Young Writers Society

To each his own.

For me, this was poor. Yes, I won't sure-coat! It doesn't help. It was not even a story. It was just a paragraph.

But let me tell you, everyone makes mistakes. My first story was so stupid, that I ended up deleting it after 1 month. It happens. The fact is, if you want to grow as a writer, you should accept the fact that this work is half-baked and written without developing any characters.

Then, you ought to read some romantic novels around this theme. Understand how the author weaves a story with a germ of an idea. Read more, improve your vocab, come back and re-post this story!

Believe me it works! The story which I had removed was an idea I thought I should turn into a novel and the first chapter of the novel got into featured list and was loved by many people. Keep working. Don't give up writing!

Well, I am shocked, but it is most definitely not by your short story, katey. I can't believe that people on YWS would be so rude! I apologize to you on account of my more OBNOXIOUS peers. *glares at certain reviewers furiously*
To be honest, I actually like this story. It definitely needs a bit (okay, quite a lot) of fleshing out in terms of characters, plot, and descriptions, but it's a cool idea. I know very little about celebrity relationships or One Direction, but I like that you used real people to make this obviously fictitious story. It's interesting.
So please don't listen to the people who are being rude. You are not a bad writer in any stretch of the imagination. If the reviews have good advice, go ahead and use it, but just ignore any insults to your writing.
Write on!
~Cat

A note to Katey:

I gave a harsh review a while back, and I tried to give as much constructive feedback as I could. it's just my cynical, sarcastic style of reviewing, so sorry if you took it the wrong way. I did not mean to make you feel bad. I just suggest that you actually try to take what you can from what we all said. Something similar happened to me many years ago. If you're still here, take a look at this.

http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=204236

Yes, that was me at fourteen. They were harsh, and they made me cry at the time, but it made me the writer that I am today. I wanted to prove them wrong. I have still been working at it, to this very day! It empowered me. And they were true, looking back. Hell, I sucked. I may have been a couple grades ahead of my own, but still. I could not get any of that crap published. However, I had some good ideas, and actually started writing something brand new based on one of them! You just need to practice! I will look back in about ten years and see how awful I was at eighteen. We all do! Below is some more helpful advice:

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2006/04/27/1 ... t-writing/

It may just be me, but I think that focusing on the faults (harshly) is the best kind of review. It is empowering, as it motivates the reader to prove those faults wrong and transcend his or her level. As long as you're review is not about how much it sucks, and has constructive feedback, harshness is fine, and is better than simply focusing on how good something is and giving excessive praise, even if a work deserves it. Everything is flawed, albeit some things more than others, but focusing on the faults improves the overall writing, so that the person does not make those mistakes in the future. Excessive compliments are not reviews, just as comments reiterating how much something sucks, which is subjective. Sure they make people feel comfortable, but life is not about being comfortable. Life is about being criticized and learning from our mistakes.

This work is flawed, but not without hope. After all, it cannot get any worse. Kate, if you're still on this site, I urge you not to get your hopes down and try again. Maybe you aren't meant to be a writer, but you can try! Sorry for sounding so cynical, but cynicism and realism shine light on the truth. Just keep trying and you may get it.

And remember, we're all great at fourteen

-Spotswood

im not going to be rude but in all honesty this is Cliche as all heck and putting it into a paragraph was a bad idea. to me this makes me curious if there are even any conflict in here. upon rereading this i found no conflict. a story has to have a beginning (you have that) a rise (you dont have this) a conflict (i dont see one) and and resolution (there are signs here). I see the potential in this short story but it needs a lot of work.

I don't want you to listen to the negative feedback some people are giving. Don't think you can't write, and don't stop writing/posting because somebody said you shouldn't.
You're a great writer, though you could use some improvement. I'd suggest just spacing it out a bit, you know? Your grammar is spectacular, there's some fragment's in there, but that can be fixed. See, it's important to highlight your skills with your work, and you have, but it could stand out more. This is not bad, it just simply needs work, and that's what you're here for, right?
Plots are important, as well. You need a point. You need to be working towards something, or else you've posted for nothing. But, you have posted for something. That something needs some work, yes, but it's something, and you should be proud of yourself.
Great work, Katey!
Can't wait to see more from you!
~Shiny

Honestly? I'm going to go ahead and say that this is terrible. If this were being judged on a scale of 1 to 10, I'll give it a 2, only because you had correct capitalization and punctuation, which is a plus at least. I'm not going to say that you as a writer are terrible; after all, you're only fifteen, and you do have a long way to go. However, I won't sugarcoat what I'm about to say.

This whole thing is just...bad. First of all, it's an entire short story in one big paragraph. That's a problem right at the start. You need to split up your paragraphs whenever possible, and definitely whenever a new person is introduced and/or starts talking. That'll lessen the confusion when people are reading your works.

There's no real plot, no development in the story. It reads like some kind of timeline rather than an actual story. It's just "action. more action. another action. action. the end." rather than a complete, well-written story. I won't get into what actually happens in the story, because I'd just rather not.

I see that you've gotten some scathing reviews, and I'm sorry if I'm seeming rude, but you need to do a lot more work before you try to publish anything else.

Can I just say wow?

You were introduced to Snarking with Spotswood. I don't have a catchy name, but I do have the ability to give an honest review like he did.

This seems more like a plot idea then a story. Where is the detail? Where is the description? What do the characters look like, act like?

Here, they are like chess pieces. Wooden, with no personality or development.

This is the first time I have ever seen a work like this.

Look, I don't want to be harsh. I don't mean to sound rude. That's just me being me.

But to call this a literary work is so far from the truth it's laughable.

I want all the writers on this site to be the best they could possibly be. And in order to do that, I need to be a little harsh sometimes. Why? Because as writers at some point in our lives we will be criticized. People will tell us that we suck.

And when they do that, we will look at their reviews that tell us we are bad and promise ourselves that we will do better.
And we will.

I'm not going to pretend that I know what One Direction is. Aside from the fact that I know they are a band, my knowledge of them ends there. It's great that you have your own taste in music, I just don't happen to share it.
But being inspired enough from something you like to write about it is a good thing.

You could have done better writing it, however.

I'm not going to point out all the mistakes and whatnot, the people who have reviewed before me did that. So to do it again would be pointless.

But like I said, there is no description. Heck, there isn't even a clear plot! You rushed through it and didn't expand it or pay attention to detail. Nothing really made sense. It was basically a bunch of words thrown together.

I think that with time and a whole lot of work, you could do better with this. It's not ever going to be perfect, because none of us are.

But the only way you're going to improve any is if you work hard for it. You just have to be willing to put in an effort.



~Teen~

I am not trying to be mean, but maybe it would serve you better to try and write something really good instead of waste points. You have absolutely no hope. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but I gave the review that this piece deserves. Even if it were well-written, the subject matter is still just attrocious.

Hi @kateyperry89 and @Katelyn (whose names are so similar that I am convinced that you may be the same person or, possibly, the "lead" character in the "story")! I have decided to waste my time and review this, ahem, amazing piece of...literature.

And with that I welcome you to Snarking with Spotswood!

I WOULD say that this thing (I dare not call it work) is without a doubt the most putrid and horrendous thing that I have ever read and that you have absolutely no hope, but this website has a policy against making attacks such as that, so I will be as nice as possible.

First and foremost I would like to state that this review is going to be longer than your "lovely" short story, or whatever this piece of pseudo prose is supposed to be. The list of mistakes heavily outways the substance (or lack there of) of this whosiwhatsit itself.

Have you heard Zayn has a vampire girlfriend named Katey?

She's 15 and she's dating Zayn.

She's 15

Her brother, Harry, is Zayn's best friend.

That's where she met Zayn.

Harry and Katey are a brother and sister, like best friends, but not actually related.

Harry protects Katey and make sure nobody hurts her.

Harry is so thrilled that Zayn and Katey are going out that he considers asking Zayn if he wants to marry his sister.

If Zayn says yes, Harry would know Zayn, loves his sister, but if he says no, Harry knows he was just leading her on.

So, the next day when Harry got up, Harry asked Zayn if he would like to marry his sister.

Zayn replied with a "Yes of course!" So, when Katey got up, Zayn proposed. Katey said yes. From then on Katey and Zayn had a very nice life together.

Hi Kateyperry89,

I'm not going to do a Blackwood and shut down your piece completely, but I am going to judge this piece quite a lot, but in the nicest way possible, so please prepare. Ok, look buddy, this was basically just a paragraph that briefly summarised the romance between Zayn and the vampire girlfriend. I'll admit, when I saw the title I got pretty excited, because I thought it would be a cute little story, but this disappointed me. I don't know if you write regularly, but if so, you really need to improve with detail and description. There wasn't enough. Also, there was very little reference made to the fact that Katey was a vampire. That was the part I was most excited about!

Anyway, I know it sucks being criticised sometimes, but just keep writing and you'll get better. You can improve, you just need to try

I am completely shocked. Not at this text, but at the reviews you have received.

I can't believe it, how people sugar coat their words but ultimately everything they have said is going to lead to nothing. These reviews are terrible in this particular context.


To put it simply, my friends, those reviews aren't going to help you at this stage. You really need to reconsider the way you approach your writing.

I am mainly convinced this is a troll or a joke, something just for fun, but in the case it is not, no matter how many capital letters you correct, its not going to fix it.

I suggest you both go and read some books. It's the best way to learn the way fiction is presented.

Hello!

Okay, so I may or may not have a crush on Zayn Malik. >_> Therefore, he belongs with none other than I. KAY?!

But seriously, I like that in your fanfic, he isn't wiith Perrie. No matter how cute Perrie is, it's cute seeing Zayn with someone else. x)

I do have some nitpicks, so let's hash it out:

1. There is literally no example whatsoever of Katey being a vampire. So I am the confused?! No biting, no sucking, no killing, no burning in the sun or sparkling, no etc. Whaaa?

2. You use their names quite a lot. Since Katey is the only female in this story, you can use femalte pronouns like "she" and "her" more often, you know. As for the boys, using male pronouns works too, but since there's two of them, just be careful.

3. Why is this so fast? Katey and Zayn meet and BOOM marriage. Where's the romance? Even if it's a whirlwind romance, it's still better to describe it and lay it all out than to say "Katey met Zayn and her brother, Harry, disagreed with the romance but soon he was okay with it and now they are the married." Too fast, too fast. Slow down and use imagery and details and all of that stuff.

This totally has a lot of promise, so swear you'll improve it and publish it again so I can properly review?!

Hope that helps~

Disclaimer: I know little to nothing about One Direction, am not terribly familiar with their music, and I don't have any of their songs on my iPod. Just letting you know.

Hi and welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.

So, it looks like you heeded BitterRosemary's advice and fixed some of the mistakes the previous version of this had. Awesome! Makes my life easier.

I still found some capitalization issues, but we'll get to those. For now, let's start with the actual content.

The way this is written I don't love. It's very short, very quick, pacing's not even there... um. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, this reads like an overview of their lives rather than an actual short story of their lives. Does that make sense?

One analogy I like to use of stories written in this style is a trip to the grocery store:

"I got the milk, the bread, and the new thing of peanut butter. I didn't forget anything. I did have a bad run-in with a mean shopper, though. But beyond that, the trip was pretty pleasant. And I used my coupons to score a bunch of deals!"

See how that is written? Now compare it to this excerpt from your story:

"Have you heard Zayn has a vampire girlfriend named Katey? She's 15 and she's dating Zayn. Her brother, Harry, is Zayn's best friend. Zayn and Harry are in a band together called One Direction. Katey goes to see Zayn and harry play at concerts. That's where she met Zayn."

Both of those were written in a similar fashion, like you're telling a friend some sort of gossip, but in a very monotonous way. The thing is, grocery store trips are boring and therefore can be glossed over; this is a short story with an... intriguing... plot, so I'd recommend writing it differently. Give us some action, some dialogue! Write the story like you're writing an exciting novel. Don't gloss over all the important details with a summary, show us the important details.

Does that make sense at all? If you're confused, PM me.

So, I think this is an interesting twist at fanfic, with the whole "vampire-girlfriend" deal. If you wrote it in a longer, more detailed way, I think it could be very good. Keep in mind about pacing and showing versus telling if you rewrite this—pacing's important because you need to strike a healthy balance between the story moving too fast, or too slow; showing versus telling is important because you need to show the reader what is happening rather than telling it in a monotonous, flat, and confusing way. Just keep those in mind during your revise and you'll be good.

Nitpicks:

Have you heard Zayn has a vampire girlfriend named Katey?

She's 15 and she's dating Zayn.

Katey goes to see Zayn and harry play at concerts.

Harry protects Katey and make sure nobody hurts her.

If Zayn says yes, Harry would know Zayn, loves his sister

So, the next day when Harry got up, Harry asked Zayn if he would like to marry his sister. Zayn replied with a "Yes of course!" So, when Katey got up

From then on Katey and zayn

HEY! BitterRosemary here to give you a review. Let's get started!
Okay.
What?
This was immensely confusing.
Entertaining, but weird.
Um, too many grammatical errors to count, so here's the revised version:

Have you heard Zayn has a vampire girlfriend named Katey? She's 15 and she's dating Zayn. Her brother, Harry, is Zayn's best friend. Zayn and Harry are in a band together called One Direction. Katey goes to see Zayn and harry play at concerts. That's where she met Zayn. Harry and Katey are like a brother and sister, like best friends, but not actually related. Harry protects Katey and make sure nobody hurts her. Harry is so thrilled that Zayn and Katey are going out that he considers asking Zayn if he wants to marry his sister. If Zayn says yes, Harry would know Zayn, loves his sister, but if he says no, Harry knows he was just leading her on. So, the next day when Harry got up, Harry asked Zayn if he would like to marry his sister. Zayn replied with a "Yes of course!" So, when Katey got up, Zayn proposed. Katey said yes. From then on Katey and zayn had a very nice life together.

Not sure what else to say. Funny? A bit odd, yes.
~Bitter

Hi,

I am here to review your story. Sentence by sentence. Dun, dun, dun!

have you heard zayn has a vampire girlfriend named Katey.

her brother is harry Zayn's best friend.

Zayn and harry are in a band together called one direction.

Katey go's to see Zayn and harry play at concerts.

Thats where she met Zayn.

Harry protects Katey and make sure nobody hurts her.

harry is so thrilled that Zayn and Katey are going out that he might ask Zayn to ask if he can marry his sister.

if Zayn says yes he knows he loves his sister but if he says no he knows he was just leading her on.

so the next day when harry got up.

Harry asked Zayn if he would like to marry his sister Zayn replied with a yes of course so when Katey got up Zayn proposed Katey said yes.

and from then on Katey and zayn had a very nice life together.