Just Like My Brother
Sometimes it makes me mad. Other times, I’m pleased to be compared to him, but those times are rare. My oldest brother has made many, many mistakes. Many. At a young age I decided not to be like him, not to hurt my parents, not to be the reason they yelled, or were upset.
At the age of twenty-one, the alcohol age, Timothy flew off the handle. He’s exactly a decade older than me, which means I was eleven at the time. Despite my young age, I remember everything…he used to be so kind, so in control. But things have changed.
We have another brother, Keah, who has a good heart, but a weird way of showing it. He doesn’t know when to shut up or when his jokes have gone too far. Even so, everyone still loves him. Our parents have always given us the world. Neither one of them came from money, but they have always done what they could. We’ve never been without, and never will be, no matter what…no matter what.
~~~
It’s the first day of my senior year. The day everyone returns to hell with lockers and continues to spend their days with kids they have practically known all their lives. But this is my last first day. I’ll be out after this year, free. My school is so small. All happenings, even the irrelevant ones, never go unknown. I could so much as pick my nose at the lunch table and even the janitor would know about it. If there was something you wanted to keep to yourself you either told no one, or didn’t do it.
I pull up to school half excited, half asleep. We get assigned new parking spots each year and this year I have the pleasure of being placed in one of the two isolated parking spots. At the end of our parking lot are two large dumpsters, just far enough apart to fit two parking spots. I have one of them and Phillip Brown has the other. He’s a junior, almost exactly one year younger than me. We went on a date one time last year, but I got scared and let it go. We haven’t spoken much since then.
I eyeball my hard-to-get-to parking spot and accelerate. Worried I may hit the large dumps, I drive around the parking lot to angle myself parallel to the white lines, which are now considered home to my little Toyota car, which I call Elvis. As I make my way to my spot, I hear a honk. I jerked my head back to see Phillip in his big green truck. I gave him a dirty look and jerked my head back around. At that moment, I drove through the wooden fencing in front of our spots. I just sit there. My face reddens. I know what’s coming.
I look back and see Phillip and his younger brother Grey laughing hysterically. Instead of letting them get the best of me, I put my car in park, gather my things, open the door and get out. I calmly shut the dented door and stood for a second with my eyes closed. When I opened them, Phillip had gotten his stuff from his over-sized truck and was staring at me stifling his laughter. I gave a sarcastic smile and walked away, leaving Elvis cozied up with the wooden fence it just broke.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
This was a simple, feel good story that I actually really liked.
"I At the age of twenty-one, the alcohol age, Timothy flew off the handle. He’s exactly a decade older than me, which means I was eleven at the time."- this seems a little bit weird of a sentence. Maybe something like, "I was eleven when the law permitted my brother to drink alcohol."
One of the biggest parts of the story that slightly bugged me was that I couldn't tell if the main character was a boy or a girl. I may have just missed it or it may be a concerted effort to keep , but it was something that I was wondering when I heard that Phillip had been in a relationship with this character.
Other than that, very well written and good characterization! Looking forward to the progression.
Hey there! Fighta here for a review
First off, I liked the way you set the story with that first bit. It was well-written and I really got a feel for the characters.
But then when it got to the actual story I felt a little let down. You spent too much time talking about stuff the reader doesn't actually care about. It doesn't matter to us that they get a new parking space every year and this is the best one. Why would it be the best one anyway, considering its next to two dumpsters? Wouldn't that smell? Anyway. Say what you want to say in that part with less words so we waste less time on it so we can get to the good stuff, then this piece of writing would be vastly improved.
Another thing that was a let down: when it actually came to the action part - the main character trying and failing to park her car - the writing was not as good as when you were writing the background info.
A sentence I especially had problems with was this;
"Worried I may hit the large dumps, I drive around the parking lot to angle myself parallel to the white lines, which are now considered home to my little Toyota car, which I call Elvis."
Firstly, you mean dumpsters not dumps, right? Secondly, using the word "which" in that way in creative writing is usually a bad idea. It doesnt sound good, it doesnt flow well. There are other ways - better ways - you can say what you want to say without using "which". Also, you used "which" twice in one sentence, which is repetitive. Repeating like that should also be avoided in creative writing.
Those are the only problems I found with it. I can see it has loads of potential! Keep at it!
Hello undertheshadow, Tay01 here to review your short piece of writing. To be here reviewing when nobody else had, it's just, amazing. It's ridiculous. Anyway, let's not waste any time here just blabbering about the histories of nothing, let's just jump straight to the point, shall we?
First of, I love your starting, it was a very good start to the story. I loved how you said that you did not want to be like your brothers.
However, this part of the story did not flow quite well.
Who is 'Timothy'? I know it is quite easy to tell from the story but that does not mean you shoulod leave that description out of the story.
"..., who HAD a good heart, ..."
This is a story, which SHOULD be in the past tense.
So is it a day or year? I do not get it. You can choose either of the following to correct this mistake.
-Choose to make it a day or a year.
-Describe a bit more.
~~Tay01