Okay, so here I *finally* am to review this (sorry).
I have a few nitpicks right of the bat. Now, this might be because it was a while between my first reading and my second reading, but I was confused for a moment by the name "Kalan," like who is that?
THEN I realized Kalan must be the guy who showed up at the end of the last chapter. I would suggest one of two things. Either:
1. introduce Kalan by name when he first shows up since Castor knows who he is (this is what you did for Jeric and Miles), or
2. introduce Kalan as "the man" and use his name only after Castor uses it in dialogue.
I think the first option better matches what you've already done in the story, but it's your choice. Either one works.
Her voice was raised and her hair was slightly messed up, but despite it all she was as beautiful as could be.
This line makes sense in the context of Kalan telling Castor that she could find a man if she shaped up, but I think it could be handled better. We're in Castor's POV (albeit third-person), and obviously SHE isn't thinking about how beautiful she is right now. She's concentrated on pummeling this guy. Again, I think you've got two options here. Either:
1. describe how she looks--not her beauty, but how the fight is making her look--her hair mussed up, maybe her face is red because she's angry and really holding back on hitting this bish--and then have Kalan's line of dialogue without saying that "she was as beautiful as could be," which a) she's not thinking about and b) we could infer just from Kalan's line, or
2. describe how she looks and then say "although she didn't know it, she still looked as beautiful as she could be" or something along those lines.
I like the first option, myself, but again, whatever you like. I just think it would be less of a disconnect between the narrative voice and the point you're trying to get across.
He's just a kid . . . a calmer and probably smarter kid.
He is? How old are all of them? I assumed Castor was a teenager, but Kalan seemed her age or older. Is he younger than she is? We need some outside indicator of his age or this line seems bizarre.
He stepped forward and before Castor or Miles could react he swung his right fist right into Castor’s jaw.
BISH.
(Sorry. I actually cursed out loud upon reading this line, so good job. What a @$$#*!%.)
But Kalan is an inconsiderate jerk. I mean he started it!
Is this the whole basis of their feud? I mean, yes: he is absolutely an inconsiderate jerk, and obviously Castor isn't the kind of person to put up with people's bull. But...it seems a little extreme that the whole reason she hates him to the point of constantly wanting to physically assault him is because he's an inconsiderate jerk. From his introduction in part 1 of this chapter, it seemed like they had a history that involved him doing something truly heinous to her and her family...and instead he's just a bish.
It's just a little inconsistent to me. Either Castor should have a really good reason for hating him THIS MUCH, or her reaction to him shouldn't be so over the top.
I like that Miles tried to come to her rescue, though. Sibling love! And I kind of like Castor flying into a rage...I just wish she had a more concrete reason for it. (I don't even know why I liked it. Maybe because I am the type who never flies into a rage, even if I'd really like to.)
Remind me to read more once July hits! I have a Squills article to write, a wedding to go to (not mine this time), work to go to, and still almost a third of my book to revise, all by June 30! But leave me a message on my wall once July hits, and I'll keep reading.
Blue
Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735
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