(A/N: Here, have a random somewhat sappy actually romantic scene from way down the road of my currently-on-hold novel, FF.
Mostly with Silverlock and Deanie in mind (as in, if I keep feeding you guys parts, you might keep bugging me to write on and I might actually do it xP), but actually posted here as a sort of test with Publishing Centre.)
_____
"Please, Aspen..."
Sitting with her back against the cell's wall, Lais sighed. She tightened her grip on his shoulders ever so slightly, scared to hurt him more and at the same time wondering if he could even feel anything done to his body. He didn't move, as he hadn't moved for days, curled up with his head on her chest and eyes barely open. She couldn't see the deep green and gold she was used to seeing in them; now his eyes were dark, nearly black, and every tiny spark in them broke her heart a little bit. His eyes looked like his beloved forest's ground, the empty darkness after a devastating fire, so temptingly beautiful and dead all the same.
And it's my fault.
She swallowed her tears, pressing her lips against his head before a silent sob could reach them, and spoke into his hair.
"Please... I'm worried. I'm scared. Say something."
He stayed silent and motionless, the fever of his skin the only sign he's alive. She stroked his hair and his back, traced the scars the missing vines left, touched the cuts on his neck - all careful, but automatic actions, those she's done a thousand times since the guards last locked the door, almost as if checking if all of it was still there. As if it could've given her some kind of comfort.
She didn't try to stop her tears from falling. After days, enough days for her to lose count, she no longer cared for hiding. Hunger and coldness she could stand, it wasn't the first time she had no food or warm clothes. But seeing Aspendore - the Forest Prince, the spirit of the Woods, the strongest mage she's ever seen or heard about - with that blank, lost expression on his face and empty look in his eyes, that was too much. Ever since they'd met, he was the person she felt safe with, the protector whom everyone looked at for guidance - even her father and his your king - and the one she'd believe could do anything at all.
He could, she reminded herself, sniffing quietly and wiping a tear that threatened to fall from her nose. Until you put his soul into the hands of the emperor's brother, as if it was nothing more than a doll it looked like.
She closed her eyes. It was all her fault. If there wasn't for her, he'd be free, and his home wouldn't be dying. If there wasn't for her... She shook her head, so slightly she barely even really moved, voicelessly telling herself to quit thinking that way. It was her fault - but dwelling in self pity was the last she could afford. Now that her father was away with Carys, maybe moments from either dying or disappearing in the Labyrinth, and her home was burning along with the life of the person she loved, she had no other choice but to force herself to block those thoughts. To be strong, for herself as well as Asp, because she was the only one who could.
Slowly, very slowly, his arms moved from his sides, traveling up and loosely wrapping around her instead.
"Thank you," he muttered, in a voice so quiet she wondered for a moment if she imagined it.
"For what?" She asked slowly, stroking his cheek. I'm the one who got you here in the first place. "How are you..? Does it still hurt?"
She pulled her hand away from his cheek as he turned his head, burying his face in her shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he said after a few moments of silence. "I can't... I don't know. I can't deal with questions right now."
*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey Aria, *smiles sheepishly*
First of all let me just tell you that reviewing this piece has been on my mind for months now, but fingers can feel like lead sometimes and real is just -.- But on to the review…
I really like this beginning. It’s one of those sure fire ones that will always grab your attention, as it did here.
Imagery has always been one of your biggest strengths and I feel that it’s definitely on display here. I really get the image of him sitting limply looking vacant and dead. I like the feel of the entire scene. It very still, the motion is all very slow, much like water very, very slowly dripping from a tap. I love it. It’s a great atmosphere that you weave here.
Thank you! I love rational characters! Especially when it comes to self-pitying! It gets you no-where! I’m so glad that she didn’t spend the rest of the scene sobbing but instead decides that she has to do something, to take control – or at least try to - of their situation.
This also leads me onto Lais’ character. At first she seems like a soft, frail-ish character but then you see glimpses of strength. For example as mentioned above: deciding not to dwell on self-pity but also when she mentions putting Aspen’s soul in the hands of the emperor’s brother. That to me gave us a glimpse of another side of Lais. A much stronger personality perhaps.
Okay, so this is probably the only negative thing I’ve had to say today and honestly it’s more of personal taste anyway so don’t take it too seriously. But (personally as a reader) I felt that this sentence was a little out of place with the entire scene and wasn’t really needed. Maybe it could have been replaced with something a little shorter. I just felt that after how much emphasis was put on Aspen being so dead-like that to hear him say so many words in such a short space just didn’t seem to fit.
Anyway, I hope this sort of helps and that you don’t hate me too much for how late I am *puss in boots eyes* I look forward to seeing more FF!!
Silverlock
Aria!
YOU WROTE MORE! Yes, this makes me very happy. Unbelievably happy. In fact - just reading this chapter has made my day. You couldn't even believe it xD
Maybe this is a random chapter and I have little idea of what is going on... and haven't been introduced or can't remember who these characters are, but I am still going to make the most of what I have been given. Again, this is going to leave way for a very short review. Most nitpicks have already been found out, and I am happy to say that there are much less than there were in your previous chapters. Your writing has improved! ^.^ Alongside that, your descriptions here are just beautiful. I loved the way you wrote this, the words chosen, and even though I didn't understand everything going on, it still sounded beautiful. If it's possible, I am fangirling at your style of writing. This is the kinda thing I love to read <3
You've done a good job of sticking to the same tense here. It's just when it comes to words with apostrophes after them (I have forgotten what they're called?) that you seem to switch into present tense. If I take apart the one above, you actually have 'she has' which is present tense. It should be 'she had' which would make the word you're looking for actually 'she'd'. Just watch out for the words with apostrophes, and then this would've all been in the same tense.
Hm, when it comes to this sentence I think you would be better off using dashes instead of commas here.
Uh-oh, here comes to the return of those horrid comma splices. The comma should actually be replaced with a conjunction here instead, or a connecting word that will make the sentence run along smoothly. In this case I would expect the word 'because'.
When I reached the end of the chapter I was surprised at what Aspen said. It sounded so... casual? I felt like he would say something more wise, or more noteworthy seeing as he had been out of it for a pretty long time by the sounds of things, and he had a reputation built up around him by Lais. I feel like him saying that you was expected, but not 'I can't deal with questions right now.' I feel like it's too simple. Maybe something like 'It hurts too much' or 'It's too soon.' I know the character isn't royalty (he isn't right?) but I felt like he needed to have a tone of royalty for some reason. Maybe this isn't how you envisioned this character, but it's the impression I got.
You better keep writing! You should post more chapters, even if they are random ones, and then this story can flourish and it'll all be nice to read. Yes, keep up the writing, Aria! Your fans demand it
Deanie x
Being the lazy reader that I am, I only got to this because the panda is pleading for sake of the Green Room, which this post is in. But never mind that! I haven't reviewed since forever so let me just start with my typical 'nitpicking':
- I don't know why but I don't like how these three short sentences are put together in one pair of quotation marks. I don't really see the need to change this, but I'm just speaking my mind. lol
- Anyway, I like the drama emitting from this line, especially from how short and simple the words were.
- o.O Oh my word, I didn't realize this is a fantasy story! *hyped*
- I think that should be 'If it wasn't for her'.
- I think 'self pity' should be hyphenated.
- Now there is a Labyrinth? I'm even more hyped!
Gosh, I can't believe that was only a part of a story! Also, I thought it was merely going to be a romantic scene like you said in the disclaimer. But no, I saw glimpses of something great and intriguing and I can't wait until I get to read the whole story!
*sees the Related Items menu at the right* What, I've been spoiled! (lol) But anyway, the way you wrote this was simple and clear and that was nice. You didn't lose me at all. Maybe a little in the beginning since I had no idea what this was but I'm just rambling. I just hope that I can spare the time to read the story from the beginning.
Never stop writing!
Ri! You wrote a story! Er... you wrote part of a story. A scene. You wrote something and I'm going to review it!
~ Your description, as usual, is fantastic. <3~ Is this a tense disagreement? I'm not entirely certain. I'm not used to present-tense stories, so I'm kind of out of my element-- but I think there might be a problem here.
~ Mm?
You beastly person, leaving it at that. I was going to insert some fangirling here (albeit it without caps and with fewer exclamation points, because, well, that's not my style), but no. You don't get fangirling because you're a terrible person to end a scene like that. Why would you make it so short and tantalizing? You're cruel. *insert more complaining*
In other news, I very well may add myself to Deanie and Silverlock and begin bugging you for writing. I really miss getting to read your
ridiculously longSB posts, too. ;-; We've really got to find a time that works, and do a Mar/Brek scene or something. Keep writing and stuff.~Shady
OMG IT'S SO DESCRIPTIVE AND I LOVE IT BECAUSE IT'S LIKE THE INFERNAL DEVICES AND I LOVE IT AND WOW I CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW. IT'S LIKE JEM WHEN HE WAS ON YIN FEN AND IT WAS SLOWLY KILLING HIM AND OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I LOVE THIS YOUR SUCH A GOOD AUTHOR NO WAY AOFJWAOF I WILL READ THIS UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP ON MY KEYBOARD AND JUST WOW 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000 STARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU MUST BE CASSANDRA CLARE UNDER COVER! xD (Sorry. I went crazy.)
(I WAS SO SAD WHEN I FINISHED THE SERIES AND NOW I CAN READ THIS! xD)
As long as it makes you happy xD I never even read Infernal Devices, though, and really I don't think FF has anything much to do with it (although it does have fantasy and odd creatures and steampunk later on... not sure if ID does, but I don't really know what else to mention xD), but in any case I'm always glad when someone compliments my writing, so thanks~
It's just EXACTLY, accurately how she writes and in-depth. It's really hard to find other books like that, surprisingly I was able to find one so similar on a website. I wish I had this much talent!