z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Castor's Tale Chapter 1 Part 2 - The Dispute

by Messenger


“Aren’t you a little old to be tossing apples about?” Kalan asked, turning around and wiping the back of his neck off.

Castor muttered under her breath and glared at him. “What are you doing here Kalan?”

Kalan walked over to the bar and poured himself a mug of cider, saying: “Just getting a drink, Cast-her oil.” He sneered. “Or should I say Cast-her apple?” He smiled cruelly at her, tossing two coins in her hand.

She snatched them and thrust them into her jacket pocket. Her face turned red and she stepped up to him. “You shut up you little weasel.”

He looked up the two full inches between the two of them and took a swig of cider. “A little immature to be insultin' people in’t?”

She scoffed. “You come in here and mock my name, and then you turn around and say that!” She cocked her arm back. "I ought to-“

“Castor!” Miles hollered from inside the kitchen.

She hesitated, half-ready to pound Kalan into the ground. “What is it?”

Miles stepped into the room, wiping away a curl of brown hair from his forehead. “Castor, really?”

She mimicked him “‘Castor really?’ Be quiet Miles.”

Kalan stepped back, placing his mug on the bar. “I think I’ll be going now. I don’t care much to interfere with family quarrels.”

Castor spun on him. “You groveling coward!” She slammed her cleaning rag on the nearest table and stepped forward. “Get out now or I’ll belt you!” Her voice was raised and her hair was slightly messed up, but despite it all she was as beautiful as could be.

“You know,” Kalan said, “if you weren't such an angry person, you could find a man real fast.

Before he had to time to react, Castor sent her fists flying. Kalan went stutumbling to the ground from the smashing blow. Miles stepped forward and grabbed Castor’s arm. “Come on Castor, stop it! This isn’t right.”

Castor was tensed and ready to pounce on Kalan, but what Miles said hit her. “Maybe it isn’t” she said in a quieter tone. Why am I doing this. He's just a kid . . . a calmer and probably smarter kid. Slowly she relaxed and Miles tentatively let go of her.

Kalan slowly stood up, shaking his head. “Well, well, well, you pack a punch I’ll admit. But you should never get me angry if you ain’t going to finish me.” He stepped forward and before Castor or Miles could react he swung his right fist right into Castor’s jaw.

Totally not expecting it, Castor flew back into Miles. He toppled back into the bar, knocking a cask of cider off of it. It plummeted and crashed to the ground, and Miles grimaced as he heard the snapping of wood and the splash of liquid. Then the kitchen workers shouting.

Kalan towered over Castor whose head was swimming like a school of fish, this way and that. “Don’t you ever do never 'gain . . . or you will seriously regret it in more ways than you think imaginable. “

With that he stomped out of the restaurant. Castor tried to stand once and crashed back down. Her jaw hammered and throbbed like nothing she had ever felt, but her heart raged like a wildfire.

Miles pushed himself up and started to run for the door, no doubt intent on pummeling Kalan.

“No, Miles, you would get demolished by him. He’s too big for you.”

Miles’s looked like a child, with the freckles and disheveled reddish-brown hair, and yet he had a determined face. He stopped near the door and turned around, hesitating. Finally he returned to Castor.

She let Miles pull her up and leaned back against the bar while he got some cold water and a cloth. He also had to explain to the workers. Or would he let her do that?

No, he’s too kind to blame me. She half walked half careened onto the nearest chair and sunk her head between her knees. Oh, Kalan asking for it!

“Here.”

Castor looked up and saw that Miles had a wooden bowl full of water and a grey cloth. He soaked the cloth and applied it gently to her jaw. She felt around with her tongue to make sure all her teeth were still intact. Satisfied that they were all still solidly in her gums, she took the cloth and soaked it again, then pressed it against her cheek, relishing in the temporary pain decrease.

Miles stood there looking concerned for her.

“Don’t worry I’ll be fine,” Castor said.

I . . . I can’t believe he did that!” Miles said, running a hand through his hair. “You’re a lady and he treats you like you were . . .”

Castor attempted a grin that came out more like a grimace. “Like a boy?”

“Yeah . . . but it isn’t right to treat boys like that either. That’s not what we’ve been taught. You really shouldn’t have struck him to begin with. Castor, why do you always get into trouble with Kalan? Ever since he moved here with his father you two have been fighting.It used to just be little things things since that pie accident, but now it’s escalating. Something big is going to happen.”

Castor groaned. “Please Miles, you sound just like Jeric does.”

“Is that bad? I mean what he taught us is right, isn’t it?”

Castor said nothing. She was slightly confused. Is it right? Is Miles right perhaps, that no one should be treated like that? But Kalan is an inconsiderate jerk. I mean he started it! She sighed which only made her jaw throb more.

Miles stood up. “I’ll go clean up that mess in the kitchen.”

Castor watched him leave the room, knowing that she should go help him. Come on get up! What’s your problem! Castor could here as the workers in the kitchen muttered angrily to Miles as he told the tale.

Castor looked out the open across the dust street. The blacksmith was built there. The owner, Kalan’s father, was pounding away at a horseshoe, sparks flying from the red-hot metal. And past the shanty where the forge, anvil, workbench, and grindstone were, inside the stable, Castor spotted Kalan.

She gingerly rubbed her jaw, anger bubbling in her once again. Forget what Jeric and Miles have said. Kalan is going to pay.


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Wed Jun 25, 2014 1:37 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so here I *finally* am to review this (sorry).

I have a few nitpicks right of the bat. Now, this might be because it was a while between my first reading and my second reading, but I was confused for a moment by the name "Kalan," like who is that?

THEN I realized Kalan must be the guy who showed up at the end of the last chapter. I would suggest one of two things. Either:

1. introduce Kalan by name when he first shows up since Castor knows who he is (this is what you did for Jeric and Miles), or
2. introduce Kalan as "the man" and use his name only after Castor uses it in dialogue.

I think the first option better matches what you've already done in the story, but it's your choice. Either one works.

Her voice was raised and her hair was slightly messed up, but despite it all she was as beautiful as could be.


This line makes sense in the context of Kalan telling Castor that she could find a man if she shaped up, but I think it could be handled better. We're in Castor's POV (albeit third-person), and obviously SHE isn't thinking about how beautiful she is right now. She's concentrated on pummeling this guy. Again, I think you've got two options here. Either:

1. describe how she looks--not her beauty, but how the fight is making her look--her hair mussed up, maybe her face is red because she's angry and really holding back on hitting this bish--and then have Kalan's line of dialogue without saying that "she was as beautiful as could be," which a) she's not thinking about and b) we could infer just from Kalan's line, or
2. describe how she looks and then say "although she didn't know it, she still looked as beautiful as she could be" or something along those lines.

I like the first option, myself, but again, whatever you like. I just think it would be less of a disconnect between the narrative voice and the point you're trying to get across.

He's just a kid . . . a calmer and probably smarter kid.


He is? How old are all of them? I assumed Castor was a teenager, but Kalan seemed her age or older. Is he younger than she is? We need some outside indicator of his age or this line seems bizarre.

He stepped forward and before Castor or Miles could react he swung his right fist right into Castor’s jaw.


BISH.

(Sorry. I actually cursed out loud upon reading this line, so good job. What a @$$#*!%.)

But Kalan is an inconsiderate jerk. I mean he started it!


Is this the whole basis of their feud? I mean, yes: he is absolutely an inconsiderate jerk, and obviously Castor isn't the kind of person to put up with people's bull. But...it seems a little extreme that the whole reason she hates him to the point of constantly wanting to physically assault him is because he's an inconsiderate jerk. From his introduction in part 1 of this chapter, it seemed like they had a history that involved him doing something truly heinous to her and her family...and instead he's just a bish.

It's just a little inconsistent to me. Either Castor should have a really good reason for hating him THIS MUCH, or her reaction to him shouldn't be so over the top.

I like that Miles tried to come to her rescue, though. Sibling love! And I kind of like Castor flying into a rage...I just wish she had a more concrete reason for it. (I don't even know why I liked it. Maybe because I am the type who never flies into a rage, even if I'd really like to.)

Remind me to read more once July hits! I have a Squills article to write, a wedding to go to (not mine this time), work to go to, and still almost a third of my book to revise, all by June 30! But leave me a message on my wall once July hits, and I'll keep reading.

Blue




Messenger says...


I hope it isn't your wedding O_O *Ahem*

Why thankee thar Blue :) Kalan is older then castor by about a year or two, and Miles is 15. Castor's 17. Umm, I don't completely have their history worked out, but basically ever since they met, Kalan has been annoying and harassed Castor, blaming her for one accident in particular that ruined any friendly relationship they might have had. And as you'll see later on, Castor gets mad pretty easily XDD And I love her

~Messenger



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Fri Jun 20, 2014 2:36 am
tgirly wrote a review...



Continuing to part two...
"Why am I doing this. He's just a kid . . " I didn't picture Kalan as a kid; you should make this clear earlier, especially since when she throws the apples at him, you refer to him as a man which implies he's old.
"He stepped forward and before Castor or Miles could react he swung his right fist right into Castor’s jaw." Unless it's significant in some way, I'd take out mentioning that it was his right fist; it seems unnecessary and I wouldn't have the two rights so close together, it makes sense, but it looks off. Also, Castor attacks Kalan before he can react, so it's a bit repetitive that now Kalan attacks Castor before she or Miles have time to react.
At the end of the chapter, I'm confused as to how old any of them are; I'd try to figure a way to mention that to the reader. Also, is Miles the older brother? If so, why is Kalan too big for Miles, but Castor is two inches taller than Kalan?
Other than that, this chapter was also great. It sets up the conflict nicely with a nice bit of drama and I'm interested to see how it'll turn out. Good job.
-tgirly




Messenger says...


gaah i really need to revise this chapter. Miles is 15, Castor 17, Kalan is about 19. i had a prologue but it was cut out. it would have explained the age questions.

~Messenger



tgirly says...


Okay; that makes sense then. I keep on forgetting to say I like your names. Also, knowing the ages, I like the dynamic that Miles is the younger one, but is the more responsible one. It's interesting.



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Tue Jun 03, 2014 7:12 pm
r4p17 says...



I am just wondering, why did you change the chapter name?




Messenger says...


hey, sorry it's confusing i know. Go to my portfolio and read Castor's Tale #2 . I switched the order of the chapters and it'll be easier to follow.



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Sun May 25, 2014 12:32 pm
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Milanimo wrote a review...



Hello! Here to get you out of the green room!

"She mimicked him “‘Castor really?’ Be quiet Miles.”

The mimicry seems unneeded. I understand she's upset but the mimicry seems like overkill, don't you think?

“Get out now or I’ll belt you!” The man was already leaving, so why would she kick out someone who's on their way out?

"you could find a man real fast." You need to finish this with a quotation.

"Kalan towered over Castor whose head was swimming like a school of fish, this way and that. “Don’t you ever do never 'gain . . . or you will seriously regret it in more ways than you think imaginable."

I get you're trying to show the personality and what the person is like using dialogue, but make sure it makes sense. "Do never" needs a "that" in between.

"Oh, Kalan asking for it!" You'll need an "is" after Kalan.

That's all I can really find. Good in and as always keep writing!




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Thu May 22, 2014 3:59 pm
Aley wrote a review...



Hey! Back again <3

The grammar things

“You know,” Kalan said, “if you weren't such an angry person, you could find a man real fast.

Missed an end quote again.

Kalan went stutumbling to the ground from the smashing blow.

Stumbling!*

Oh, Kalan asking for it!

And another one.

I . . . I can’t believe he did that!” Miles said, running a hand through his hair. “You’re a lady and he treats you like you were . . .”

This is not the only case of this one, but I'll use this as an example. Ellipsis should just be ..., no spaces. Regardless, there is some controversy over what the appropriate use of the ellipsis is. Some of the old school go with it being omitted information like in papers and articles. New school tends to say pause or omitted information.

Personally I think about it as omitted information, like if he was originally going to say "I never thought he'd hit you! I can't believe he did that!" then it could become. "I... I can't believe he did that!" If it's just a pause or a catch of the voice I'd use a hyphen personally. "I-I can't believe he did that!"
The second one is right, he did have more to say, it's incomplete, so sure, ellipsis.

Ever since he moved here with his father you two have been fighting.It used to just be little things things since that pie accident, but now it’s escalating.

Space needed after the period here.

Castor could here as the workers in the kitchen muttered angrily to Miles as he told the tale.

"hear"* not "here". Hear has EAR in it, so it's the one we can listen with. Here does not, so that's the place.

Also you don't need the "as" in the sentence. "Caster could hear the workers in the kitchen muttering angrily at Miles as he told the tale."

Overall I like the progression in the story, but I have no idea what our arch nemesis looks like. How tall was the waist basket she was tossing the apple into for it to hit his neck? Is he bigger or smaller than her? Does he have thick bones or is he some little guy?

I get the impression he's this big dude from Castor telling Miles to leave her alone. Miles is a responsible little guy, so he doesn't seem that young until we get to know him a little better. How old is Miles? How old is Castor? Are they teens? pre-teens?

What sort of village is this where they can stand the smell of the blacksmiths in center of town? or is the Inn on the edge of town?

Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself with the questions, but I'd like to know at least how tall Kalan is compared to Castor, or like, if he had to crawl up on the bar stool when he drank his cider, and how tall he is to Castor. I don't know how tall she is either. This is the first chapter, time to set up some details!





What will live longer, you or your words? Something to think about the next time you abandon a project...
— Omni