Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Game On Level 1.1
Level 1: Orium
The ‘gang’ crowed around me and an unusual sense of nervousness filled my stomach. I really had nothing to truly be nervous about. Video games were my element, the only skill I truly had.
The mouse was slick from the moisture of my palm. I tried to convince myself that it was the heat.
Just before I started the game I remember turning around and seeing black and white fur. After that nothing.
Floating in a white abyss is where I ended up with half opened eyes. The whiteness was harsh on my sight as the defining silence almost drove me to lunacy. Time and time again I tried calling out. I wanted to scream upwards to the heavens but my mouth wouldn’t move. I wasn’t in control of my own body. I just floated. I thought I may have been dead. However that was ruled out once I heard a familiar voice mock me.
Well, we’re screwed.
I was enraged at that moment. I was trapped in this bleak whiteness and the only thing keeping me company was a figment of my imagination. Again, I tried scream. This time my voice worked. As soon as my mouth opened there was a sudden jolt in my body. I then realized I was plummeting hell wards.
My eyes slowly blinked open. The heat was beating down on me merciless. A bright shining sun sat proudly above my head in a cloudless sky. I didn’t remember heading outside. When realization hit me I tried exceedingly hard to scrambled to my feet. I failed and hit the ground with a thud. Sand greeted my fall happily. I sat on my knees and spit out the dry sand from my mouth. With the back of my hand I rubbed my tongue harshly. My eyes flashed open and I stopped mid-lick when I noticed my surroundings.
From as far as I could see there was nothing but sand. I bit my lip trying to stop myself from panicking. It was futile as I started to run in any direction. Little Alison was talking in my ear but I ignored whatever she was saying. I just kept running. My eyes were bubbling from tears which quickly dried in the desert.
I don’t know how long my legs moved for nor did I really care. Eventually after pure exhaustion - and slight dehydration – took over I fell back down on my knees. Little Alison was still fruitlessly trying to get me to hear her but I wouldn’t. My breathing became labored and I went to pull at my clothes. Instead of the comforting hoody I previously had worn a piece of hard metal greeted my fingers. I looked down and studied my new attire. My torso was covered in detailed and integrate amour both leather and metal. Darkly tanned leather slacks comfortably fit my legs as did the sturdy leather boots which curved perfectly with my calves.
It was impossible. The whole situation I had been thrusted into was completely impossible, yet there I was. In a desert, with what seemed to be battle armor. At first I didn’t recognize the desert.
My thoughts drifted back, all we were doing was playing a game then-
Ding, ding, ding we have a winner! Little Alison angrily yelled.
“Im-impossible,” I croaked, through dry lips.
Then what other explanation do you have? She questioned, putting her hand on my shoulder as a form of comfort. Ally, look over there. She pointed just ahead of where I had collapsed.
It was a dune. The very dune from the game. I tried to think back to what was up on that dune. Suddenly the chest came to my mind. With a new found will I sprang back to life and raced towards the dune. Twice I tripped on hidden rocks buried in the sand. Each time I picked myself up as Little Alison mocked me. Eventually I reached the chest in the exact same spot it was in the game. I shook away my disbelief as I bent down ready to try and open it. I stopped mid-way as I remembered what happened next in the game. I stood straight and looked at the horizons. There was no sign of any army vastly approaching. I put together my knowledge of video games and came to the conclusion that if I touched the chest then the army would appear.
Whatever is in that chest must be important, said Little Alison. See if you can find a way to open it before the army comes.
I stumbled back down to the bottom of the dune where I tripped on the rocks. I picked up the biggest one my spaghetti arms could carry. With Little Alison niggling in my ear, I was half way to the top when I heard something.
“Somebody! Anybody!” the voice was in a state of panic.
I dropped the rock just barely missing my feet and raced back down the dune and towards the voice. Never had I heard something so sweat as Kern’s voice as he hopelessly wandered through the desert.
“KERN!” I screamed with all the powers left in my lungs.
He spotted me and his face lit up like a Christmas tree.
The two of us collided in a heap tangled in each other’s scared embrace. The two of us nervously smiled at each other. His emotions mirrored my own: scared, confused and very thirsty. He was also wearing the male equivalent of my own outfit.
“I can’t believe I found you,” I said, on the verge of tears.
“God, Ally where are we,” he asked, not letting me go.
“I…”
I didn’t know how to explain my theory. If I did he would define me as being completely insane. In the same situation, I know I would. Yet it never came to that, I didn’t have to explain. Kern had the same theory.
“You’ve played the game before,” he mumbled, holding me at arm’s length. “What was in it?” He almost yelled the question.
“A desert…with that same dune,” I told him pointing to sand heap.
Kern let go of me and started to walk in that direction. I explained about the chest and everything I had played. He didn’t say a word as I re-called everything to him. The only detail I left out was that the game wasn’t really mine.
You’re still feeling guilty?
I felt even guiltier than before. The mess we had suddenly gotten into was my entire fault. Was it karma? At that time, I believed it to be so. This was my punishment, my retribution.
We searched for my original stone but the yellow sand held it captive. Since Kern was the strongest out of us he picked up a much more impressive stone than my old one. With an uneasy feeling shared between us we reached the top of the dune and stared at the chest.
“Once we get near this thing an army will appear,” I said.
“What do we do after that?” he asked, looking at me for some kind of hope.
I rubbed my forearm nervously. Video games were always the one thing I was truly good at. Being able to live one out was a fantasy I had dreamed an uncountable amount of times. This felt more like a nightmare, and it killed me inside. The one thing I was good at had suddenly been stripped away from me.
“W-we…we should just try and survive,” I stumbled over my own tongue.
Gingerly, Kern got on his knees and pulled up the rock high above his head. The ground slowly started to shake. My head whipped to look at the horizon as a group of men appeared from either side of us. With a quick slam, Kern unlocked the chest and snapped open the lid.
A shimmer glint of silver emerged from the chest. It was a sword which I recognized as a two-handed claymore – since claymores origins lay in Scotland.
Without a second thought, Kern grabbed the sword. The two armies were dangerously close to the dune we stood on. The ran at each other will a loud bellow escaping their lips. A flurry of clanking metal and zooming arrows were sent back and forth on the battlefield before us.
For what seemed like an age, I stood transfixed on the battle. The army to our right had tanks for men but low numbers. The wore cosmic blue coloured armor. Towards the back of the army was – what I assumed to be – their leader. He commanded his small troop of arrow men. Or at least they looked like men from a far.
I was much more interested to the army on the left. They all moved in a noble fashion. Each of them wanted to be a hero. They risked their own lives in silly attempts to rescue others, they threw themselves in unnecessary danger and I had never seen anything so fascinating in my life. It was stunning to watch as they slowly began to overpower the tankish men.
Seeing an opportunity of escape, Kern grabbed my arm and yanked downwards off the dune. There was only seemingly one way we could go and that was through the battle zone. There was nothing on the other way and Little Alison kept bugging in my ear that through the battle was the right way.
Kern knows what he’s doing, just trust him, she said, with a smirk on her face.
“Stay close to me,” he said, clutching the claymore with rickety hands.
Kern entered the battle with me holding his shoulder. We were consumed by the pure violence. I turned my head to the side and saw a large chested man beat a warrior woman to death with his fists. Three other soldiers leaped towards him, they plunged their swords and daggers into his hard flesh. Blood dripped from his wounds and he crashed into the sand. The three men looked at their fallen companion with sadden eyes for a moment. After that sorrowful moment they leaped back into battle as if nothing had happened.
I couldn’t help but stare at the corpse. Her face was one purple lump, her nose had blood drained from it and her eyes terrified me. One of them was forced shut due to her swollen cheek, the other stayed wide open. I looked right at me. The hollow gaze met my own and I was rooted to the ground.
Unintentionally I let go of Kern’s shoulder. In that split second a soldier busted from nowhere. His sword was held up over his head and he charged right for me. Between the blank eye and the charging solider, I was stuck. I tried to tell my body to move but my commands were being ignored.
I stood with a scream lodged in my throat. A blade was a mere swing from my demise.
“Ally!”
Kern rushed between me and the solider, the claymore above his head narrowly blocking it. Kern broken my paralyzed spell.
The man was taken a back slightly at the sight of Kern. He went back for another hit. It was then I noticed a large cave just a quick sprint from where we stood. I grabbed Kern’s hand and pulled it into a dash.
“What are you doing!” Kern yelled, clearly disappointed at the lack of a fight.
With adrenaline buzzing through my blood, I was unable to answer him. We dodged, ducked, dove and dashed towards the cave. We finally reached the cooling stone cave with a few bruises and scrapes. Some people had seen us enter the cave but they paid no attention to us. I questioned why.
Kern and I hid behind the largest rock at the mouth of the cave. Every so often one of us would take a peek at the battle that still raged on.
I was able to watch the battle finally end after an eternity of waiting in that cooling cave.
In the center of the war were two men. One had skin paler than snow and golden fair hair which blended into the sand. He wasn’t like the tankish brutes previously seen. That didn’t mean he wasn’t muscular, far from it. His arms looked lager than Kern's thighs. However, he was much shorter than the man he battled against. The other man had jet black shaggy hair which was pulled back into a band. He moved like water as he fought. The strong man clearly was having a hard time keeping up with the taller black-haired fighter. With every strong jab the man easily maneuverer around and get his own hit. Finally, the black-haired man stopped toying with the brute. He whipped out his saber – which hadn’t left its sheath. With one easy flowing motion, he struck the man in his chest. Blood seeped through the fatal wound and he dropped dead.
I had gotten so engrossed by the fight I hadn’t noticed that I had stood up. Kern yanked me down.
“Do you want them to come looking for us?” he hissed.
I looked away from Kern and back to the battle. The leader of the cosmic-blue army called to his troops to fall back. The tankish men did so with hurting pride. The lilac army rejoiced in their win.
A sigh escaped my mouth as I slumped back on the rock.
“It’s over, those in the lilac won,” I said, with an unusual tone of cheeriness.
Kern wasn’t looking at me, he was transfixed by the claymore we found.
“Well, look what we have here?” a menacing voice said behind us.
Suddenly pairs of arms grabbed us and forced us into chains. The sigh of relief felt wasted at that previous moment it was let out.
End of chapter
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Hello.
I haven't read previous parts of this, but I will try to give you some feedback on what I see now.
The bones of this draft feel good, but there's a certain lack of polish to the prose itself. The sentences and descriptions feel like they could be sharper, more focused, more to the point. You repeat the same words and sentences a lot, such as at he very end where "a menacing voice said behind us" followed by "suddenly pairs of arms grabbed us". That little repetition of "us" is what I'm talking about when I say it lacks polish.
Also, on the word "suddenly": avoid it. If something is truly sudden, you don't need to announce it.
Your pacing might be a tad fast; the opening of this feels like you're jumping from one event to another without much of a smooth transition. Again, this could simply be a lack of polish.
You're most certainly on the right track. Your pacing is solid, I didn't spot any grammar errors, and you had a purpose to the scene. Most of what I'm pointing out is stuff that comes with time and rewriting.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
I would assume you meant "crowded."
Quick little word games, such as this, help to liven up and speed up moments in the story where long strings of explanations or descriptions drag on. Moments such as this, where dialogue is not present, substitute for it well enough, and do the trick. The reader stays interested.
And then I read all the way to the end.
Honestly, I don't have much to say about this piece. I found few mistakes with it, and practically no parts where I found myself thinking, "well this sucks." It was well rounded, and fun to read. But at the same time, there was nothing in it that made me say, "exalted crap! This is amazing!" It was so-so. Nothing spectacular, but nothing terrible.
Speaking directly about the plot, it was something I've always thought would be fun to write about, because anything could happen. And just about anything is happening with your story.
Thank you Niraco!
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Hey there, Niraco! GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this fantastic Friday night!
Before we get this review underway, let me take a minute to lay out some minor housekeeping details. First, I'll talk about a few things that I thought you did very well with this one. Then, I'll try to offer you some constructive criticisms later on in the review. I haven't read any of the other chapters of this series, so I'll be reviewing this one based on the thematic, conceptual, and narrative elements rather than plot-based things.


3,2,1, BLAST OFF!!!
The very first thing that hit me about this chapter was the way that you've developed the world in which it takes place. Like I said, I have not had the pleasure of reading the other chapters, but from reading this one it really seems like you've put a lot of thought into translating the imaginary world in your mind onto the paper. Often when we write fantasy novels or just fantasy in general, one of the hardest things to do is to make what we've thought up seem realistic to our readers. Even harder than that is doing it in such a way that helps the reader buy into it. If you can achieve that type of effect though where the reader is constantly enthralled with the settings and the nuances of your world, it will work wonders towards helping you maintain a solid audience going forward.
Secondly, your dialogue is interesting too. I feel like I have gotten a really good glimpse into each of these characters and what they are like through their conversations, especially the one between Ally and Kern. Your inner dialogue and the persona of Little Allison is really cool too. Sometimes a personified inner voice can come across as being a little bit corny, but here I think you've made it work quite decently. It actually adds a whole different dimension to the story and adds another layer to the character of Ally.
Now then, for the constructive criticisms.
Although you seem to have developed this imaginary world pretty well, I was left wanting a little bit more description as far as setting and imagery. I could tell what was going on, but I feel like it would be worth your time to go back and add in a little bit more physical and sensory detail. Personally, I'm one for really drawn-out and over-the-top description, and I'm not saying you have to go all F. Scott Fitzgerald with it, just try to spice it up around the edges a little bit.
The next suggestion I would offer you concerns your narrative elements. It seems like you know what kind of story you want to tell and how you want to tell it, but your narrative voice seems like it's just a little bit underdeveloped at this point. By that I mean that it seems like you haven't really found the groove yet as far as really making your main character's way of narrating unique and original. I know that it's early in this novel, and the narrative voice is something that sometimes takes a while to really establish itself, but I would consider developing it further moving forward. I feel like Ally is a pretty interesting character but I also feel like she's a lot more nuanced than this narration would suggest.
Lastly, but certainly not least, would be your syntax. This one kinda goes hand in hand with the narrative voice in the way that having a developed narrative voice will help you improve your syntax greatly. Sentence structure is very important to establishing the general tone of a work, so mastering it will be really effective in moving your story forward in the exact way that you want it to come across. In this chapter, I found that many of your sentences just come out a little but awkward and there are also some minor spacing, word choice, and spelling errors too. None of this is stuff that cannot be easily remedied, but I think that if anything should be prioritized it would be syntax. One of the other things I mentioned was that I think you should try to employ more dramatic descriptions. Using slightly more sophisticated sentences will help you do this and will also help you to establish a specific tone. However, make sure that you try to strike the right balance here! Syntax should never be something that places limits upon the development of your narrative voice. If you think it could work for you though, give it a shot.
I hope this review was helpful for you and I like this chapter you've written here. The characters and the plot dynamic are interesting and the conflicts are intriguing. Thanks for sharing this one and remember, never stop writing, buddy!