She walked out of the Building 13 B, with flushed cheeks and a bright smile on her face. She had finally, finally, achieved what she had been working towards, from the past two weeks.
She had gotten the ''good'' feeling the minute she woke up to the sun shining brightly through the window, without as much as a trace of a cloud.
It was her younger sister, Grace's 10th birthday, and the day of her Annual Staff Meeting where Mr. Reynaud would announce the next Chief Executive.
She blushed and stood up tugging her white shirt down, beaming at the sound of applause. She had expected a raise, but not the free accomodation and travelling allowances that came along with it.
The day had taken a few unexpected turns, making it wonderful. Finally, Grace could enroll in a proper school, buy new clothes and buy the treats she longed for. They were done with rationing.
She put on her ear phones - club music at full volume - and walked twice as quick, taking a shorter route to catch the last bus. She hadn't realized how late it had gotten while they were discussing the upcoming projects and now looked forward to a night of a small celebration back home with Grace.
She felt a pang of guilt when she thought about her sister's childhood, crammed into the tiny rooms they called 'home', wearing the same clothes over and over again, not having her demands fulfilled like others her age, yet never complaining. Things had gone downhill after the accident.
But tonight they were a step closer to building their way back up. She was in a happy haze, her own joyous bubble, oblivious to everything around her. She hummed the tune of the song without thinking, her feet moving automatically in the right direction, her mind focusing on the birthday dinner.
The song came to an end and she stopped in her tracks, realizing that she had been completely oblivious to her surroundings, oblivious to the darkened road, oblivious to the group of men only fifteen paces away, oblivious how silent the night had become.
She took a step back, and before she could form a plan of escape, a hand holding a choloroform - sprayed cloth covered her mouth.
The night had taken an unexpected turn of events.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Yo! Alvarin here for a quick review ^^
This should probably be: "what she had been working towards for the past two weeks", as the previous sentence was in past perfect. Also, I'm guessing she worked for it (as in towards it) and not from it?First of all, I have to say that you have a really interesting story here, which indeed to a very unexpected turn. I'd love to read more of it, so if you're planning to write any more of this, put a link on my wall. If you're not planning to write more, then this was one heck of an ending. I really like how it went from pink clouds and ponies to a group of imposing men on a dark road in a heartbeat.
You need to work with how this is divided into paragraphs. A one sentence paragraph isn't really acceptable. As a rule one paragraph should contain one idea. This whole thing should be divided in two or three paragraphs, not eleven.
Last, but certainly not least, here's the nitpicks I picked up on:
This sentence would flow better if you inserted a comma between "window" and "without", and I'd change the last bit into something "without as much as a trace of a cloud" since what you have right now sounds a little odd.
Here you need to work a bit with punctuation. Try something like: "It was her younger sister, Grace's, 10th birthday, and the day of her Annual Staff Meeting - where"
This feels a bit like a info dump about her clothes. There are discreeter ways of sneaking it in there. Example: "She blushed and stood up, tugging her white shirt down, beaming at the" Also, the "to" here should be "at".
You don't need to say "buy" twice in a row here, and if you remove one you'll just have two units instead of three. Also, remember to be consistent with the tense. "school, as well as buy new clothes and the treats she had longed for."
Firstly, I think you put earphones (no space) in, and headphones on. Secondly, "quick" is a verb, but since you're describing a verb you should be using an adverb: "quickly", but that doesn't sound very good, so I'd go with "and doubled her pace".
This sounds like it doesn't quite belong. Try something like: "how late it had gotten while they were [...] projects, and now"
In this case it makes more sense to write: "crammed into"
Insert a comma between "'home'" and "wearing."
Either write: "horribly wrong after" or "gone downhill after". I think it sounds better.
No need for a comma here.
Insert to between "oblivious" and "how".
I'd write "cloth sprayed with chloroform", the English speaking are afraid to put words together (which, as a Swede, bothers me greatly).
I really like this sentence ^^
Heyyy !
Omg, thank you so very much !
You just helped me with a lot of places i couldn't figure out what to write and ended with the okay-options.
I will definitely get around to correcting the mistakes.
I really appreciate the time you took to read this and pass on the helpful review !
Thank you again !
Anytime ^^ If you have anything else you want me to review, now or in the future, put a link on my wall
Good writing. I'm wondering if there will be a follow-up chapter to this piece. I was definitely not expecting that ending, but the piece was entertaining. I was curious to learn more about the society they are living in, where children have to live with rations. I hope you expand the story as I look forward to reading more.