The street was filling up with people quickly as the clocks tick-tocked towards 12 a.m. on the night of December, 31st.
People on their way to parties, from parties, to their homes, to others' homes, to dinners, to visit family and friends or simply staying home; all poured out into the street to watch the fire crackers.
Not a single star in sight, yet the sky lit up, brighter than ever, as soon as the clocks chimed 12, marking the beginning of yet another year. It was like a switch had been flipped in the heavens. Yellow, white, blue, orange - every colour of the rainbow was visible tonight.
But his eyes were not on what had made everyone look up with smiles glued on their face, rather, his eyes followed her.
The twinkle in her eyes, her hair tied in an untidy knot, with those grey- navy blue shorts and grey sweatshirt; she was by far the prettiest sight there, her happiness and excitement radiating all around her, almost like a soft glow.
And for the two minutes the show went on, he looked at his flawless angel, who no one else seemed to notice.
And just as the last of the lights dimmed, did her eyes move from the sky - those pretty, blue and perfectly almond shaped eyes - to look around among the sea of faces and finally stopped on him.
And their eyes met, marking the beginning of yet another year.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hmm. Sweet and short, yeah.
I'm gonna give a few of my thoughts and you can also think about them, see if you agree or disagree, and so what you need to edit this piece to just the way you like it.
1. There's not a lot of specific concrete imagery here. I want to feel like I'm really in this place. The only description I get is of the girl's untidy hair and her outfit, and honestly that makes me think of the millions of similar white-girl-tumblr-hipster pictures that are floating around out there. The problem with that is they are one in a million, as beautiful as they are, and leave no lasting impression afterward. They leave a general impression, but can you recall any particular one? You don't want your characters to be that, do you? If they feel like general impressions they don't feel real, and if your characters don't feel real, it's hard for the readers to care about them.
2. Nothing happens in this story! Generally a story should present an event or at least, at least, make the reader realize and experience something -- like a journey from the first word to the last. I wanted to feel like I read the story for a reason and learned something, but this story doesn't give me anything to carry with me afterward.
So I wonder, did it give you a concrete feeling? Did it give you something you wanted to carry with you afterward? If so, just work on bringing that out so we can share in it with you.
I'm intrigued by the idea of "yet another" instead of just "another", but there's not enough detail for me to have any idea what it's supposed to signify.
Let me know if you put up an edited version, or whether you have questions/want to talk more about my review. PM or leave a comment here!
Good luck and always keep writing~
Hannah
Thankyou so much for the time you took to read this and pass on the review.
However, i did not want the character to stand out. I intentionally made her 'just another girl'. It was about finding the perfect one.. looking through 'his' eyes, whom no one else would give a second glance. And that is why i mentioned 'who no one else seemed to notice'. If my character had something extra ordinary about her, there'd be nothing special in finding someone beautiful, when everyone else feels the same.
And for the story.. it is not a story. It is not meant to be. If you look into the folder this piece is in.. it's called ''incomplete scoops". These are not stories. They are just passages, solitary scenes. Its all upto the reader to create a beginning and an end using their imagination. For some, this could be the beginning of something romantic, for some the end where someone finds what they were looking for. There are a million possibilities, i want the readers to imagine and continue this however they want.
Thankyou !
Haha, you're totally entitled to make art however you'd like! Just letting you know that some readers will respond, then, the way I did. Maybe many readers will respond the way I did. So it's up to you to find the audience you want to deliver to!
Hello!
BrilliantMustaches here..
I think this piece is really beautiful and you did an amazing job of writing it. I lik how there was romance in it and it was beautiful. This could actually begin in to a romance novel. I hope you never stop writing.
Keep up the great work!
Bravo!
-BrilliantMustaches
Hi there !
Thank you so much for reading this.
Thankyou.
You can keep the story going in your mind however you want.
Take care ! <3