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Black Fate Chapter 1 Skyrim fanfic

I entered the sanctuary and looked around. "Mother?" I called. "Mother?" Where was she? I stepped down the small path was and looked around. "Babatte, has my mother returned?" I asked my good friend, seeing her sitting by the practice dummies.

"I belive so, I saw her horse." I nodded and climbed back up the small hole and exited the sanctuary.

"Mother!'' I gasped seeing the frail body.She leaned against Shadowmere, her eyes closed. My mother was a strong woman, she could take care of herself. But with the famine seeping into skyrim, She was pale and gaunt. Not unlike the rest of us. I helped her into the sanctuary and layed her on her and my father's bed. when I went down into the commonroom, I noticed something that I should have noticed before. A fool was standing next to a tall box.

"So this is the famous Cicero? Not much as I can see." I called out leaning against the wall.

The fool looked my way. ''Oh my, this must be Sappire!" Cicero said ina high bouncy delited voice. These words annoyed me.

"No Sappire lives here. My name is Saphira. Get it right, or your head will be on my platter Beefroast." I said angrily.

"Oh yes, Saphira! I should have known! Your beuty should have pointed it out."

My beauty. My weapon against contracts. Seduction. Never do I let anyone kiss me, I just wait until I am alone with them. Then I stab them and leave the note with the black handprint of the dark brotherhood. That is my trademark. The note.

I should explain a few things. My parents, Cicero's nickname, Babatte, the sanctuary.

My mother is Astrid, matron of the Dark Brotherhood. My father is Arnbjorn, Blacksmith of the Dark Brotherhood, and werewolf. My mother and I were both dying at my birth. I was so premature that I had no strength to survive out of the womb. My father changed into a beast and bit me, turning me to a werewolf, and giving me the strength to survive. Gabriella is my sister in the Brothehood, she is a High Elf and healer. She healed my mother on one exeption. My mother became barren. I was the only child born into the Dark Brotherhood. That is how it will remain. Babatte is three hundred years old. she was bit by a vampire at age ten. I used to watch her in Alchemy. It facinated me. After a wile Babatte asked if I wanted her to train me in Alchemy. She taught me all she knew, happy to ave a fellow Alchemist finally, she told me. The sanctuary. I am well, the best way to put it is an assasin. Actualy, that is the only way to put it. I complete contracts. People pay me to kill their foes or competition. And I always get the job done. My beauty. I look out of place here, but I am not. My feminine beauty is great. I have long, black hair, tanned skin, many freckles splattering my nose and cheek bones, and bright, beautiful, sappire blue eyes.

Kavis was sitting on my bed. I sat next to him and kissed his forehead. Call me heartless for killing to make a prophet, but I love my dog. ''Saphira, are you unimused today?" I looked up Nazir stood over my bed.

"I have completed all of my contracts for the month. But if you have not, I would be happy to fill them." I replied.

Nazir smiled. I was always happy to take a contract. "Take this one," he handed me a slip of parchment. A contract. "Unmarried man, stole a girl's heart and broke it."

I smiled. "Where do I go?"

Comments & reviews · 5
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Ok, big Skyrim fan i am, and especially the Dark Brotherhood. This is really cool but you do have some things to correct. the word "sanctuary" should be capitalized. "in a high, bouncy, delighted voice." If you use more than one adjective, put a comma between them, always. "Beauty" is misspelled in Ciceros's dialog before she talks about her trademark. When she says "I should explain a few things..." put a ":" after things, a colon is used for lists. when she talks about her mom being healed, put a comma after "exception". In that big paragraph you have "the sanctuary" take that out, it looks like you just threw that in there by accident, and the same with "My beauty." Sorry if i was nitpicky but i do like this a lot. I need to read the other chapters as well.

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cuillen Comment

this is really good i cant wait to read more

User avatar
kyddikat
Comment

Spoiler;



"Welcome to Theives Guild, Saphira." Brynjolf said turning and walking away.

User avatar
lostthought
Review

A Skyrim fan fiction. This is actually the first time I saw one. I use to play Skyrim, but YWS stole my heart (quite literally too. I paid 20 dollars for a new heart and it hasn't came in yet!)

Nitpicks

Spoiler
I nodded and climbed back up the small hole and exited the sanctuary.

And overuse alert! I believe when you are listing things, you use commas.

But with the famine seeping into skyrim, She was pale and gaunt. Not unlike the rest of us.

Maybe you can combine all of that. I believe the sentence could be But with the famine seeping into Skyrim, she was pale and gaunt, though not unlike the rest of us.

bed. when

Capitalize when

on my platter Beefroast

She named her platter Beefroast? Strange name. Any who, you need a comma before the name.

handprint of the dark brotherhood.

You should capitalize Dark Brotherhood

. After a wile

Wile? Don't you mean while?


Hmm, Astrid having a baby girl? When I first saw Astrid, I thought her a monkey. She was just sitting up there in her apparel, and the hanging limbs seemed monkey like.

Saphira, the DB baby. Also a werewolf baby, so why not switch it up by letting her only like her dog. Luckily you are not following the story line. Astrid doesn't strike me as a good mother, betraying one for all. (You for the rest. Didn't really work because the captain fellow wanted them all dead.)

Only chapter one? Keep writing and welcome to YWS!

-lost

User avatar
IamTraunt
Review

Hey! IamTraunt here!

Corrections

"I belive so, I saw her horse." I nodded and climbed back up the small hole and exited the sanctuary.

Needs to be 'believe'.

I gasped seeing the frail body.She leaned against Shadowmere, her eyes closed.

There needs to be a space between 'She' and the full stop.

But with the famine seeping into skyrim, She was pale and gaunt.

'She' doesn't need to be capitalized.

Oh yes, Saphira! I should have known! Your beuty should have pointed it out."

Should be 'beauty'.

This needs to be capitalized:
when I went down into the common room, I noticed something that I should have noticed before.


Cicero said ina high bouncy delited voice. These words annoyed me.

Needs to be 'Delighted' and 'in a'.

Gabriella is my sister in the Brothehood, she is a High Elf and healer.

I think you mean 'brotherhood'.

Themes

I like the various themes you have going on. One being the famine, it gives the story edge to it. Also you have a lot of fantastical themes such as elves and werewolf to it, which also makes it quite unique as many writers go for one theme, it being either werewolves or vampires (or both, yes, and we know what that would relate to). I also like the whole, I'm a murder and I leave my signature to scare people theme you've got here - its quite menacing. I'd be pretty scared if I saw that handprint, brr! You have a good range of things that make people intrigued, such as Cicero. He's quite a character! Sorry. Ahem. Themes. Right! Another thing I like about the murder theme is how she's a girl and she's not afraid to do it. The way you put it across makes her seem confident about herself.

Characters

I like the character of Saphira - she is, like I said, confident and unafraid. She is bold and courageous. I like that. You especially show this when she threatens Cicero to put his head on a platter. That is quite a statement! Wow. I'd back off I were him. Your description of how Saphira came to be an assassin is fairly interesting and how she survived from birth. Its interesting ;-)

Story

Your story is fascinating overall. I like your characters and your themes, your relationships are interesting if not yet properly understood, but still quite life like (to say the story is totally fantastical). I do get quite confused though. You say you will mention such things as: her parents, Cicero's nickname, Babatte and the sanctuary and then only mention a few of these things. Also you say one moment Saphira is talking to Cicero and then she is kissing her dog and accepting a contract with Nazir.

But overall, well done!

Tanks, but I only created the character of Saphira, the others are from the game (exept not Kavis).

Oh, lol! What game is it based on?

Uhhh... Skyrim. Did you not read the name.

Oh right! Sorry I'm really tired today ha ha x



It’s not unorthodox, I thought it was beautiful.
— Jimi Hendrix