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Young Writers Society



The Stars in Her Eyes - Chapter 3 Part 2

by Noelle


Milo was the first one down the ladder. Sure enough, sitting at the table in the middle of the room was an older lady. She had gray hair and was dressed in a blue dress. She smiled and put down her teacup when she saw him.

“Son of Vex, how nice to see you.”

“I am no longer Vex’s son.”

“Ah, but you are,” Ida replied. “And you always will be. No matter your feelings for your father, he still is your father.”

“I know you didn’t come back just for a nice chat,” Milo said, crossing his arms. Ida narrowed her eyes, anger flickering though them. He knew that it was supposed to intimidate him, but he wasn’t afraid of her. Those days were over.

Cara and George soon joined them below the loft. They were cautious as they approached the table.

“Lady Ida,” Cara said respectfully, bowing slightly. Milo rolled his eyes. “Welcome back to our humble home.”

Ida nodded and took another sip of her tea. “At least some people still have respect for me. Thank you, daughter of Andrew; take a seat. You too, son of Charles. My dear,” she said, turning to face Jeff. “Bring us some more of your delicious eggs. And do add some pepper to them this time.” Jeff nodded enthusiastically as he hurried away.

Ida used to be a high member of society. She was the first woman not of the royal family to become part of the king and queen’s court. The king especially was very fond of her. He found her to be an integral part of his reign.

She gained much respect throughout the kingdom. The people accepted her as a ruler even though her lineage did not prove that she was. She always was for the people.

Over time, she became more popular than the king himself. People came to her even before going to the king. And he was starting to get jealous.

One day it became too much for him. He couldn’t stand having someone so close to him that was more powerful than him. So he ordered a witch from a neighboring kingdom to curse her.

But instead of becoming an ugly old hag that everyone hates, she was cursed with the ability to prophesize the future. She remained in power for months after that with no change. Yet after her first prophecy, her popularity dwindled. She prophesized that the king would die and the queen would have to remarry in order to keep the throne. Her new husband would be from the kingdom of Luvre, a rival kingdom.

Even though the prophesy came true, people were less than impressed. They didn’t approve of the events that she had predicted. So she fled to the outskirts of the town and made a new life for herself in the countryside. Only those still loyal to her saw her as a lady of power.

Milo had never believed in Ida. She was just an old woman who wanted respect for being able to see the future. There was nothing about that that was worthy of respect.

“Why have you visited us, my lady?” Cara asked. Ida smiled sadly.

“Alas my darling, I have come bearing bad news. Vex has been informed of the names of those involved with the Myriad. He has set more guards at the gate separating the town and the farming sector. You will not be able to make it into town anymore. I am sad to say that the Myriad has died.”

Rage built up inside Milo. “We won’t let a silly thing like guards stop us. The people deserve to have whatever Vex has taken from them. We will not stop until Esterwynn has been restored to its prime.”

“But, Milo,” Cara started.

“But nothing!” Milo was trying to hold his anger back, but he couldn’t. He had to clench his hands into fists to keep them from shaking. “We are the Myriad. Someone needs to fight back against Vex, knock him down by taking what’s close to him—his kingdom. We can’t stop raiding the warehouses just because there are more guards!

“We can’t stop, ever! We need to fight until there is nothing left for Vex to hold on to. He’ll have no choice but to surrender the throne. I’m not giving up. And you better not either.”

He turned and stormed off to the loft. He didn’t even turn around to see their reactions. They wouldn’t be good, he was sure. Cara and George would be stunned by how he had talked to Ida and Ida would be trying to hold back a smile and chuckling to herself. There wasn’t any reason to turn back to watch that.

He plopped down on the floor and leaned against a barrel of hay. The stray pieces poked him through his shirt, but he didn’t care. The physical pain couldn’t match the emotional pain that was taking over. He couldn’t stand it any longer.

Maybe he should just leave; start a new life on his own. He could continue going after Vex without anyone else holding him back. Yes, that’s what he’d do. The rest of the Myriad seemed to prefer George over him anyway. George could take over. He could sink the ship for all Milo cared. He didn’t need them; he didn’t need anyone.

It was at that moment that he looked out the window into the morning air. The sun had risen in the sky and was shining brightly on him. The fog that had hung in the air earlier that morning had disappeared. The farms looked like they always did. Everything was the same.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light near the gates leading out of the kingdom. When the light faded, Milo could see a small figure staggering through tall grass. They took one last step before falling and disappearing from view. Milo’s heart raced as he watched to see if they’d stand again. But there was no movement, no sign of them.

He jumped up and pulled on his sneakers before hurrying down the ladder to the main floor. He sprinted past Ida and the others who were still at the table, not caring what they thought. He had to get out to the gates.


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Sun May 25, 2014 1:43 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Mi amor! Hello.

Okay so I've no nitpicks, since I assume they were all covered by the previous reviewers. One thing I suggest: explain what made Ida so popular in the first place. Was it anything special or just because of her personality and what not? I am weird and want to know these small things. <_<

But other than that, this is getting good. I am confused, though. Didn't the previous chapter say that Ida had a prophecy? Yet she said nothing of the sort. Unless the guards on the gates doubling was meant to be it? But that doesn't seem much like a prophecy to me. Idk, maybe it's just me but I'm confused. xD

I'm betting this girl is the girl with the stars in her eyes, no?! I hope she is. If so, you must tell me asap and you must bring her in now and you must post the next chapter NOW so I can see for myself if it's her or not. o___o I must knowww... >_>

I was also confused if the king Ida was referring to was the one before Vex? And so he died and Vex married the widowed Queen? But the beginning chapter did say that Vex was Milo's actual father... so I'm lost xD

But besides all the confusion, this is getting so good and I can't wait to read more *-* Let me know when you post more! :D

~Iggy




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Wed May 21, 2014 2:12 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Noelle!

Alright, you finally posted another part. It's about time! ;)

I actually quite liked this part, mainly because we might finally see this girl with 'stars in her eyes' and I really liked this Ida character, though it would appear I'm the only one so far. But I'll get to that.

I still don't feel like I know these Myriads all too well yet though. After finding them, we've only really been told about George, who seems to be an okay character. And Jeff of course. And I'm disappointed in things with Jeff now; I'll get to this as well.

Okay, I'll write as I go along:

and was dressed in a blue dress.

Word repetition. Maybe? I don't know, I did notice it right away though. I'd perhaps substitute it with blue gown?

Suggestion
“I am no longer his son.”


Edit
Ida narrowed her eyes, anger flickering through them.

I felt she became angered a bit too quickly here as well. Maybe she was more annoyed instead?

Thank you, daughter of Andrew; take a seat. You too, son of Charles.

I guess she introduces everyone like this? Well, it bothered me more than it did add anything.

Suggestion
My dear Jeff, son of Steve,

Whoa! Everyone gets a parent named off, but not Jeff? What gives? Sorely disapointed. Jeff is totally going to be the underdog champion in this. :D

Ida used to be a high member of society.

Okay, now we are getting some backstory on Ida. Neat!

However, our other reviewers here doesn't seem particulary interested in it. Well, I'm in major disagreement here. It flows pretty natural with the story and it is definately not the worst place you could put it (what?). It's an important character and where else are we going to learn this information? Putting it in dialogue would feel forced.

I guess I'll disagree with Silver, because the fact that she was just someone who could tell the future definately wasn't enough for me. I need to know more there. And I got it. It was even interesting backstory, which got me really interested in the character. She could be a major player here.

She prophesized that the king would die and the queen would have to remarry in order to keep the throne.
Normally, this wouldn't fly. You didn't specify here, but I'm guessing that the king is the ruler by blood and his wife is only Queen by marriage. If not, there are a lot of coincidences that would put him on the throne before others. So unless the queen is a relative of his (ew), then she wouldn't have any claim to it. It would go to their eldest son, and if they have no sons, their daughter. If they have no children at all, it would go to the closest living relative, by blood. (Blue blood, yo.)

I suppose she marries Vex though, that sneaky bastard.

So she fled to the outskirts of the town

It's all too small! The Myriad hideout is within view distance to the gates and Ida apparently answered her attack by moving...to the outskirts of the town. Make things bigger. ;)

Milo had never believed in Ida. She was just an old woman who wanted respect for being able to see the future. There was nothing about that that was worthy of respect.
Kind of contradicting, no? And to be honest; her prediction was pretty convincing. Milo is weird sometimes.

Vex has been informed of the names of those involved with the Myriad.

Okay, he has posted more guards, that's all nice and good. How would him having their names make things that much harder though? Does Vex hand out mugshots?

He turned and stormed off to the loft.

I think it would be better if he stormed off to the outside, rather than retreating up into the loft. Especially since he would have to go up a ladder as well. Kind of kills the moment. Once finding solitude outside, he could see the bright flash of light near the gates.

Maybe he should just leave; start a new life on his own.

I like what is going through him in this entire paragraph, it shows his feelings and his stubborn ways. However, I'd put in a 'he thought to himself' somewhere. In a first person story, this would be awesome, but seeing as it's third person; I would put his thoughts more accurately out there.

And lastly:
and pulled on his sneakers

He has sneakers? What brand?

Alright, I'm really interested in what is going to happen next. Things are getting more and more heated.

Your writing continues to be excellent, I pretty much still have to nitpick to find any grammatical errors I do find.

Keep me posted on when you submit the next part. I love it!

Keep it up!


Cheers
Birkhoff




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Wed May 21, 2014 12:37 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Noelle, I'm back for another chapter!!

So, no nit picks. Yay! So I'll be rambling on content today.

I agree with the other two about the info dump. I felt the back story about Ida was unnecessary, as a reader I didn't really care. I think it's because the fact that she could see the future was good enough for me. Also probably the fact that I didn't know her and there wasn't enough intrigue around her for me to want to know all of that.

I loved the ending! I'm assuming the "small figure" is the starry eyed girl? She's here! Yay! The thing is though I hope that you have a good reason for her appearing right next to the Myriad which is I think a little coincidental, no?

Now this is the last and the biggest issue for me. Why do we hate Vex? Like what is it that he's done to make his own son turn against him? We need to know, and soon. It can get a bit tiring sometimes hating on someone when you don't really have a reason. I remember in the first chapter Milo and Vex having a conversation along the lines of:
Vex: Esterwyn is mine!
Milo: No, it belongs to everyone!
Now I remember Milo saying that last line in particular and thinking maybe Esterwyn is some sort of treasure. As I read on though, it seems to be their country. So doesn't a country need a ruler? Is Milo upset at his dad for ruling the country? As you can see I'm really confused about this. We need a reason to hate Vex, a good and solid reason.

Besides all that I'm enjoying your story! It's great :) Keep it up and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Tue May 20, 2014 6:59 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Heyo Noelle, I really like the intense ending... Oooooohh.
My specialty is nitpicking, Grammar Nazi-ing, and searching for awkward fitting sentences, phrase or word. I couldn't find any. Not one. Amazing.
So with that being said, I will attempt to dive into development.
So I agree with Mess on the info dump. It is somewhat just shoved in there. However, I don't think you should cut it out entirely. Since Milo knows of this information, maybe have him say it. Use it like Milo is throwing insults at Ida, since it is very obvious that he does not like or respect Ida.
I also noticed that in Chapter 2: Part 2 there was a ladder to get to the loft. At the end of Chapter 3: Part 1 Jeff comes up the stairs to get to the loft. And now there is a ladder again. I assume it is supposed to be a ladder, but this has gotten me all confused.
Another thing, I am not sure where they are. I don't know if I missed something, or if this wasn't said, but at the beginning, you say Ida is in the middle of the room. What room? Weren't they in a barn? Do you mean the middle of the barn? I can't seem to picture where they are. I would recommend to make this more clear (if I just missed something, then I am really sorry).
I really love this concept, I have a weak spot for fantasy. Keep me posted when the next one comes out? Good luck continuing this,
~Wolfare




Wolfare1 says...


Look at how wonderful how of a reviewer I was back then~ Don't you miss these quality reviews? xD



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Tue May 20, 2014 5:07 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



I am back Noelle! Hahahaha I am now ahead of everyone *laughs evilly* and you said I needed to catch up :) Anyways, let's see if Ida has anything worth saying, which I am sure she will

Ida used to be a high member of society. She was the first woman not of the royal family to become part of the king and queen’s court. The king especially was very fond of her. He found her to be an integral part of his reign.

No, no no! You aren't! No! Not an info dump on her history. I am serious, this is about the worst place you could put it. I honestly don't care why or how Ida can tell the future, I want to see why she is back at the Myriad's hideout.

Milo had never believed in Ida. She was just an old woman who wanted respect for being able to see the future. There was nothing about that that was worthy of respect.

WHAAAAAAT! Is Milo that much of a morn. She can see the future dude!!!

And here she comes! Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you have been waiting for! THE BIG REVEAL! I present to you, The Girl With The Stars In Her Eyes! And the crowd goes wild!
XDDDD Sorry, couldn't resist.

But I have to say, if Ida can see the future, why did she say to shut down the Myriad? Why didn't she say "The girl is gonna come today so you can disban since you can't really help anyway." Milo would have still been angry probably, but at least he wouldn't hate everyone for it.

~Messenger





The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White