Hi Everyone!
I'm trying my hand in writing again. I've never had the patience for anything more than a few paragraphs, but here's a starter. It's work in progress so I'll post as I go! :)
So here goes nothing.
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CHAPTER ONE:
There is a man. This man is no relation to me; he lives in my town and used to come in the restaurant at which I was a waitress. Every morning he came in and ordered a coffee (black with two creamers on the side), and occasionally, scrambled eggs and an order of bacon. Now keep in mind I was seventeen years old at the time; I went to the high school across the street from our restaurant “Stevie-D’s”, Trenton High School. The tardy bell would ring at 7:45, meaning I would have to leave work around 7:25 so I could see my boyfriend Ledger before school started.
I had to be at work at 4:45 because we opened at 5:00. I’m not a big fan of make-up, so the presence of it on my face is very rare. My normal attire is blue jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t dress up for school: I don’t really see the point in it. So what I wear to work only differs because of the apron I tie around my waist.
“Good morning pretty girl,” Mr. Bill would say to me every morning as he walked into Stevie D’s. Every time he greeted me as pretty girl it gave me a little consolation: even though I didn’t wear make-up, he still called me pretty. He may have been an older man, but compliments really see no age.
“Hey Mr. Bill,” I would reply with the biggest grin I could muster at approximately 6:27 in the morning (I’m not much of an Ante Meridiem person). “Would you like your usual today?”
“Yes ma’am, but today I just want my coffee. We’re havin’ a group breakfast at work this mornin’, don’t wanna be too full.”
“Yes sir. Black with two creamers?”
“Black with two creamers,” he smiled, pleased that I always remembered. I came back about five minutes later with his coffee, a stirrer, a napkin and two creamers. I turned and headed to the back to see if anything needed to be done but when I returned to the dining area around, about ten minutes later, Mr. Bill was gone, leaving an empty coffee cup, three dollars and fifty cents for the coffee and three dollars extra on the table; this was the usual tip amount he left me. I was a little confused: he always came to the counter to pay and tell me goodbye. This was the last time I saw Mr. Bill for the remainder of time Stevie-D’s was open.
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Our conversations were never too long, always short and to the point. I never really got much out of him, and he never really asked for much out of me. His age was never questioned, but I always assumed he was in his mid-sixties. There was never a day you wouldn’t see him without a hat on his head; it was one of those kind of hats that made you look a little taller, kind of like a baseball cap with a few extra inches on top. Old men around Trenton always seemed to have one or two; my grandfather had a multitude of these particular hats lying on top of his and grandma’s chest of drawers.
Every time he would walk in the store (I often refer to it as “the store”; it’s less of a mouth full) he would sit in the same spot and wait for me to approach him. I was the only morning waitress so seeing me there wasn’t unusual. I’m not a morning person and anyone who knew me, knew that, including Mr. Bill.
He wasn’t very significant to me when I first encountered him. I’d seen him around town several times throughout my life. Trenton is very small and my family is rather large so the chances of my parents or grandparents (father’s side) knowing him already weren’t slim; of course they already knew him and had known them since high school. I’d never heard them mention him until I asked them if they knew Mr. Bill. They just told me that he graduated the same year as Pawpaw, never said much and dressed the same then as he does now; he just had longer, darker, hair. This information gave me nothing I didn’t already know, but knowing that they knew the man would be keen knowledge to have sooner or later.
Mr. Bill, this man that had no significance to anyone near or far, had somehow captured my attention. This man was someone who didn’t care about the petty things going on in my life. All anyone else wanted to talk about was college or boys or drama. Mr. Bill liked to talk about books, art, history, things like that. He liked to tell me stories and relate them to things going on in my life now. He’d teach my life lessons without me having to “learn them the hard way”. He’d tell me things to avoid, like digging yourself in a hole you couldn’t find a ladder to help you out, or pooping in public restrooms because chances are, there won’t be any toilet paper.
He impacted my life a lot more than I realized. That day after he left Stevie-D’s, I thought I’d never see him again. Little did I know, this man would eventually become a great factor in my ways of life.
CHAPTER TWO:
It’s been a year since I last saw Mr. Bill. I’m a senior at Trenton now and time Is FLYING by. I’m still with the love of my life, Ledger, and school…well school sucks. I hate it. I try and try and try to make good grades and please everyone in my surroundings, but I guess the saying is true; you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Let’s start at the beginning of the school year…
“Emmy!! Over here! Girl I missed you so much! Ahhhhhh!! I can’t believe we are seniors!!” I turned to see Cassie Hubner yelling at me like a sixth grade girl on drugs.
“Cassie, you saw me like, two days ago, calm down.”
Cassie always over exaggerates things and likes to bring attention to herself, but I can’t help but love her. She’s been my best friend since the second day of fourth grade. We were both kind-of-but-not-really shy back in the day and didn’t really go out of our way to speak to anyone; this was pretty much how the whole first day of fourth grade went for both of us. The second day we were sitting by each other (but not saying a word) at lunch when Gabe Spinner threw his spaghetti on my shirt. This was the first time I’d ever heard Cassie raise her voice above what we all referred to as your “inside voice”.
“GABE YOU IDIOT!! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING AND DON’T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN!!” Her face turned so red I thought she was going to puke. She sat down, saying nothing more, opened her room temperature chocolate milk and sipped. I have loved that girl from that moment on.
Eventually our conversations elongated. As we learned more about each other we officially deemed each other as the other’s best friend. She’s obviously bloomed from a baby bud to a beautiful flower since, letting nothing stand in her way of speaking her mind.
“Yes, but I saw you at home, this is school . Our last first daaaaaayy of school. IT’S SPEEEECCCIAL!” She always drug her words out like this, I’d learned to ignore it.
“Oh shut up. Hey Cassie. Bring it in, hug time, come on.” She hated hugging people, but I was mainly her one exception, with another exception of humans of the opposite gender.
“Agghhh. Yeah okay that’s enough. Let me see your schedule.” She snatched my wrinkled up schedule out of my hand and begin to scan it. “Oh yaaaaayy! We have second block together! A whole hour and a half of Cassie-Emmy time, can’t get rid of me,” she said jokingly.
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Good! I can't believe that this is your first time! I was terrible on my first time. I would keep going on it as a chapter book. The suspense is killing me.
Hey!! Silver here for you with a review!!

Well there's not much I can say after Iggy and Isha stole everything *frowns*.
What I will say is that throughout the story I would get this feeling of almost knowing your MC and then losing it again. I think that you're close, just take Iggy and Isha's advice and you'll make this really good.
I really enjoyed the beginning and ending. The rest to me just felt like unnecessary information. Whatever you put into the story needs to be there for a reason. You tell us she wears little to know makeup, why? Why do we need to know what she wears to work? Knowing physical description has to add to the overall character of your MC.All that kind of distracted me from the actual story. I feel that the second paragraph could have easily been one line or a series of short snippets strewn throughout the story.
I really liked the end of the story! For some reason Mr. Bill being gone made me feel sad and a sense of loss, so well done on that!
I like the overall story of this. It was different and interesting. Keep it up and happy writing!!
Silverlock
Hello there!
I feel bad because my review basically echoes Isha's, but what the hay, I'll say it anyways. (hehe rhyme!)
I agree with the fact that you need to work on showing us instead of telling us. Instead of narrating this in a past tense, why not dive into a present tense and take us into the scene? Show us the narrator getting ready for work, arriving at work, serving customers, chatting with Mr. Bill. and then cleaning up so she can go to school. Take us with you, as if we were there and by your side the entire time.
Also show us why Mr. Bill has such significance on you. What did he mean? Was he just another old timer or a customer that you took a special liking to? And if your answer is the latter, then try to tell us why. What did/does he do that means so much to you? Even if you say there's nothing, keep looking. There's always a reason why.
But I do think that this was good. I just need more to connect with it, because right now, as I walk away from this review, I have learned nothing new. I don't know anything about Mr. Bill, therefore I cannot connect with him or feel pity for him or wish I'd had the chance to get to know him. So work on that, and make Mr. Bill so awesome that the reader will have snot and tears running down their face by the end of this, wishing they'd gotten to know him.
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
Thank you so much for taking your time to review this! At the moment it is the beginning of a short story, but something I plan to hopefully make into a full story. I've never actually been taught how to write correctly so I'm taking everything you are telling me to my heart and working on putting it in my writing. I'm writing and rewriting, including all your tips and corrections as I go!
Hey there! Isha here for a review.
I have no idea where you're going with it, so I'd have to read more to make a fair judgement about the plot line, or even the idea you've got behind the work.
Using this as a frame, I'd suggest filling it, and from there, I honestly think you could have yourself a pretty interesting little story!
So, I can't really say much about what I liked about this piece. The writing quality is technically not too shabby, and... I don't know, it's hard to say whether or not you have an interesting premise/idea, because the first bit is really cryptic
There are a few writing things that I want to mention, however, and the biggest one is this:
You're very, very technical, and not necessarily in a good way. You give us all of these very exact details in what's more or less list format, without telling us an actual story. It's like listening to someone who's obviously not a story-teller verbally explaining to you what their life was like "back in the teen years," and it's... kind of boring to read, honestly. One of the biggest things they'll tell you to do in the world of writers is:
show, don't tell,
and I'm kind of an advocate. Don't tell us exactly what happened, and all of the technical stuff. Show us. Write out the story, and use your character's thoughts to explain to us that she has to be at work inordinately early in the morning. We don't need an exact time- "I worked three hours before school started at eight" would do just fine. And don't forget to be creative about it, and to give your character a voice! That's like, the single most important thing in writing a first person story: your character's voice.
It needs to be unique to them, and it needs to accurately portray the gist of their personality. You can tell a lot about a character from their first-person narrative. As long as that first-person narrative is good. Get into your character's head. Tell us what they'd notice. Leave out what they wouldn't. What do they think about things that they do notice? Is their train of thought consistent and meticulous, or is it jumbled up and everywhere? How would it play out for the mood they're in?
Basically: I can't make a fair judgement on premise or on characterization, because you don't seem to have much of either
Good job and keep writing,
~Ish
Thank you so much for taking your time to review this! At the moment it is the beginning of a short story, but something I plan to hopefully make into a full story. I've never actually been taught how to write correctly so I'm taking everything you are telling me to my heart and working on putting it in my writing. I'm writing and rewriting, including all your tips and corrections as I go!