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Young Writers Society


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Fading Fairytales - Chapter Four (I)

by crossroads


(878 pretty bad words for LMS contest.)

_____

Come to us, the voices sang. Come down the path, follow and call our names. Walk down the passage, touch the walls by your sides, close your eyes and let the wind guide you. We will tell you of your past and future, we will show you fairytales and castles, fallen heros and crownless kings… Don’t you wish for nothing more than these dreams to end? Don’t you want to see the faces of these voices you keep hearing?

Carys sat up with a start, bringing his hand to his forehead. His skin was cold and sweaty, despite the strange warmth of the air. He could feel his heart beating, seemingly strong enough for him to hear it, and his shirt stuck to his chest. Leaning back against the tree, he sighed and closed his eyes, getting up a moment later. Even the bark of the tree seemed strangely warm as he touched it, and he found it almost painful to turn away from it. There was something comforting or reassuring, in the calmness of this tree. It stood at the same spot for hundreds of years, if not thousands, untouched and unharmed, its branches holding the homes of Carys and the others, as if protecting the younger trees underneath.

He smiled a little smile, turning his back to the tree and reaching for the basin to wash his face, and after short consideration spilled the water on his head instead. Licking his lips, he climbed down the ladders and ran his hand through his hair as his feet touched the ground, trying to come up with a plausible lie for when Sir Oristan asks him what he dreamt about.

*

The sun has barely risen behind the mountains in the north, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink, but the figures on the clearance have already been awake for hours when Carys joined them. Men and women in colourfully mismatched clothes rushed around four small fires, adding ingredients and discussing methods of the very same dishes they’ve been making since Carys was little.

He nodded and murmured his thanks as Lais handed him a bowl of thick soup, then walking away from the group and joining Sir Oristan. The knight sat with his legs crossed, not taking his eyes off his food and yawning as Carys flopped down next to him.

“...why is everyone awake already?”

Sir Oristan finished his soup and put the bowl on the ground next to his foot, stretching his legs. “Good morning to you as well. Have you slept well?” He raised his eyebrow as he turned to Carys. “Did it rain up in the house?”

“I spilled water over my head.” So you wouldn’t figure out I’m dreaming about things which shouldn’t make me react like this. He turned his attention to his food, frowning at it as the voices from his dream echoed in his mind.

Come to us…. We will show you fairytales and castles.

“Carys?” Sir Oristan’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Tell me what happened and save me the trouble of asking again, please.”

Closing his eyes, Carys nodded slowly. “I dreamt about losing a fight… A sword fight, with you, except it was more real than our trainings, and you said you had to kill me.” The knight stayed silent for a long moment, a small wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows, as he observed the boy. Carys opened his eyes, focusing on the nearly empty bowl in his hands, trying to silence the voices.

Don’t you wish for nothing more than these dreams to end?

He did wish that - he wished it more than anything, ever since he had that first dream a few years earlier. He was ten at the time, and it was the first time he remembered that he dreamt of anything at all. He had told Sir Oristan of it then, and the next time and the next - before he realised it only makes the voices louder.

“Don’t worry.” The knight’s hand ruffled his hair. “There’s nothing that’d make me want to kill you, not even all the sparring matches you lose to me.”

He smiled a little, and Carys did his best to respond in the same way, but it felt strange on his lips.

He wasn’t sure why those dreams made him feel that way, why they forced him out of his dreams night after night and why he felt like someone sewed his lips whenever he’d try to talk about them. The voices never did anything to him - anything but called him closer, lured him in those singsong tones, soft and careful, sending shrivels down his spine with every word.

And no matter how much he tried, even if he focused and thought of them before going to bed, even if he’d try and remember every word they said and mutter them under his breath for hours later, he could never meet them in the world outside of his dreams. They promised him fairytales and castles, heros and kings, yet offered nothing but echos of lost songs. They called him closer and asked of him to follow, yet whenever he’d try - whenever he’d dare - they seemed to hide, turning silent and just waiting for him to fall asleep again.

*


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Sat Sep 13, 2014 3:01 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Aria!

This was a fairly short chapter so there isn't much for me to say here. Firstly, I like that we are getting another point of view in here! It's opened me to a whole lot more questions and I have a feeling these voices are going to relate to the labyrinth as well. Ooh, the suspense is building and I wonder where this story is going to go! You've done a great job of building everything up and now I am curious about Carys's relationship with Sir Oristan and how they get to know each other. This point of view is also going to be a brilliant chance for us to the see the world outside of the castle - something I have been itching to know more about.

One thing I was looking for here and not seeing was some more setting description. We do know they are all living inside a tree, which is just fine. But it's hard for me to imagine them all doing this, and I wonder how the tree becomes a wall for the house? I wanted to be able to picture it better and the only way that would be possible is if you describe it to us :D As well as that, the house, I wanted to know more of what it was like. The people around Carys were given names briefly, but no descriptions. I wanted to know how many more were there and what they were doing. So, try and make us see everything through Cary's eyes and be able to grasp this new world better.

Even the bark of the tree seemed strangely warm as he touched it, and he found it almost painful to turn away from it


There are a lot of 'it's used in this sentence. Even though it's a small word it was noticeable ;) My suggestion is to get rid of the third one, seeing as it is not necessary and where I noticed the repetition most.

trying to come up with a plausible lie for when Sir Oristan asks him what he dreamt about.


I think the end of this sentence should be 'when Sir Oristan would ask him...' because that way we are sticking to the correct tense. Many people have nitpicked the places where you switch to present tense so I won't mention too much. But in future chapters, try and stick to past. And if it's hard to do as you are writing it all out, make it a thing that once you're done the writing for the chapter/day or whatever, you spend five minutes checking it's all in the same tense. It would cut down on half your nitpicks, I'm sure ;)

Hm, what I liked about the dream was that we got to hear all the things that were always said. But we didn't get to see the voices that were taunting him? Usually in a dream you see things, but then again this doesn't seem to be a usual dream. If all he sees is darkness, then mention that it's only darkness. But if there are a mass of faces or if he is in some setting or something, let us know! I was just curious as to what he can see while he hears all these voices.

He nodded and murmured his thanks as Lais handed him a bowl of thick soup, then walking away from the group and joining Sir Oristan


Looking at this sentence I feel like 'then' was the wrong word to use here to match the rest of it. How about 'before' instead?

So you wouldn’t figure out I’m dreaming about things which shouldn’t make me react like this.


I didn't get it. How did tipping a lot of water over his head minimize suspicion? Maybe he would be sweaty, but if it's a warm day as it seems to be, then it would make a whole lot of sense. But if he's dripping wet because he tipped water over himself it would only arouse suspicion to me. This confused me a little, so maybe you could explain his reasoning a bit more?

I don't have much more to say! This was a short, and yet still so good chapter! I really want to know more about these voices, and the ending of this chapter was brilliant. The fact that even when he tried to confront or do as the voices say makes it seem like the voices are waiting for something... so creepy!

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Deanie x




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:46 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello AriaAdams!

I love it just as much as before, it gets clearer and clearer and clearer each chapter. I do not wish to stay long because part two of chapter four beckons to me, luring me in. But though a bit shorter than the others, it's quality has not gone down. I can't wait for the next chapter, so I shall bid you farewell until next time.

~Kelpies




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Mon May 19, 2014 12:53 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Aria! Silver here to review for you! :)

Wow, it's been a while since I've reviewed one of your previous chapters, sorry, it's kind of hard sometimes to keep track of the multiple novels I'm trying to review. Anyways I'm here now :)

So, a new character huh? I find it interesting that you've added point of view from someone outside of the royal family, I actually think it's great because it gives your novel more diversity and a more roundness, kind of like a full bodied coffee. We don't actually know much about Carys himself yet but I find his predicament interesting. The voices, do they belong to the Forest Children? If so why him? The inclusion of the knight is an interesting one. What's a knight doing in the forest? He seems to be training Carys? Is he a knight of the royal family that you've already introduced to us?One of the best things about your writing that I've noticed so far is your ability to create intrigue. You slip us bits of information here and there to nudge us in the right direction and make us ask (hopefully) the right questions.

One strange inconsistency that I noticed was that you said:

He had told Sir Oristan of it then, and the next time and the next


and then you said:

he felt like someone sewed his lips whenever he’d try to talk about them.


Unless I understood the two line wrongly the two lines don''t seem to work in conjunction with each other.

Apart from that I did enjoy this but hopefully part two will make some things a little clearer. Great descriptions of the environment as well by the way :) Till next time, keep it up and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Thu May 01, 2014 10:09 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

You're dedicated sage is here for another review. Although she does realize that she should probably get back to reviewing your new chapters closer to the actual time they're published...

OK, I don't usually like to nitpick, but I do have a few here. Sorry :3

Spoiler! :
He could feel his heart beating, seemingly strong enough for him to hear it

I tend to write this a lot too. But his heart is either strong enough to hear or not. It can't really be seemingly strong enough. Because if it's only seemingly strong enough, he can't hear it.

Leaning back against the tree, he sighed and closed his eyes, getting up a moment later.

What exactly did he see when he closed his eyes? Was it just emptiness? Black nothingness?Did the voices come back, making him open his eyes again so quickly? I feel like you jumped from one point to another too quick here.


Alright, so we've got a new character here. You've done a good job introducing him and explaining his life to us. His life is obviously much different than Devin's and everyone else at the castle. Here Carys lives in the trees, or at least sleeps in them, and doesn't seem to have any family. But he does live with, or near, a knight so there is some connection to monarchy here.

I don't think these 878 words are bad. I think you've done a great job keeping the story going here. You've created a whole other dimension to your novel, creating the story from a different point of view and a different character. Are you going to add more to this chapter or keep it as is? I'm just curious. I think it works either way.

So now there are voices. I'm assuming that these are the same voices that belong to the labyrinth? They kind of remind me of the basilisk's voice from Harry Potter. But that's probably only because I'm obsessed with HP xD I do wish you would've gotten more into what these voices sounded like. Did they talk in sync so they sounded like one voice? Could each individual voice be heard as they spoke? I think that would give us a good idea of what kind of people Carys is dealing with here.

I promise I'll get to your next chapter earlier :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Mon Apr 28, 2014 7:23 pm
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Alvarin wrote a review...



Yo, again :3

The beginning kind of reminded me of Love Never Dies, so I kind of sang it with that melody.. I don't know if that was intentional xD Anyway, new characters, and I'm excited (even though I already miss Hadril - whose name I hope I spelled right). The dreams add even more mystery and suspense, and so does the new characters. I do think I know why he gets those dreams (from what you told me before), but I'm not sure if I'm right.. On a random note, I really liked the descriptions of the environment here.
I'm thinking it might be good to stick to these characters for a bit, or go back to the royal family, so that we (readers) get some new pieces of the puzzle that we can stick to the pieces we already have, make it a little more uniherent (couldn't decide between united, unified and coherent).
Oh, one last thing, you could totally change "fantasy, other" to "fantasy, mystery" xD
So, keep on going so that I have something worth reviewing ;)


Nitpicks and suggestions:

It stood at the same spot
"It had stood" since I think it should be in past perfect.
The sun has barely risen behind the mountains in the north, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink, but the figures on the clearance have already been awake for hours when Carys joined them.
There's a slightly odd change of tense in this sentence.
discussing methods of the very same dishes
I think I'd put in a few more words here, since I think it'd sound better (though it's mostly personal preference). Something like: "discussing different methods of making the very same" maybe?
then walking away from the group and joining Sir Oristan
Here's that tense thing again.
he realised it only makes the voices
Made?
wasn’t sure why those dreams made him feel that way, why they forced him out of his dreams night after night
I don't quite understand this. The dreams forced him out of his dreams? As in, he's dreaming something else and then the dreams with the voices takes over? Or did they force him out of his sleep?
every word they said and mutter them
This is just personal preference again, but I think it sounds a bit odd to have dreams that speak.. I'd write something like "every word he heard in them and mutter those words".. Ooh, or just remove "they said", that's even better.




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:38 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello there.
So I'll start off with something little. I really liked this chapter and, even though I've never read any other chapters, I wasn't very confused. Little things did put me off like, why was he so afraid of these voices (I assume this because he woke in a cold sweat), and by the end it seemed like he wanted to go towards the voices. Otherwise I thought it was really well written, I can imagine this world in my head and at the same time it's not too flowery! Keep it going!
~Wolfare




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Sat Apr 26, 2014 11:58 pm
fallenoutofgrace wrote a review...



Hey there fallen here let's just jump into it shall we?
The titled pulled me in because im a fan of fairy tales and you clearly did not disappoint I loved the description and imagery you used through your story and I enjoyed the medieval flare toward the end.
first off by having your chapter blocked up in a paragraph it makes it quite difficult for the reader to read. try spacing it out a little bit into different paragraphs. Next I enjoyed how you started your story. It drawls in the reader the " come to us, the voices sang." was a very nice touch that I liked a lot. Next I liked how you made it like the song was alluring making everything around your main character warm and amazing. One question I had was is he dreaming?





Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
— Carl Sandburg