Second part of the third chapter of the Last Man Standing contest; 1120 words
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Hedril lay on his back, absentmindedly drawing his fingers up and down Devin's arm. His prince was sleeping, resting on his chest, seeming finally relaxed - for the first time since they all arrived, as much as Hedril could tell. A curly, rust-coloured strand of hair hid Devin's nose, moving slightly in the rhythm of his breathing, and Hedril found himself following its movements with almost pious attention.
What was it that troubled his prince so much? He was used to the changes in Devin's moods and his ways of switching topics of conversations as thoughts would cross his mind, but being too troubled to sleep and holding the reasons to himself wasn't like him.
Have you slept with my sister?
Hedril bit his lip, listening to Devin's breathing, thinking back to the way Devin asked that question. Was it possible that all the prince's bad mood was owed to the miles separating them? He shoved that thought away. He knew Devin missed him at least as much as he missed him, but his prince wasn't the type to suffer so much from separation. If he was to be affected by it to that extent, it would be about him being separated from his twin sister - the issue which had to be troubling him, Hedril was sure, since even Lenore couldn't hide how much she missed her brother - but he barely mentioned her last night.
Devin's voice creeped into Hedril's mind again. It's not a fairytale.
He pulled the sheets a bit further to cover them both, letting his eyes wander around the room. Nearly everything in it was the same now as the first time Hedril stepped inside - nearly ten years ago, back when the young prince had nothing but sparring and swords on his mind, and he was nothing more than the person for Devin to train with.
Hedril smiled at the memories, but quickly turned serious again, his eyes sliding over the big tapestry across the room. In shades of blue, it showed the fall of the old kings and rise of the new one. Carefully weaved, the symbols along the borders presented the tale of magic lost and soldiers fallen in the war that divided the Northern Kingdom, and small inscriptions in the corners - Hedril saw them so often that he didn't even need to come closer to know what they are - told the story about the Forest Prince and his army of lost souls, not much different from what Hedril spoke of the night before.
He looked back at Devin with a slight frown, as the younger man stirred in his sleep. No matter how many times Hedril told that story, no matter how much he talked or even joked about the Forest Children and all the other old legends Devin wanted to hear, they seemed to have an effect on his prince - an effect Hedril didn't like, not any more now than he had when they were both children.
Then why do you keep telling him all those things, over and over again?
He sighed silently, closing his eyes. He didn't need to experiment to know what would happen if he didn't keep telling those stories over and over again; both of their thoughts, and eventually their conversations as well, would keep running to the Labyrinth, and soon enough there would be no duty or oath that would make Hedril follow orders and leave his prince again.
*
"Again."
He raised his sword at Devin's word, carefully observing the younger man's moves. The ground beneath their feet, while hard, was still slippery from the rain which surprised them all right before sunrise, and the prince's mind seemed to be somewhere else again. Hedril sighed.
"We should take a break, my prince." He lowered his weapon again, watching Devin do the same with a slightly pouty expression. "You don't want to be tired enough to fall asleep on your brother's coronation this evening, do you?"
Devin muttered something about it being boring enough to make him sleepy in any case, but Hedril's words got cut off as he opened his mouth to answer.
"Mother wants to see you."
Both of them turned, Hedril lowering his head a bit at the sight of the King's second son. Prince Sandor gave him a little nod, but stayed focused on his little brother. "She's with Lenore in the back garden... I'm sure you can continue your match later, yes?"
Devin barely glanced at Hedril as he let him take his sword, and walked back to the castle without a word, followed by a confused young servant who seemed to have sprouted out of thin air. Both Hedril and the older prince kept their eyes on his back for a while, then facing each other again. Hedril smiled politely, ready to excuse himself and head back to the armoury before returning to his duties as well, as the prince's eyes fell on the swords.
"I haven't sparred with a worthy opponent in years," he said.
"These aren't dulled blades, your grace," Hedril replied carefully, but offered a sword to the prince nonetheless. Sandor inspected it with a careful expression and swinged it once.
"I can handle that," Sandor's lips twitched, but he didn't smile, and Hedril bit his lip. There was something in the way this prince observed the swords that made Hedril jumpy, even though he would never admit it to him. He has sparred with Devin's brothers before - the young duke Gyl and little prince Roan, before they both got Taken, and count Iluan before he left to his estate in Drakefort - but the King's second son had an aura of certainty surrounding him at all times, and Hedril wondered if it was possible to win a duel against him.
This isn't a duel, he reminded himself, following the prince's example as he took position. You're only sparring, and not a drop of blood will be spilled.
He met his opponents eyes - only slightly darker than the late king's, and equally, almost surprisingly authoritative - and curled his lips into a half smile, bowing his head politely and waiting for the prince to make the first move. He knew neither of them would get hurt - he had spent more than enough time around swords to be sure how to avoid letting the blade cut anyone he'd get in trouble for hurting - but as their blades touched, and he found his standing on the slippery ground, he couldn't fight the thought which uninvited crept into his mind.
He has killed before too, under the orders of these princes' father - and his prince becoming his king was only three accidents away.
***
End of chapter
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Hi Aria!
Besides, having it put like that shows it is something important, and event or a name or label to the horrid thing which happens to people, that has something to do with the labyrinth. I like it and wouldn't change it for anything. But it's your choice ^.^
Hedril thinking about how if three little accidents happened that his prince could be his King? Well, again, that's quite the cliffhanger there and also shows us that Hedril might be willing to do more than a first glimpse at a character makes you think he could. I know this thought doesn't necessarily mean he is going to actually do anything, but it does make me a whole lot more interested. Nice idea there 
Hey look, it's your novel's adoptive parent again. Where has she been for so long? Sorry, but school has been busy trying to kidnap me.
I'm drowning in schoolworkI'm trying to fight it and be here as much as possible! There are so many of these wonderful chapters to read and I should be getting to it ^.^Okay, so I just scanned some of the previous reviews and everyone is saying that when you mention Taken, it should really be a lowercase 't'. Well, I do not agree! I think it's better how you did it. First, this is fiction and it's fantasy and in cases like this of course a few rules are allowed to be broken
There were plenty of things to like in this chapter. I have to say, these characters are starting to sound a little dark. I love it <3 Something threatening about Prince Sandor? Bring it on
I remember a dragon fleetingly being mentioned in the first chapter. That's all we've got by way of fantasy so far. And I want to see more of potential dragons. So, dragons? Pwease?
Also, at the beginning of this story we did start with a totally different point of view, even if this is being told in third person. I judging point of view by the characters the story is most focused on in the said chapters. So far we've had one of the brothers, and now we have Devin's and Hedvil's points of view. I know we are only three chapters in but I am thinking that it must be someone else's turn by now? Just to spice things up, otherwise it would seem random to have a different point of view to begin with.
Hm, from the way they've acted I would assume no one is supposed to know about their love story going on? I am just judging this from the way that they checked no one was in the hall from the previous chapter and also how Devin basically treated Hedril as the servant he is supposed to be when his brother showed up. So why would they be in the same bed? It seems not too careful to me, because if one of them sleeps a little too long, any old servant could walk in and all. Seeing as they have been so careful up until this point, I just thought I might throw that out there...
Aria, this is all one sentence. One sentence! It's too long D: Let's try and cut it into smaller bits, huh?
Suggestion: Carefully weaved, the symbols along the borders presented the tale of magic lost and soldiers fallen in the war that divided the Northern Kingdom. There were small inscriptions in the corners but Hedril saw them so often
thathe didn't even need to come closer to know what they said. They told the story about the Forest Prince and his army of lost souls, not much different fromwhatthe story Hedril spoke of the night before.I added the bolded part just to be a bit more specific in what you were referring to. But you could also toy around with that long sentence and make something different from it. All up to you
I don't think the words 'all right' are needed here, and it sounded a bit awkward when I was reading it as well. It doesn't really add much to the sentence anyway.
These may all be different parts of small paragraphs, but they were close enough together for me to notice the repetition of the word 'again'. Which was funny because the word again kept being repeated again and again xD Excusing my bad sense of humor, I think they need to change a little so there is only one. I have two suggestions to change two of the sentences. I think the first 'again' is kind of needed where it is. But for the second, how about 'the prince's mind seemed to be somewhere else, as usual' or 'somewhere else, like last night' if you wanted to make it more pinpointed to the situation yesterday. As for the third you could just cut the word again and the sentence would be perfectly fine as it stands.
One of those awkward sentences again. Let me know if you want me to stop picking out awkward-reading-things in your chapters, and I will! I just stumbled over the 'as well, as' How about having a full stop after politely (small sentences are okay to have sometimes.) And then form the second sentence like this:
The prince's eyes fell on the swords as Hedril was about to excuse himself and head back to the armoury before returning to his duties.
Same meaning, different wording
Swinging should be swung.
I think you mean 'had' instead.
I don't think there is much else to say! I liked the fighting at the beginning and it was a nice way to continue on the chapter. I wonder what mother wants Devin for! And how this coronation is going to play out. I am expecting quite the bit of drama revolving around that. I best get on and read more
Deanie x
Dear AriaAdams,
Wow! It's great that you have brought in a fight for the throne, if this prince does want the crown enough to kill three of his brothers, then the place is very vulnerable. I must go to the next chapter, so I shall not dilly dally long. I found one error though.
"expression and swinged it once." Swung?
That's all this time!
~Kelpies
Hi there!
Okay, so I'm trying to review novels a different way now. Not too different though. I'm just going to stay away from grammar and spelling mistakes and focus on the characters and plot and how they're both being developed over the novel.
With that being said, here are a few things that could be considered as grammar mistakes. (I couldn't resist; it'll come up later on in your novel as well)
Saying the words 'over and over again' is repetitive. In Hendril's thought just a few sentences before, he uses those same words. I tend to do this with single words in my writing so I know how easy it is to make this mistake. But 'over and over again' seems to be sticking out like a sore thumb. I think it's because it's a popular saying. And it's a few words instead of just one. This sentence will come across the same if you take those words out.
I think Alvarin mentioned this as well. Taken should not be capitalized. Only proper nouns are capitalized. And what is going to happen later on in the novel is that readers will start to think that 'taken' is a thing and not a verb. Since it seems that being taken is a big deal in the plot, I understand that you'd want it emphasized. But it will still be emphasized just by the word. When readers see it, they'll be reminded about it.
Okay, so getting those comments out of the way that I said I wouldn't make, let's get to the review.
I like the character development in this chapter. One thing I have been mentioning a lot (or maybe it's just all in my head) is that you have a lot of characters. It's always good to take a step back from the big picture of the novel and focus on just one or two characters at a time. And that's exactly what you did here. In this chapter you're focusing on Hendril, but at the same time you're focusing on Devin as well. Since most of what Hendril is saying/thinking is about Devin, we get a lot of information about him as well.
Whew. Talk about a cliffhanger! And there are asterisks after it which makes me think that the flashback is over. I don't think that Hendril is a killer, but if it got his prince promoted maybe he is.
Another thing I like about this novel so far is how seamlessly you fit information into the story. Especially in this chapter, you've weaved information into the actual events of the story. Keep that up and I know you'll have your readers captivated throughout.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Yo :3 (again)
I think it'd look better and make more sense if the comma and hyphen switched places. Also, you could switch the much for far instead.I love Hedril and Devin far more than I should.. And now I kind of really want Hedril to kill Sandor, but never mind what I think, I'd just kill everyone else and put Hedril and Devin on the throne together xD
Anyway, I like it, I like where it's going, I like the characters, and I'm really looking forward to learning more about the Forest Children and the Forest Prince.. And the Labyrinth and.. Far too many things. There are so many mysterious things in this, and I can't wait to learn everything - don't you dare leave anything unwritten, I'm too curious for dramatic effects (once again, never mind what I think).
I'll throw a coin in the well and wish for more info about some of the mysterious things in the next chapter, and more Hedril and Devin in the future.
Nitpicks (because everyone loves nitpicks):
I thought there was a lot of plural here, so I took a closer look. "the changes in Devin's mood and his way of changing the topic of conversations as new thoughts crossed his mind" might sound better, maybe?
Remove all, since mood is singular.
Add an up there.
Exchange that last hyphen for a comma.
Past tense, so were instead or are.
Maybe during would work better than on.
"Sprouted from the ground" and "appeared out of thin air". Use appeared instead of sprouted. Collocation, and all that.
It should be faced, no?
If you're using taken as a verb here it should be "were Taken", but I'm unsure since you wrote it with a capital T.
Typo, yay! xD opponent's
I'd put a comma after surprisingly, but that might be just me.
I'd switch be sure for know, but (once again) that might be just me.
Move uninvited to the end of the sentence, or put it before thought.
had
I think it'd sound better with the instead of these.