z

Young Writers Society


16+

Game On Level 0.3

by Niraco


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Game On Level 0.3

Throughout the night sleep was scares. Eventually I grew bored of tossing and turning and went downstairs to eat something. I cooked myself some chips and sat in the living room. I switched on the television and saw that it was nearing two in the morning. I groaned and lathered my chips in salt and vinegar. The aroma caressed my nostrils and made my mouth water.

There was nothing on the television so I switched to a pre-recorded show. Mum loved to watch crime dramas so I stuck one on. I was a quarter the way through the show when I ran out of chips. I went back and made some more before returning to the show.

When both the show and my chips were finished I returned to my chamber with a full belly. Joy was lying on my bed so I had to push her off. Grumpily she strolled off my bed and lay on the floor.

The ceiling fan was still on – it was never really off. I watched as it spun and hypnotised me in a trace of its blades.

I must have fallen asleep as the next thing I remembered was the door bell ringing. I crawled out of my sleep and stumbled to put Joy and Lady into my mother’s room. The two lazily clipped their paws into the room as I went downstairs.

I opened the door with my eyes half shut. Through the slits I could see two boys.

“Wha?” I mumbled.

Kern pushed past and walked straight into my house. Jason smiled at me and joined him. I was too tired to complain.

“What time is I?” I said with a heavy tongue.

“Nine thirty,” Jason said.

I don’t think you’ve even see nine thirty have you, Alison? I smacked Little Alison. Okay, fuck you and your violence.

I gestured that we moved into the living room while closing the front door.

“Why are you guys here so early?” I asked.

“We guessed you’d be asleep so we decided to give you a hand and get this place ready,” Kern said.

“The place is fine,” I said, laying on the couch.

“Have you gotten out the blow up bed? Have you prepared snacks? Or drinks? Have you set up the study so we can all play games? Do you even know what games we’re playing?”

“Okay, maybe the place isn’t fine,” I murmured.

“It’s a good thing we came then,” Kern said, pulling me up on my feet. “Go get showered and dressed. We’ll take care of things for now.”

I did as Kern demanded of me and stumbled up the steps. I turned down the temperature of the shower to wake myself up a little. The cold water hit me like shards of ice. I bit my lip to stifle my gasp. I resist the urge to warm the temperature fearing that if I do I’ll be lulled back to sleep. I spend no longer than is necessary in the shower. The water drips from my nude body as I reach for a towel. I wrap the cotton around me. It loving embraces me as I creek open the bathroom door.

Downstairs I can hear Jason and Kern laughing about something. There is also a small commotion which I start to worry about.

Hastily, I exit the bathroom and rush into my bedroom. I throw myself onto my bed, the towels embrace slowly starts to weaken. I stare up at the lazy fan. The wooden blades try to convince me back to sleep.

How can you still be tired after that? Little Alison questions with a shiver.

“It’s the heat,” I tell her.

Heat my ass, she curses. You’re just lazy.

She’s right. It took every ounce of my will not to march down the stairs and call the whole get together off. All I really wanted to do was play my video games and wallow in sadness as I mourned my mother.

A knock at my door causes me to bolt upright and clutch the towel over my embrassingly flat chest.

“Hey, Ally,” calls Jason.

A hot blush attacks my cheeks as I imagine him walking into my room seeing me so bare. “I’m getting changed!” I call.

“When you’re done could you bring down your console? We’ve set up the other ones in the study,” he asks.

“S-sure,” I stamper. “I’ll be ready in a few.”

“Thanks,” he says.

I wait until I can no longer hear his footsteps before dropping the towel and heading to my dresser.

Little Alison pushes me to wear clothes which show off what little assets my body has. I ignore her pleads and opt for my usual attire: a hoody and shorts.

You’re so boring, she complains. You’re little chest is so cute. So it off you big prude!

“It’s embarrassing,” I tell her, trying to shut her up.

She just rolls her eyes at me and allows me to get dressed without any more comments.

Once I am fully dressed I use the towel to scrub my hair somewhat dry. Afterwards I pull the top half of my hair in a messy bun, leaving the bottom waves to dangle from my shoulders.

I then proceeded to unplug my console taking great care not to bump it against my television. I waddle downstairs with the black box cradled in my arms.

When I enter the study Kern is sitting crossed legged on the desk chair. He spins round and round, his dark skin tinting green from motion sickness. He sticks his feet out halting the ride. Embarrassed, he rubs the back of his neck and chuckles.

The study was the largest room in the house. In the other homes on our street it is actually used as the living room. However, Mum wanted large space so she could work and I wanted a ‘game room’. In the corner is the computer desk. Papers, folders and little nick-nacks are scattered around the coffee stained desk. The computer is much more powerful than the one in my room. Little Alison mocked it as being a ‘tech-geeks wet dream’. The wall to the right held a LCD television which was hooked up to two other gaming consoles. Mum used the Wii for fitness and light party games along with the PS3 for movies. There was a small coffee table underneath the television which contained two drawers filled with games and DVDs. Most of them I never played anymore since the XBOX was moved into my room. The other walls had couches pushed lovingly against them. One was doubled as a bed since Mum would sometimes spend all night on her work. Whenever I had trouble sleeping I’d sometimes wander into the study to find Mum curled up with a blanket.

The thought of my mother formed a lump in my throat which I desperately tried to swallow.

Kern took the console from my arms and helped me set it up on the computer screen. Just as we were turning it on Jason entered the room with a tray in his hands. The tray had a variety of foods and drinks found in my kitchen. He set down the tray on the coffee table then exited.

“What’s he doing?” I asked, fiddling with the controls on the television.

“He’s making breakfast,” Kern said, stuffing a scone in his mouth. “Ee wans o-” Kern cut himself off to swallow. “He wants to be in charge of food.”

“Why?”

Kern shrugged. “Says he likes doing little things like that – since he never gets to do that kinda stuff at home.”

Kern was right. According to Jason, he barely had to lift a finger in his house. When he first came to our house for a ‘play date’ – as Mum comically put it – she made him do things by himself. Jason, funnily enough, enjoyed the new ‘responsibility’ and took on random jobs inside my home.

Kern and I set up all the gaming consoles before Jason came back down. His arms held up most of my games. He set those down also on the coffee table – some slipped onto the floor.

“I didn’t get them all,” he said, rushing back upstairs.

I couldn’t help but giggle. He was strangely adorable rushing around my house. Kern noticed this giggle and wiggled his eyebrows at me.

“You should pull out those killer moves you have,” he joked. “I’m sure he’d fall head over heels for your stuttering.”

I kicked his shin harder than I first intended to.

“C’mon, you’ve been eyeing him up ever since we first met,” he said, grabbing another scone.

“It’s just a stupid girly thing, it means nothing,” I mumbled.

Could you talk anymore bullshit?

I mentally pushed Little Alison.

“If you say so,” Kern shrugged and rummaged through the video game cases.

Jason came back down with a smaller amount of games. He set those on the desk. He dangled a USB stick inbetween his fingers. My blood suddenly ran cold as I remembered my act the day before.

“What’s this?” he asked. “It was plugged into your computer, you normally keep your PC games on these, no?”

My pulse raced and I quickly tried to mumble something.

“Ye-yeah. I, uh, it…” I took in a breath and tried to steady myself. “I actually won that contest thingy.”

“Really?” he said, putting down the stick.

I nodded steadily. “I played some of it last night but…well it seemed kinda strange.”

“Strange?”

I fanned my hand. “I’ll show you whenever one gets here.”

Just as I finished that sentence the doorbell rang. My eyes darted to the clock which hung from the wall. I was surprised to see that it had turned eleven o’clock.

I scrambled to my feet and went to greet my guest. Thorn and Cole stood at the door with overnight bags. I let the two of them in and showed them to my room. At first I was a little taken back as a blow up bed sat in the middle of my room. I pieced together that Jason must have put it there when he was gathering my games.

I told them to put their bags on the bed then headed back downstairs. We strolled back into the study as I told them where all the rooms were and what they contained. Just as I pushed the door open to the study the doorbell chimed once again.

An eager feeling jumped into my gut as I knew who would be on the other side. I was rather excited to show Emmy my home. While it wasn’t as flamboyant and glamour’s as her house I could guess that she would still, hopefully, love my humble abode.

Emmy stood at the door with a bright smile on her face.

“Ally!” she yelled merrily, as she bounced towards me with her arms open wide. “You smell nice,” she complimented. “Are you finally wearing that perfume I bought you.”

I blushed and nodded. “I n-never really had a chance to use it so I thought I would today.”

She pulled me into an even tighter hug. “Yay! I’m glad that went to full use.”

She let me go and strolled right into my home as if it was her own. It made me relax a little knowing she seemed so comfortable in – compared to her own – a rather tiny house.

“Where will I put this?” she said, holding up her – designer – bag.

I gestured for her to follow me up to my room. We placed her bags with all the others. She giddily pointed out mundane things in my house as magical trinkets.

“Oh, is that your mom?” she asked, pointing to a photo.

“Yeah,” I said. “That was when we were at Florida.”

“You look so nice,” she said smiling.

We exited my room and I heard the faint whispers of a whine. I opened my mother’s bedroom door while warning Emmy of the two dogs that busted through. Emmy giggled in delight as the two rushed downstairs. I ran downstairs following the dogs to the back garden. I pushed open the door as quickly as I could allowing the dogs to relieve themselves.

“Aw, they’re so cute,” purred Emmy behind me.

I laughed and placed a door stopper on the floor that way the dogs had free roam of the place.

We returned to the study and found Jason on the desk chair. He had booted up the USB stick and had clicked on the game. It was fully loaded at the menu screen I clicked on last night.

“We wanna see it,” said Jason, a grin on his face.

I swallowed nervously and walked over to the desk. Jason pushed himself to his feet and signalled for me to take his place. I felt the ‘gangs’ eyes on me as I gingerly sat in the chair. I grabbed the mouse and hit ‘play.’

Authers Note:

Okay I swear this is the last of the 0. thingys. The next chapter will get into the meat of the actually story I just wanted to get these characters fully introduced. I apologize if things are going a little slow.

Anyway, thanks for reading and - hopefully - review.


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1417 Reviews


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Wed Jun 11, 2014 1:47 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

So this is the last of your introductory chapters. I have to say you did a good job with them. Even though it's not really a prologue, I'm going to treat it as such and review that way. I think I might draw some comments from the other level 0s as well. I'm not sure.

Anyway, onto the review!

You've done a good job introducing your characters. Even though there's a good handful of them, you take good care of them. Each time someone new is mentioned I have a good idea of who they are in relation to Ally and who they are themselves. It's quite interesting to see, really. Like with Emmy. We know that Ally looks up to her and wants to be like her, which puts on something like a goddess pedestal. But, we get to see that she's just a girl living life. Especially with the scene with the dogs. From what Ally keeps saying about her, I expected her to be this prissy girl who would squeal and be absolutely terrified of dogs. But she's not and she actually liked them being there. I really liked that scene.

So here's where I'm going to pull all three of these Level 0s into one. I feel like you could've made them all one chapter or cut them down into two. It just feels like too much. I know that you wanted to have all those stories of Ally's friendships in there, but it seems like just a little too much to be an introduction. I mean, there's not much you can do about it now since you already have it all written out. But maybe think about just keeping these as the beginning of the story rather than an introduction? I think it'll work just as well :)

That all being said, I think these introductory chapters were great. I really have a good idea about who's who and what's about to go down. I'm still super interested about this video game Ally found where the character is screaming to her her escape. I can't wait to find out more about that.

There were a few grammar things I was gonna point out, but Wolf got them all. So it would just be downright annoying for me to point them out again.

Onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Fri Jun 06, 2014 9:03 pm
BellaRoma says...



Sorry. Had to refresh the page and that made me post it twice so I've edited the comment so the site doesn't think I'm spamming you.




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Fri Jun 06, 2014 9:03 pm
BellaRoma wrote a review...



Hey. Finally got round to reviewing your work. Glad to see this next part of your story. I didn't realise it was a prologue and just loved it as a chapter but, looking back, that makes sense. I can't wait to find out about the person trapped in the game because that really grabbed my attention.
Apart from a few grammatical errors that have already been covered there was nothing terribly wrong with this It's okay - I still understood everything. Also *whispers behind hand* I can't really talk to be honest, I know NOTHING about grammar. The only other thing I found was that there was plenty of description but I felt like I was waiting for the action sometimes which is a shame because description can really bring a piece together. Not that it wasn't working as it is just my personal opinion. You could turn it around and say that it's good as it creates tension. It is a review so I thought I'd better be honest.
Can't wait to get stuck-in to the actual main chapters and to learn more about your main character. Can I just say that I seriously love Little Alison. She reminds me of one of my own characters (feel free to read my work 'Imaginary Friends' if you're curious) and she's also quite funny in a way.
Keep writing!




Niraco says...


I suck at grammar too, glad to know I'm not alone. Thank you for the review by the way, it means a lot.



BellaRoma says...


No problem.
I've read the new bit as well, can't remember if I put a like on it or not.
The whole trapped in the game thing is totally awesome.



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Tue Jun 03, 2014 11:27 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Nira, Wolf here for a review. (Please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors, for I am using a tablet.)

First off, some little nit-picks:

Throughout the night sleep was scares.

So this sentenced confused me very much. After having to reread this several times, I finally just decided that what was meant to be said was: "Throughout the night, sleep was scarce." If that's not what was meant to be said, try to clear that up a little more.
Mum loved to watch crime dramas so I stuck one on.

The verb 'stuck' doesn't seem to fit here. Or is this supposed to be some kind of tape? So maybe it should be "stuck one in'?
The two lazily clipped their paws into the room as I went downstairs.

Some thing as above, the verb 'clipped' doesn't seem to fit the flow. Personally, I don't understand what is trying to be told here. Are they stretching? Padding around?

Also, about commas, I notice a serious lack of them where they are needed. Little, quick refresher on commas (I know you probably know this already, but sometimes a good refresher is needed to get everything in order, and this can be used for future reference, if needed. Please don't think I'm downgrading you in any way shape or form, I'm only wanting to help.)

Where to place:
1.) After a dependent clause.
So, you probably know that a dependent clause is a phrase or part of a sentence that cannot stand alone. Just remember that when hooking a dependent clause onto an independent clause, you need a comma, but only if the dependent clause goes before the independent. Otherwise, no comma is needed.
EX: When I woke up this morning, I brushed my teeth.

2.) In a compound sentence.
I notice quite a few of these in this piece. You'll have a nice connected, flowing compound sentence, with the conjunction and everything, but the comma is forgotten. Remeber to always have a comma before that conjunction joining the two sentences.
EX: I like to listen to music, and I will clean dishes while I do so.

There are other instances when commas are needed, but these are the main two I spotted in this work in particular. An easy way to check is a comma is needed or not, is if you would take a pause there when reading something aloud. Usually, there would be a comma in that space of the pause.

Enough rambling about commas and grammar, I want to give you this link just to help you know the appropriate usage of prologues for the future. (This is fine to keep for now, and its well written I must say, just as mentioned in the article, most readers will skip a prologue entirely.)

Overall, I did really like this. It's very easy to see the reality in these characters and their interactions. You develope them very well, and I can't wait to see this continue (being a total game freak myself!) Please don't see this as me being harsh and mean and saying you're awfula t grammar, because you aren't! Other than those silly little things, I couldn't find another thing wrong with it. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




Niraco says...


I am actually really awful at grammar, thanks for that little refresher. I'll go back - when I get the chance - and fix what you pointed out.

This actually wasn't meant to be a prologue. I originally wanted to call them 'tutorial chapters' but I stuck with just calling them level 0's as there is no game in the novel at that moment.

You're not harsh at all. Thanks again for the review.



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Mon Jun 02, 2014 11:33 pm
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Prokaryote wrote a review...



The next chapter will get into the meat of the actually story I just wanted to get these characters fully introduced.


There is no part of a story that deals exclusively with "introductions." Characters are formed through conflict (want + obstacle + action fueled by emotion = conflict), so without conflict there are no characters to be introduced. The people in this prologue are mere names adrift in a sea of directionless words.

You've spent more time describing daily rituals than establishing a plot. What is the story about; should I know? A mysterious game, maybe? If that's the case, why am I only made aware of it at the tail-end of this section? The fact this is the final piece of the prologue is concerning; it means you've spent far too much time writing about nothing.

My suggestion: Ditch completely the prologue and start, officially, at its end -- you've introduced this game, and soon after, presumably, conflict will emerge; fine -- as the story progresses you ought to be able to integrate the characters and show who they are by their thoughts and decisions at crucial moments. Remember, if ever you think to yourself "I'll get to the story soon; I just have to --" stop that thought in its tracks. There is no prelude to story, save the title page. Beginning, middle, end -- nothing before, nothing after. Every scene centres on conflict. There are no exceptions.

As for style, just keep writing. Right now your sentences are repetitive: "She did this and that. She did this and that." Has no flow, no pauses, no rhythm. Gradually, as you write (and, importantly, read) more, you're going to get the hang of things and move past the bland phrasing.

Good luck. I hear "Unka" is the in-name among Maori tribes this summer.




Niraco says...


Thank you for your advice, I'll keep that in mind. This actually isn't the first time I've tried to write this story. Each time I do the beginning is always the worst. I seem to be rather bad at introducing characters so this time I wanted to slow down a tad - I just didn't realize I had so much to say.

I am guilty of reusing phrases - it's something I am working on at the best of my abilities. I actually never had that thought. As it most likely seems. Like I said I've tried writing this god knows how many times and this time I feel satisfied with it. But I'm rambling here sorry.

Thank you for what you pointed out. It helps a lot. :)




Well, if I can't get this chapter to work....at least I will have exercised my fingers.
— Kaia