his dad. He's one cold dude. But on the other side of that, Pincas really would be better for the country. It would take some doing, but I think you can do it.
One last negative,
While I appreciate the irony of an assassin giving this advice to Pincas, it's a tad corny and cliche. Normally I leave cliches alone because I think a cliche can have a twist to make it original, but these are a little too overdone, I think. I think you might need to just cut this part, but do as you will.
Of chapter six though, I do enjoy this tension in the country. I feel like it contrasts nicely with everything happening in to Valdor. I'm excited to see where this goes next.
H3y ther m8, my quest to think furiously on your novel continues.
I'll be concentrating mainly on chapter six, as it's the one with the most untapped potential. I believe chapter five to be fairly solid, the minor nitpicks I had with word placement, and the seeming cardboard-like attitude of the two Goulrath, will be fixed, come the editing job. Although, I must say, chapter five strikes me as somewhat useless. Nothing in particular seems to happen. You could easily omit it, and have us return to Valdor later, perhaps when he manages to break free. On the sixth chapter, I have more to say.
In my review of chapter three, and again in pm, I mentioned Pincas has the potential to be a very strong character. This still stands. His motivations, however, could be expanded on, and be made more interesting. This can be done, in most part, with proper presentation. Here, I feel the event could be presented better. Create tension, lead the readers on bit by bit. There's a lot of telling going on. In this chapter, the telling is improbable considering the fact these are supposed to be Pincas' thoughts, and Pincas already knows all this. It's his drive. Why would he think it so clearly, in black and white? It doesn't make much sense. This is not to say it shouldn't be mentioned it at all. It should, but differently. Below I will permit myself the small arrogance of re-writing a paragraph or so of this chapter according to how I think it would function better. Take it with a grain of salt, and as an indication. It is only to clarify what I mean.
I will take this bit.
I will not say this is necessarily better than the way you put it, but it is certainly different. I have essentially presented the same information, but from Pincas' point of view, and everything seems more natural now. Of course, Pincas might not have hated his brother, I'm going out on a limb. You know how he feels better than me, if you do adopt the scheme I presented, the details are up to you. I hope I have managed to be clear. The same could be done to this paragraph here.
My edit:
Again, same information, but presented by the character, and not the author.
Usually I don't comment on the improbability of events within a chapter, suspension of disbelief is a fine and glorious thing. This time, I beg your forgiveness, I feel compelled to. The whole meeting with the assassin struck me as highly unlikely, down to the assassin himself. I shall comment in bullet points, cause they're awesome.
- you're hiring the most skilled assassin in the land to kill your father, the King, and you do so by letter? That's wrong on multiple levels. First, would Pincas be stupid enough to summon an assassin via letter? That's like, instant arrest material. Let's assume he is stupid, or just highly arrogant. To whom exactly would he send it to? Does the assassin have a home with an address 'SEND ASSASSINATION REQUESTS HERE?' Well, maybe they're both stupid, or highly arrogant.
- the assassin is dressed well, but don't you think that those clothes are incredibly conspicuous? I'd think he'd be dressed in plain clothes or something.
- don't you think Pincas, or more likely, the assassin, would have already stalked location and customer prior to the meeting? That's usually wise, if you value your life. As such, don't you think some of the facts would already have been discussed? Let's assume this already actually happened. Would Pincas actually meet the assassin in person? Usually there's a middleman. Would anyone agree to help Pincas in this evil deed? Apparently not. This makes Pincas doubly stupid, because he'll have no support once the deed is done. In fact, he'll be the first suspect. And if the assassin is caught, he can always rat Pincas out in exchange for his life. If I were going to murder my royal father, I would first corrupt or otherwise coerce the head of police, the head priest, and as much as the palace staff as possible. Then I'd send someone to hire the assassin for me, that way my identity is not revealed. That there strikes me as wise.
- the assassin himself seems improbable. If you're an assassin, you do not refuse to kill the king. You've never the King, to you he's just a mass of flesh quantifiable in money. But let's assume you're fanatically loyal. Will raising the price actually do anything? If you're willing to refuse twenty thousand, you'll refuse thirty five thousand also. And boy, that quip at the end really gets to me. You're an assassin, you shouldn't be delivering sage quips for christ's sake. Just shut up and do your job. It seems highly out of place. If there's one thing I hate, it's the author forcing his own opinion onto characters that have nothing to do with said opinion.
The whole meeting is, in short, improbable. It should be worked on. Sorry for that rant at the end, it always makes me sad when assassins are done a la AC. I would enhance the atmosphere of tension and mystery, and rewrite things more from Pincas' POV.
Hope this helped
-Ita
OK, sure thank you for the review! I understand the problems you have with chapter 6. I will fix them in time! Although I do think that the assassin would rightly question Pincas's plan to assassinate the king. It's the King! Of course there would be concern.
However all your other points are highly valid. a lot of editing to be done!
Thank you so much for the review. can't wait to hear your thoughts for the next two chapters!
I quite enjoy this story
I love the story and all the different characters.


Aww, poor Valdor... I felt so bad for him while reading this. XD I kinda wanted to reach in the story and rescue him. But it's all part of the story.
I like the assassin. It was interesting how for a while he wouldn't do it because he was the king, but then more money ( of course ) changed his mind. That little thought he gave Pincas at the end was really neat too.
I did notice that you changed voice a bit. It was pretty much in ch 5 with Valdor. You went from 'Valdor' to 'my' or 'me'. Other than that, it was pretty much good
Can't wait for the next chapters!
Damn! i hate it when i change to 'Me' and 'I'. I apologize. Thanks for the review, i am glad you like it. The next two chapters are up already up. Would love to hear your thoughts!