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Death Has No Friends

by Ctorrens


Death has no friends

Jimmy went to the scheduled meeting place and stood there and waited. He stood there in the dark of midnight and lit a cigar. Jimmy pulled out an expensive looking pocket watch with a gold chain that attached it to his pocket. He opened the clasp and observed the face of the watch with a sharp gaze. "Damn it! He's late!" Jimmy whispered to himself. He wondered where his friend was. This was a deal they had made when they were both twenty and moving away. The pact was to meet at the same dinner that they always hung out in when they were teens. Jimmy wondered if his friend forgot and was doing so well that he couldn't come. Or God forbid, he didn't want to come. They had been friends for as long as the sun rose and set. He wondered how his old friend was doing. If he had met a fine girl who cared for him and they had gone off to live in a suburban home. That was a thought that made him chuckle to himself. His friend always had a way with the ladies. The same question rang over and over in his head. "Why hadn't he shown up yet?" Soon a man's shadow creeped across Jimmy's gaze and made him glance in its direction. The man lit a cigar as he walked closer to jimmy. The man had a black trench coat on which was not buttoned, so jimmy could see he was wearing a black suit and tie under it. His shoes made a squeaking sound as they brushed the pavement. Jimmy glanced away and brought out his pocket watch again. That was Jimmy's prized possession. He had that watch since he said goodbye to his old friend at that very diner. He stared at his watch with his eyes saying that it was the time's fault. He wondered and wondered when was his friend gonna get there he had so much to find out and so much to catch up on. Jimmy looked up an glared at the street light. The light began to get hazey and he looked away. It now started to rain. Jimmy shifted his vision from the light to the man in the over coat. The man gave him a nod and headed over to Jimmy. "Oh God," Jimmy said to himself. The man came over and stood in front of Jimmy out in the rain. "You're Jimmy Henderson, correct?" "Yes I am," Jimmy responded. "I have news about your friend, John and why he couldn't be here. He found a nice girl named Cassandra. They settled down and got engaged. The wedding was this summer and he wanted you to be his best man." "Why are you talking about him in past tense?" Jimmy asked. "Because he... eh...he is uh I'm so sorry." "He died two days ago during a robbery gone wrong. He tried to stop it. He's a damn hero. I'm so so sorry. Truly I am." The man then walked away and disappeared into the darkness of the rainy night. "God Damn it! Why why did this happen to him? What did he do? That's right, it's not your fault God it's Death's. Because Death has no friends he has to take mine! Screw you Death! Screw you and all your angels of hell. You should spend your days lonely cause you'll never have anyone in your life! You'll be a sad being that's alone! You don't get to be called a man cause no man could do this!" Jimmy screamed into the sky with the rain pouring on his face. Jimmy then took his pocket watch out of his pocket and held it in his hands. "It's not fair! I don't deserve this and neither did he! Things don't happen for a reason. That's just stupid." Jimmy took his pocket watch and hung it on the door. "That one's for you, John. That one's for you." Jimmy turned away and didn't look back. He walked away with tears in his eyes and not caring his cursed Death and his angels of hell. Jimmy wiped away his tears as he stared at the street light again, but this time the light was more hazey then before. He didnt care.


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:58 pm
Sassafras wrote a review...



Hey, Cto!

Okay, I'll try not to be repetitive with my review because I'm sure others have commented on the same things. However, next time you post, go easy on the bold and make some actual paragraphs. A new paragraph should begin when someone else is speaking or the focus changes. You actually have very good grammar, so I have no complaints there. You do occasionally forget to capitalize "Jimmy", but that can be easily fixed with a quick read through of your own work.

I've also noticed that you do a lot of telling here - "Jimmy asked", "Jimmy looked", "Jimmy shifted". It gets redundant quickly and soon becomes a hassle to read. I know sometimes it can be hard not to mention the main character over and over, but you can battle this by adding more descriptive scenes.

Aside from that, I actually liked the story you presented here. The climax of your story could have had more of a punch to it though. I feel like it wasn't as affecting as it could have been, but that's just my personal opinion. Also, the way that the other man starts speaking to Jimmy is a little awkward. It sounds as if he's reading from a script, if that makes any sense. While you're writing your main character's development well, that other man needs a little emotion too.

But this is a good short story. You could expand on it a little more and it wouldn't hurt a thing. The pacing here is a tad bit fast, but that's hard to fight with short stories like this.

-RP




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:29 pm
FlowerPower wrote a review...



Okay so I liked the idea that you were going for but I think it just needs a little work. I think it would help if you were to break this up into multiple paragraphs, especially the ending when he is cursing death in anger. You had a lot of small simple sentences that don't tell much information or that could be made into compound sentences or just taken out all together. Um, to me the ending just seemed kind of predictable and left me feeling unsatisfied. His friend is dead and then the end. Also I don't really see much description of his emotions. Yes he goes yell and pitch a fit but that told to th reader instead of being felt. I didn't have any remorse or emotion for Jimmy. Also it would help if you actually talked about the dinner where he received
the pocket watch at, that would help fill in some gaps. You did a good job so keep up the good work.




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Thu Jun 12, 2014 9:23 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Ctor, Wolf here for a review.

So I do notice a lot of the major issues were pointed out by the previous reviewer, and they're correct in what they say. Though, I do have a little bit to build upon their words. I'm sure this was an accident (since it has happened to be before, the entire story being bolded) try to avoid bolding of stuff that isn't meant to be emphasized. An easy proof-read could have tipped you off that this was the case.

Jimmy went to the scheduled meeting place and stood there and waited.

I wouldn't recommend using 'the' here. Mostly because we, as the readers, have no idea what 'the scheduled meeting place is. Never before has this place been mentioned, so for future reference, try only using 'the item' unless it's been mentioned before (though in some instances it's alright).

The previous review touched on showing, not telling, but I want to reenforce this. All we are told is 'the scheduled meeting place', but where is exactly? Is it in front of a tree in a park? In an alleyway? I know it's told later on where it is, but introducing the scene soon is important as to not confuse the reader.

Finally, be careful not to overuse the word 'and'. The more 'and' is used, the weaker the sentence is. Sure it's grammatically correct to use it that way, but throughout writing, one wants to always keep a strong tone and strong structure. Another way to word this sentence, with all the advice I've given, is: Jimmy stood in front of the worn, old diner, and he waited for a friend, who was scheduled to meet him there.

The concept is nice, and this can really be a touching story with a but of editing. I assume in the end Death claimed him, no? I really like the bits of foreshadowing used in the beginning, when his vision was a little bit hazy, but chose to ignore it. Anyway, I hope I didn't sound too harsh, since I am only trying to help. (Sorry if stuff is repeated, I wrote this a while ago) Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




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Sun Jun 08, 2014 6:26 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello!

Raven here for a review.

Now, this was hard to read. Not only because you had it all in one paragraph, but it was also bold. I, personally would suggested turning that into normal text.

Now, reading this through, I see you've swore multiple times. You had no rating on this, maybe you should rate it 'L' for language.

Nitpicks!

He walked away with tears in his eyes and not caring his cursed Death and his angels of hell.

Stuff in red: That was confusing, maybe you meant he?
Stuff in blue: Hell is a place, please capitalize it. And I see you forget to capitalize it throughout the story. Please fix that.

The man lit a cigar as he walked closer to jimmy.

You're forgetting to capitalize Jimmy in many places, look at your work and fix it.

Jimmy went to the scheduled meeting place and stood there and waited. He stood there in the dark of midnight and lit a cigar.

I do not recommend using 'stood' there twice. Perhaps try other words there, or rephrase it.

"Because he... eh...he is uh I'm so sorry." "He died two days ago during a robbery gone wrong. He tried to stop it. He's a damn hero. I'm so so sorry. Truly I am."

Two people were talking there? You had two sets of double quotation marks.

I really didn't get your story. But then, that is my opinion.

Keep on writing,

Raven,




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 7:54 am
malachitear wrote a review...



Hey there! It's Binder here for a review.

I really like the idea behind this, and liked your little attempt at the imagery at the end.
Unlike the reviewer before me, I think the haphazard way of writing really took away from the story as a whole than it actually lent it in the way of plot and suspense. I think this has the potential to be a really touching, sad story, but it can't reach its potential because there really isn't much depth to it right now.

You should also consider reading through it and correcting minor stuff like spelling and grammar.

There are a few main things that I feel kept this story back:

1) Paragraphing/Spaces

Seeing a chunk like this isn't appealing to the eye, but it also doesn't give much respite to the reader, and makes it a lot more tiring to read. As a general rule, try to start a new paragraph every time you start a new dialogue, or if you're introducing a new idea, because that way you can start afresh. Also, you could use stand-alone lines for those that you need to put more emphasis on.

Spoiler! :

They had been friends for as long as the sun rose and set. He wondered how his old friend was doing[, and] if he had met a fine girl who cared for him and they had gone off to live in a suburban home. That was a thought that made him chuckle to himself. His friend always had a way with the ladies. The same question rang over and over in his head.

"Why hadn't he shown up yet?" Soon[,] a man's shadow creeped across Jimmy's gaze and made him glance in its direction. The man lit a cigar as he walked closer to jimmy. The man had a black trench coat on which was not buttoned, so jimmy could see he was wearing a black suit and tie under it. His shoes made a squeaking sound as they brushed the pavement. Jimmy glanced away and brought out his pocket watch again.

That was Jimmy's prized possession. He had that watch since he said goodbye to his old friend at that very diner. He stared at his watch with his eyes saying that it was the time's fault. He wondered and wondered when was his friend gonna get there he had so much to find out and so much to catch up on. Jimmy looked up an glared at the street light. The light began to get hazey and he looked away. It now started to rain. Jimmy shifted his vision from the light to the man in the over coat. The man gave him a nod and headed over to Jimmy.

"Oh God," Jimmy said to himself.


2) Sentence structure and Dialogue
First of all, you could afford to use more commas to make more complex sentences, and change up your sentence structure a bit more. In other words, use different styles of structures where you vary the placement of the subject and verb, or use more variations in sentence length. In the example above, You should count the amount of times you've used a pronoun (He,She,It) to start your sentences. You could change it by starting at another point,

for example instead of 'The man lit a cigar as he walked closer to jimmy. The man had a black trench coat on which was not buttoned, so jimmy could see he was wearing a black suit and tie under it'

It could be something like-
'The sound of squelching boots caused Timmy to look at the man again, and he saw, to his mild curiosity that he had lit up a cigar, and the smoke seemed unaffected by the rain. A striped tie poked out of the unbuttoned trench coat..'

This is also where you can be more descriptive (which makes it easier to change up the sentences)

Also, with dialogue, you could have tried to be more focused on the feelings of the characters so that you can express their emotion through their words, and the sympathy for the characters comes through more clearly.


3) Imagery
Instead of just telling the reader everything, you should try to show a bit more, through images. You can get a lot more out of reading something like that than if you spoonfeed everything to the reader!

For example, here-

Jimmy pulled out an expensive looking pocket watch with a gold chain that attached it to his pocket. He opened the clasp and observed the face of the watch with a sharp gaze.


Instead of saying expensive looking, you could have said that it was studded with diamonds, or inlaid with white gold or something. Also, to express how long Jimmy's kept it for, you could have mentioned something about the wear and tear that the watch has gone through by describing some cracks or faults.

Let the pictures tell their own story.

On the whole, it was quite an admirable effort, so keep writing! Good Job :D

~Binder




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 1:55 am
LoseControl wrote a review...



I love the hasty and informal way this is written, it really helps you get into Jimmy's mind. There are a few typos, but that's nothing that can't be fixed! Some of the presumed mistakes actually seem to improve it. My favorite thing about this story is when the man in the overcoat comes in and we immediately think the worst. Then, you use two simple sentences that make it seem not bad at all, almost funny even, and then bring us right back down again.

*Edit* I forgot to mark this as a review... Oops XD




Ctorrens says...


Thank so much I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you like my next story and as always follow me and I'll follow you and stay classy and keep writing lol




You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
— Anne Lamott