Chapter 3
Anxiety choked on King Rupus of Highcross. Korsay Jeral, had been missing for a whole five days. Korsay was his steward and a
loyal friend. Rupus had sent Korsay north, to the Forbidden Lands, to investigate for any unusual activity. Perhaps the wolves took him? Or worse… Goulrath.
The Goulrath were a stuff of legends nowadays. They hadn’t been sighted since the Age of Mortals. But king Rupus knew better. The Goulrath were very much alive and he could feel it. There had been disappearances up north and their bodies would return strung up and chopped into small pieces. Others were burnt to cinders but either way, every victim was horrifically murdered.
This is the Goulrath’s style. Father told me the Goulrath like to make art out of murder. Rupus took a large swig of his goblet of wine. He gritted his teeth as the strong southern wine streamed down his throat.
Rupus suspected that the Goulrath were taking orders from someone. Someone powerful and with a personal vendetta on the realm. Goulrath never acted on their own, not without another more powerful being to lead them.
Necromancer Void. He was certain of it. That devilling necromancer had wanted revenge ever since Rupus’ father, King Herald banished him from the realm, casting him north to the Forbidden Lands. As a result of Rupus’ suspicions, he had sent Korsay to investigate.
And now the man was missing.
Rupus knew he should have sent more scouts to accompany him. Korsay was probably one of the finest warriors in the realm and good with a bow, but he was not immortal. Rupus presumed he would be able to fend for himself in those parts of the realm. Clearly not, Rupus thought bitterly, taking another swig from his goblet.
King Rupus sat restlessly on his throne waiting for another report on Korsay’s whereabouts. Suddenly the two Kingsguard swung open the grand wooden doors of ancient design Prince Pincas entered. He was dressed in fine robes, with a strip of wolf’s fur and had a sword belted by his hip. His young face was red and flustered and his long blonde hair was ravaged and greasy. The prince walked with urgency. Pincas strode forward and knelt before Rupus, hand on his sword hilt.
Pincas began to speak, his voice calm and controlled. “Father.”
Rupus stood up, face reddening. “You will address me properly, boy.”
“Your Highness.”The prince sniffed. “There is no word of Korsay. His whereabouts is unknown. The scouts are searching as hard as they can.”
“Send more scouts then.” Rupus replied, sitting back down on his cushioned throne.
Pincas took a deep breath. “We’ve sent all the scouts there is. There are no more, Your Highness.”
There was a silence in the throne room and suddenly King Rupus stood to his feet and roared a mighty shout and through his goblet of wine across his chambers. The wine goblet missed Pincas but a streak of blood-red wine stained his robes. The prince remained unflinching.
Rupus stood up slowly, fists clenched. He was breathing heavily in rage. He stroked his large brown beard, thinking of what to do next. Anxiety overwhelmed him in a cloud of uncertainty. What was he to do? Korsay was his best man. Korsay provided him the intelligence he needed to run Eldermere and the rest of the realm. Korsay did the job with no mess. Whatever Rupus needed to know, Korsay could tell him. Now he was missing and likely dead, his blood trickling across the lands of the north. I am nothing without my steward, he thought scornfully.
Rupus had his hand on the hilt of his sword. His bowed his head in shame.
“This is madness! I am a pathetic excuse for a king. They will write ill of me in the tapestries once I am dead. We have lost our best scout. He was a good man, loyal, brave, and courageous. He was like a son to me. The best son I ever had.” Why do I speak of him in past tense?
Rupus noticed Pincas’ grip on his hilt beginning to tighten.
“I think you are doing a fine job as king, Your Highness. Once this small affair is over you can restore to your former glory and reign the realm as you once did. Korsay will be rescued and all will be well, my King.”
Rupus nodded. “I hope what you say is true, Pincas. I do wish to lead my realm to greatness, but I fear that a war is coming, boy.”
“A war, my King?” Pincas asked with a hint of disbelief.
“Indeed. I have come to suspect that Void is returning. I have come to believe he is mustering an army in the north. An army of Goulrath.” Rupus stroked his beard with concern.
“Necromancer Void? Goulrath?” Pincas seemed taken aback. “Perhaps Your Highness has had too much wine on this warm, summer’s afternoon?”
“No. You are wrong, boy. Too much wine or not, I speak sense. All these murders, strange disappearances, burnt corpses… It all leads to the Goulrath! I know this.”
“Perhaps bandits, Your Highness?” Pincas injected.
“Don’t be such a fool. Bandits would never be this savage. Goblins can’t even have done this, they would never be able to kill this many in such a short space of time. They still hide far to the north.”
Pincas stared down at the floor. He raised his head and said, “I understand, but how does that lead to Void? He was banished eighty years ago, by your father-King Herald.”
Rupus wiped the sweat from his brow. “The Goulrath need someone to lead them. Someone to motivate them to do all these killings. This person has to have a personal vendetta against the realm- against the crown.” Rupus raised his goblet, took a swig sniffled. “Necromancer Void, my boy.”
“You mean Void wants revenge after his eighty years of banishment? Why would he suddenly start now?”
“I am certain he has had enough time to conjure up enough dark magic to penetrate the magical defences the Sorcerer’s Guild put up all those years ago. He wants to be set free and I fear he wants revenge for what my father did to him.” Rupus said grimly.
“Perhaps there is forgiveness in his heart,” Pincas’ lip curled upwards. He was half joking.
“Void is not a man known for his mercy. He cast this realm in darkness for many years. He gathered armies of Necromancers and terrorized the towns villages and occasionally he attacked the Six Great Cities. This lasted for many years.” Rupus glance upwards at the ceiling, then back down to Pincas. “Back in the days when the Sorcerer’s Guild and the crown had a healthy alliance, both the sorcerers and the Realmguard waged war against the Necromancer Legion, captured Void, and banished him from the realm and within a year the war was over. The sorcerers cast him north, to the Forbidden Lands and entrapped him there with powerful magic. He swore that he would return with a force so great that it would wipe the King from his throne and bring Axion into darkness and chaos.”
“You refer to the Breaking of Darkness, Your Highness? Those were dark days.”
“Indeed. I feel dark days await us once more. It is just speculation, boy. It may not be true but if my suspicions are correct, then Axion is in grave danger.”Rupus paused. “Do not inform the council, however. They cannot be informed of my suspicions yet. I want to be completely certain of Void’s return before we muster the Realmguard and evacuate the cities.”
“Your Highness, if Void’s return is certain, do you not think these actions are perhaps to bold? Too rash?”
“Boy, you know nothing of this world. The Goulrath are to be greatly feared, and Void should be feared even more. Their alliance will be deadly, I can assure you. At times like these, the boldest decisions are the best.”
“Surely this is only a worst case scenario, my king?” Pincas inquired.
Rupus laughed loudly, his deep throaty voice echoing throughout the ancient halls. “For a man to be a wise king, he must observe all possibilities in the face of terror. The Goulrath are the exact army that Void would acquire. They are ruthless, they obey any command, and they have no emotion other than their hunger for victory and human blood. The Goulrath are perfect for an attack upon the realm.”
“You make a valid point, Your Highness.” Pincas replied.
“There is a chance I may be wrong. It may not be Void; it may be the Goulrath or another fell race performing these murders for simple sadistic fun. It may not be anything, but I need to be sure. That is why the realm is counting on Korsay’s survival.”
“Korsay was always a good scout and an excellent steward, I’m sure he is alive, Your Highness.” Pincas assured the King. The king knew his son was lying. He did not see his son frequently, but he knew when the boy was lying.
“He needs to be alive. The fate of Axion depends on whether this man is alive or not.” Then why do I keep thinking he is dead?
Rupus sat back down on his throne. “Pincas?”
“Yes, my King?”
“Please could you clear that wine off the floor and fetch me another goblet of wine, all this waiting makes me parched.”
Without a word Pincas scurried over to the table and poured a flagon of wine into a goblet. Pincas walked over to Rupus and he laid it gently into the king’s hands. The King thanked him and Pincas left him. Rupus sipped on his wine.
There was a stirring and it was brutally interrupted by the smashing of the grand wooden doors to the throne room. There was a flurry of knights, still clad in armour, Cityguard and the Kingsguard alike. They swarmed into the throne room and they were carrying a body.
Korsay.
The swarm of men dispersed and the body was revealed on the floor in front of the King. Rupus’ heart sank. Korsay lay dead at his feet with dozens of arrow shafts prominently jutting out from his chest. His clothing was soaked in cold blood and his face was a ghostly shade white. The sight made Rupus flinch.
Such a courageous man does not deserve a death like this. He thought, biting his lip.
Rupus arose from his throne and slowly walked down towards the dead body of his loyal friend. His eyes stung. The unbearable stench lingered within his nostrils. Rupus began to breathe through the mouth.
Rupus staggered forward, withholding the tears. He fell to his knees and clutched the Korsay’s corpse in his arms. His scout, his stweard, his friend. Korsay seemed so young now, as Rupus cradled him in his arms. Rupus didn’t care about the smell no longer. Greif tore him up inside.
Rupus gazed upwards to the surrounding Kingsguard. “Where did you find him?” he sobbed.
One soldier stepped forward. The soldier was young, seemed shaken up inside. “We found him on the borders of the Forbidden Lands.”
“Do the scouts know what killed him?” questioned Rupus. It had to be Goulrath, it simply had to be.
The young knight’s face seemed to darken. “Your Highness, this was a murder at the hand of an ancient foe.” The guard took a deep breath. “The Goulrath have returned.”
“I knew it!” Rupus blurted, louder than he wanted to. A violent anger stirred inside him. “We must prepare for an attack. We cannot let the Goulrath linger south of the Forbidden Lands.”
Underneath all Rupus’ anger, he felt a small sense of satisfaction for his suspicions becoming true. He was right all along. That pleased him.
“Your Highness,” another scout began. “You may want to see this.”
The scout reached for his pocket unfolded a small ragged piece of parchment. His hand was shaking.
“What is it?” King Rupus demanded
The soldier gulped a lungful of cold air and spoke slowly, “It is General Korsay Jeral’s scrawled notes from his mission in the Forbidden Lands. The Goulrath isn’t the only threat we should worry for.”
King Rupus snatched the parchment from the man’s fingers. He quickly read the scribbled notes. His eyes bulged as he read. He could not believe what his eyes were reading. He had been correct. Void.
King Rupus stood up gallantly. He was eye level with the surrounding soldiers. He nodded his head and walked up the steps toward his elevated throne. A look of defiance assembled on his face. His booming voice echoed throughout the throne room as he said, “Knights of realm, on the morrow, we prepare for war!”
Chapter 4
Valdor’s eyes peeled open.
His head throbbed with searing pain. His vision was blurred and he was gripped with disorientation. Where am I?
Fragmented memories of a Goulrath striking him with a club simmered in his mind. Valdor’s vision came into focus. He was sitting down on a damp floor, his legs outstretched. Valdor saw the walls of the room started to flap and immediately deduced that he was in a tent. It was dirty and carpet below him was encased with mud and dirt. The room was airy and cold breeze snuck through the entrance, chilling his bones. The only ornament in the tent was a small weapon’s rack to Valdor’s right, piled with an assortment of deadly Goulrath weaponry. It varied from swords, to bows, daggers and maces, all forged with steel as black as night. The hilt was forged from pure pale bone. Is that human bone? He asked himself.
As he gazed downwards he examined his bloodied white shirt from where the club had cracked his skull. Valdor went to rub the back of his head but he was restrained by the thick robes that bound him to the wooden beam that supported the tent.
His mouth was parched, pleading to be quenched. His lips were dry and cracked and his hair was encrusted with his own dried blood. Water. He told himself. I need water.
The Goulrath had kidnapped him. It all seemed like a bad dream and Valdor prayed that he was going to wake up. Memories flooded back to Valdor’s mind, the Goulrath, the burning bodies, the chase through the woods.
Valdor knew these Goulrath had the intention of harming him. If they did, they would have killed him long before. However, the only question was how to escape this wretched place. His aching legs were bound together in rusting manacles that chaffed of his ankles.
Suddenly the tent flap opened and a tall, slender, hooded Goulrath entered, clad rusting iron armour, with a long dark cowl draped over him. It slowly approached Valdor and knelt down in front of him. The hooded Goulrath’s right arm was resting on the hilt of its greatsword. Its face was concealed in a thick blanket of shadow. The Goulrath pulled down its hood and the true horror was revealed.
It was the first time Valdor had a chance to fully the examine its face. It was a monster. The creature had blood red scolding eyes with a grey pale and scarred face. They were battle wounds most likely. Its ears were pointy, like an elf’s ears. It had huge gaping fangs pointing from its mouth. It had blood stained lips and a forked tongue. A low grumbling sound echoed throughout the tent as it started to speak, “Who sent you to spy on us, you sniffling maggot.”
“No one sent me. I was out hunting a deer. I promise!” Valdor replied ecstatically.
“What, this far out into the wilderness? So close to the Forbidden Lands?No mortal ever ventures this far north. You take me for a fool.” The creature quickly drew a knife from its cowl and held it close to Valdor’s throat. The Goulrath’s knife lay deathly still, unmoving. “We Goulrath are no half-wit race. Now tell me what your name is or I shall slit your throat.”
“Valdor Farcry.” He replied. Valdor had nothing to hide but he needed to choose his words carefully, or it would cost him his life.
“What in the name of hell is a boy like you doing in a place like here?” the Goulrath injected. “Spying?”
“No. I was hunting a deer, I am traveller of the north, simply trying to get enough food to last the day. I tracked a dear for many hours and it led me here, to the Forbidden Lands. I am simply a fellow traveller like you, now if you release me from these chains; I will be on my way.” Valdor replied attempting to show a small act of confidence.
“You think we are just simple travellers? You know nothing of the world, maggot mortal.” The Goulrath edged the knife closer to Valdor’s face. “We Goulrath are not travellers. We are killers, every mortal knows that.”
Valdor knew exactly what the Goulrath were. Born killers and bred for battle. They hadn’t been sighted since the Age of Mortals and in some cases; their existence had faded into myth and legend.
“Killer or not, I would appreciate if you unbind me and let me free. I am not guilty of any actions you are accusing me of.” Valdor had a touch of rising panic in his voice.
“We know who you are, Farcry. We knew they would start sending children out to do their dirty work.” his voice was husk and grizzly.
“Who are you talking about?” Valdor quickly replied.
There was a silence and the Goulrath paused a moment. “The Sorcerer’s Guild.”
“The Sorcerer’s Guild?” he replied, confused. What do sorcerers have to do with this? “Do I look like a sorcerer to you?”
“Actually, you do. I can smell it on you.”
Valdor felt his frustration was boiling his blood. “What in the Three Gods are you talking about?” He exclaimed, his voice rising. “I am a traveller of the north, and I am nothing to do with the Sorcerer’s Guild! I swear it on the Three!”
The Goulrath immediately launched its bony fingers forward and clutched Valdor’s neck with a deadly grasp. He felt the sharp nails dig into his skin and Valdor seeped in pain. “Do not lie to me!” The creature roared. Its eyes seemed to transform into a darker shade of red.
Valdor felt the grip on his neck tighten.
“I promise. I do not know anything.” His voice was hoarse.
The Goulrath relinquished his hold on Valdor’s neck. He sighed in relief and his breathing was heavy. The Goulrath rose from the floor and trudged slowly toward the weapon’s rack. Its long, pale hand skimmed over the deadly weaponry. Valdor shuddered.
“Anything, I hear you say. I will do anything to get answers from you, mortal.” The Goulrath said smiling devilishly. The Goulrath plucked a long knife from the rack. It was the size of Valdor’s forearm and was slender and curved backwards slightly, like a crescent moon glinting in the sky. The metal was a dark shade of grey.
Oh in the name of the gods. Please let this be a nightmare…
“You will tell us everything.” The Goulrath stated. “We will use whatever necessary to obtain the information we need, you mortal filth.”
Valdor knew exactly what the Goulrath meant. Torture. Valdor gripped himself and squirmed in his chains. The next few hours were going to be his worst. “I don’t know anything! Please!” he burst. Valdor’s heart pounded.
“I will ask you once. I want an answer immediately” the Goulrath asked in a monotone voice. “Who sent you this far north?” The Goulrath stroked the crescent shaped blade as he spoke.
“I know nothing!” He cried out, voice cracking. His eyes flooded with fear and he tried to withhold the tears. “I’m only a sixteen year old, barely even a man yet. I am no sorcerer!”
“That is all the more reason for the Guild to send you to spy.” The Goulrath purred, slowly kneeling down to meet eye-level with Valdor. “So that we Goulrath wouldn’t suspect a thing.”
“I don’t know what the Guild is!” Valdor protested, heart beating at an astounding pace.
Without warning, the Goulrath struck. The fist pounded Valdor hard in the stomach. He hadn’t expected it at all. Winded, he gasped desperately for breath. “Please…” he managed to utter. “I know nothing, I swear on the Three Gods!”
The Goulrath rubbed his fist and a sharp and deadly smile crept upon its face. “You make a mistake, mortal. Goulrath worship no god.”
That was when Valdor saw the flash of steel.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Erm, looks like you have quite a number of fab reviews, AGAIN, so I won't be here for long!
*tries to add to some of the awesome feedback that you've received*
Comma after Oh.
King needs to be capitalized. Also, have you considered any names besides Rupus? No offense, but it sounds like the name of a dog, or some sort of a animal. It seems that you have some pretty cool names with the other characters that I've seen so far, but Rupus really stuck out for me, cause it seemed so boring. (Sorry, if that sounded harsh at all
I'd suggest actually going to the phonebook, or just merely start googling for names! I found a super cool website once, that was admitting inly for baby names. Or you could try twisting common place names to fit your own purposes. (done that a couple times myself)But you're the boss, so if you want to keep it, then go for it!
Character Arc
One thing I'd suggest working on is your character arc. Characters need to have a very clear arc in their development, or they'll just wander around aimlessly without any clear path in mind! (or seemingly...)
For one: The prince. That guy is wandering EVERYWHERE. When you start him off, he seems pretty cool. Like a typical son! A little snotty at times, but loyal and helpful at the same time.
Towards the end, he just felt a little flat. I think it's because you started him off, with having a cool sense of humor, (sorta.. he seemed to like teasing his father a little
But another thing you could do, is have him start off with the way you have it (addressing his father wrong, ect..) and then after his father corrects him, have it to where it seems like he's doing his best to act like a soldier, but messes up every now and then in there. Would still keep it to where he's trying to please his father, but his true personality is showing through.
My final conclusion to this part in my review, is to just say, MAKE SURE ITS A CLEAR CHARACTER ARC. XD For every character, not just the one.
Er, that's pretty obvious, isn't it? From the description of the room beforehand, and the little hints that you gave us, pretty much summed this up. So would suggest, just cutting this part entirely out.
OK! And that little bit is it from me again! Hope this helped you! I'll be checking out your next chapters now!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
thank you so much!
Prince Pincas does have a very important arc, however I can see how his personality seems to contradict itself in this chapter.
Hey Guy~
You have two really good followers. I'll see if I have anything to add.
I'm going to save all the good stuff for the end this time :3
About chapter three, I have two main issues.
The king knew the right answer. This bothers me because there are so many other possibilities, yet he figures out the right answer exactly. I understand him guessing the Gouraths. My issue is him immediately jumping to Void being the one behind this when Void has been quietly banished for eighty years. Unless your aging system works differently from the one I'm familiar with, the king is either incredibly old or he was an incredibly young child/not born when Void was banished. I would think Void would hardly be a prominent threat in a monarch's mind.
Secondly, your characters don't seem to have very much consistency. Prince Pincas is afraid of the king one minute and arguing or trying to joke around with him the next. The king is a little more focused, but as a reader I'm having a hard time understanding him. I'd like to see a little more characterization for both of these characters.
That being said, I lovelovelove the king's response to Korsay's corpse being brought in. I think it's one of the better moments in your novel so far.
I don't have much to say about the fourth chapter that hasn't already been said. I'm loving what's happening with Valdor. That's probably where I'm most invested with the plot right now.
However, I didn't realize Valdor was that young? In the previous chapters he seemed way older. I was thinking thirties. Maybe go over his characterization again and add in a few things that would make him sound younger. Right now I'm drawing a blank as far as examples go :/ But I'll let you know if any come to mind later.
What I really want in this chapter is Valdor's thoughts and emotions. We get a lot of dialogue which is nice, but I want it described to me how terrified Valdor is.
Chapter 5 and 6 ho!
Megs~
Good day to you. I'll be posting more thoughts. Chapter three first.
I understand why you said the prologue is related to this third chapter now. However, having now read, and understood, I will say it is all the more reason to eliminate the prologue entirely. Why, you ask? Good question, I can now transition seamlessly into the main point I shall be addressing in this chapter! Glad you asked.
Tension.
I have spoken about tension in my review for the previous chapters, but now I will be talking to you about another kind of tension. Before, we had the tension of fear, an unknown enemy lurking in the shadows. Now, there is the tension of a mystery slowly unraveling, dramatic events unfolding before the readers. This particular kind of tension especially must be addressed properly, in order to really grasp the readers by the larynx and force them to sit there reading. Once again, syntax wise, I suggest shorter sentences, perhaps even fragmented ones. I do this because we don't want to be presented with too much information right off the bat. Maybe the king is pacing his throne room, thinking about Korsay, and the dire predicament. He tosses several ideas around, before a horrific one strikes him -- but he dares not address it directly. The readers are now curious. They wish to find out. When the prince arrives, the conversation continues like this, the king manifesting his doubts, but never once saying 'Goulrath' or 'Void' out loud. The atmosphere is incredibly tense now, don't you think? But we do reveal it. The bombshell, at last, is dropped when Korsay's body is found. Only then, finally, presented with the mutilated body of his steward, does the King muster the courage to utter the word, 'Goulraths'. And that is precisely why I feel the prologue should be dropped entirely -- to maintain the very same aura of mystery I have suggested you construct in this chapter. You'd be sacrificing information for drama, but I feel the end result would be far more interesting.
tl;ra: don't have the King voice his thoughts immediately, rather, have him piece together a thread of thought slowly, so as to also stir curiosity within the readers. Release the tension in the final paragraphs of the chapter.
I have yet more to say on tension, however. I would like to bring your attention to another, very effective way of hyping it up: characters. You have already approximated what I am about to suggest, however, I hope that this paragraph of the review will give you ideas to expand upon the point you introduced. In chapter three, we are presented with two different characters. The King, who is very worried, and Prince Pincas, who seems to disbelieve his father, and almost poke fun at the King in some moments. By playing off this, you have the potential to create a stronger impact. Don't be afraid to push it in places. I would make Pincas stronger as a character: render the mockery of his father more evident, have him outright challenge his opinions in places -- only to be furiously reprimanded by a steadily more alarmed father. By doing this, the tension shoots to stellar levels, the whole situation seems much more vivid, because it is presented as such. By doing this you also at the same time take care of another point I had an issue with in this chapter, viz, the awkwardness of the dialogue. It looked like you, the author, were putting words into the character's mouths in order to push information onto the readers. This could also, however, be achieved effectively by letting the characters speak with their own voices. By 'tainting' the chapter with their points of view, everything seems more natural.
That covers the Pincas-King aspect of increasing tension. I will now talk about the mannerisms of the individual characters. Instead of telling me how the King feels, I would show it, by quickly penning in actions. Does he bunch his hands into fists in anger? Does a vein somewhere bulge? Or does he, conversely, go emotionless? Pincas, on the other hand, does he smile in something like relish? Or what? By allowing the characters to voice their thoughts and emotions in a more natural way, as I mentioned before, and will say as many times as necessary, the chapter becomes more vivid and also an enjoyable read.
tl;ra: stronger characters acting naturally is a plus in any situation. Play off of Pincas' attitude, I like that guy; let the King vent his emotions through gestures. This is especially true for the last paragraph. Don't tell us he's devastated, show us he's devastated. Maybe in my previous review I wasn't clear as to why. I think I've mentioned it before, but one aspect as to why telling is so negative is that it just seems so out of place, and out of character. You're practically wasting potential for juicy bits. I'm sure others could deliver an essay on this topic, but that's all I'm going to limit myself to.
This concludes my thoughts on chapter three. Now, onto chapter four!
Well, after reading it, I'm going to have to refer you to everything I've said on tension and characterization so far. The same is very valid here, moreso. I would also consider wording more carefully. Ornament and ecstatically, for example, are both highly out of context. Synonyms have power, padawan. Do not forget this.
Hope this helped
-Ita
Heyo,
~ No comma needed.Shady back with another review for your story.
Chapter Three
~ Teehee, I don't think that's possible. Either he took a swig of his wine or from his goblet.
~ Also, there are a lot of syllables and descriptions in this sentence and it's phrased a bit strangely. Maybe declutter it a bit? I think I would suggest nixing the "of ancient design," since that doesn't give us a clear picture of what they look like (what is 'ancient design', anyway?) and slow things down.
~ Maybe rephrase?
~ Haha, this is great. It actually made me LOL, and my mom thought it was funny when I read that section out loud to her. Well done.
~ May I suggest an edit? "He quickly read the scribbled notes, his eyes bulging as they flitted across the news that he already knew-- Void was back." Or something that'll let you combine your sentences. That entire paragraph is made up of shorter sentences, which get a bit tedious after you read too many of them.
Chapter Four
~ Mm, I'm not sure that you can be 'gripped' with disorientation. You can be gripped with fear as you're disoriented, or something, but "gripped" tends to imply a fear, while disorientation doesn't necessarily mean fear, just confusion.
~ This made me roll my eyes a bit. You don't have to be a genius to deduce that... Maybe you could edit: "Valdor saw the walls of the room start to flap. Tent." That gives us his immediate deduction, but doesn't sound oversimplified-- it sounds like a man who is trying to get his bearings.
~ I'm sorry, but I'm going to go biology geek on you for a minute (it's what I'm studying in Uni, haha). Um, it is not feasible at all for the club to have cracked his skull. Like, when you used that expression before, I thought it was just that-- an expression. He wouldn't be functioning nearly so well if he actually had a cracked skull-- that's some serious stuff we're talking about!
~ Say whaaaa--?
~ Suggestion: "The creature had blood red eyes and a pale, gray, scarred face."
~ No. The punctuation should be: "I am simply a fellow traveler, like you. Now, if you will release me from these chains I will be on my way."
~ No again. This is not how you use a semi-colon. How I was told to remember semi-colons is that if you're not sure whether you should use a comma or a period, us a semi-colon. Now, I'm sure there is a better way to explain it in far more technical terms-- but that's a functioning definition that has served me quite well.
In the portion of text that I quoted here, you obviously do not want a period-- you'd be cutting off a statement directly in the middle of it. Therefore, no semi-colon because it would also cut your statement off in the middle of it. Try: "They hadn't been sighted since the Age of Mortals and, in some cases, their existence had faded into myth and legend."
~ Oh please, he's scared witless. He was expecting the Goulrath to do something mean to him.
~
>.> You are going to make everyone get butchered by the Goulrath... as your reader, I again hate you for your cliffhangers and the fact that you keep killing/maiming characters. As a fellow writer, I again applaud your storyline and want to see where you go with this.
Now, it's late in my timezone so my mind isn't exactly working well enough to give you the summary of my thoughts about your piece right now-- but I've been working on this review for about three days now, line by precious line whenever I get the time, and I want to get it finished. It's not doing you any good sitting on a tab open on my laptop, haha.
But, yeah, same things as before-- try to eliminate all your extra 'and's, and don't get discouraged by my review. Again, same thing as before-- I'm tearing your story apart because I love it. Really.
If you're not fed up with my reviews, then be sure to let me know when you post the next part of your story. I would love to see where you take this! c:
Keep writing!
~Shady
you have given me so much confidence now, shady. thank you so much. this is such a great help. Because of you i am going to publish the rest of the book, as long as you keep reading and giving me feedback! this is really constructive feedback. i can't stress enough how grateful i am.
Wow, I'm glad that I could help! ^-^
I was totally serious about letting me know once you post more. I'd be glad to read and review it. c:
Hi!
Might I ask why the story is in bold? It's a bit shocking for the eyes to see so much.
Anyways, back to the review!
I like the first few paragraphs and how there is not too much of a data dump of information. It's nice how the characters thoughts are embedded while you explain the backstory.
You might want to draw a clearer connection to the necromancer and the goulrath, though. It's too quick of a jump from one thought to the next, and it's hard to tell what the character was thinking of the get to this idea.
In another paragraph, you mention how the king is angry, then nervous. You might want to link those together, because those can be two similar yet extremely different emotions. It also seems like he transitions to quickly between those two emotions.
I can't really find much else wrong (because of time and space I only looked at chapter 3). Very well done. There's a lot of showing and not telling, and the descriptions are very nice.
I do have to suggest splitting chapters 3 and four into two different posts. There's so much of each and it makes it difficult to read all of it and once. I don't feel like I can take a break. It's hard to want to read one chapter, knowing I have so much more in one post to go.
That's all I have to say. Great job!
Hi ThatWriterGuy, this is Sherri!
I loved the dramatic ending; it wasn't what I expected! The story had me at the edge of my metaphorical seat the entire time. I loved how you paced the story, and how you set up the dialogue. Everything was balanced perfectly! I didn't see very many mistakes, but there were I few things I wanted to mention.
Firstly, in the first paragraph, second sentence: "Korsay Jeral, had been missing for a whole five days." you can get rid of the comma after Korsay's name.
Next, in the sentence "The Goulrath were a stuff of legends nowadays.", "...were a stuff of legends..." sounds a little off. You might consider changing it to something more natural-sounding like "...were a thing of legends..." or "...were the stuff of legends..." or perhaps change the entire sentence to make sure readers know you're talking about a group of people, not objects. I had to reread that sentence to make sure I understood it, which is why I mention it.
Finally, in the same paragraph, the "king" in "king Rupus" isn't capitalized like at the beginning of the story. Typo?
So that was basically everything I could find; after those first few paragraphs, though, I got really interested so I could have missed a few things. This story really captures your attention! Great job; can't wait to see what's next!