Hi Aria!
This was a fairly short chapter so there isn't much for me to say here. Firstly, I like that we are getting another point of view in here! It's opened me to a whole lot more questions and I have a feeling these voices are going to relate to the labyrinth as well. Ooh, the suspense is building and I wonder where this story is going to go! You've done a great job of building everything up and now I am curious about Carys's relationship with Sir Oristan and how they get to know each other. This point of view is also going to be a brilliant chance for us to the see the world outside of the castle - something I have been itching to know more about.
One thing I was looking for here and not seeing was some more setting description. We do know they are all living inside a tree, which is just fine. But it's hard for me to imagine them all doing this, and I wonder how the tree becomes a wall for the house? I wanted to be able to picture it better and the only way that would be possible is if you describe it to us As well as that, the house, I wanted to know more of what it was like. The people around Carys were given names briefly, but no descriptions. I wanted to know how many more were there and what they were doing. So, try and make us see everything through Cary's eyes and be able to grasp this new world better.
Even the bark of the tree seemed strangely warm as he touched it, and he found it almost painful to turn away from it
There are a lot of 'it's used in this sentence. Even though it's a small word it was noticeable My suggestion is to get rid of the third one, seeing as it is not necessary and where I noticed the repetition most.
trying to come up with a plausible lie for when Sir Oristan asks him what he dreamt about.
I think the end of this sentence should be 'when Sir Oristan would ask him...' because that way we are sticking to the correct tense. Many people have nitpicked the places where you switch to present tense so I won't mention too much. But in future chapters, try and stick to past. And if it's hard to do as you are writing it all out, make it a thing that once you're done the writing for the chapter/day or whatever, you spend five minutes checking it's all in the same tense. It would cut down on half your nitpicks, I'm sure
Hm, what I liked about the dream was that we got to hear all the things that were always said. But we didn't get to see the voices that were taunting him? Usually in a dream you see things, but then again this doesn't seem to be a usual dream. If all he sees is darkness, then mention that it's only darkness. But if there are a mass of faces or if he is in some setting or something, let us know! I was just curious as to what he can see while he hears all these voices.
He nodded and murmured his thanks as Lais handed him a bowl of thick soup, then walking away from the group and joining Sir Oristan
Looking at this sentence I feel like 'then' was the wrong word to use here to match the rest of it. How about 'before' instead?
So you wouldn’t figure out I’m dreaming about things which shouldn’t make me react like this.
I didn't get it. How did tipping a lot of water over his head minimize suspicion? Maybe he would be sweaty, but if it's a warm day as it seems to be, then it would make a whole lot of sense. But if he's dripping wet because he tipped water over himself it would only arouse suspicion to me. This confused me a little, so maybe you could explain his reasoning a bit more?
I don't have much more to say! This was a short, and yet still so good chapter! I really want to know more about these voices, and the ending of this chapter was brilliant. The fact that even when he tried to confront or do as the voices say makes it seem like the voices are waiting for something... so creepy!
Deanie x
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