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Young Writers Society



Castor's Tale Chapter 3 Part 2 - Plans Sabotaged

by Messenger


Running through the woods quickly, Castor arrived at a spot where a dusty trail narrowed between two massive oaks. She pulled the rope she’d been carrying off of her shoulder and looked for a good place to secure it. Her plan was simple, but a good way to get back at Kalan.

She looked around quickly. She had time, but not enough to waster by standing around. She quickly tied the rope to a sapling on the right side of the trail, and then ran to the other. She laid the rope on the ground and covered it with dirt and leaves so that it was invisible from someone coming down the path.

Castor then looped it around a tree branch and dragged it back across the trail, covering it once more in dirt and leaves. She then picked up her knife and scooted into the underbrush, waiting for Kalan to come along. He’ll enjoy this. And regret attacking me, when his face is in the ground!

A buzz behind her made her spin, and she saw a large bumblebee buzzing on a nearby flower, obviously enjoy the feast of pollen within. Just as long as you don’t sting me. Castor wasn’t sure how much time she had. Kalan had said that he was going to eat and then take the horseshoes to Mr. McTacosh. This was the only trail to the McTacosh farm, so unless Kalan decided to try to take a shortcut through the woods, he had to come down this trail. And then Castor would pull the string and trip him. It shouldn’t rough him up too bad, but it would possibly scare him.

The buzzing behind Castor was really annoying her. The hair on the back of her neck was raised. She really didn’t want the bee to come any closer. I hate bees! Get away you stupid thing! Last time she had been stung it had been a bad ordeal. Castor slowly turned as she felt something brush against her neck. But it was just a fly.

Then the bee came back. Groaning at her luck, she was about to shift positions, when she heard a horse coming. Looking through the foliage Castor made out . . . Kalan? But he’s supposed to be on foot! She couldn’t go through with it now. If she tripped the horse she could very possibly kill Kalan. She smacked her forehead and muttered nothing distinguishable. Kalan approached at a canter and Castor just stared at the place where she knew the rope was hidden. And then-

“Ow!” she yelled, standing up as something stung her neck. Then another. And a third! She tried swinging her arms back to squash the evil bug, not even realizing that she was still holding the rope in her hands. He spun on her heels and watched as Kalan’s steed clip-clopped right into the rope that was now taut, four inches above the ground.

Castor just watched, barely feeling the pain in her neck, as the horse stumbled forward onto it’s belly, and Kalan was launched like an arrow out of the saddle. He yelled and flailed his arm as he did a somersault in the air. He crashed to the ground with a hard thud. Sliced the rope from the sapling and yanked it away from the trail. With that she was off and running.

Thorns and twigs slapped her face as she ran. Now I’ve done it! Her neck stung and itched at the same time and the rope kept on catching on roots and shrubbery. Finally, nearly mad from all the pain at once, Castor tossed the rope aside, tried to itch her neck, but that just made it hurt more.

She ran withal her speed. Not again! Why do bees hate ME? What did I do to them? She finally broke out of the woods and into the village square. She hit the inn door running and headed straight for the kitchen, ignoring the stare and looks from the customers.

She spotted Miles at the fire and called to him. “I’ve been bit by some bees, where is the poultice you gave me last time this happened?”

He looked up, face white with powder. “Castor, where have you been?”

“Never mind!” she snapped. “Get me the poultice!”

“Okay, just hang on.” He wiped his hands on his apron and dashed into his room which was adjacent to the kitchen. He returned about a minute later. Castor paced back and forth as he threw some leaves and water together, making an awful-looking paste.

“Here,” he said.

She stopped moving and said: “Put it on quickly so I can get the stingers out. It itches really badly.”

Miles applied the cold and mushy moisture It somewhat relieved the pain with it’s coolness. Castor sat there, muttering to herself. Why do bees hate me! I hop Kalan isn’t seriously injured. I could have . . . but it wasn’ t my fault. So I can’t take the blame.

“Ouch,” she said, as Miles unexpectedly pulled a stinger from her neck. Then he pulled the other two. She grabbed a nearby cloth and wiped off the poultice quickly. Then she scratched the back of her neck fast and hard. After a few seconds she leaned against a counter.

“Ah, that feels better. Thanks Miles.” She ruffled his hair. “you’re a good pal.”

He smiled sheepishly. Thanks. But where have you been?”

Castor rubbed the back of her. Where have I been? “uh, I was at Ray’s house helping with laundry when some bees flew through and stung me.”

Miles seemed to accept the answer. “Are you going back?”

Castor nodded. “Yeah, I need to help her finish. Thanks for the help.”

With that she was out the door, before Miles could ask anything else. She began to make her way down the street. A lone horse was trotting down it coming straight in her direction. That was the horse Kalan was riding! Oh Triune, please no! She picked up her pace and turned left down a side street till she reached her friend Ray’s house. And she was doing laundry. Well I didn’t completely lie. She headed for the yard, trying to put Kalan out of her head.


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Sun Jul 06, 2014 2:10 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



So, I love bees, and therefore I must spend a moment admonishing you and giving you an alternative.

Bees are actually pretty chill. They generally only sting if they really feel threatened--not if you're just standing nearby. Honeybees, in particular, use stinging only as a last resort, because they die when they leave their stinger behind in a victim (because it takes part of their abdomen with them. Poor honeybees!)

They're important pollinators, useful to the environment, and unlikely to sting unless provoked.

Wasps, yellow-jackets, and hornets, however, are nasty pieces of shizz that will sting you because they woke up on the wrong side of the nest. So I respectfully request that you consider using one of these f***ers instead.

(Also, there are often a lot of them together in one place, so Castor could get way more than three stings, if you wanted.)

In other news, I'm sort of getting conflicting feelings from Castor. I mean, I can understand that she doesn't want to actually kill Kalan, but...I don't know, just when she was worrying about the possibility of hurting him too much or killing him, it seemed a little at odds with how violently she felt and acted toward him in the first scene where we saw them together.

Again, I really feel like this would be cleared up by you--if not the reader--knowing for certain what it is that Kalan did to her in the first place to make her so angry. Her feelings toward him and any potential concern she might feel for roughing him up to much will depend mostly on this (and then a bit on how violent a person or not she is in general).

Question: Is Triune the name of a god? I feel like that name's come up before, but now I can't remember...(my own fault for not reviewing yesterday, probably!)

May read more tonight, but otherwise you'll be getting a new review from me tomorrow :) Sorry if this one was half taken up by something you probably think is silly, but...I really love bees.

Blue




Messenger says...


Hey mummy, good point with the bees. I hate wasps and jackets and . . . will change :) Triune IS the God. The true one. And yesh, I should work on the history of the two of them XD

~Messenger



BluesClues says...


Is this "the true one" as opposed to that dragon that Kinnard is taking Susie to go see?



BluesClues says...


Dash it all. I keep forgetting this.

Image



Messenger says...


yes it is



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:33 pm
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tgirly wrote a review...



Hello and Happy Review Day!
Starting off at the beginning, "Running through the woods quickly," This line seems a bit off to me; the quickly seems redundant since running isn't often slow. If you're trying to say that he's particularly fast, I might try to come up with a different way to word it.

Even if you do take out the previously-mentioned quickly, the next paragraph has two 'quickly's in it, which is a bit much considering how short your paragraphs are.

It seems odd she didn't go and check to see if Kalan was hurt; I know she dislikes him, but she knew that tripping the horse could kill Kalan and she only sees him somersaulting through the air, then runs off to deal with her bee stings. Maybe this is supposed to show that she's too self-concerned. But she doesn't even worry about him, just complain about the bees always stinging her and it isn't until much later that she even thinks about him.

It's interesting that she so quickly thinks her way out of the blame. Too often we do this in real life without realizing it; we try to justify everything to ourselves.

Miles' hair must be very rufflable because both Castor and Jeric ruffle it.

Really good chapter. I always enjoy them. I hope this review helped a bit and I can't wait to see where this story goes. Once again, Happy Review Day!
-tgirly

'awful-looking paste', while strong word choice, isn't all that descriptive.




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 1:54 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Well since you already have three reviews I won't go into all of the nit picks or grammatical errors. I liked how you mixed some thoughts into this chapter since you didn't have a whole lot of dialogue in the first half or three quartars of the story. The whole thing with the bees was interesting too since not a whole lot else (aside from the tripping of Kalan's horse) happened in this chapter. I thought the chapter flowed pretty smoothly. This chapter was somewhat short but that's okay.

As always (at least with you) the ending of the chapter was pretty much flawless. The whole chapter felt dramatic but especially the ending. It seems like virtually every chapter that you write ends with a cliff hanger. You do know how to make the readers interested in reading the rest of the story. I am intersted to see what happens to Kalan and Castor. I hope you and Castor have fun!




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Sun May 25, 2014 9:35 pm
Milanimo wrote a review...



Hi!
Here the work out the green room!

"Her plan was simple, but a good way to get back at Kalan." You might want to add in "it was" before "a" and after "but".

"Sliced the rope from the sapling and yanked it away from the trail. With that she was off and running."
1. Add a "she" at the beginning of the first sentence
2. Combining these two sentences and adding an "and" in between would have a much better flow. Having them broken up is a bit awkward.

"Why do bees hate ME?" The capitalization is unprofessional. You could try adding an exclamation point at the end of the question and turning the "ME" to a word that is completely lowercase.

Overall, great job. It's a very nice work, with good imagery and great description. There's a lot of skill in making an issue with a bee very climatic. I commend you!

In addition, there's a lot of great "show don't tell". You don't mention too much, and at the same time, i haven't gotten a chance to read your chapters consecutively, but I can understand the general idea of what's going on!

Awesome job!




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Sun May 25, 2014 9:32 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Mess! How are you doing? I can't seem to get you to review this fine review day. I'll just review for ya. So close to my fifth star!

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
She ran withal her speed.

Are you trying to create new words? Why don't you stick with with all

I hop Kalan

Since when can you hop people? I must find out how immediately!

sheepishly. Thanks. But where have you been?”

Sir, where is the other set of quotation marks? I need to see them or you are under arrest.


Castor be in trouble! Naughty, naughty Castor. What would your young brother, Miles, say about this? "Castor, how unladylike of you!" Hopefully Kalan isn't hurt too badly. If he dies, it will haunt you forever.

Well, better review that other part before someone steals it!

-lost




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Sun May 25, 2014 6:38 pm
Jared wrote a review...



Hello there. Here's another review from Jared.

First, nitpicks.

She looked around quickly. She had time, but not enough to waster by standing around.

Typing error: "[waster] by standing around"


She laid the rope on the ground and covered it with dirt and leaves so that it was invisible from someone coming down the path.

It would be more proper, in my opinion, to begin this with: "She then laid the rope..." or "Then, she laid the rope..." because in the previous sentences, you also listed things she did.

He yelled and flailed his arm as he did a somersault in the air. He crashed to the ground with a hard thud.

You should connect these: "He yelled and flailed his arm as he did a somersault in the air and crashed to the ground with a hard thud."

Sliced the rope from the sapling and yanked it away from the trail.

You don't indicate who slices the rope from the sapling here. You just leave off with him landing with a hard thud.

Finally, nearly mad from all the pain at once, Castor tossed the rope aside, tried to itch her neck, but that just made it hurt more.

I would change this to: "Finally, nearly mad from all the pain at once, Castor tossed the rope aside, and tried to itch her neck. Unfortunately, that just made it hurt more."

ignoring the stare and looks from the customers.

"ignoring the stare[s] and looks from the customers." Plural.


Miles applied the cold and mushy moisture It somewhat relieved the pain with it’s coolness.

Connect these: "Miles applied the cold and mushy moisture and it somewhat relieved the pain with its coolness."
Also, [it's] is supposed to be [its] in this context.

“Ah, that feels better. Thanks [,] Miles.” She ruffled his hair. “you’re a good pal.”

Insert comma in bracket.

Praise and greater analysis
This chapter was an enthralling read, to say the least. You have an excellent vocabulary and a good sense for action. I was excited to see what came next. It's rare that I'll be interested in a novel just from reading a random chapter, but this was just so well put together.

My biggest criticism of this chapter is some of the obvious sentence structure mishaps. But, if you fix those, it will be much better. I'm glad I read this.

Keep on writing.





The continuation of our world depends more on the survival of the kindest than it does on the survival of the fittest.
— Arcticus