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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Black Fate Chapter 2 Skyrim fanfic

by kyddikat


I stepped into the cold fog of night, shuddering in my spare hide armor. I only wore it for contracts. I had made qiute a name for the Dark Brotherhood. So Shrouded armour would be an aweful idea.

Shadowmere was standing alone, waiting for me to mount. The Shadow Horse was strong and healthy. I envied him. The famine had no effect on him, he fed on the shadows of pain. That must be why he looked so good.

He took off fast, already knowing were I wanted to go. The wind ripped it's dark, icy fingers through my hair, as if it was a piece of treasure that it must claim before anyone else did. I  strugled to breathe, as the iced air of autunm clawed at my lungs. The ride was over too soon. Riften stood over us, looming in the light of the moon.

I calmly walked through the streets. I knew where this contract would be. Finding him was easy. He was right where I guessed. I entered The Bee and the Barb. My contract sat drinking and telling about a werewolf he supposedly killed. What bothered me was he said that the werewolf was ten feet tall and covered in mud and grime. He was either lying and had never seen a werewolf, or met a species confused giant.

"You must be very brave to kill a werewolf!" I spoke pretending to be interrested. He smiled at me, survaying my curvy body hungrily. The famine was good for one thing at least. I was angry though, this man didn't know a werewolf.

We spoke quietly, and I was able to get invited home. Good. Phase one complete.

As we entered Oric's house, (contract's name) I calmly unshealthed my silver dagger. He pressed me against the wall ready to kiss me. He would have too, if he didn't get my dagger in his chest. After that I pulled out the note, setting it on the floor next to him and walking to the door, so that he could bleed to death. A sign of merciless work.I emerged from the house not feeling completely alone. So I set off worriedly towards the gates.

A blistering pan shot through my head. Someone had hitt me with the butt of a blade. I toppled over, the force pushing me to the ground. A worse pain shot up my ankle. As if someone crushed the bone completaly. "Your head will fetch a nice price won't it?" A woman's voice asked in my ear. Fear swam into my brain. "Hold sti..." The woman fell dead to the ground.

I looked up. A man pulled his sword from her back. I didn't feel scared as he slid his arms under me. I knew who he was. Brynjolf, expert theif of Theives' Guild. His face was the last thing I saw before I blacked out.

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I woke up in a strange place lyin in a strange bed. Okay, the bed wasn't strange, but it was to me. "Sleep well Lass?" I then noticed Brynjolf sitting at the end of my bed.

"Let me guess, you want to know my name?" I asked sarcastically. Brynjolf smiled. He had shoulder leingth reddish-brown hair. There were stubby whiskers on his face, and bright, forest green eyes that danced with mischief. Overall I found him ruggedly handsome. He only spoke a few words

"Welcome to Theives Guild, Saphira." Brynjolf said before turning and walking away.


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Thu Jan 22, 2015 1:27 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 wrote a review...



*Claps* Very good. Saphira sounds like a natural bad-ass I'd like to get to know. But this is a review. The 2nd and 3rd sentences of the first paragraph, i would just put them together with a comma after "Brotherhood" It'll read smoother that way. "He was right where I guessed." I would just take out this sentence, its a little unnecessary. I would combine the "I entered the Bee and Bard." and the next sentence with a comma after "Bard". When you tell us what his name, just put ",the contract's name,". Also, would she really be using a silver dagger if she's a werewolf? Just a thought but it's your story. When Brynjolf shows up, it should be ",expert theif of the Theives' Guild." When she wakes up and he's there, it should be "Sleep well, lass?" "Lass" doesn't need to be capitalized. Sorry if i'm being harsh but reviews have a purpose. I really do like this though. I love how you left a cliffhanger :) props to you!




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:34 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to review this one work. It won't do to keep it here past a month, will it?

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
made quite a name


Dark Brotherhood, so Shrouded armour


an awful idea.


to be interested


surveying my curvy


blistering pain shot


Someone had hit me


A pain worse than the last


my ankle, as if


crushed the bone completely


expert thief


place lying in a strange


shoulder length reddish-brown hair


Saphira was rescued! Yay! I wonder why Brynjolf saved her. Then again, the Thieves Guild and the Black Brotherhood are close partnerships. It wouldn't do for the Thieves Guild if they found out one of its members stood by and watched one of their prized assassins get killed, now would it?

Keep writing!

-lost




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:32 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello kyddi, Wold here for a review.

Really the first thing I noticed when I read through, is how choppy and lack of emotion this is. Each sentence is usually just a simple sentence and they seem to skip around a lot. Yes, sometimes you have a really nice sentence with relevant descriptions, but you talk about this stuff like we're expected to know everything, for example the Dark Brotherhood. When I saw that, I was thinking, Whaaaat...?

Another thing, everything feels so rushed. Alright, the main character is standing there, then a horse appears, then he rides into a town, then he meets this contract (whatever that means), then he kills him, then he almost gets killed. Everything just happens so fast, so slow it down a bit. (I say 'he' for the main character because 'he' is generalized and I'm not sure what gender the main character is.)

I kind of wish there was more dialogue in this. Dialogue really can help with character development and maybe show a little more why he wanted to kill the contract in the first place? There was a great spot, when the two were talking about the werewolf. Finally, there are quite a few spelling and grammar errors here. I would recommend to go back and thoroughly reread this and pick out those mistakes.

For the most part, you have some really nice imagery and I could see a picture of what was happening in my head quite well. Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

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Tue Jun 24, 2014 1:28 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hello there!
It's been a long time since I've done any reviews, so you'll have to bear with me if this one isn't up to scratch! I'll do my best.
I haven't read the first chapter of this, so I'm not going to focus on character description/introduction because obviously I don't know how much you've done regarding that already. On to the actual review!

Whilst the piece itself was easy to read, I didn't find that it was very captivating. You've written many short, one line descriptions and I find myself wondering why that's the case when you've got such a beautiful world you could be describing. I think here you've fallen into the habit of telling the reader what's happening rather than showing them. I'm not going to explain the whole concept of show not tell here as you've probably heard it before but in case you haven't there are a wide variety of resources on the internet about it: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-dont-tell/ - I found this one particularly helpful.

There are occasional nit picks I found in this piece, for example:

The wind ripped it's(this should be its without an apostrophe because it isn't short for 'it is') dark, icy fingers through
but they're easily fixed :)

Overall I think you're getting there, but probably need to think about what does and doesn't need to be in the story. Take your time, don't rush through it to get to the parts you want to write. I often find that the more I enjoy writing a piece the more someone enjoys reading it, and the pace isn't as fast.
Sorry if this review is a little confusing - I'm very out of practice - but feel free to ask if you have any questions!
Icy.




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Thu Jun 12, 2014 2:31 pm
kyddikat says...



Spoiler:



I didn't know why, but when I looked at Brynjolf, my heart skipped a beat.




Brynjolf is pronounced Brinyolf





This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill